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Found 9 results

  1. How did I get to this point?

    Hey guys...here's my introduction and battle with Adderall for anyone who cares to read. Sorry in advance for the long post. First time I took Adderall was like the other 98% of you all...in college trying to studying for finals haha. I tried it for the first time my junior year during finals week, but didn't like how it made me feel or the appetite suppression. It did make me perform academic tasks with ease...however the cons outweighed the "pros" to me at the time. I was a Top 15 Division 1 athlete then so the heart racing and whole not eating thing would have been detrimental...plus at the time, I didn't think this was a miracle drug or anything that I actually needed in my life. After my senior year I decided I no longer wanted to pursue a Professional career playing my sport (biggest mistake of my life) so I started Grad School shortly after. I had a roommate at the time who took adderall to study so I would take some of his here and there for a big test or a full day of studying. A few months into school I decided to get my own script, which was easily obtained, and there you have it...I had my first Adderall prescription, 20 mg IR. Throughout school, I never took more than 10 mg at a time and no more than 2-3x a week as I was still very physically active and did not feel the need to take it often. I would take frequent breaks or hiatuses...a months prescription would easily last me 2 months. This lasted about 2 years. Fast forward to beginnig of 2015, this is when the potential abuse started to manifest itself. At the time I was not happy where I was at career-wise and felt like I kept fucking things up. This is when I Got my script changed to 30mg IR...and took it almost daily, taking weekend breaks. I was very physically active at this time, and actually in the best shape of my life, working out actually was the only thing that allowed control over my usage. A few months later.... I started my own business and would occasionally take 45-60mg on days that "I had a lot to do". Over halfway into the year, I got an amazing work opportunity and left the country for 60 days. I wanted to focus on my physical fitness on my downtime, so I left the Adderall at home and went 60 days without it no problem. I thought that would be the end of it, I was no longer in school....I didn't really NEED it anymore, right? Wrong...I was so very wrong. I remember the first time I took quadruple my prescribed dose, January 2016. A few days before, I had been informed my Father had been air lifted to the ER because he had been in septic shock and was currently in ICU. I work in Emergency Medicine so I know more than the average individual about how serious his circumstance is. There was a point where his outcome was uncertain. And that's the day I took 120 mg of Adderall, immersed myself into my work, and tried to forget what was actually happening in my world. I felt awful the next day. I didn't sleep at all the night before (a first for me) and for the first time, I felt like a fucking crack head junkie piece of shit. I was sweaty, jittery, anxious, paranoid, and beyond sad at the thought of possibly losing my Father. I was so disgusted with myself and how I felt, I told myself I would never take that high of a dose again. I took a break from the Adderall for a few days, but that was about it. My Father ended up pulling through, and got out of the hospital a few weeks later and is as healthy as can be to this day. A few weeks later, I resumed my daily Adderall intake, but this time with a vengeance. I was trying to start up my own business in my spare time, so I started taking 60-80mg daily. I was no longer physically active at this time, as I wasn't eating or sleeping enough to have the energy for it. Some days I would take upwards of 100mg. It became my norm, and a months prescription would last 10 days at best. When I'd run out, I would crash HARD. Sleeping all day, no energy or motivation to do anything, except eat a LOT of fucking unhealthy food. This lasted probably 7-8 months before I finally broke down and realized I was addicted and was abusing the shit out of this drug. I couldn't believe it...me, ME?! I used to not even give a fuck about Adderall. I've been prescribe for years and always took HALF my prescribed dose for years. This couldn't happen to me, I can't be an addict. I was a collegiate athlete, I was supposed to go to the fucking Pros... I felt god awful....I couldn't get out of bed, I was depressed as hell, I had slowly cut out my family and friends for months, had been a piece of dick shit to my wonderful girlfriend for god knows how long....and was just realizing it. I no longer had hobbies,I just...was. My career took a downward spiral, my once successful startup now was going downhill....what the fuck happened to my life? And here I am today...I've tried to quit twice unsuccessfully. First time lasted a month. The second time lasted 2 months and I was starting to feel great. So I figured I could take it more responsibly this time around. Wrong again. While I don't take any after 3 PM so that I can sleep, and have stuck true to that, I still take around 50-70 mg and my script runs out in 2 weeks. I guess it's a small improvement but not really. I should have never taken it again. I'm still having a very hard time coming to turns with "being an addict"...I haven't admitted it to anyone except my girlfriend and I casually told my best friend that I "abused it once". But that's it. I don't know how to ACTUALLY quit. I feel like I need it, but I know I don't. I just wish I was back to my old self. The me who enjoys working out and cooking and music and going out and having fun. I miss the me who had genuine hobbies and interests, not this Adderall fueled bullshit version of me Anyways, for anyone who actually managed to read my incessantly long rant, I appreciate it and appreciate any words of advice anyone has for me. Thanks.
  2. I started taking Adderall when I was 14 years old. My mom was a pediatrician and ever since I can remember, I was prescribed to some sort of ADD / ADHD medication. I remember having to go to the nurse every day during grade school but I am not sure what medication it was for. I have been prescribed to ritallin, concerta, straterra, and Adderall. My mom passed away when I was 14 years old and at that point in time I was taking 60 mg of Adderall on a daily basis. I have continued to take that amount, daily, to date. I am now 25 years old, about to turn 26. Adderall has become something that I am dependent on. I recently (last 3 years) have started abusing it, and I want off. The reason I joined this site is because I need someone to relate to… Recently I have been taking more than I am prescribed and I have developed a fear for the days (weekends – non work days) that I need to set aside in order to offset the days I have over used on. I have become terrified of these days that I will not be able to take my medication on. Last weekend, I went cold turkey. I need to do this for the next 3 weekends in order to have enough medication to get me through my work weeks until my next prescription can be filled. It was hard, but not quite as bad as I thought it would be. It is a terrifying thing to think about life without my medication. I was offered free NBA tickets by my work for next weekend, but I declined because I knew I would not be on my medication and likely not feel up to it. I go to a work out class most Saturdays with a friend of mine and as soon as I realized I was out, I came up with a bunch of excuses to get me out of the next couple classes… I don’t want to live this way. I made it through one weekend but I need support to continue this process. If anyone can relate, please comment…
  3. Help, I desperately need help. I am the last person to look online for help, however, my life depends on me overcoming this. After 4 years I have reached the end. Adderall has strained relationships, and ripped me of my personality, looks, and drive. Four years of abuse is starting to take its toll. My once tan Italian skin is now pale, blotchy, and dry. Purple/yellowish sags now appear under my eyes. My thick head of healthy hair has been destroyed so badly that strands fall out in the shower. I constantly worry about the damage Adderall has done internally that I do not yet know about. I am scared shitless, yet, I continue to use and heavily abuse. The last four years have been hell. Im hoping someone, anyone reading my story can relate and offer me some advice on how to overcome this. Currently I am 22. I started taking 10mg ir Adderall my junior year of high school. My straight A's had dropped to B's and C's. Somehow during a doctors appt. it came up that I was having a difficult time focusing. AND BOOM. At 17 I was prescribed legal speed. My first Adderall was insane. Focus would be an understatement. It made me love everything about school, for the first time i was pumped to learn math. I HATE math. However, I quickly grew to dislike the side effects. In high school I had a lot going for me. Looks, social life, sports, I was blessed to have it all. At that times, giving up those things for an Adderall was not worth it, therefore i quickly stopped taking it. Senior year of hs I partied Friday and Saturday every damn weekend. All the girls were chasing me. All the guys wanted to hang with me. In my mind I was the shit and that life would never end. It did, quickly. All my friends were soon gone and away at their colleges. I had put no thought into my future and applied to 0, yes 0 colleges. My only option was community college, I was ok with that. I would work hard and transfer out after 1 year. I also started taking Adderall again. Right off the bat i was prescribed 10mg ir 4x a day. I ended my first semester of community college with straight A's. Academically, things were looking up. However, by this time I was using Adderall for more than just school. I found out Adderall is awesome with video games. Boring tasks like cleaning were now fun. I could do it all. After my first semester I applied and got accepted to my dream school, UMD. Go Academically! Ahh the magic of Adderall, or so I thought. My second semester at community college is where things really got out of control. I was cracked out on addy all the time. Sure, I was killing it in school but had no social life. Adderall became my joy. Everything was better with it, and so I took it a lot. Soon I was finishing My script of 120 10mg ir pills in 7 days. I literally would not sleep for days. Weeks when i was out would consist of a lot of weed and food. I ended up failing 2/4 of my spring classes. I was already in UMD at this point so to me it didn't matter. I failed to realize my Adderall use was out of control. I was not ready for UMD abusing it the way i was and still am. Yet after summer I went to Maryland. I was at my dream college. Adderall addict and all. My parents put me in the nicest apartment building and were paying 25k for just once semester. I blew ever penny. Total I went to maybe 10 classes. At this point I was finishing my script in 5 days. My Adderall days consisted of cleaning and organizing my computer folders. When i ran out, I slept. My life fully revolved around Adderall. Nothing else mattered. I stayed at UMD for most of the semester. When my parents found out I was not going to class they forced me to withdraw. That was almost 3 years ago. I am still back home, addicted to the misery Adderall brings. I have tried, and failed four times to complete a single semester at community college. Im a loser. I hate what I have become. A strung out addict. It truly hurts to see myself in the mirror. I look worn down, a shell of myself thats disconnected from the world. Adderall has taken almost everything from me, yet, I still heavily abuse it. My mind is too foggy without it. My drive is non existent without that little pill. It is a dark place to be in but I need to make a change. If I do not quit soon, I am scared it will take my life. I am not even sure how to begin this journey or how long it will take but i am ready
  4. I started taking Adderall when I was 14 years old. My mom was a pediatrician and ever since I can remember, I was prescribed to some sort of ADD / ADHD medication. I remember having to go to the nurse every day during grade school but I am not sure what medication it was for. I have been prescribed to ritallin, concerta, straterra, and Adderall. My mom passed away when I was 14 years old and at that point in time I was taking 60 mg of Adderall on a daily basis. I have continued to take that amount, daily, to date. I am now 25 years old, about to turn 26. Adderall has become something that I am dependent on. I recently (last 3 years) have started abusing it, and I want off. The reason I joined this site is because I need someone to relate to… Recently I have been taking more than I am prescribed and I have developed a fear for the days (weekends – non work days) that I need to set aside in order to offset the days I have over used on. I have become terrified of these days that I will not be able to take my medication on. Last weekend, I went cold turkey. I need to do this for the next 3 weekends in order to have enough medication to get me through my work weeks until my next prescription can be filled. It was hard, but not quite as bad as I thought it would be. It is a terrifying thing to think about life without my medication. I was offered free NBA tickets by my work for next weekend, but I declined because I knew I would not be on my medication and likely not feel up to it. I go to a work out class most Saturdays with a friend of mine and as soon as I realized I was out, I came up with a bunch of excuses to get me out of the next couple classes… I don’t want to live this way. I made it through one weekend but I need support to continue this process. If anyone can relate, please comment…
  5. Spitting Venom

    Hey there, long time adderall user here. I'm 22 and i've been on it since i was 10 roughly. I'de like to share some things. And let it all drop...(current tunes)>>> So nobody can save me, but myself. I must REMEMBER what my soul said off meds... and is ultimately saying to me now..(if you don't sleep you can feel again) (it's a small window of freedom in this addy-prison) ...to freaking quit that stuff right? Yeah preaching to the choir here....i mean if anyones reading this...i just hope this gets through to someone. so i've been on 30mg IR's, twice a day, for about 4 years now? and yeah it's starting to take it's toll on my memory, appetite, and sleep schedule ten fold now. I have tried so many times to quit and been through this SO MANY TIMES that talking to anyone about it is fruitless... i'm sure a couple of you are the same boat.....you know...got a family member or two on them as well eh? end of the day depression crash? THE PERPLEXING SYMBOLISM WHEN YOUR HAND IS SOOOO MUCH COLDER THAN YOUR PARTNERS WHEN YOU HOLD EACHOTHERS EH?? HAHA? why i think i see a pattern. that being said...I'm not special at all. nope. ...but that can be changed YOU can change. Not even by that much either. a couple chuckles and some fresh air find something worth dying for ...i know it's EXTREMLEY GRUELING to face things..... you love?! when you've been watching them through the floorboards softly whispering "i love you" YOU KNOW WHAT GO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM RIGHT FLIPPING NOW AND COME BACK AND FINISH THIS...maybe you won't need to.............................they gone? Okay, I have tried canceling my script Tried flushed them Buried them (try it) weening cold turkey vivancse... So i know how all of you feel!! Shit lately i've been taking 80+ a day!!! Where do i go from here? Quite the slippery slope!! I always let it kinda get to me, but latley it's noticably been the bane of my mother-fucking existance....sorry if i come off as cold or blunt, for i've been through this far, far too many times it's stupid. im stupid sometimes. but that should be okay right? yes it should. IM STUPID. derp. TODAY MY FELLOW FIENDS... ( i know i make it sound dramatic and rediculous but this kind of jargon appeals to all audiences apparently...) betchu can't remember the last time you said 10 statements in a row on adderall. "sorry...what?" exactly. ugh i hate that sheez. that's why im quitting. you know? DONT UP DOSAGE DO DOWN UNO. for you my...friends. do it for this person writing right now. it's you. you remember you? the little kid with the baseball cap or disney princess dress (or both) running around the front yard being just okay with things nothing is half the deal it usually is on adderall you know?... it's kind of sad but not as sad as im making it hahahah...HAHAHAHA....sorry too much on the laughter anyway. HEAR ME. IM ANYTHING BUT YOUR ENEMY. IM YOUR INNER-SELF!!! -peace
  6. so ive been addicted to adderall for 5 years steadily trying to quit wanting to quit and really just screwing up with that for about 2 years. i recently opened up to my boyfriend and some friends about how i fell off the wagon since my last "clean up".. that lasted 24 days.. i ushually cant stay clean for more than two weeks. i also started seeeing a therapist who has really been pushing me and helping me and honestly ive never done so much work or insight on myself more than i have the past 3 weeks.. journaling and eating right and just staying consious that im in recovery im an addict and just trying to remember that so my brain doesnt play tricks and make me belive once is ok... today was 16 days huge 16 straight days of putting my health first ... well untill tonight i didnt journal today and yesterday and today kind of just floated through the day without any affirmations meditation journaling or staying consious of my goal ... i really wanted to take some earlier today when i was triggered at the pharmecy getting my birth control.. so i had adderall thoughts for sure my boyfriend was gone tonight so i invited some friends over for a chill movie night.. or so i thought.. they inivited like 4 more girls over whom im friends with but choose not to be around ushually because they use. i knew this but said ok come over anyway god forbid i say no and put myself first and just be honest.. right? well i saw some in someones bag and i was triggered. i went for it and took some.. i actually stole these... the whole shame guilt and im clean!! ~ couldnt be seen or shown to anyone.. im very secretive and alone in this addiction so its like maybe if i steal it and no1 knows than i can "pretend i dont know and that i didnt do this. terrible, i know but i did. i actually had heavy thoughts of no dont do this dont waste ur 16 days u will be fine and it was an imense feeling.. i ushually turn that off.. so it was a good sign i felt that but i still friggen said fuck it and took it. and than took some more. every time i take an adderall it cant be one. this is so dangerous...i know this yet i decided to fuck up my 16 days. im feeling down and just like sitting in my self pity or just like this feeling of u chose this. deal with it. i guess what im asking here is how everyone copes when relapsing after a good positive stretch. what do u do after? i mean that sounds silly but i guess i just need some guidence i dont wanna dwell on this any longer what are some relapse prevention skills u guys have> am i still in recovery? i know that answer is yes, but i cant help but feel like im starting way over ... not 16 days over but like day one from 2 years ago over... im sure u know the feeling.
  7. I found this website over 2 years ago when I desperately was seeking help. I managed to wean myself off on my own (this website gave me the courage) and I went almost 6 months without using Adderall except for about 3 times. Unfortunately, I fell back into the cycle. Slowly, but surely. Enough is enough and I finally joined this site seeking help. I have a few questions I am hoping others can relate to on here, I feel this is the best place where people understand the same issues and go through the same challenges. First of all let me start by saying I have been prescribed Adderall for 7 years since in high school starting at 30 mg, occasionally taking more for a huge workload, to some it up I have had scripts being 90 mg a day plus 120 Dexedrine as needed. My tolerance had grown too high, even after 5 months going back to it my I had a natural tolerance. My current script is 60mg xr a day and Dexedrine tabs when needed. I double my script to actually get to work. I don't want to go on like this anymore. I know its a highly dangerous dose. Im looking for others with similar high tolerances and experiences with quitting, what worked best for you? How do you do it? Ive felt the cold turkey method is the best, but I simply cannot ignore my duties as a mother to a 3 year old a puppy and 3 other pets with a house to maintain, online college courses, and occasional part time work. I NEED TO BE ABLE TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING! so do I wean myself? How long has it taken others who have such a high tolerance and been on it for years to actually feel like themselves again? Im afraid this process my take years. PLEASE HELP AND GIVE ME ALL THE ADVICE YOU CAN, I need it and would appreciate it so, thank you!
  8. Hi! My name is Lauren & this is my story. The first time I ever took adderall I was fifteen years old. It was the second to last week of my freshman year of high school and I will never forget it. I took two 20mg extended release tablets and was cracked out for a solid 48 hours. I was on an emotional roller coaster however I immediately knew this pill would be the "magic answer" to all the problems I was facing at the time. And it was. It took a lot of effort to get my parents to take me to my doctor and test me for ADD but it was worth it. After several tests and surveys I was prescribed. I lost the 20lbs I had been trying to get rid of for the last two years. I had the energy to make the cheerleading team (I got cut the summer going into my freshman year) I improved my grades from barely a 3.0 to a 4.3 I was the person I had always wanted to be. I was prescribed for seven years until things really got out of hand. My junior year of college is when things really spiraled out of control. I became obsessed with losing weight. I had also built up a very serious tolerance and was in a pretty scary routine of taking a wayyyy higher dose of adderall than was prescribed to me. I had somehow talked my doctor into prescribing me 80mg a day. I did this by explaining that some days I liked to take 40mg extended release and some days I liked to take instant release. It just depended on what my classes were like that day. This was a lie, obviously. Either way she wrote a script for both which equalled out to 80 mg a day for 30 days. However, I still would run out in two weeks. Here was my routine: I would lay out 3 20mg pills next to my bedside and set my alarm one hour before I needed to wake up. For example if I had a a 9:30 class I would set my alarm for 8:30. I would then take the three pills (60 mg) of adderall and go back to bed. I would then let the adderall wake me up about 45 min later and take a fourth 20 mg pill. Then I would take another 20 mg around noon and then a sixth 20 mg around 3:00. I would take AT LEAST 120 mg of adderall every day. Many times I would take much more than this because I would consistently pull all nighters. I was in a few art classes which I would become obsessed over making everything perfect. Often people in my sorority would ask me why I was always wandering the house in the wee hours of the night and I just continued to blame it on a big work load. This was a lie. I was taking massive amounts of adderall to get skinny. I lost 25 lbs in two months. I was irritable, tired all the time, I had sores on the inside of my mouth from biting my cheeks, I was basically miserable. I would run out of my dose in two weeks and then buy more off of friends. I had basically hit rock bottom. I would go to the gym and look around and see other people who were NORMAL working out because they cared about their bodies and their health. All i wanted was to be normal. I wanted to feel proud of my achievements and know I did things on my OWN not just because i had adderall to get me through. I knew what I had to do. I was leaving for Los Angeles that summer to complete an internship. I was cracked out on adderall the night before my flight left and got no sleep. Right before I left for the airport I took the adderall out of my suitcase and stuck it in a pile of things my mom was going to ship to me later. This was the only way I could get myself to leave it behind. I knew I didn't want to live like this anymore but I had to know that if I REALLy needed it I could get it back. Sure enough I was in LA, my adderall was thousands of miles away, I was putting on weight- fast, and I was going through some serious withdrawls. For four days I couldnt get out of bed until at least 5pm at night. However, I kept having faith that I would get through it. I honestly felt drunk the first few weeks off adderall. My body didn't function properly, I could barely drive because I felt so disconnected and could hardly think straight. The weight gain was the worst part for me. I had worked so hard to lose the weight and was TERRIFIED of putting it back on. This is when I called my mom. "Hey mom, you know that box of stuff in my room you were gunna ship to me? Yeah I really need it, could you send it out tomorrow?" Of course she had no idea my adderall stash was in there and quickly agreed. I hung up and immediately regretted my decision. THIS WAS MY CHANCE. THIS WAS THE TIME. THIS WAS WHEN I WAS GOING TO BE STRONG. STRONGER THAN MY DEPENDENCE ON THIS STUPID DRUG. I called back. "MOM DONT SEND ME THE BOX. My adderall is in there. I'm addicted to it. I don't want it. I want to be normal, I want to do this on my own, I want my personality back. dont send it" I was crying & so was she. She told me she was proud of me and to be honest I was proud of myself. The entire month was extremely hard. It was the first time in seven years that I had completed even the most simplest of tasks without the help of adderall. I had to show up to my internship every day and complete what was asked of me and it took alot of effort on my end. All the while I was gaining weight. This was the worst part. When I came back from my internship I had gained about 15 pounds. I freaked out and thought "theres no way I can go back to school looking like this" I searched through my parents medicine cabinets and found my adderall. For three days I took it to to lose weight and was right back where I was before. Not sleeping, irritable, miserable, depressed. This is when my big breakdown occured. I WAS NOT going to do this anymore. I had gone three months without it. Who cares if I gained some weight. My personality was back and I was not going to slip back into the dark place I was when I was addicted to adderall. I COULD DO THIS. I sat on my bathroom floor bawling my eyes out. I tossed each pill one by one into the toilet and with each one I said a reason I would never take adderall again. For example, "I am happier without it." "My body is better off without it" "I can be who I want to be without adderall" "I feel good in taking credit for my accomplishments when I am not on adderall" etc. This day was a day i will NEVER forget. After a few weeks at school I came home for a checkup with my doctor. I confessed my serious addiction and how I had overcome it. She ended up confiding in me that one of her patients who is severely addicted to adderall is now trying to get pregnant. This patient can not get herself to quit adderall and is in a horrible place because she wants to have a baby (which you obviously cant be taking amphetamines while your pregnant). Often people would ask me "you had only one more year of college why didnt you just quit when you graduated" and this is what I tell them.... IT IS NEVER AN EASY TIME TO QUIT. If I wouldve said "Oh Ill quit when I graduate" then it would have turned into "Oh ill quit when I get a job. Oh ill quit when I get this promotion. Oh Ill quit when I find a boyfriend. etc. etc." I have been off adderall for one year and one month and I CAN NOT BELIEVE how far I have come. Sometimes I get on this site and read people struggling with the fight to quit and I know EXACTLY how they feel. It gives me goosebumps thinking about the three weeks of my cold turkey quitting of adderall. But here is what i can say YOU CAN DO IT. YOU HAVE TO DO IT. NOW IS THE TIME. THERE WILL NEVER BE AN EASY TIME. It may seem like there is no way you will ever function without adderall but you will. And once you start to complete tasks without it you will feel elated. I specifically remember calling my eye doctor and ordering contacts and I felt like the happiest girl in the world after I hung up the phone. Adderall is not who you are. It does not define what you are capable of and once you conquer this you will understand what you truly are capable of. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! You have to believe in yourself. I am truly happy to offer any suggestions and answer any questions any of you might have. You are not alone and you will be better people because of your struggle with this drug. Peace, Love, & Choose Happiness! Lauren
  9. Hello again, I feel the need to ask a second question, for backround info on my case (very high tolerance to Adderall for years) please read my previous top "PLEASE HELP! high tolerance users". Adderall has ruined my life and made me miss so much fun and memories with my 3 year old daughter I don't want to miss another second. I want the old fun me back. After years and years of Adderall with an extremely high dosage and actually troubling with adhd bad for years, is there anyone out there who has tried other meds or specifically vyvanse? ive taken Adderall ir and xr and Dexedrine ir for years. This month A got a script for vyvanse paying the extra money with no insurance just trying to stray away from Adderall. I need something for the mean time of quitting to get me out of bed, I have to watch my daughter all day everyday, school, and occasional work (and of course the duties of a household). Has anyone here had any experience with vyvanse? I don't necessarily like it, it doesn't do much for me, but it helps with getting out of bed for now. Am I in risk of this just continueing the addiction? or will it help me quit? I don't want to pay for something so expensive that will in return give me not the help needed, or make a situation worse. SO DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVE VYVANSE STORIES??? Please let me know, I will greatly appreciate your help.