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Found 7 results

  1. How did I get to this point?

    Hey guys...here's my introduction and battle with Adderall for anyone who cares to read. Sorry in advance for the long post. First time I took Adderall was like the other 98% of you all...in college trying to studying for finals haha. I tried it for the first time my junior year during finals week, but didn't like how it made me feel or the appetite suppression. It did make me perform academic tasks with ease...however the cons outweighed the "pros" to me at the time. I was a Top 15 Division 1 athlete then so the heart racing and whole not eating thing would have been detrimental...plus at the time, I didn't think this was a miracle drug or anything that I actually needed in my life. After my senior year I decided I no longer wanted to pursue a Professional career playing my sport (biggest mistake of my life) so I started Grad School shortly after. I had a roommate at the time who took adderall to study so I would take some of his here and there for a big test or a full day of studying. A few months into school I decided to get my own script, which was easily obtained, and there you have it...I had my first Adderall prescription, 20 mg IR. Throughout school, I never took more than 10 mg at a time and no more than 2-3x a week as I was still very physically active and did not feel the need to take it often. I would take frequent breaks or hiatuses...a months prescription would easily last me 2 months. This lasted about 2 years. Fast forward to beginnig of 2015, this is when the potential abuse started to manifest itself. At the time I was not happy where I was at career-wise and felt like I kept fucking things up. This is when I Got my script changed to 30mg IR...and took it almost daily, taking weekend breaks. I was very physically active at this time, and actually in the best shape of my life, working out actually was the only thing that allowed control over my usage. A few months later.... I started my own business and would occasionally take 45-60mg on days that "I had a lot to do". Over halfway into the year, I got an amazing work opportunity and left the country for 60 days. I wanted to focus on my physical fitness on my downtime, so I left the Adderall at home and went 60 days without it no problem. I thought that would be the end of it, I was no longer in school....I didn't really NEED it anymore, right? Wrong...I was so very wrong. I remember the first time I took quadruple my prescribed dose, January 2016. A few days before, I had been informed my Father had been air lifted to the ER because he had been in septic shock and was currently in ICU. I work in Emergency Medicine so I know more than the average individual about how serious his circumstance is. There was a point where his outcome was uncertain. And that's the day I took 120 mg of Adderall, immersed myself into my work, and tried to forget what was actually happening in my world. I felt awful the next day. I didn't sleep at all the night before (a first for me) and for the first time, I felt like a fucking crack head junkie piece of shit. I was sweaty, jittery, anxious, paranoid, and beyond sad at the thought of possibly losing my Father. I was so disgusted with myself and how I felt, I told myself I would never take that high of a dose again. I took a break from the Adderall for a few days, but that was about it. My Father ended up pulling through, and got out of the hospital a few weeks later and is as healthy as can be to this day. A few weeks later, I resumed my daily Adderall intake, but this time with a vengeance. I was trying to start up my own business in my spare time, so I started taking 60-80mg daily. I was no longer physically active at this time, as I wasn't eating or sleeping enough to have the energy for it. Some days I would take upwards of 100mg. It became my norm, and a months prescription would last 10 days at best. When I'd run out, I would crash HARD. Sleeping all day, no energy or motivation to do anything, except eat a LOT of fucking unhealthy food. This lasted probably 7-8 months before I finally broke down and realized I was addicted and was abusing the shit out of this drug. I couldn't believe it...me, ME?! I used to not even give a fuck about Adderall. I've been prescribe for years and always took HALF my prescribed dose for years. This couldn't happen to me, I can't be an addict. I was a collegiate athlete, I was supposed to go to the fucking Pros... I felt god awful....I couldn't get out of bed, I was depressed as hell, I had slowly cut out my family and friends for months, had been a piece of dick shit to my wonderful girlfriend for god knows how long....and was just realizing it. I no longer had hobbies,I just...was. My career took a downward spiral, my once successful startup now was going downhill....what the fuck happened to my life? And here I am today...I've tried to quit twice unsuccessfully. First time lasted a month. The second time lasted 2 months and I was starting to feel great. So I figured I could take it more responsibly this time around. Wrong again. While I don't take any after 3 PM so that I can sleep, and have stuck true to that, I still take around 50-70 mg and my script runs out in 2 weeks. I guess it's a small improvement but not really. I should have never taken it again. I'm still having a very hard time coming to turns with "being an addict"...I haven't admitted it to anyone except my girlfriend and I casually told my best friend that I "abused it once". But that's it. I don't know how to ACTUALLY quit. I feel like I need it, but I know I don't. I just wish I was back to my old self. The me who enjoys working out and cooking and music and going out and having fun. I miss the me who had genuine hobbies and interests, not this Adderall fueled bullshit version of me Anyways, for anyone who actually managed to read my incessantly long rant, I appreciate it and appreciate any words of advice anyone has for me. Thanks.
  2. Addict or just a junkie?

    Adderall is the only drug that I find myself drawn to and ever since getting my scrip I've gradually increased the amount I am taking from 20mg IR a day to two years later clocking in 150mg or so every day. Now days I find myself binging over the course a week once I get my refill (this is the third day of my binge and already through 2/3 of my month's supply. Next three weeks I am sober and have good and bad days but over the last few months I've realized I don't even feel withdrawls other than hunger. I think this cycle of on and off usage for so long has made me numb to the shitiness of detoxing which i guess is kinda nice in a way but here's my question for y'all because idk if I am just overthinking my use and blowing things out of proprtion. Sometimes I just get too in my own head that i get psyched out. How can you know if you're an addict that needs professional help/therapy and not just a person that likes taking drugs? When I'm binging I feel like a full blown out of control addict but when I am taking the rest of the month off the pills I don't really feel the need to seek other drugs for the high. In fact I feel miserable right now and I am on a lot of addy as I write this as some might be able to tell by my rambling. Idk I think subconsciously I just want someone to tell me what my fucking problem is because I'm so different on these pills and I don't even like who I am when I am taking them but I still order that refill every month with another excuse like using it in moderation (LOL) to curb my appetaite or to get a lot of school work done. More often than not anymore I'm more distracted on addy than not, I rush through school work not really learning I don't think, and sorry if this is too crude but a lot of the times I just masturbate for hours on adderall for no reason at all. So it just seems like I am not gaining ANYTHING from this medicine. My reason for taking it this weekend was because I was kinda behind in school and I am caught up now, but at what cost? I've isolated myself from my family staying in my room all day long, I've skipped classes since getting my refill, flaked on friends, go to work tweaked out and just get so fucking sweaty at work it's so embarrassing. Okay sorry for the going off on tangents so thanks for reading if you made it this far through this shit. I'd just really appreciate another person's two cents on this situation. I don't have anyone that knows the extend to this problem nor do I have friends or family that I am all that close to. I just feel so alone right now. I can't decide if i'm just hopeless or not. Any advice or anything would make my day a lot better. Okay, later. PS If it means anything, I am a 21 years old guy.
  3. So I'm just over a week off adderall and I've been looking for a new job because I don't like the 1) reputation I have at my current job and 2) feel like this is a new phase of my life so it should be starting with a new job. Anyone else had this feeling after quitting and if you followed through, did it work out well? I think I nailed the interview which is really good for me being as I was totally sober during it. But part of me is a little worried I won't be as on point if I decide to take this new job. Thoughts?
  4. My community college offers personal counseling (including substance abuse counseling) and today I scheduled my first apointment for tomorrow morning. I have struggled with substance abuse for quite some time (I am turning 21 next month). I've never been to counseling (outside of seeing my psychiatrist for 5 minute meetings every 4-6 months) so I don't really know what to expect. Hoping to get some idea from people here who have done counseling before. I also have a couple questions about couseling. Basically any advice or tips at all is very appreciated. 1.) Can a counselor contact my psychiatrist and tell her that I abuse my medicine? 2.) How reserved or open should I be for my first session? Is it safe to just come clean about ALL drug misuse experiece? Even about other pill abuse? Or even illegal substances like cocaine which I did a bit too... Getting drug abuse couseling is obviously very new for me and I just want to kinda prepare myself as well as I can. I don't wanna say too much not knowing the next day my doc will stop my meds, put me in rehab, maybe even tell my parents since I am on their health insurace.. Thanks everyone
  5. Hey guys 👋🼠So here's the sitch I'm in and could use some help with. I have just significantly change my environment and moved to a different city I know that I've been making progress in my reduction and reducing my impulses when I have triggers but this new environment I've moved into is overwhelming me with how much I have to adjust to. I am from a smaller town with very little activity and I developed ways of coping without utilizing the medicine in my old environment now that I've moved I fear that I'm not sure how to develop new coping mechanisms that are not substance based. I've read all the posts on the difference between quitting cold turkey and weaning yourself off and from everything I've read and my own usage I know that it's best to wean i've read all the posts on the difference between quitting cold turkey and weaning yourself off and from everything I've read and my own usage I know that it's best to wean myself off. I've been studying my habits tracking my impulses setting timers making sure that I am accountable with a person in my life that is capable of doing that for me which I'm grateful for and I've held myself to those goals when I was living at home now I've thrown myself into a situation where my environment is completely different I am in a At home now I've thrown myself into a situation where my environment is completely different I am in a place that's much more active than what I've been used to. I'm posting this wondering if there's any members that have had experience with what I'm doing having the goal of weaning off knowing their intake is very high and having to develop new coping mechanisms in a place where they don't have anyone to support them.
  6. Hey, so im a 20 year old guy, and I wasn't put on Adderall or sleep medications until I was 17 and stayed up for 118 hours straight without it as a result of anxiety because I couldn't focus on this like 20-something page nueroscience paper I was working on and I have some intense OCD that ads to my insomnia. Anyway, I've done martial arts for 13 years, and when i was in middle/high school was kind of a chubby guy, and i struggled to lose weight, constantly trying to find alternatives to running, after my first (awful) semester of college and a very depressing last year of high school I left college because I was miserable, not training since senior year, and continuing to gain wait, and being home for break, picking up muay thai made me remember what i really love to do, which is exercise and martial arts. I started running, and training really hard, and I'm in truly fantastic shape, if I dieted (ate healthier) in a more strict way, I'd be at the weight I need to so I can compete. however, I've been feeling since roughly july of last summer, like I cant workout without my pills. Now I have consistently tested weather or not I can run, or train, or do as many pull ups, or lift as strong when I'm not on it, and while pull ups and lifting weights can be daunting or hard to start cause im shooting the shit, I can bench and lift and deadlift just as much, and do just as many pull ups, push ups, handstand push ups and so on, provided that I've gotten enough sleep and eaten enough through out the day. I can also train just as hard, but the problem is, that when i do take my adderall, I feel so much more pumped, even though, it probably burns me out a little faster, I'm stubborn and I've never been one to go to muay thai or TKD and train for an hour and stop, im always there for hours on end, even if im beat because I know I can recover, and you need to train hard to be good, and I am more than decent at what i do, but without my adderall, running feels so slow, my legs feel so heavy which sometimes happens on it as well (forgetting to stretch or being sore), it feels much harder without it, and even going to train is daunting. the point im trying to make is that I feel like taking it is cheating, the perceived effort I feel when i run on it is so much less than without it, and granted sometimes you're just not feeling the run, or it wont clear your head, so its hard to push yourself, but I can run 4+ miles without it, however today i took it and ran 8 (this was like 8 hours ago), just pushed through the difficulty even though i was tired. I'm just sick of feeling like I can't workout without it or not feeling pumped, even though I can, or will. taking it makes me feel like im cheating, and that none of the progress I've made in the last year since leaving school, in terms of my weight, my skill, and my happiness really counts or isn't because I work hard, but all because of the pills. my grades my freshman year of college sucked, not because i was partying a lot, cause I was beyond used to having freedom and didnt abuse it, but because I was miserable, and im doing much better now, with the exception of feeling too tired to workout without it,even though if i know if start i can do it, or spending all day at work (construction/tiling until im back in school) worrying about being tired later, or feeling too tired after work without it. Sorry for this insanely long post, since I was a kid I tend to ramble when I write or talk, is this ridiculous to feel this way? I hate it, but at the same time, so many days I feel like I really need it. Again, sorry, so few of my friends or family get this, and the only few that can sympathize in a sense, tell me its irrational because i was prescribed it and diagnosed with it. I've always worked so hard to meet my own goals or expectations, I did well in high school because I wanted to feel good about my work, I work my ass off so i can be proud of myself, not because anyone tells me to, and I don't like feeling like I cant without some stupid pill. sincerely, thanks for anyone who responds.
  7. Okay, sorry if this is long. I'm so turned around and I just need to get it all out. I've been thinking about quitting lately. I've made a couple of attempts in the past but always end up back on the addies or some other stimulant. I know it's destructive but I think I just haven't found the internal motivation to follow through. I love being creative and productive and social all the time way too much to do the smart thing and worry about my undoubtedly increasingly unbalanced nuerochemistry... or my health... or the prospect of my life turning into 'Requiem for a Dream'. You know, typical addict stuff. But I met this really great guy and I REALLY like him. Like, oh man, we super click on a lot of levels. But I definitely don't want to put someone I really care about in the position of being an addict's partner, especially because he has dated a junky in the past and that sorta contributed to his life going off the rails. So, my options are now; 1) Keep seeing him and lie - Bleh, been there, done that. So much no. I want to be better than that. I HAVE to be better than that. 2) Tell him about my addiction and let him decide what he wants to do - I feel like this is the right, courageous, and most ethical thing to do but the mere thought of saying the words 'I am addicted to adderall' to this person makes me shakey. I am historically a relationship addict (not as much so now that I've replaced one addiction with another); http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_addiction and the prospect of facing dissaproval and abandonment from someone I'm romantically entangled with instills the fear of death itself in me. Or that's what it feels like anyway. I feel like I can't do it, like, physically, if that makes sense. I feel like my throat will close up or I'll throw from nerves or have a panic attack or something if I even try to have that conversation. 3) Same as above (tell him) but also explain that this means I can't be involved with anyone right now. I think there might be some virtue in completing my adderall saga, whenever and wherever it may end, alone. I don't want to do damage to anyone but me. 4) Make some excuse to stop hanging out or dissapear mysteriously and hope it doesn't bum him out too much - I would be epically sad, but this would be the easiest thing to do. It's also the most cowardly. If I could be brave enough to tell him what's going on in my life, and he still wants to hang out with my crazy ass for some reason, that would probably be on the condition that I start working on quitting now, which I'd be willing to try again, but I feel like I'd fail because I wouldn't be 100% certain if it was for me, or if it was just for him. I don't know if I'm ready to quit. I'm so pathetic... I'm co-dependant to the point that I don't even care enough about myself to stop using tweak, I need 'love' or whatever the fuck you call what co-dependants feel to motivate me to save my own goddamn life. And even if I didn't have those issues, I'm pathetic because I'm choosing drugs over spending more time with someone who I think is totally awesome and I can't even work up the guts to tell them. Can anyone relate? Thoughts? Advice? Man... I feel like the worst person... =(