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Found 8 results

  1. Like many, I treat my depression with adderall. But what does this depression mean exactly? Does this mean by some awful fate our brains were naturally born depressed, and then we got our ADD diagnosis, and then we were like wait this solves my depression too hell yeah! And self medicated? does this mean that we never had ADD but really we just had depression, which cause ADD like symptoms? OR are we FEELING depressed because adderall addiction is screwing with the rewards system in our brains? ^ which basically is our addiction speaking, telling us now that we have been depressed all along, and need the drug more than previously conceived. Right? Is this depression ( whether natural or causes by adderall ) able to be solved WITHOUT medication??? to those who are still on it, what are your moods like? To those who quit, do you feel you will always battle this depression? are there any of you who have never felt depressed??? (i have been feeling insane these past week or two. I upped my dose to higher than before to lose some weight, and then it pissed me off so I quit cold turkey for a week, that made me almost psychotic so now I'm back on it, and right now I feel INSANE I took 40 mg and wow talk about a tolerance break. I'm tweakinnn)
  2. Hi everyone, My name is Melinda and I am writing an article about adderall and its users. If you fit this description, please keep reading: -heavy user/addict OR ex heavy user/addict -ages 16-25 OR used when ages 16-25 -grew up in suburbs I would like to share your story in an informative article that I am submitting to many mainstream magazines. It is about adderall as a trend, especially in many wealthy suburbs. I am exploring this phenomenon and your story would really help some people. You can remain anonymous if you like. If you are interested in participating and being interviewed via email, please emails cre8tivewritingmelinda@gmail.com . Let me know if you have any questions, and thank you for reading!
  3. My Life is Shit, I am shit

    My life has turned into shit. I've been prescribed adderall since I was 18, i have been binge using it for 10 years now. I never even needed it for add or anything really, definitely never took it as prescribed. I just abuse it. I pop all 90 within a week and a half, rarely sleeping and then i crash for 3 or 4 days, am zombie for a week until I buy more from hookups and count days until next prescription. I am an alcoholic drinking at very least a pint of vodka or 12 beers a day. I work from home, my business is going to shit. I crashed my car and got second dui. I just finished probation for that still don't have license or car or sobriety My girlfriend of 4 years broke up just broke up with me and kicked me out; i had to move back in with parents. She said my problems are not her problems and she doesnt want me in life anymore. My girlfriend before her died of overdose. I really loved them both. Now I just sit here and sulk alone and not nearly fucked up enough. I have no friends left, not that i mind because i hate everyone and everything. I dont know how to have good time and am always miserable. I take handfuls of addies and am very productive until i get all sketchy and twitchy and depressed. I see a counselor a few times a month. I guess it keeps me from killing self. I am so bored and broke and pathetic. I destroy everything good around me and don't appreciate any of what i have when i have it. "I am like King Midas in Reverse - everything i touch turns to shit" I am overprivileged piece of greedy shit i think i am too stuck in ways to change #fuckmylife
  4. So I have been seeming to give myself more and more excuses regarding this AMAZING yet horrible amphetamine. Brief Background, was arrested frosh year in HS for distributing Ecstasy and got help and will always be grateful for the support I got from my family/friends at the time. By the second semester of that same year, I was allowed in HS, not using drugs/alcohol and was seeing a psychiatrist. First semester, I really complained about ADHD because I needed to catch up on grades due to the arrest/suspension. My psychiatrist tried to suggest non-stimulant medications at first which was good on her part. I tried welbutron and stratera, neither seemed to work AT ALL. I had a close friend who was prescribed Vyvanse and really recommended it to me saying it worked wonders. The first day I take it I was IN THE ZONE. A friend came up and actually asked "Hey why are you all focused instead of being disruptful and funny like usual?" Thats when I knew it wasn't only me who was noticing the affects. I ended up being a "miracle" to my friends, family, and all my teachers (recieved straight A's second semester after being prescribed vyvanse). What they or I didn't know or think about was that it WAS just the amphetamines making me this "miracle child" by senior year in HS I was up to 50 mg vyvanse/day, marching band president, popular among multiple groups and Had been accepted to a 4-year for Music Education. I love music with a passion, I can't describe how much I love it with words. Now, I'm a sophomore year in college, I was recieving vyvanse from my out of state Dr. and parents would mail it to my dorm for me. It got to the point where I decided to stay living at my college town not returning home for the summer and my regular Dr. who was out of state did not want to prescribe me anymore since it had been 6 months of not seeing each other in person. After recieving that news, that's when the addiction started to take off. I was worried HORRIBLY that I wasn't going to be able to get my regular fix of amphetamines. I went to a psychiatrist on campus and like every college Pro Drug health services, I was easily able to get generic Adderall IR 15mg twice a day. The problem started a few months ago when I was still on Vyvanse, I wasn't feeling the affects anymore after 2 hrs of taking it so I would empty the powder out of another into a glass of water not knowing how much of a dose I would end up taking by the end of the day ( I was on 60mg vyvanse taking probably an equivalent amt by emptying the powder multiple times and tbh i likely have taken 120mg vyvanse a day multiple times without knowing it). When I was prescribed the adderall, like every amphetamine felt like I was a god when I first tried instant-release feeling all of it hitting me at once. However, due to my high amphetamine tolerance as it is after a day I would need 3 15 mg IR tablets to get through my day. Now it's 5+ per day, nearly pulling all-nighters (have pulled about 6 all-nighters in the last two months) and when I don't have a full all-nighter I still stay up until sunrise and wake up around 2pm. Sure I've talked to friends here about this but being a college town, college students typically don't have much to say to help and wont take it seriously. I wonder if I were more honest with HOW much ive been taking maybe people would take me more seriously. The real issue is i don't want to stop taking it. I feel and notice a change in me and it's not a change I like HOWEVER it's also something I don't feel like I can stop. I came to the conclusion months before the abuse and only taking it as prescribed that I would remain on the drug my whole life. I have this feeling where I know I should stop taking it all together and also have this feeling where I simply can't see myself not on adderall. It's almost 5am now and I already have likely taken 100 MG of this drug. My question is, how do I go about doing this. I know if I continue at this rate I'll be in danger by the end of summer. Theres a large history of addiction in my family including my parents so I know there is ALWAYS someone I can go to for help, but don't feel necessarily ready to do so. I've been reading a ton of things on this website and finally felt the need to vent and let the world of addicts know they are not alone. I can relate to nearly ALL of these stories in one way or another. If I DO try to stop using this, is it even worth trying to be able to JUST take it as prescribed? Like weening myself down to the ACTUAL dosage I was given? Or weening down all-together? I am still in college, and feel that my passion for music and band in general has been greatly influenced by amphetamines. I feel if I were to not take them anymore, I would have to give up pursuing my dream music career. Please people, I need answers, help, and someone to care and I didn't know where else to go. I'd really appreciate some feedback. BTW, if it matters I'm a 20 y/o male.
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  6. why not read me?

    I don't even know how I came across this site in the first place? or if any real human being will lay eyes on it..but for some reason unknown I feel the need to share my experience with the 'limitless drug' as I'd refer to it. I was actually on it earlier, and since then I've downed a bowl as of cereal 5 minutes ago, that's right! I'm coming down <-- (sarcastic smiley) guess I'll start now. I've been addicted since day 1 of trying the drug for starters, and have been taking it for almost a year now. way before trying it I was against any pills and had my innocent morals still in tact. probably one of my most regretted decisions in life was letting a friend coerce me into taking it.(shitty friend, right?) I am no where near as much a fiend as I was from the get-go. I would spaz trying to find my happy pill, and go to extreme lengths to get it. now I am prescribed and not a huge concern for me until I'm almost out. In the beginning I never thought it was a huge deal taking it because it actually made me outgoing and love stuff I normally despised, I saw the better side of EVERYTHING on it. but after months and months of taking it I reaped more and more side effects that sucked beyond belief. dry mouth and insomnia were normal already. I began getting stress headaches from the hyper focus aspect, tooth sensitivity, swimmers ear, massive confusion, and memory problems, serious anxiety/agitation. when I was on it though. (plus I began feeling like a weirdo bringing a drink with me everywhereeeee). It's sad because I honestly don't remember what it's like not using it at all. I crave to know what it's like being happy because I'm just naturally happy. I see all these other people sober and happy but it seems unrealistic since I've known what happiness feels like on the drug and it is amazing a lot of times. music sounds better, going out of my way to be social with friends is something I love doing, and being generally content. but it's all really just a co-dependence. every reason I tell myself to take it is the addiction to it talking. It's like I'm possessed at times and right now I AM writing. one day hopefully I will find that, because there is truth to the saying nothing worth having, comes easy. -addict
  7. So, I don't even know where to begin? I need help and know it, but am reluctant to give it up. Does this sound familiar? In fact, I don't want to at all.....but things are only getting worse, and I feel like I am at war with myself....every...fucking..day. It all started in high school. I tried it. I loved it. The only way to get it was to steal it from a brother of a friend without anyone knowing. This went on for maybe two months and I don't even think I cared when I couldn't get anymore. I guess then I just moved on to something different. I mean high school was just a joke to me, I only cared about getting high, and didn't care where the high came from. Needless to say, my mother caught on and I got a lovely two week vacation in a traumatizing rehab for teens. For some reason, after I got out of there, I had no desire to touch drugs. I was scared to death of even being around drugs or people that did them because I never wanted to go back to such a place. I ended up starting college, working three jobs and staying busy. Everything was fine. I found a great guy, moved out, had a kid and stayed in school. It was when I started nursing school that shit spiraled out of control again. I met a girl in school that just happened to take adderall xr-25mg. We became best friends really fast and I was constantly staying with her or she was staying over with me, just to study. Things were great at first, we had fun and were doing great in school. Soon though, I may have asked or she may have offered, I began taking one of her pills...'just to stay up and study all night.' Except those nights were always a blast, studying happened, just in between the breakdancing, talking, 30 minute cigarette breaks, doing hair and nails, drinking mountain dew and having the best time ever. I had never felt anything like it. That was the best high ever. I could do anything. Nothing seemed difficult or boring. I was so incredibly focused but partying at the same time. It was incredible. Honestly. I wish I could get that high again, but I can't. And my dilemma now is....that I cant stop chasing it. Eventually, she began to run out way too fast. So, I thought it was a great idea to go out on my own, find a dumb doctor, and get it myself. I needed it. I couldn't depend on someone to give it to me. So I did. And believe it or not, the dumb doctor did it. All I said was, "Hey, I am in school, I cannot focus, I have too much to do." He said, "Okay, try this." Adderall 10 mg twice daily. What??? It was too easy. But damn, those little blue IR's were the love of my life. This was four years ago. I have moved, switched doctors and still continue to get adderall. The new doctor did not even request my old medical records from the previous place. The new doctor even said, "Wow, you are on a very low dose, is it working?" Was she serious? Okay then, this was just another chance to get that more intense high I've been chasing. "No doctor, it is not, I think I need something stronger, its just not effective." So, vyvanse it was. I took vyvanse for about four months, up to 40 mg. However, because I'd run out in a week or two early, I would go back in the middle of those months and tell them it wasn't effective--and bam, another prescription for just another few mg higher. But I think since I was chasing that high from so long ago, I had convinced myself that I needed to go back on good ol' adderall. The doctor said okay and there it was again. I got pregnant again somewhere in between all this madness, and had to stop taking adderall for the first time since I began getting it on my own. It was the worst ten months. As soon as I delivered, I called the doc and there it was....again. I was convinced I was a better parent, better wife, better student (back in school again to get my RN, after getting my LPN), better person in general. Life was still good. Here is the corker. After receiving my LPN, my husband saw how motivated and driven I was. He wanted that too. He occasionally took a few of my pills and we were the most productive and active people on the planet. A team of superheroes. So, eventually, he went to the same doctor as I did and what do ya know? He got his very own script of Adderall XR 20 mg! Score!! I would take his, he would take mine. We'd have a pretty good supply, but still, we'd run out two weeks before refills!!! The agony. Those two weeks were the worst. Fatigue, irritability, the unrelenting need for 'just one more!' So this is where we are. We are on this rollercoaster that seemed pretty fun at first, but now I am tired and ready to get off. I will never ever be able to catch that high that started all of this. And honestly, I am tired of failing at it. I have been up too long, for too many nights, having taken too many of them damn pills and suffered the horrific come down off of too much. It is terrible. And more recently, the guilt. The guilt is probably the worst. I feel like a terrible mother, but am more fearful of the terrible mother I might become without the adderall. Now, I feel as though I am constantly doing things with my kids, they are my world, I love them so much and cant stand the thought of being too tired or worn out to play with them. Then, my husband. I am a terrible wife for getting my husband hooked on drugs! The guilt of this is overwhelming. If something happened to him while taking these....I dont know what I'd do. Then, my job. I cherish nursing. But damn, I am hypocrite. I am taking for granted something that has always been my dream. I keep justifying this drug. I keep thinking that I am simply better because of it. I do my best when taking it. I do a good job at work and am constantly being complimented for my 'happiness and great attitude' all the time. But I strongly feel that this is just the drug, and the real me would be dragging at work, and probably too tired to smile. I justified adderall by convincing myself that I am just enhancing my quality of life. But it is now that I am realizing how out of control this 'addiction' has become. Alcohol is beginning to fill the void in between scripts. I am drinking alone, at night, when everyone is asleep. It is a secret, but it has become a problem. I know that if it wasn't a bad thing that I wouldn't try to keep it hidden. I am a mess. I dont even know where to start. I hope someone can read this and know what I mean, and hope I can make them feel a little more less.....alone.
  8. I will find myself again

    I don’t remember the exact date but in the fall of 2010, i had a communications project to finish at Northern Virginia Community College. For some weird reason, i tried looking for adderall because i was too lazy to do the work just like normal people, i felt a need to take a short cut, and the short cuts i have been taking for the last two years have ruined me. I wish i never took those two pills but there is nothing i can do about it now. I wish i could be my old self again, all i do is put on a show for people and my dwindling circle of friends. I hate who i am when i am off that medicine and i feel like a worthless pile of shit. I don’t know how i let myself sink this low and i can’t believe it took me this long to notice. I would never do anything to harm myself, but i questioned my self worth for the first time on August 16th 2012 at 5:49 exactly. And so i have decided to make a change. I will stop living these lies that have clouded me for the past 24 months, i will start doing things not to please others, but things that will make me happy. Writing this stuff down is the only way i can get it all out without having to tell someone without having to sugar coat shit or having to lie to protect some sort of reputation that i can’t even understand myself at this point. This last week has been terrible, i was off adderall for huge chunks of this summer but i caved in, i caved in and started taking it again but for some reason, i started falling into deep depressions and i knew it was the adderall but it wasn’t for the things that have been happening daily, it was for the lies and bull shit i have made myself out of for the last two years. I took 50 milligrams of adderall xr on August 15th and that is the last time i will ever swallow that shit. I have 81 pills of 10 mg xr seven feet away and that shit calls you. But i will flush it down the toilet starting today. 3 pills will be flushed, i will flush more and more every day until i empty my last bottle. Day 2 without taking it has been meh, i cried and i am not ashamed to admit it. This depression hits you out of nowhere and there is no way of explaining it but then your mood changes completely. I hope to regain the old me back no matter the cost.