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Found 11 results

  1. Struggling. 5 months out.

    I just want my life back. I am more depressed than I ever knew was humanly possible. Full of anxiety about things that I've never had anxiety about before. This is not who I am...
  2. Hearing Things

    Does anyone get anxiety to the point where they can hear things that arent really there?
  3. Only Two Pills Left

    I am not able to see my physician until June. My toes, hands, (occasionally) crotch have been having the cold sweats. Is it my body telling me to stop? I look inside my medication bottle everyday and see the amount decreasing. Little orange pills leaving. I've decrease my dosage over the past months from 30mg to 15mg a day. Now I should be doing 10mg a day because I look inside my pill bottle and there are only two pills left.
  4. Hey Everyone, I just want to tell my story and I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks... Basically, I have built a fraudulent life based on my use of adderall. I used it to get through college, but the real thing is that I used it to create a booming business. I won't get into all the mundane details of my story but basically I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 3rd grade so I know that I have some kind of attention disorder... But I hated taking the ritalin and so I got through high school by the skin of my teeth without any medication... I am a fun loving goofball of a person and I always HATED homework, studying, anything tedious etc... Anyways.... after years of recreational drug use... opiates, marijuana, alcohol, benzos, (of which i became addicted to opiates) I started taking adderall while I was recovering from opiates One night while high on adderall I downloaded an illegal version of photoshop and started playing with it for the first time. I became somewhat obsessed with photoshop and graphic design, so I decided to buy a camera so that I could edit my own pictures. I would take suboxone and adderall and the crash of adderall never really bothered me... I was going a mile a minute... creating elaborate photographs and digital imagery... I started posting my work online and immediate got a job doing photography, people wanted to buy my photographs and I thought hey! I could finally have my own business, be my own boss and make great money doing what "i love"... It was a dream come true... Over the next 3 years, I continued to use adderall with and without a perscription... taking whatever dose I felt like at the time and what the job called for... I learned how to make websites, do accounting, marketing, sales, and branched out my business to also do films and video editing... I decided to specialize in Weddings... because "thats where the money is" ... my business grow quickly and I began working for myself full time... eventually buying a brand new car and saving more money than I had ever in my life... I knew somewhere in my head that this adderall was unsustainable... and I told myself that one day I will be able to stop taking the adderall and the business will run smoothly... I would do things I enjoyed without adderall like meeting with clients, shooting the photos at the weddings, talking on the phone etc... but when it came to sitting at the computer to edit thousands of pictures and put together elaborate wedding films I knew I had to take that ADDERALL to get the job done right and quickly. I would binge on adderall and stay up all night and into the next day and then when the crash came calling I would do anything to take it away... alcohol, weed, xanax (which caused me to do a lot of dumb things) .... I would feel terrible for a week or so after my binge... but then when the time came it was back to the adderall to get the work done... Fast forward to January 2014 I was at the top of my game (or so I thought) ... I had booked 50 weddings for the year and I was on vacation in colorado, then in February there was a wedding in Key West, FL ... During this time I was extremely happy ... almost too happy... I felt more confident than I had ever in my life, I met and had sex, relationships with more women in 6 months than I had in 2 years... However, I would drink alcohol with or without adderall and would become obnoxious, I would binge on adderall, smoke weed and I scared away basically every woman I had met during that period. I knew something had to change, I couldn't live this reckless lifestyle and become the man I always wanted to become (I am 28 years old, still living at home with my dad, I don't pay rent, no girlfriend) I thought that maybe it is time for me to grow up and stop the adderall This was right at the beginning of my wedding season. I knew it would be hard to continue my success without the adderall but I was not prepared for what has come to fruition. depression, anxiety, uncertainty, low self esteem, obsessive thinking ... Maybe I really can't do this without adderall? Maybe I need adderall to function? I got through this summer without adderall except maybe once... it was truly a miserable experience... I don't know if even like the career or business I chose. I hate sitting at a desk, I hate editing videos, I hate being in an isolating job all by myself... I have way to much free time to lay around and do nothing... I believe that I never would have started this business without adderall I am now at the point where I don't know wether or not I want to continue to run this business, I care about the money but I don't want to live life as an adderall zombie... I have been extremely anxious and depressed about my life situation... I have tried to take adderall at lower doses, but I just feel so miserable when it wears off that I just can't bear to be on it... but then after a few days I say I need to take it to get my work done or i'm going to be a nobody in life. I truly don't know what to believe anymore, I see some people take adderall and have no issues... I wish I could live a full life without adderall but I feel deep inside that I will never be as successful and that I will regret quitting my career and business. I have had periods where I can't even get out of bed to shower, never mind go to work everyday. I have become so accustomed to making large amounts of money for minimal work and using drugs to achieve everything that I don't know how to function normally anymore. I may have to start my life over from scratch If you made it this far I sincerely thank you for listening to my story. -Mike
  5. this is so hard

    -I've used a LOT of adderall ever since I began attending law school over a decade ago. I heard of other students taking it to get and stay ahead in a highly competitive environment, so I jumped on that band wagon. Since then, I have had periods where I have stopped taking it. About three and a half years ago, I went through a really bad break up and changed jobs. I got back on Adderall. At first it helped tremendously with my mood, losing weight, being able to work and not think about my broken heart. About six months ago, however, I began burning through my perscriptions really, really fast. Like two weeks early. And then I would be in withdrawal til the next script day--which was like Christmas. But even with those scripts, the first couple of days would be good and productive, but more and more, i felt less and less like I did anything besides sit around and think. So, eventually, when I had burned through a script really fast, I decided not to keep taking them--figuring that the worst of withdrawal was over and they had become counter productive anyway. For several weeks I did feel like I had a new lease on life. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, shopping, household projects were all fun and I was doing them all because it just felt good too--not because I was in absolute dire straights to get them done for the first time in i can't remember how long. But that feeling seems to have worn off too. now I just feel tired, and a lot of anxiety. I know it is work related, but it is so hard for me to get any work done. It's been about 30 days since I quit. I also used to be a big pilates buff and I cannot even seem to get the easiest workouts completed, but when I feel that anxiety I try really hard to exercise to help relieve it. I'm glad I'm not living on adderall, but I still feel miserable. How can i get myself into good work habits? how can i get myself in to good eating/exercise habbits? how can i manage this anxiety/depression? thanks all for listening.
  6. Note: Mostly writing this if anyone has a similar experience. I know my is unique. I don't think many people get enophthalmia (extreme sunken eyes) from adderall. If you have, let me know by responding on this form considering it ruined my face, I would at least like an answer to wtf I did wrong. M/27/14 Term: 2 years, ~5 days a week sometimes 6 days a week Dosage: 20 mg IR Diagnosed: ADHD Possible Side Effects Experienced During and After: Autoimmune Disease resembling lupus/SLE, enophthalmia , Depression, Anxiety. Other diagnosis possibly unrelated: Kyphosis, Lordosis, Long Thoracic Nerve Palsy, Degenerative Disc Disease throughout Thoracic Spine Reason for quitting: Depression, Anxiety, refusing to up dosage, dependency. Medications Prior to Adderall: Bupropion (3 weeks, quit due decreased cognitive function a.k.a feeling like being on NyQuil) Concerta (3 days) My story starts like anyone else introduction to adderall at a later age. A friend gave me one of his 20 mg pill I took it to help with my studying because throughout my life I always had a problem with motivation and concentration. Now looking back on it, I was probably depressed, been depressed for a while after I dropped out of college at 21. At 25, I was clinging on to the hopes of just finishing classes without any sense of direction. After I took this single pill, I felt as though it opened up a whole new world for me. My perception of everything changed. I felt like a normal person, I could study, I could write, I have discipline, and I am finally happy! I can laugh again, it felt good to be a human being. It felt like I have been in the dark all this time but as soon as I took adderall I felt the warmth of the sun, energizing me, giving me hope for my own purpose once again. My anxiety just disappeared, my thought process quickened, and the euphoria was pretty awesome. I could actually start conversations and actually be charismatic! Holy shit! I never once in my life had that ability. I had no idea medications did this. It improved every aspect of my personality and mind without side effects?! (well, there as the crash, but to be expected form a stimulant. Caffeine has the same thing) After this, I thought getting a prescription would be good. I knew when I went on a mission to get prescribed, I didn't have ADHD, I might have ADD/ sleep apenia/some other disorder, but I felt it would be easy just to waltz on in and say I have adhd. Less expensive too I was 25 at the time without health insurance or much money. They asked me some questions and bam! got some... Concerta? Err... okay. Tried Concerta like lack luster results, I had energy and focus, but it was very erratic and unrefined. It felt like I was tweaking and it increased my anxiety 10X. I hated it. It felt like an introverted adderall, it helped some areas, but made others way worse. I couldn't afford to be like that. I waited 3 days, went back, got adderall. Easy peisy lemon squeezy. Within a year, I got a new job, moved out into my own apt, was doing good in school again. Shit, every time I look back, I wish I just stopped after the first year, but how did I know that it would lead into such a disaster. Second year, was losing it's effect. I got caught up in the cycle of being slightly depressed, but I didn't think it was the adderall. It happened after quitting smoking, so this has got be just a side effect. Kept blaming other things, vitamin deficiency, not enough sleep, diet. Yet, it just kept getting worse and worse. I started not even bothering to leave the house on the weekend unless it was worth it. Anxiety raised again during this time, it contributed to me not going out to socialize anymore. After a while, I started getting health problems, my eyes were sinking into the back of my head. My left shoulder was slumping forward more than my right. My friends and family said I looked sick and different (accused me of doing drugs). I withdrew from society even more and isolated myself. After that, I quit adderall hoping things would return to normal. 3 months later, now depression and anxiety are a constant thing now, I have trouble sleeping, trouble with classes, I thought of quitting my job more than once, doctor has diagnosed me with Lupis, long thoracic nerve palsy, degenerative disk disease and god knows what else. My facial structure has changed, I look like I aged 20 years in 6 months time. People say I look 35 years +. I look like a rat now. My eyes are permanently sunken in and it makes me feel embarrassed to look people in the eyes. Lets just say I no longer get complimented on my looks. Whenever I look in the mirror I don't see the same person either. Things haven't changed much since I started. You still reach a dead-end, at least I am in a better situation financially, but not by much with all the medical bills though. I sometimes wonder if Adderall expressed whatever disease/gene I was suffering from early, I seriously doubt it caused it, but probably triggered the gene expression sooner. I also think this is another reason why long term adderall users cannot last. After overclocking the system for so long, something just goes wrong. Adderall is the trigger, but your body would have expressed it sooner or later. Shit sucks. But I now have my mind back. I feel calmer and like I am whole again. I no longer question my decisions. I have less anxiety than before and my depression has dulled. It's still there, but now I know for sure Adderall made it worse. I am still isolated from society and I am not sure what to do. I think I might just join the military truth be told. Navy sounds good, Air Force would have been better (too late about to turn 28). With School debts, medical bills, shitty economy, I have nothing to lose, all my friends are abandoned me and my family has done the same. My motivation is crumbled yet again and I stand here wondering... wondering... being 27, the prime of my life, what is it that I should do?. After having the sense of drive so long, you kinda miss it. For now, I will take comfort in being sober again standing on my own two feet without any crutch, I may not walk any better, but at least I know I can try to run without having to carry it all the way through life. Such is life and so it goes...
  7. There is just no one to talk to about this I've always been a hair puller, but as the Adderall addiction gets worse, so does my trich.. I was used to coping with it somewhat and hiding it almost completely, but it has become so severe that I consider my body destroyed. My eyebrows are lopsided, my hair that has finally growing in from constant pulling in highschool is disappearing once again, and I ended an amazing relationship because I ran out of excuses as to why I refused to be even remotely intimate. If he saw under my clothes and make-up any longer, we wouldn't have been together much longer anyway. The worst part is that if it came down to quitting adderall as the only way to control the urges, I know I would choose the drug. I hate myself without adderall and it seems like the rest of the world does too. I guess there will be suffering either way. If there is anyone out there who can relate even to the slightest..... It would add some brightness to my life just to know that i'm not alone, and maybe even that suffering isn't inevitable. ~Thank you all dearly~
  8. This is a question for anyone that was abusing adderall with a history of depression, but found something that filled the void after coming clean. Was there something specific that changed in your life or that you did to change your life to keep you HAPPY {for the most part} and off adderall? PS this goes for whether you were or were not a.d.d. Im finding it hard to be sober and honest with myself and say I would NEVER do that stuff again even though I rationally know it's stupid. I admire the shit out of people that stay clean. Im just wondering if there was some awesome thing that took it's place for lack of a better expression.
  9. Hi, my name is Matt and last Wednesday (Oct. 2, 2013) I took my last dose of adderall (5mg). I received a prescription for adderall to help out with my ADHD a few years back. Well, actually I started out on Focalin and switched over to adderall because it was cheaper as my doses were increasing (no generic Focalin available at the time). I'm one of those people who really didn't need to drug, but felt that I needed it because it made me feel good, which motivated me. Likely, I would have been better off taking an SSRI instead of going down the stimulant route, but hindsight is 20/20. At my worst, I was taking 50mg of adderall a day. I knew that I was in over my head with the "addy" after I didn't take it one morning and I felt like absolute crap (physical pains and aches). Also, I felt extremely tired no matter how much I was taking. I felt very distant and and socially isolated. I couldn't accomplish anything without taking a dose beforehand (especially workouts). My life revolved around timing the effects of the pills. I couldn't take it anymore and decided that it was time to quit. I found this website and decided to follow the "weaning off" procedure. Luckily for me, my doctor worked with me to help me wean off of the stuff. While off the pills, I'm still working out regularly, but am finding it difficult to become motivated some days. I'm taking Zoloft (have been for awhile), and that helps, but I can't put as much on my plate anymore. I'm a graduate student and some people have told me that I picked a bad time to quit, but I think that I made the right decision. Does anyone have any tricks that help improve motivation?
  10. I am 38/male and from the USA.. I started this over a year ago and the doctor has me legitimately on 50MG a day. I didn't realize how addicting it is and I didn't realize that I was driven at times to the manic side since I am also on Prozac 80MG a day and Neurontin. Last month, I refilled an extra prescription that I had because the doctor wrote me one ahead of time because I was about to be discharged because I wasn't seeing a therapist. Got the second one filled at a pharmacy that I never got any medication from and paid cash.. Over the past six weeks or so I have taken anywhere from 60MG - 100MG a day. I pop 2 20MG when I get out of bed and take with Monster Energy. I had a friend get some more from me from a hookup. I have been using them as a crutch to get thru bad situations just pop the pills like a candy. I never feel that Euphoric effect I once had and I really need to charge the SSRI because I flip out at the tiniest problem.. All these medications have done more harm than good. I have NO job and I have a BA degree & MS degree in fields that are in demand and after over two years of interviewing, temp jobs that just 'ended' with a phone call for a vague reason and no full time job I have no motivation. I own a business absentee but that is a whole other story.. I am trying to taper down slowly. Is insomnia & trouble sleeping common side effect. I cannot get more than a few hours of sleep and some times I am constantly starving. I workout doing high intensity boxing conditioning at least 5 days a week so I am still (thank god) within normal range for weight.
  11. I remember years ago in my 20's (when I was abusing alcohol) seeing an advertisement which said: "I drink because I hate myself." That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks because it was so true and is still true now with my new addiction to Adderall. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would get caught on this roller coaster again. I managed to get through my 30's and most of my 40's drug and alcohol free and never imagined I would be so stupid to go down this road again. I am trying to decide if i should do something drastic like quit my part time job which pays very well or fully retire and stop all these stupid drugs and be free once and for all. I have anxiety and social phobia and take meds for those conditions along with Adderall just to get through the day and then crash after work. Right now I would rather have less money than to keep on hating myself more each day. I've tried easing myself off the anxiety drugs and adderall but felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. Needless to say, dealing with a lot of people at work was very difficult. This site is very inspirational - just reading all the success stories gives me hope. I'm not looking forward to the deep depression, crying jags and weight gain, but I think if I don't have to deal with coworkers or the public it might be easier to take my time to heal emotionally and physically. Has anyone here taken a long break from life to heal from this terrible drug?