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Found 29 results

  1. Guilt Ridden

    Hi Everyone, I've been off Adderall for about 9 months and I'm doing fine, but before I quit I gave about 10, 20mg pills to a friend who was showing his film at a major film festival and I though he needed it to keep up. He was really overweight and low energy and needed an extra burst of energy to keep up with all the screenings/press stuff and parties for networking. He doesn't and has never suffered from ADD. Fast forward a year and he has become addicted to it, has lost about 120 pounds and has alienated most of his close friends, seriously compromised his relationship with his family and has burned bridges professionally. He is someone who has had panic disorder and narcissistic traits for as long as I've known him but both have become much worse since he started taking adderall. He also never shuts up and seems unaware that other people have their own lives to live. I won't abandon our friendship since I feel partly responsible for what is happening to him, but I'm not sure how to help him. I quit adderall because of the horrible side effects and I took a very low dose. He has asked me this week to help him, because, ironically he has become very scattered and can't seem to get his shit together and needs someone to help him get some stuff off his plate. I'm wondering from all of you if you have had symptoms like his where the drug backfires and makes you less organized? I'm also wondering if there is anything I can do to convince him that he is not a better version of himself that he seems to be convinced of. Does this happen to people who abuse adderall who don't suffer from ADD? Any general advice on how to move forward?
  2. So Ive been craving adderall all day long and my work that im doing requires me to sit still and concentrate Its almost like I cant even get my hand to move and open up the program to work. Like I know that If I wrote this I can do that and maybe it is all placebo but does anyone have any advice? Thank you!!
  3. So I just quit adderall a week ago after taking it for 5 years, Its very hard for me to write so I made a quick youtube video that will motivate and inspire yall. You guys can do it, if I quit you can also. Youtube -
  4. 8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse

    I found this online in another forum a while ago and recovered it recently. I've put it in the announcements because it feels more like a "sticky" than a discussion doc or question or personal tale. I found it really accurate. Hope it's helpful. Stage 1 of Amphetamine Use - During this stage, amphetamine will be at its hedonic peak; the pleasure of taking amphetamine will not get any higher from this point on. The most notable feelings are a "lovey" feeling, powerful euphoria, increased motivation, deep philosophical thinking, strong feelings of "lust", etc. Length of phase: 1-3 days with binge usage; 5-10 days with daily usage; About 5-15 uses total if used sparingly with atleast several days inbetween doses. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Powerful euphoria - Empathy and socialability - Overwhelming amount of increased motivation Stage 2 of Amphetamine Use - During this stage, the "lovey" and empathetic feelings of amphetamine quickly fade, although the "pleasurable" feelings of euphoria and increased motivation are still present. The decrease in empathetic feelings is likely responsible from a depletion of serotonergic vesicles. Most users note that it is impossible to transition back to "Stage 1" at this point, no matter how long of a break a person takes from amphetamine. This suggests that a permanent tolerance develops for the empathetic effects of the drug - whether this occurs from a psychological acclimation to the effects, or from physiological reasons, I don't know. This is the stage which doctors aim for when prescribing amphetamine for medicinal use with ADD and ADHD. This stage can be prolonged for quite some time (and if the dose is low enough, some medical professionals say that this phase can be prolonged indefinitely) this is assuming of course that the user continuously maintains an adequate amount of high quality sleep (7+ hours a night), proper nutrition, and a non-sedentary lifestyle. Length of Stage: 1-7 days with binge usage (note that binge usage is defined by immediately taking another dose once the effects of one dose wear off or begin to wear off, interrupting sleep in the process). 2 Weeks to 6+ Months if used daily (and maintaining a healthy lifestyle). Indefinitely if used sparingly (with 3-5+ days inbetween uses). Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Increased Motivation - Slight Euphoria Stage 3 of Amphetamine Use, the "Tool" phase - At this point, most if not all empathetic effects of usage have diminished. This point is characterized by the fact that amphetamine becomes the sole motivator for tasks, hence the nickname "The Tool Phase" because amphetamine is now used as a Tool for accomplishment. The negative physiological effects (the "body load") become more prominent. Length of Stage: At this point, it is hard to define the length it will take to transition from one stage to the next. Some users will find that if they take breaks from their usage or just lower their dose, they can go backwards to earlier stages. Some binge users may even rapidly progress through the stages, possibly even skipping to the final ones or developing psychosis. Characteristic Effects of this stage: - Period of 'positive effects' and period of 'negative effects' from taking a dose begin to merge. (usually, if negative effects are present they only follow after the positive effects wear off) - The user needs amphetamine to stay at/above a baseline level of motivation, and when amphetamine is not in effect the user is below a baseline level of motivation. -In order for a task to be done effeciently, the user finds that they need to be on amphetamine. - The level of euphoria decreases to a point where it is no more significant than the level of euphoria which most people get from daily life without amphetamine. Stage 4 of Amphetamine Use, "The Decline" - The efficiency of amphetamine as a "Tool" begins to drop significantly, and this stage is characterized by the "comedown" (the period of negative effects after the drug begins to wear off) becoming much stronger. The "comedown" may even begin to merge in with the period of positive effects. At this point, the body load may begin to become painful. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Painful body load (Muscle Pain, High Blood Pressure, Inadequate Circulation, Dehydration, Malnutrition, deterioration of the skin and other tissues, etc). - Depression - Severe Anxiety Stage 5 of Amphetamine Use, The Procrastination - This Stage may or may not be experienced by amphetamine users. In this stage, the positive effects of amphetamine are almost absent if not completely gone, and the "coming up" of a dose of amphetamine is subsequently followed by an immediate barrage of negative effects (both physiological and psychological). The reason this phase is called "The Procrastination" is because the user forgets how unbearable the negative sensations are (due to amphetamine compromising the brain's ability to efficiently make memories, especially goal-orientated memories); by the next day, even though the user may have told himself to not take amphetamine, he takes amphetamine again anyways (due to the brain not being able to make a goal-orientated memory, the brain was unable to produce counter-motivation to stop the user from taking more amphetamine the next day). This might possibly be the most psychologically painful and strenuous phase for the amphetamine user, since he is unable to figure out why he keeps taking amphetamine even though he clearly knows it only causes him pain. Characteristic Effects: - Repeatedly taking amphetamine despite knowledge that it no longer gives the desired effects, and only causes negative effects. Stage 6 of Amphetamine Use, Irritability and Pessimism - This phase is characterized by extreme irritability. The user begins forgetting the drug is responsible for his negative feelings, and begins to blame things in the environment around them instead. The user begins to think that other people are responsible for how poorly he/she feels. The user might show hostility, or social withdrawal. The user also begins to develop an extremely pessimistic attitude towards life. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Acute Depression - Severe Anxiety - Irritability, even when the drug is out of the user's system - Psychosis - Inability to Sleep - Severe Restlessness - lack of willpower - Inability to find "the right choice of words" - Obsessive Thinking Stage 7 of Amphetamine use, Nihilism and Dissociation - During this phase, incidences of psychosis begin to emerge (if they haven't already) even if the drug user has been maintaining an adequate amount of sleep. The user usually becomes nihilistic, thinking that nothing in life matters or has meaning. Some users may even become solipsistic, which means they think that they are the only things which are real in the world. Solipsism is often accompanied by paranoia, or thinking that others only have the intention of harming the solipsistic individual. If the user had obtained any philosophical or metacognitive methods of thinking during the earlier stages of amphetamine use, those same metacognitive methods begin to eat away at the person's psyche. They feel as if they are helpless to do anything besides sit back and watch their mind become unravelled. Even if the user realizes that his irritable attitude towards other people isn't how he truly feels, he is unable to manage his irritability (most likely due to a complete diminishment of serotonin, as well as the brain's ability to make memories being compromised). The individual's ego may begin to deconstruct itself, and the user may have a feeling that they completely lack any willpower to do anything. This stage is also accompanied by a large amount of confusion. Characteristic Effects of this stage: - Confusion - Paranoia - Unbearable Depression and Anxiety - Delusions - Increased Incidences of Psychosis - Increasingly Painful Body Load - Lack of willpower - Cognition become confusing and incoherent. Users often claim things like their mind is "too loud", "jumping to false conclusions", or "doesn't make sense" and the user feels helpless to control this. - Panic Attacks become very prominent - Feelings of Deja Vu - If weight loss was experienced in beginning stages, it may come to a hault or even reverse into weight gain - Inability to experience pleasure - Akathisia - Feelings that an individual no longer has "free will" - Difficult to form coherent sentences and speak properly. Similar to "Clanging" or "Word Salad" experienced in schizophrenics. Stage 7b "Letting Go / Giving Up" - This stage is not always experienced, but in some instances after the user has experienced an excruciating and unbearable amount of anxiety and mental stress, he may experience a period of "Letting Go" in which the brain gives up on constructing/maintaining its deluded psychological structures. The negative effects of the drug temporarily fade, and the user has a "moment of peace". This temporary phase usually only lasts several hours (if not less) before the user returns to phase 7. Since the brain during this phase has completely abandoned any attempts to make goal orientated behaviour, the user may find it difficult (or simply not want to) to take care of themselves. However, during this phase, the user will find that they will actually be able to get to sleep, and they should take advantage of this temporary somnia to get sleep. I do not know what neurological mechanisms are responsible for this phase; it is almost as if it is the brain's last resort - to enter a careless and stressless stupor. Perhaps the brain releases endorphins in response to the unbearable anxiety? Characteristic Effects: - Stupor - Irresponsiveness - Carelessness - Ironically, if effects of "word salad" or "clanging" were experienced in stage 7, they are no longer as present in stage 7b. Stage 8, "The Stupor", Brain Damage - In this stage, amphetamine no longer gives effects, and the brain's desire for taking amphetamine (even if taking it has become a habit) begins to drop. As long as amphetamine use continues, the user makes no progress towards recovery of any sort. The individual is unresponsive and disconnected. Amphetamine has a tendency to make the user put too much effort into anything/everything, and this gives the brain not a single moment of psychological "rest" (where the individual doesn't think deeply). However, during this phase, it is quite the opposite - the individual's mind is in a prolonged state of resting and won't even follow through with the very act of thinking if the thought takes too much effort to think. During this phase, the user may have a steep decline in intelligence. Characteristic Effects: - Prolonged episodes of stupor and carelessness - Lethargy - Diminished Intelligence and mental efficiency - Irreversible Psychological Damage - Possible brain damage - The individual may develop a "permanent stuttering" which persists even after amphetamine has long since been ceased. - In a similar way that the stuttering develops, an individual may develop a possible permanent difficulty talking, using correct grammar and sentence structure, or expressing thoughts to others. In severe cases, this may even resemble a schizophrenic's clanging or word salad. - Essentially, the mind at this point is irreversibly compromised. The user's personality might have changed permanently. The individual may be much more easily irritated for the rest of his/her life. Cognitive functioning will never work the same as it used to. Although the user may make improvements and greatly recover, it will almost always seem like something "isn't right" in the mind, or that something is "missing". Individuals will still be able to lead fulfilling lives, and some may make amazing recoveries where they feel normal again like they did before they ever began using. Unfortunately, in severe cases, the individual may never be the same again.
  5. I am sure something to this extent has been posted about before, but I am wondering if anyone out there has managed to quit while maintaining responsibilities. It seems like the easy way out would be to quit work, run away from daily responsibilities, but what if you can't. I know I have done it in the past, but after relapse my addiction is at the point of spiraling out of control. In the past, I used to be able to taper off with a minor crash. Now I just crave taking them all and hoping that some miracle will happen and I will be able to work through WILL. Naive, I believe. I am also curious to see, who has been successful, in getting off of Adderall from a high dosage. And what was the dosage? And what actions did you take?
  6. I feel that it is finally time to tell my story. I have been on Adderall for 13 years total. With a 3 year break about 5 1/2 years ago. I was first prescribed Adderall in college, it started with 10mg 3 times a day. I felt the best I ever have when I quit for three years, but when a stressful job entered my life, I decided to go back on to Adderall. My new prescription became 20 mg IR 4 times a day. I would often run out in 2 weeks and the doctor would write me another prescription, of the same amount, for the next two weeks. So in reality, I was taking 20mg 8 times a day for a total of 160 mg a day. And I am sure there were many days I took more. I am currently on 40 mg IR and I need help. I have nowhere to turn. I have been inconsistent at work, suffering from major fatigue. I have thought of suicide. I want to be free from this again, but I feel that I have done so much damage to my brain and body. I feel like when I stop taking my medication all I want to do is sleep. When I quit for 3 years, I actually felt okay without medication. It was a struggle and I gained weight. I had low self confidence, but there still seemed like there was hope and I was overall happy. Now I don't know what to do. I was the primary earner in my family and we can't afford to have me quit. So, in the end, I suppose I am writing this to see if there is any hope or if I have completely ruined my life. I feel that I have completely ruined my life and I am worthless to society. Any advice on quitting and being able to get out of bed would be much appreciated. For all of you who are only a few years in-THERE is HOPE. Quit now, don't go down the road I did. You will get better in time. Same for all of you on low doses, you can overcome it. Anyhow, that is my story. I had to get it out. Just in case there is still a chance at a normal life.
  7. Losing Touch with Reality....Again

    Hi! I am new to the forum and am not ready to create 'My Story'. But I will soon. The condensed version is that I went to a psychiatrist in 2014 and because I am a master manipulator was able to obtain an ADHD diagnosis and a prescription for 3 x 30mg per day Adderall. So 90mg right out of the gate. The reason I wanted it? I watched a friend completely transform her life and her body with those oh so tasty orange footballs. She accomplished everything and more and lost thirty pounds. And, she gave 100% of the credit to her new best friend, Addie. I fell in love instantly with the drug about an hour after my first pill. I liken it to the first hit of crack I smoked. I thought I found heaven. Until I was pulled into Hell. Quickly. Addie was different, or so I thought. I did not have to roam the streets and put myself into extreme danger to get high. I was losing weight, I was working like a superhuman. My apartment has never been cleaner, down to the tile caulking (each tile, thank you very much!) in the entire bathroom. I, also, lost weight very fast. Though I knew I looked tired, I played off the whole 'heroine addicted model' role and loved every minute of it. From 2014 through today my dosage is approximately 90mg up to 120mg when I have pills. I come down using Xanax. I talk to myself, I do not go out of the house when I am high, I still do a ton of 'work' but it mainly consists of the equivalent of herding cats all day. My Master's degree program is going great because I can sit for hours and hours and study (I have a tendency to read out loud to myself at this point). I am pissed because it seems my body has adapted to knowing the substance is going to cause what it thinks to be starvation, so my body compensates for it. No more rapid weight loss...suck. Fast forward to 2017. I am losing touch with reality. I run out of pills very early in the month, and absolutely dread the crash that is going to take place, but now I look forward to it. If I can brace myself for a hard, painful landing, I can laugh again. I can watch my Sundance Doc Channel and enjoy lounging on the couch, remaining in one spot long enough to relax and take in the show from beginning to end. I sleep so well. I dream. (I never dream on Addie and only get four to six hours sleep max when I do my Addie Run). I want to break free of this cycle, but then again, I don't want to. I mean, I get three months worth of work done in the 15 days I have the pills, then rest for 15, then the cycle starts all over again with the next bottle. The party's over I am afraid....
  8. Hellooo! I need a bit of advice/support/whatnot on an issue I'm having currently. To say that I was addicted to Adderall is an understatement. I was taking 200-300 mg per day at my heaviest use. It was utter hell, but I got things done. I've toughed it out, and celebrated one year off of Adderall on Jan. 19th. As proud as I am of being off for this long, I'm growing very frustrated with how little I get done during my day. I will sit down and write a list for things that I want to accomplish the following day, only to sleep until 11am, putz around all day long, and then end up feeling guilty about not getting a damn thing done all day long the next evening. I do a pep talk "tomorrow will be different....I'll wake up and work out and clean the house, and blah blah blah" make another list, and then repeat. I'm so frustrated at myself. We own our own business, and I have plenty of time to get stuff done, since I'm a work at home mom. But, I rarely get things done in a timely manner, and my poor husband has had to hire someone else to do my end of the job to make sure it gets done. My house is a disaster. I've gained a ton of weight. I've gotten depressed. I just want to be a productive member of society-- why can't I do it?!? I'm hoping someone will tell me that this is normal, and that it's what happens right before you actually get up off your behind and start living life to its fullest. Please tell me that this isn't what I've become forever. Any ideas on how to kick this? I know part of my problem is social media, so I'm trying to not go on as often. (Unsuccessfully, thus far.) I am at the point where I'm debating if I was wrong to not use medicine to help me. I really hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and that I don't have to go back to medication for relief of symptoms. Thanks!
  9. My community college offers personal counseling (including substance abuse counseling) and today I scheduled my first apointment for tomorrow morning. I have struggled with substance abuse for quite some time (I am turning 21 next month). I've never been to counseling (outside of seeing my psychiatrist for 5 minute meetings every 4-6 months) so I don't really know what to expect. Hoping to get some idea from people here who have done counseling before. I also have a couple questions about couseling. Basically any advice or tips at all is very appreciated. 1.) Can a counselor contact my psychiatrist and tell her that I abuse my medicine? 2.) How reserved or open should I be for my first session? Is it safe to just come clean about ALL drug misuse experiece? Even about other pill abuse? Or even illegal substances like cocaine which I did a bit too... Getting drug abuse couseling is obviously very new for me and I just want to kinda prepare myself as well as I can. I don't wanna say too much not knowing the next day my doc will stop my meds, put me in rehab, maybe even tell my parents since I am on their health insurace.. Thanks everyone
  10. As I have documented, I have been a severe stimulant addict for many years, and many recovery attempts. I practically grew up reading posts on this website. Many times when I tried to quit, I would read this sub-forum for new drugs to take. I just wanted more of the same effects. When I ended up relapsing, I continued my "regimen" of various expensive nootropics and supplements. The reality is if you take this route, ​you will be unhappy, and you will inevitably fail. You need to change your mindset. As articulated well in an article on this site, Adderall is actually BAD for your focus and ADHD. Not just in addiction, but actually at all. It changes your whole mindset about getting things done. This distortion is exactly what causes the problem. Don't replace one stimulant with another. The so called "flow" is what you do not want at ALL costs. You can't stop your addict mindset by switching substances, even if one is less harmful than the other. But you can use your addictive tendencies to your advantage. Remember when you were running out of pills and desperately avoided social encounters so you didn't waste your supply? Well you can utilize that same mentality, but with real, good habits, instead of bad ones. Lets say you had a great day; you didn't take adderall, you got up early, you had a great workout...whatever it is. All that is important is that is is in limited supply-you don't do it often. Now take the same mindset you developed with adderall and apply it to this situation. You don't want to waste your good day. So use that as motivation to study, not drink, write a blog post. Whatever it is. Just Do It. And don't waste it.
  11. Terrified

    Hi, I'm a single mom. I have a great career and, on the outside, look like I have it all together. But, I'm addicted to something new and nobody knows. I've struggled with Percocet addiction for three years. I've been on suboxone three times, this time for 4 months. Never went to rehab or joined any support groups. I did go to a 3 day detox 1.5 yrs ago when I wanted off and didn't know I could get suboxone from a Dr. Those 3 days were hell. My family and best friend knew about that and they all think I've been sober since. But I had fallen off twice and been off and on subs. They have no idea I'm on subs right now. My life is falling apart financially. I make good money. My job performance is struggling and I'm very talented at what I do. Two days ago I was placed on a warning. If I don't improve then I'm fired. I have a company car too so I won't have a vehicle. I was actually doing very well on the suboxone and things had improved for me. Then, 2 months ago I decided to ask my psychiatrist about treating my ADD. She knows I'm on suboxone. But, she prescribed me vyvance. The first couple of day I hated the way I felt. Nervous, pain in my feet, terrible. So, she switched me to adderall. I immediately fell in love. But, after 3 days, I had to take 2 pills to get the same effect. So, my psychiatrist saw me at the 2 week mark and increased my adderall. Same thing for the next 2 weeks and next two weeks. I was ripping through my 30 day scripts in 2 weeks, then getting a new, higher dose filled and the pharmacy had to because it was a different script. Now, I'm at a 30mg xr and one 30mg ir. But, I take double. Some days I even take up to 210 mg. My body just gets used to it so quickly and I can't feel the effects. Well, 3 weeks ago my psychiatrist said okay no more adjusting every 2 weeks, see you in a month. I ran out a week ago. My appt with her is in 5 more days. My sister takes one 20mg xr a day and has for years. Well, she's been on a vacation and I have her keys. She left a bottle of the 20mg capsules in her cabinet. When I first ran out last week I took Bronkaid (contains ephedrine) and caffeine pills for 3 days to stave off full blow withdrawal. Then I realized my sister had those adderall and I could sneak some. At first, I took one. I thought, just one to make me feel better. Bronkaid and caffeine work but it's fucking aweful, jittery, shaking, not pleasant. Well here I am now. Took all of her pills this week, 3-4 a day to function. I saved the capsules and filled them with vitamin c beads. I am a terrible person. I was sobbing last night as I filled up those capsules. I put them back in her cabinet. My sister is my best friend and trusts me. And I'm a monster. She gets back Sunday. My plan is to go back into her house wed after I get my script, while she's at work, and dump the vitamin c, then fill them with the beads of my adderall. I took the last ones this morning knowing my kid is at her dad's this weekend so I can sleep for 2 days. And I'll take Bronkaid/caffeine to get me through work until my Wed appt. I'm about to take a 2 week vacation to back to the Midwest with my daughter. Staying with my grandma so would be perfect time to quit but I'm terrified. I'm so fucking scared. But I hate who I am on the adderall. On one hand I love how much energy it gives me but I have a very short temper. I find myself yelling at my daughter and she doesn't know how to even react because I've never yelled at her. I see her happiness fade from her precious, innocent face when I yell and I then I hate myself. My parents always yelled at me and I promised I wouldn't do that. My daughter doesn't deserve that. She's the most innocent, beautiful, perfect little creation of God and I strive to be the best mommy in the world for her. I want to tell my sister what I did and that I have another addiction and cry in her arms and have her help me find outpatient rehab. I can't do in-patient for a month or I'd lose my job. I am so pissed at myself for thinking I could take another mind altering pill and not get hooked. I barely drink alcohol. Prescription pills are my devil.
  12. Not gonna lie guys, this is a bit long. I have a lot to say but I promise that if you endure this wall of text you will feel a rejuvenated sense of why you decided to quit in the first place. I've taken adderall steadily for the past 6 years of my life. I was 19 when I took my first dose and I thought that I had finally found a way to get ahead and utilize my full potential. In case you're super shitty at math, I'm 25 now. Everything was so clear, I was able to focus on tasks for ridiculously long amounts of time, I suddenly had this "inspiration" in my everyday life that I simply didn't have before, I was losing weight (mainly due to forgetting to eat as often) and I was looking great. My skin was glowing and my eyes radiated resolution and confidence. All of that sounds pretty rad right? Unfortunately, there was one problem; it was all completely synthetic and artificial. This is not to say that I didn't have the potential to be an efficient powerhouse without the drug, but I wasn't learning how to do it on my own. I was relying on a pill every day to do it for me. I justified my continued abuse in literally any way that I could whether it be "I don't even take that high of a dose" or "my doctor prescribed this to me for a reason right? I need this." Three years in to my drug fueled lifestyle and I realized that I hadn't accomplished shit. Adderall had gotten me hyped up every day but I somehow ended up falling in to the same cycle of not doing anything to better my life or to get ahead. I continued to waste the high on playing video games or going on youtube tangents for several hours at a time, and usually ended my days by binge drinking myself to sleep. Adderall's euphoric effects simply made me content with achieving nothing. It was around this same time that I noticed something; my pills didn't seem to be working anymore. I would take my XR at the same time I did every day, but I just seemed to be fast-forwarding through the feel good and arriving at the crash landing. My thought process had become foggy and I didn't enjoy activities that I normally adored (writing/playing music, going to the gym, and in general socializing with others.) I started to develop symptoms very similar to bipolar disorder and was seldomly ever actually happy. My girlfriend of 4 years decided that she couldn't deal with my constant mood swings and unenthusiastic attitude anymore and left me. Not even for another guy; she just preferred being single over having to deal with someone who had lost all confidence and sense of self-worth. This threw me in to a mild depression, but I never actually dealt with it properly because I didn't have to. I didn't have to, because I had the ultimate fallback, the ultimate safety net; my adderall. I began to become even more reclusive and shit on a few relationships that I had cherished since I was like 8 years old. My personality had shifted from the happy-go-lucky life of the party fun-factory to the strung out pathetic malnourished loser that overcompensated for his lack of substance by getting buff and trying to fuck random girls. I'm trying to keep this as short as possible guys, I PROMISE you, just bare with me for a little while longer. Fast-forward to about a month ago. I was on my way home from school (something I should have been finished with 3-4 years ago) when I caught a glimpse of myself in my rear-view mirror while stopped at a red light. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. My eyes sported enormous, symmetrical unsightly bags underneath them and were bloodshot and exhausted looking. My skin just seemed pale, lifeless and dry. I forced a smile to maybe alter the image of whoever I was looking at, but it looked forced and to be blatantly honest, rather creepy. Creepy? Me? When did I become that type of person. Everyone loves me. Or at least they used to. I pulled over, killed the engine and just sat in my car for about 45 minutes. I didn't cry, I didn't listen to music or call anybody; I just sat there and reflected on what the fuck I had been doing for the past 6 years. What the hell was I doing with my life? Why was I so unhappy? It was at this moment that I made quite possibly the best decision of my life. I headed straight home, grabbed my pill bottle and emptied the contents into the toilet. Before I even had time to contemplate rescuing them from their watery grave, I flushed and walked away. I won't lie, the first two days sucked. I was pretty sapped of energy and ambition, and was getting agitated over the littlest things VERY quickly. I fought back with lots of caffeine and exercise, and once day 3 arrived I woke up with a feeling I was not familiar with at all. I woke up feeling RESTED. I woke up feeling like I had actually slept the night before and that I was naturally motivated to get up and cook breakfast for myself. It was on this same day that I genuinely laughed until I cried at some random stupid shit I saw on the internet. I'd forgotten what that was like, and it was like this warm wave of happiness that rushed over me. After the first week, I began going to the gym again. Only now, things seemed to be different. I was making eye contact with other gym goers and employees there and even struck up a few random conversations. I caught a couple girls smiling at me as I walked by and thought to myself "holy shit I'm happy." I felt like I was radiating positive vibes and that everyone could tell. The best way I can describe the feeling is that I was finally on the same wavelength as everybody else, and was surfing it like a fuckin pro. And so here I am; a month after quitting amphetamines and I feel like I'm myself again. My appetite has returned to normal, I'm genuinely excited to see people and I'm hardly ever at home. The best part is that the functionality and efficiency that I had experienced on adderall is now permanently embedded in to my brain. I was able to focus while on the drug, and I now remember how to do so even though I'm off of it. Quitting Adderall is hands down the best thing that I could have done for myself. I feel more sociable, more approachable, more attractive and a whole hell of a lot healthier. I really hope that anyone who reads this has decided to do the same because nothing but good can come from it. Thank you SO much for reading this and feel free to share your story with me as well.
  13. Hi, I'm starting this thread to share some of my experiences with quitting and running into problems with alcohol, I would love to hear your experiences and/or advice. I quit adderall cold turkey in March 2015. I was using mostly as prescribed, my dosage was 5 mg 3 times a day, at times I would take one extra for a total for 20 mg a day. The day I quit I felt no different than when on it, but I began to really feel the difference by the end of the week, I couldnt focus, was jittery, irritable, on edge, couldnt do any writing or reading, this continued for about 2 months. Around the 2 months mark I began self-medicating with white wine. I now drink daily, about 2-3 glasses. I am beginning to realize that alcohol may be a bigger problem than Adderall. I have ABSOLUTELY NO desire to ever go back to adderall, but I dont know how to manage without my daily wine intake.
  14. Hi everyone, It is about time I started participating on here, as I’ve been stalking these forums for years! This community has given me so much hope and comfort that I am not alone. I am so grateful to Mike for creating this amazing website, and I hope I can make a useful contribution that will help others as well as lean on you all for support when I need it. So here is my story… I am 34 years old and have been taking dexamphetamine for 12 years. It started in my last year of university. I had an eating disorder (bulimia) and saw a psychiatrist who specialized in this area. The first thing he did was prescribe dexamphetamine, which is apparently used as an ‘off-label’ treatment for eating disorders here in Australia. He also said I probably had ‘a touch of ADD’ (WTF?!?). I had taken dexies before as a party drug, so I was like yeeeah bring it on! Thinking I will just use it for a short time to get over the bulimia addiction and then have access to a party favor I could share with my friends. Big mistake. Although my eating disorder was cured overnight, it was merely replaced with a different addiction… to stimulant meds. My dose was quickly increased to 10x 5mg pills per day (the max prescribed dosage is 12/day or 60mg for adults). I only took this much (or sometimes more) to party on the weekends, but on average I would say for about 8 years I was taking 8 pills per day (40 mg). (I think the conversion to Adderall is 10mg addie = 7.5mg dex) Over the past 4 years I have wanted to get off this horrible drug and started trying to take less. Although I tolerated it very well for most of that time, and it greatly helped my confidence, mood, motivation, productivity, just about everything! I realize it is unsustainable, and is holding me back from moving forward with my life. Eg maybe I want to get married, have kids, travel the world?? I can’t make plans because I don’t know who I will be when I’m not on this drug. And Im too busy going about my daily activities like a freaking robot! In the last few years it has also become less effective, yet the side-effects are worse, especially the insomnia. So I also take regular sleep aids and this viscious cycle has to stop! My first step was to confess everything to my boyfriend, who has been amazingly supportive. I had been living a lie for the first 18 months of our relationship, I thought he would be so disappointed in me, but he has been very understanding. That was about 9 months ago. From there I started to cut down my dosage further – however found I stepped back up again. Finally I had a ‘break down’ moment a few months ago. The reality of my situation slapped me hard in the face... Full blown, rocking back and forth mental patient moment... Holy shit! I realized I have a big challenge ahead and I made the decision to be accountable and face up to it. I had been living in blissful denial for too long. While I was aware I was taking pills to get through the day, I was able to shut that part of my mind off and just get on with it. So for the past few months I started to get serious about tapering. Though I am doing it very slowly – reducing my dose by 5mg (1 pill) per month. So far I have been strong and stayed on track – 1st month 5 per day, 2nd month 4 per day. I’m now into my first week on 15mg / day (3 pills per day). I’ve had really bad anxiety, which has made my sleeping issues worse. But for the most part, I am functioning well on the lower dose. Makes me realize I was on way too high a dose before! Of course, this is nothing compared to completely quitting. I know that lies ahead. I have just started seeing a psychologist who is doing a brain rewiring program with me, and hopefully this helps (will tell you all about it in another post!) I’m also having 1 – 2 coffees per day since tapering my dose, this helps with work. And I take magnesium twice daily – this helps my bowels, which have also slowed right down since reducing my dose. I’ve practically stopped socializing altogether lately too. I find if I make plans, I get so anxious about not being my excited bubbly happy self (ie highly medicated) I completely freak out and panic. Then I have to let people down. I’m content with being a hermit for a while – work, eat, couch, sleep. Luckily my partner enjoys a good couch-fest too! And I’m already enjoying down time with family more than I used to when I was too wired. I’m still smoking cigarettes (one demon at a time!), which I want to quit eventually… and I also smoke weed most nights too, which I really enjoy, but will give that up too if its making me too foggy during the day. Phewwww!! So there is my story. Sorry it is so long!! I look forward to sharing my journey with you. I hope this will relate to others in Aus as there is not much info out there on dex addiction. And it is prescribed like freaking paracetamol over here. Thank you all SO MUCH for your support and giving me HOPE J PS I chose my name as I want to be RESILIENT (and need to be!) and I also dream of being a CAT so I can sleep 18 hours a day!
  15. So I have been seeming to give myself more and more excuses regarding this AMAZING yet horrible amphetamine. Brief Background, was arrested frosh year in HS for distributing Ecstasy and got help and will always be grateful for the support I got from my family/friends at the time. By the second semester of that same year, I was allowed in HS, not using drugs/alcohol and was seeing a psychiatrist. First semester, I really complained about ADHD because I needed to catch up on grades due to the arrest/suspension. My psychiatrist tried to suggest non-stimulant medications at first which was good on her part. I tried welbutron and stratera, neither seemed to work AT ALL. I had a close friend who was prescribed Vyvanse and really recommended it to me saying it worked wonders. The first day I take it I was IN THE ZONE. A friend came up and actually asked "Hey why are you all focused instead of being disruptful and funny like usual?" Thats when I knew it wasn't only me who was noticing the affects. I ended up being a "miracle" to my friends, family, and all my teachers (recieved straight A's second semester after being prescribed vyvanse). What they or I didn't know or think about was that it WAS just the amphetamines making me this "miracle child" by senior year in HS I was up to 50 mg vyvanse/day, marching band president, popular among multiple groups and Had been accepted to a 4-year for Music Education. I love music with a passion, I can't describe how much I love it with words. Now, I'm a sophomore year in college, I was recieving vyvanse from my out of state Dr. and parents would mail it to my dorm for me. It got to the point where I decided to stay living at my college town not returning home for the summer and my regular Dr. who was out of state did not want to prescribe me anymore since it had been 6 months of not seeing each other in person. After recieving that news, that's when the addiction started to take off. I was worried HORRIBLY that I wasn't going to be able to get my regular fix of amphetamines. I went to a psychiatrist on campus and like every college Pro Drug health services, I was easily able to get generic Adderall IR 15mg twice a day. The problem started a few months ago when I was still on Vyvanse, I wasn't feeling the affects anymore after 2 hrs of taking it so I would empty the powder out of another into a glass of water not knowing how much of a dose I would end up taking by the end of the day ( I was on 60mg vyvanse taking probably an equivalent amt by emptying the powder multiple times and tbh i likely have taken 120mg vyvanse a day multiple times without knowing it). When I was prescribed the adderall, like every amphetamine felt like I was a god when I first tried instant-release feeling all of it hitting me at once. However, due to my high amphetamine tolerance as it is after a day I would need 3 15 mg IR tablets to get through my day. Now it's 5+ per day, nearly pulling all-nighters (have pulled about 6 all-nighters in the last two months) and when I don't have a full all-nighter I still stay up until sunrise and wake up around 2pm. Sure I've talked to friends here about this but being a college town, college students typically don't have much to say to help and wont take it seriously. I wonder if I were more honest with HOW much ive been taking maybe people would take me more seriously. The real issue is i don't want to stop taking it. I feel and notice a change in me and it's not a change I like HOWEVER it's also something I don't feel like I can stop. I came to the conclusion months before the abuse and only taking it as prescribed that I would remain on the drug my whole life. I have this feeling where I know I should stop taking it all together and also have this feeling where I simply can't see myself not on adderall. It's almost 5am now and I already have likely taken 100 MG of this drug. My question is, how do I go about doing this. I know if I continue at this rate I'll be in danger by the end of summer. Theres a large history of addiction in my family including my parents so I know there is ALWAYS someone I can go to for help, but don't feel necessarily ready to do so. I've been reading a ton of things on this website and finally felt the need to vent and let the world of addicts know they are not alone. I can relate to nearly ALL of these stories in one way or another. If I DO try to stop using this, is it even worth trying to be able to JUST take it as prescribed? Like weening myself down to the ACTUAL dosage I was given? Or weening down all-together? I am still in college, and feel that my passion for music and band in general has been greatly influenced by amphetamines. I feel if I were to not take them anymore, I would have to give up pursuing my dream music career. Please people, I need answers, help, and someone to care and I didn't know where else to go. I'd really appreciate some feedback. BTW, if it matters I'm a 20 y/o male.
  16. This has to stop!

    Hello everyone! Well, I've been sitting in front of this keyboard for the past hour and I've finally worked my way down to the message part. I must have rewritten my topic title a hundred times, before coming up with just 4 words. I was diagnosed with say ADHD and BPII almost 10 years ago. I have been abusing my ADHD meds for almost 10 years now! I have pretty much hurt everyone that has ever loved me in my entire life! Dissapointing my 20 yr old daughter and my 24 year old son have become something they are pretty used to. I always said that I could stop, if I just had the right kind of support. Well, the right kind of support and I have been together for about a year and 2 months now. She's the first person that didn't make me feel like she was doing me a favor by sticking around. I love her so very much! This will not be easy, but I am ready to do the work! I miss my family and I'm pretty sure they miss me too! I'm looking forward to making some new friends! Have a great day!!
  17. I've been medicated since I was 12 years old. Antidepressants of all classes (SSRI's, SNRI's, etc.) have never worked for me. I'm 21 now--hooked on 60 milligrams of adderall IR, 2mg of clonazepam, and 10mg of Ambien. I've been taking the clonazepam for drug-induced anxiety for two years now. I felt a little slow from it, and talked with my doctor. Vyvance was his recommendation; first 30mg, then 40mg, then my doctor said it's worth a shot to try adderall--starting me on 50 milligrams. Yes, 50, and I'm sure most are aware that vyvance is nowhere equivalent to adderall's potency. Clearly my doctor got his PhD out of a crackerjack box, but since I'm an addict, I was fine with it--excited actually. I'm starting to ramble and will get to the point. It's been one year now, and my life isn't what it used to be. Eventually I was boosted to 60mg, but that wasn't enough; I was running out of energy, wouldn't leave the house, etc. Don't ask how, but now I take 90-120mg to leave my room. I simply can't without it. I save the clonazepam for the crash, and take it all at the same time. Ambien is another friend that joined the group a couple months ago, which I must take for sleep or I'll be up until 5 a.m. (Like I am now). Adderall helped with my schoolwork, but I feel that I was taking so much that it turned into an OCPD sort of thing. The only fun I have now is if I'm alone; all I do is draw and write. I pretty much block everyone out of my life. My family, friends, and even my girlfriend don't know why I'm so antisocial. The thing is, I can't imagine my life without adderall. Like I read when I first checked out this site, I wonder who I would be right now if I wouldn't have taken that first pill. With my other two addictions (not including an immense amount of caffeine and nicotine) I know I need to quit adderall first (I can probably handle the ambien, but clonazepam withdrawal is hell). When I think about it, I imagine dropping out of school, losing my job, and permanently turning into a zombie. I've probably spent 45 minutes on this post. So my only question is: Can anyone help me, or can anyone relate to this amphetamine/benzo/z-drug addiction I'm dealing with? I'll respond in the late-afternoon.. Thanks.
  18. my life; controlled by adderall

    i am 23 years old. 5 years ago, i was introduced to a drug called vyvanse. i had never heard of anything like the description i was told about the medication before. i took one blue and white ER cap, which was (if i am correct) 70 mg. who knew that one small pill, one simple little medication could control my life in every aspect for the next 5 years, and counting. i will try to describe these next 5 years, as short, but in as much detail as i can. at first it was fun, more of a game per say. i could take these pills and have so much energy so much urge to clean, my house always looked amazing. my life seemed so entertaining. approx 30 maybe 45 days after taking vy every couple of days, i was introduced to adderall. my one and only addiction in life. its been 5 years, and 2 amazing children later, and i cannot quit. adderall has become my life; my bestfriend, my go to girl, my happiness, the first thing i do when i wake up. its what i look forward to in the mornings, i tell myself just get up, take your med, and get your day started everything will be fine once you take your pill. I HATE THIS! i started off taking 10 mg a day. i now am prescribed 60 mg a day. (since trying to come off, i have started taking less and less, but some days i cant help but to take more). i have done things i would have never imagined doing due to adderall. i have lost friends, relationships, money, my emotions, jobs, my life, my sex desire. i have no control of my life without it. it seems no matter how hard i try, how determined i am, i cannot get the idea out of my mind. i cannot break this horrible habit that i have grown to despise. my SO and i both have tried countless times to stop. and we were doing so well for long periods of times before. 8 or 9 weeks sometimes, and then one day, we start again. we have even started to snort our pills, which has caused sores in and out side of our nose sometimes. we are parents, and we look like we could be on some serious drugs because of the constant sores, the bags under our eyes due to lack of sleep, (8 days and 7 nights i have stayed up before). living this life is NOT what i want. i so badly want to become dependent on myself, on the beauty of the world. i don't want to continue to take medication to live. i do not want to spend money buying more and more each month due to my tolerance level increasing, and not only mine but his as well (he can't get his own script). i do not want to get caught selling drugs. i do not want to get caught buying drugs. i am terrified of what my life will become if i do not stop taking, snorting and abusing this medication. i am at a complete loss at what to do, my SO isn't ready to quit. therefore; it's going to be really hard to for me as well. social addiction is the worse, and the habit i have formed of snorting is just as bad. what can i do? i need help. i am finally ready to reach out and receive any and all the help that i can get. if there is anything you can offer me, any words of wisdom, and stories, experiences, please don't hesitate. i want you and i to help each other quit this horrible addiction we have allowed ourselves to create.
  19. I have recently been to both NA and AA meetings. I don't drink alcohol at all nor have I ever been drunk in my life, but addiction support is something i wanted and an AA meeting was nearby so I went. It seemed like the NA and the AA were clones of each other with the exception of NA having a darker tone/less friendly vibe{but maybe it's just the ones I have been to}. Has anyone else been to both as well or have a personal preference and if so why? I would chose to go back to AA meetings. Im not knocking any support groups, so please don't take it that way.
  20. Ok. So I think what I need, is an email buddy or someone that is also around the same quitting time as me, to talk to. I don't want to bore everyone with my stories, its the same as im sure many others on here, I thought I was on top of the world when I got to day 26 in the past. longest i'd been clean in 7 years -1 year of pregnancy. so 26 days was the furthest. I AM NOW ON DAY 36. But I don't even feel as good as I did with day 26 the fist time. I think I just feel so guilty about relapsing even if it were 1 or 2 pills, for the past 4 months. And of course throughout the years I have gone through the big times trying to quit here and there, obviously it never worked, I always went back, and was too cowardly to even come back to this site. But 4 months ago, I realized I was done, and I had to be done, I crave to be done, I know that's what I truly want. Im tired of watching my life flash by. Ive been through this stuggle for too long now. why does it have to take so long? why would even one pill make me feel so much better for just one day and its that easy? Is everyone else's progress around the same as mine? is this normal? These ups and downs are crazy and idk if its from no Adderall, my depression, or depression meds. I study psychology so I know about anti depressants and teatmeants and so on.... But im not looking for a text book answer, I'm looking for a real person going through the same real thing I am right now or who could relate. DAY 36. I cant believe I haven't been on this site in around 3 months, it was my favorite thing to look forward to everyday, everyone who I have talked to was great and so helpful, made me feel better. I just backed out. And im sorry. Not only is quitting the problem, its other life factors that are big struggles happening all at the same time while still trying to be a young mom and get up everyday. (it sounds so pathetic that I cant even get up, but its getting better) NEED SOME CHEERING UP I GUESS :/
  21. I've been taking adderall for 5 years. I binge 4 days than off a week and so forth I'm in therapy and I'm determines to stop. I was wondering if anyone knew of a good body cleanse ??! To just clear my body brain off of this. To just cleanse my self like a first step for me is obviously stop but I would like to do a body cleanse. Feel clean Thoughts? And I have b6 b12 magnesium zinc b complex l tyrosine and l theanjne and I'm not sure when or how to take these for the aftermath of coming down and quitting Any advice would be greatly appreciate
  22. I am 38/male and from the USA.. I started this over a year ago and the doctor has me legitimately on 50MG a day. I didn't realize how addicting it is and I didn't realize that I was driven at times to the manic side since I am also on Prozac 80MG a day and Neurontin. Last month, I refilled an extra prescription that I had because the doctor wrote me one ahead of time because I was about to be discharged because I wasn't seeing a therapist. Got the second one filled at a pharmacy that I never got any medication from and paid cash.. Over the past six weeks or so I have taken anywhere from 60MG - 100MG a day. I pop 2 20MG when I get out of bed and take with Monster Energy. I had a friend get some more from me from a hookup. I have been using them as a crutch to get thru bad situations just pop the pills like a candy. I never feel that Euphoric effect I once had and I really need to charge the SSRI because I flip out at the tiniest problem.. All these medications have done more harm than good. I have NO job and I have a BA degree & MS degree in fields that are in demand and after over two years of interviewing, temp jobs that just 'ended' with a phone call for a vague reason and no full time job I have no motivation. I own a business absentee but that is a whole other story.. I am trying to taper down slowly. Is insomnia & trouble sleeping common side effect. I cannot get more than a few hours of sleep and some times I am constantly starving. I workout doing high intensity boxing conditioning at least 5 days a week so I am still (thank god) within normal range for weight.
  23. New here.. This is my story

    Hey everybody, I recently came across this site and what I've read on it has hit so dead on that I've decided to create an account in order to tell my story and hopefully find some support.. this seems like a really cool community and I'm going to spill everything, both good and bad. I rarely post on forums but I've had a real journey (read: nightmare) with Adderall and other stimulants over the years and my story needs to be told. I'm currently a 26 year old male living in Atlanta but I've been taking Adderall (and its cousins: Vyvanse, Concerta, etc) since I was 18. It all started back in high school.. I had been bullied pretty relentlessly since the age of 15 for coming out as gay (which was not very highly regarded in the affluent republican Atlanta suburb I grew up in) and was starting to have serious trouble focusing in class (as well as the beginning signs of depression/anxiety). I got a tutor and tried everything, but finally by the age of 18 I was diagnosed as ADHD right before my freshman year of college. I wanted to kick ass in college and excel in my business degree, so I decided I'd try this Adderall drug that all my friends were talking about. It started off great.. I had a 3.8 GPA freshman year of college and was on the Dean's List.. this was the first time in my life that I had acheived high grades (while still maintaining a social life mind you.. I pledged a fraternity etc.. but that's a whole 'nother story). But after the first year or so I started noticing some real changes in my personality. I had always had a slight speech disfluency growing up but not many people noticed it.. but I'd notice that whenever I took adderall my stutter would get much more pronounced (this has evolved over the years up to now where my stutter is pretty debilitating and I'm going to seek speech therapy.. it is so very embaressing when I'm on a date or a job interview and I can't get the word out.. people think I'm nervous when it's really just some kind of neurological damage that I partially attribute to adderall abuse). Anyways, back to freshman year.. I would be so euphoric in the mornings when I took my Adderall (thinking I could conquer the world, etc) and by the evening I was in a really deep dark depression and very irritable.. as well as socially anxious (which I never really had a big problem with in the past). I also was in a very unhealthy long distance relationship which only added to my issues. Fast forward a year and I ended up transferring to a new college in a different state (various reasons, partially due to that abusive long distance relationship) and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This school was an even bigger party school with an even bigger trend towards Adderall (and other designer drugs.. Cocaine, etc). I was depressed over my recent breakup and continued taking the Adderall while binge drinking heavily as well (clearly not the best choice, I know) to try and self medicate. It got so bad that I had to get on an Antidepressant because I was having suicidal thoughts (I write more about my SSRI usage below). One thing that was different about this school was the demographic of kids - many of them were spoiled rotten and cocaine was around just about every corner. I had always looked heavily down on that drug (and still do after my terrible experience with it). One fateful night I was really stupid (read: depressed) and decided I would try the drug, which felt surprisingly similar to Adderall's euphoric rush. In this way I believe that Adderall was a gateway to my cocaine addiction that lasted a year or two. I am proud to say that I have not touched that awful drug in a very long time and do not miss it one bit, it was surprisingly much easier for me to quit than Adderall has been. I never had to see treatment for it and I never crave it or want it when I see it around me anymore. I could go on much longer about my college experiences with Adderall but I'll leave it short since this is getting lengthy. I ended up graduating with a respectable 3.2 GPA (although not the 3.8 I started with at my first school) and decided to move home. When I moved back to Atlanta to pursue my career as a young business professional, I was excited for a fresh start. I liked the attention that I got as a young guy living in the actual city (as opposed to the suburbs) in the gay community and no longer had to fear homophobia around every corner. When it came to my professional life however, I found that I was already having trouble focusing at my new job, and slipped back into taking Adderall. You know how this story goes, it was basically a repeat of my college days and turned into another nightmare. It made me so anxious that I burned several bridges socially in the city and became depressed all over again. I have been back in ATL for 3 years now and finally I have hit a breaking point. I am 26 years old and I have tried almost every antidepressant on the market (Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin, you name it I've tried it) which started back in college and none of them could pull me out of the depression (probably because I was still taking them alongside Adderall). I have decided that I am DONE with this awful drug that has ruined so many years of my life. It has only been 72 hours since I have taken my last 20mg dose, but I broke it down to 10mg the day after and now I'm at 0mg. I know that's not a long time, but I feel different than I've ever felt about quitting this time - I am dedicated to it no matter what (partially thanks to finding this great site). I am going to overcome this and find the happy me that used to exist.. the one that my friends and family growing up miss seeing. I am not currently on an Antidepressant (although I do have low dose Klonopin incase the withdrawal anxiety gets bad) but I have been considering getting back on one to ease the process.. I've been pretty darkly depressed the past day or so and my job is not really in the best place either. Thank you for creating this great support system where I can post about my story. It's not been an easy path for me and I know it hasn't for alot of you either. -J
  24. It all began the first semester of junior year. I was diagnosed for ADD when I was a child, though I never got any medications. But my friend told me about this wonder drug (l didn't know it was garbage at the time) called adderall and how he was achieving new academic heights because of it. His story inspired me to go to my doctor and get adderall prescribed to me. It worked, I got a prescription to adderall and life was looking pretty good at the time. Fast forward six months. My normal dosage was 30mg/day but I kept working myself higher and higher in terms of the dosages. Today was the last day before spring break and I apparently had three tests to take. Keep in mind I have been a daily prescribed user of adderall for a year now so my reaction was something along the lines of this: Oh no! I'm going to have to take a lot of adderall today because if I don't then bad things will happen to my grades oh no! Sure enough, I took four tablets of adderall, that's right, 120mg. The realization came to me when I came home. I realized the sham this pill truly is. It tries to deceive you into thinking that with its help, it will chemically pole vault you to whatever you want to do. Sadly, this couldn't be further from the truth. I used to be a down to earth person, a great friend. One of my buds even went so far as to describe me as "the only genuine person in this place full of charlatans and pretentious phonies". But this personality I used to have got replaced by the deceitful poison that goes by the name of Adderall. It turned me into the opposite of my personality and I hated it. But I lied to myself and tolerated it because according to me I got A's. To tell you the truth, I would give all the A's I have ever earned in my life for that one year of my life back. If I could have it back I would develop my personality and establish new heights. But alas, I wasted a year of my life, a year of my youth. Then I realized I had to quit this junk and I had to quit it NOW. This isn't the first time I've faced a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. In sophomore year I looked in the mirror and I didn't like that I was overweight. In six months, I had lost 50 lbs. Now, today, I look in the mirror and I see a pale and sickly version of myself. But I see a ray of hope. It sounds odd, but I feel like my personality is beneath this chemical addiction. I know if I beat the addiction I will get my personality back. With new-found confidence, I threw the contents of the pill bottle down my toilet and made a declaration to myself. Now it is about 3am and I can't sleep. I'm writing this write now and I am shaking, shivering, and pale. I think I am going through a crash from the extremely large dose I took earlier today. However, crashes are only temporary and my willpower is still very much strong. I will keep you all updated on my self-journey, but for now I must depart. Thank you, yes you out there who took the time to read my story and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And if you are thinking of taking this crap, I hope you heeded my story and are aware of the lows that come with this drug.
  25. Hi all - i haven't posted in a couple of years.. I didn't go back on the drug full-time. Maybe a couple of 6-month scripts but many months without it, as well as binges, flushing a few scripts down the toilet, illicit speed, whatever. Kind of boring story. I wanted to post a link about amphetamines that i really enjoyed. But also it touches on why users may find it real difficult to learn their lesson about speed. (My intro is a case in point) I found it a good reference about unique aspects of amphetamine addiction, and possible stages of use over time. Most interesting bit to me was about memory formation for amphetamine addicts. Apologies if this same thing has been posted on already. I'm sure some of the excellent info on this site has discussed similar/same implications: "...the user forgets how unbearable the negative sensations are (due to amphetamine compromising the brain's ability to efficiently make memories, especially goal-orientated memories); by the next day, even though the user may have told himself to not take amphetamine, he takes amphetamine again anyways (due to the brain not being able to make a goal-orientated memory, the brain was unable to produce counter-motivation to stop the user from taking more amphetamine the next day). This might possibly be the most psychologically painful and strenuous phase for the amphetamine user, since he is unable to figure out why he keeps taking amphetamine even though he clearly knows it only causes him pain." http://www.bluelight...u-Learn-to-Hate To re-cap my reason for quitting, as much to myself as to those reading: no real Work or personal evolution is possible for me on dexedrine. The process of goals/efforts/victories can be personally unique, but also follow certain natural laws. Some of these laws can feel harsh. I feel the greater the tasks are that you want to achieve, the more you owe it to yourself to remove crutches And get back in touch with those natural laws of process, harsh as they may seem. Best wishes to all.