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Found 8 results

  1. Starting the Journey

    I have spent a few days reading through various posts and can't tell you how good it feels to know I'm not alone in what I have been going through over the past two decades of taking stimulants. I feel blessed to have found this forum. To understand my relationship with stimulants required me to go back in time to my early twenties (I'm now 41), to my first full time job after completing my undergraduate degree. I had made my way out to Los Angeles after being hired into the Agent Training Program at the William Morris Agency and was now working my way up the showbusiness ladder, paying my dues as they say. My office hours started very early and went quite late and once home I would stay up several more hours trying to chip away at a mountain of scripts given to me that I was required to read and review for the following morning. I was never a great student in school and the American way of teaching and testing was not a great fit for my non traditional style of learning. The result of all that struggle was a solid amount of work-performance anxiety that showed up as I began my career in the entertainment business -- in my head I was always one inch away from being fired. That anxiety lead to psychotherapy with a psychologist who then recommended me to a psychiatrist who after hearing about my insane workload recommended I be put on an antidepressant and stimulant and thus my entrance into the hamster-wheel of medication had begun. Over the next eighteen years or so, while taking antidepressants and stimulants I excelled and was able to advance my career and achieve many of the goals I set out for myself. All that being said, like many of you, it has come at the cost of my mental and physical health. As I sit here typing my story I figure I have about 45-min to 60-min left on my Adderall XR before I begin to crash out, left with only feelings of extreme exhaustion, mental fog, agitation, depression and anxiety. My productivity, mood, energy, and motivation now revolve around my stimulant doses -- they are running the show. Needless to say this is not how I wish to continue living my life. I have been able to reduce my total daily dosage from 60mg Adderall XR twice daily to 30mg XR twice daily and will try cold turkeying the rest starting tomorrow. I have met with Naturopath specializing in addiction therapy who made some good supplement recommendations that will hopefully ease some of the withdrawal discomfort (attached) and plan to give myself the entire month off from any work responsibilities to begin my healing process. Thank you all for sharing your stories and being part of this special community of support! I know I will be leaning on you in the coming days and weeks. -Gordon
  2. It all began the first semester of junior year. I was diagnosed for ADD when I was a child, though I never got any medications. But my friend told me about this wonder drug (l didn't know it was garbage at the time) called adderall and how he was achieving new academic heights because of it. His story inspired me to go to my doctor and get adderall prescribed to me. It worked, I got a prescription to adderall and life was looking pretty good at the time. Fast forward six months. My normal dosage was 30mg/day but I kept working myself higher and higher in terms of the dosages. Today was the last day before spring break and I apparently had three tests to take. Keep in mind I have been a daily prescribed user of adderall for a year now so my reaction was something along the lines of this: Oh no! I'm going to have to take a lot of adderall today because if I don't then bad things will happen to my grades oh no! Sure enough, I took four tablets of adderall, that's right, 120mg. The realization came to me when I came home. I realized the sham this pill truly is. It tries to deceive you into thinking that with its help, it will chemically pole vault you to whatever you want to do. Sadly, this couldn't be further from the truth. I used to be a down to earth person, a great friend. One of my buds even went so far as to describe me as "the only genuine person in this place full of charlatans and pretentious phonies". But this personality I used to have got replaced by the deceitful poison that goes by the name of Adderall. It turned me into the opposite of my personality and I hated it. But I lied to myself and tolerated it because according to me I got A's. To tell you the truth, I would give all the A's I have ever earned in my life for that one year of my life back. If I could have it back I would develop my personality and establish new heights. But alas, I wasted a year of my life, a year of my youth. Then I realized I had to quit this junk and I had to quit it NOW. This isn't the first time I've faced a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. In sophomore year I looked in the mirror and I didn't like that I was overweight. In six months, I had lost 50 lbs. Now, today, I look in the mirror and I see a pale and sickly version of myself. But I see a ray of hope. It sounds odd, but I feel like my personality is beneath this chemical addiction. I know if I beat the addiction I will get my personality back. With new-found confidence, I threw the contents of the pill bottle down my toilet and made a declaration to myself. Now it is about 3am and I can't sleep. I'm writing this write now and I am shaking, shivering, and pale. I think I am going through a crash from the extremely large dose I took earlier today. However, crashes are only temporary and my willpower is still very much strong. I will keep you all updated on my self-journey, but for now I must depart. Thank you, yes you out there who took the time to read my story and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And if you are thinking of taking this crap, I hope you heeded my story and are aware of the lows that come with this drug.
  3. It's my time

    Hello everyone. Long time viewer of, first time poster. I am 23 years old, and have been on 30mg XR for 3 years. My story doesn't differ from most of what you find on here, but today is a big day for me, so I figured I'd join in. Today is my last day on adderall. Here is my story (it is lengthy, but I figured if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right) All throughout my life, up until the start of my senior year in high school, I never drank, smoked, took adderall, or took part in anything else that you could throw under that umbrella of what I like to call the "fake living facilitators." In a class of 350, I was voted class clown, I was up for homecoming king, I won Mr. East High (my high school's fun competition every year where the senior guys compete in a talent show to make the audience laugh, and then judges select finalists. these finalists answer questions from the panel, and then they decide on who is Mr East High. think of it as a satyrical beauty pageant) Anyways, I digress, lol. Not to toot my horn, but I loved life, wasn't afraid to really live it, and didn't care about what others thought about me. That all changed in college when I became a full blown pot head. I tried ecstasy, shrooms, prescription pills, cocaine, salvia, etc. Somehow, I made it through my freshman year pretty easily as far as my GPA was concerned. I like to think that I'm naturally intelligent, very well spoken, and far too good of a liar. These attributes have gotten me through some pretty bleak times in my life. Anyways, just before the start of my sophomore year, at the age of 19, I got a DUI. I thought "this is it, I'm going to change my life, live at home for awhile, and get back to my old self. Just like I was in high school." I followed through on that plan... Sort of. I DID live at home with my parents, but I still smoked weed and drank. Surprisingly, yet again, I made it through my sophomore year academically, and I even finished the year on the Dean's list! Keep in mind, this whole time I am lying to my parents about where I am going, drinking regularly, smoking weed almost daily, and prolonging any chances I ever had of getting back to the real me. However, I did join a small fraternity during the second semester of my sophomore year, because I thought that I could make a new group of friends that didn't partake in all of the crazy, stupid stuff that I had been filling my life with. This plan backfired. While I did meet some great new friends in this fraternity, not all of them were much different than who I had become: a directionless pothead who loved to do anything if it meant that I didn't have to be sober and deal with my reality. My social anxiety was at an all time high, I felt worthless, and I constantly wanted to smoke weed. Once I got high, I would become a shell of any real human being. I would sit with my friends, in silence, and the only thing that was on my mind was how I used to be the guy that everyone wanted to hang out with because I could make anyone laugh their ass off. I had nothing to say, I was scared of sounding stupid, and I was ashamed of myself. Then my Junior year began. I was 20 years old, and my lifestyle started to catch up with my education. I started off the semester in a terrible slump, and I did not know how I was going to make it through college without dropping out. My parents are very well off, and they were paying for a large portion of my college education, letting me live at their house rent-free, providing me food, and a car. I could not let them down. My mom, a nurse practitioner, asked me if I had ever taken an ADHD test. I said I hadn't. She suggested that I take a questionnaire that she would bring home from the office. I did, and sure enough, my answers showed that I more than likely had ADHD. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor, and I ended up getting prescribed 20 mg adderall XR. There's Something you all should know about me: I love video games. I worked at a GameStop, and playing PS3 and Xbox 360 were probably my two biggest hobbies. I would love to get high and/or drunk and play them. As a matter of fact, I only played them if I was high and/or drunk, because they weren't fun to me anymore if I wasn't, and I was high and/or drunk everyday! This was why my education was beginning to slip, and adderall was my chance to turn it all around. Boy, did I have ZERO clue about where my journey was headed. The day after I received my adderall, I woke up at 8:30 for my 9:00 class, got ready, popped my first orange capsule, and headed out for class. This particular class was one of my least favorite classes of all time, and I hated going, but that particular morning, everything changed. It was 9:30, halfway through the class, and all of a sudden, a feeling poured over me. I felt like I was spontaneously reborn. I felt like I could actually listen to the professor talk. I wanted to participate in the discussion! But then other things happened. I wanted to draw in my notebook. I wanted to drive my car. I wanted to try anything with this new sensation my body was experiencing! But then, the best idea came to me: I wanted to fucking play VIDEO GAMES! "I would be so good at them, that it wouldn't be fair to eveyone else online," I thought to myself. Class got out, I drove my car home in NASCAR fashion, because I felt like I was the best civilian car pilot who ever drove, and I fired up Modern Warfare 2 on my PS3... I was doomed. I ended up skipping most of my classes that semester because of how adderall exploded my gaming addiction. My sleep schedule went haywire: going to bed at 5am, and waking up @ 8am because I had to fool my parents into thinking I was going to my morning class. I'd pop a pill, go get McDonald's breakfast, sit in the football field parking lot, listened to Dan Patrick's sport show on the radio, and then go home and furiously game. This went on for the remainder of the semester, and I only managed one C- out of my 4 classes. The rest were F's. My parents didn't know what to do. I told them the adderall was working, but I started taking it too late into the semester. I told them I needed to find my own place to live because I was becoming restless, and that next semester I would buckle down and turn my grades around. I ended up finding an apartment near the campus, and a good friend of mine to live with so we could both afford it. The next semester started off pretty well. I was still on adderall, still playing video games way too much, but I learned to control it so that I could get through school. I wasn't hanging out with my pot smoking fraternity friends as much, but I still smoked with them about once a week or so. I drank many nights a week with my roommate because we both loved to game, and we both loved beer. Things definitely were not turning around, but I was managing to get by in school. Then, the best week of my life occurred: the week I met Megan. It was March, midway through the semester, and it was Greek Week. A week where my fraternity, another fraternity, and the only sorority on campus competed in fun events to see who the best Greek organization was at Morningside College. To kick the week off, all three groups went bowling that Monday night. We were all having a good time, I was on my adderall, feeling like a champion, goofing around with my fraternity brothers, and then it was my turn to throw. I walked up to the lane and I noticed a group of fraternity girls were watching me. I was having a good night, and for some reason, my personality felt like it did back in high school: care free, funny, and totally in the moment. I rolled my ball down the lane, and when my ball crashed into the pins I thrust my hips forward really hard, making all my fraternity brothers, and the group of sorority girls watching laugh. I recognized one of the girls, Megan, from a class I was taking that semester. She was laughing at my hip-thrust celebration, and yelled at me something like "oh that's nice!" I joked back at her, and I knew she was diggin me. Later that week, during the outdoor events, I decided I would flirt with Megan. During the baloon shaving contest, I noticed that both her and I weren't participating, so I walked over to stand by her to watch our teams compete. I got my hands on a bottle of shaving cream, and started joking around with her. I was making her laugh, and we were flirting pretty hard. The next day, i asked her out to dinner. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, and I thought a bunch of our friends would be coming along too. It ended up being just me and her, and we had a great time. After dinner, we were talking out in the parking lot, and I gave her a big hug. I pussied out when it came to kissing her, and the whole drive home I kept kicking myself because I didn't. But I was smiling. I had a different feeling about Megan. Different than with any other girl that I had ever met. For the first time during my life on adderall, something other than adderall or video games started to occupy my thoughts. The next night, I invited her to come drink with my fraternity at our building and watch March Madness. We ended up sharing our first kiss that night. She made the first move, she beat me to it lol. I stayed the night at her apartment, and I asked her to be my girlfriend that night. Fast forward 3 years to now I graduated, have a great job, and am happy. Without Megan, I don't know where I would be. Now to the sad part. The part where, right here and now, am on my last day with adderall... I let my adderall addiction and video game addiction sabotage my relationship with Megan. We lived with each other, and I put her in tears more times than I care to admit, but she stood by me. She never knew how many nights I stayed up gaming, high on adderall. I wouldn't want to go to her hometown to see her family because I wanted to stay here and play games with my friends and take adderall. We shared an amazing relationship with one another. Great sex, we made each other laugh constantly, we cared about each other, and we both wanted to be with each other forever. But then there was adderall. I stopped smoking because of her. I started focusing on finishing school because of her, but because of adderall, I kept up with my staying up all night to play video games habit. Right up until a month before graduation, she was looking for a new job because her position was going to be cut by the college. She couldn't find anything here in town, so she took a job back in her home town. She turned down a job 3 hours away that she really wanted because I wouldn't look for a job there, and was too stubborn. Before she moved, she helped me with my résumé, and I found a job that I really wanted. Throughout her struggles finding a new job, and dealing with the pain of me not wanting to move with her, she STILL cared enough about me to help me get employed. We did the long distance thing. I was depressed and starting drinking again because she was gone. I was succeeding at work, only because I had adderall. I still played a ton of video games, but I noticed that I felt alone. Adderall stripped me of any motivation to find friends or reconnect with old ones. I wanted to work, go home, play video games, and go to bed. I finally started to work on myself: start working out, stop gaming, start letting Megan know that I would be a better boyfriend, but it was too late. She wanted to break up. I was a mess... Looking back, I never gave myself a chance to revert back to my normal self. If it wasn't weed, it was alcohol, if it wasn't alcohol, it was some prescription drug, and during it all, I relied on adderall to get me through everyday. I know this story jumps around a lot, and might not have the most focused message, but just know this: I am done with adderall. Starting tomorrow, I am going to get the old me back. Work will be hard, but I want to feel like me again. The me I was 5 years ago. Megan made me feel closest to my real self, yet I never gave her a chance to get to know the real me. The love I feel for her is so real, but I never gave her the chance to see me at my best. Adderall, you have helped me get through some terrible times, and made me feel great when I shouldn't have, but you have hijacked my chance at pure, real, genuine happiness. Megan knows I am quitting adderall, starting to exercise, sleeping normally, reconnecting with old friends, but she has already moved on. Now, I've got to do it for me. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to her, to not let her efforts in helping me grow throughout our 3 year relationship go in vein. I cannot wait to feel real again. I know it will be a hard road, because I've been so dependent on this stupid drug, and binged far too many nights, but it will be worth it. Whether I get Megan back or not, I will get ME back, and that is the most important thing in the world. If you're reading this line, it either means you skipped to the end or read this entire post. Whatever the case, here is what I want you to take from this entire story: (confusing and crazy as it was, being I am on adderall still, LAST DAY BABY!) : Adderall leads you into a fake existence. Some people need it to function, I understand, but if you're thinking about quitting then chances are you never needed it in the first place! Be you! Life is meant to be experienced in all of its glory and pitfalls! You don't need a crutch! I forget who said it, but on this website I read something that I'd like to repeat "I'd rather slog through life than speed through it on adderall" stop speeding up your life! Slow down! Really FEEL things, find out what is truly important to YOU! I am starting tomorrow. Work is going to suck, and I'll probably want to sleep constantly for awhile. ...but I can't wait for that first pill-free morning when i wake up and say "I can't wait for today"... Thanks for reading, and if I got to talk to any of you in person, I could make the story make a little more sense. Left some details out, but you get the picture. Here is a quote I came up with yesterday, and I'm going to live by it from now on "throw away your vices, life is full of real spices, that will bring you amazing surprises, time to stop being so lifeless" Thank You, Tom
  4. Hi people. I'm not sure I have the energy right now to tell all my story here, as what I really wanted was to ask something, but i guess it makes sense to give some background: I'm a female on my 30s, a psychologist that more than once received a diagnosis of ADD, but no longer understands it under the same light that psychiatry does. My difficulty with staying foccussed on boring tasks or shifting my attention to something else when I'm doing what I love is part of who I am, and the improvements or changes I wish to work on myself should be achieved through exactly that: through work, on my own merit. For that, I chose to work on my soul making changes for good, rather than popping pills hoping for a magic cure of my hindrances. I will try to keep this short: I have been taking 70mg of Vyvanse as prescribed by the doctor - who I easily convinced I needed such high dose - for 3 years. Many times I abused it, taking double doses and crashing terribly the next day. Like most of us, I have reached a point that even taking only 30mg per day (the minimum dose) is making me a robotic, emotionless, never-pleased girl who is highly functioning for all the pointless things, whilst leaving the important projects in my life for later. I'm no longer proud of my beautiful, sparkling clean house whilst my book remains in the drawer waiting to be written. I'm disgusted with myself that I relied on that pill to do anything, and could barely reply a friend's text if I wasn't on it. I first tried quitting in January, when I told the psychiatrist I was addicted to it and didnt want Vyvanse to be available to me when I was ordering other meds at the chemist, and he said he would promptly remove it. 3 weeks in and I had to order inhalers at my GP, and I saw vyvanse still there, and I just ordered again. Now 6 months later I'm only on day 3, having binned my full months supply so at least I know I will go the full month without, and Monday I have an appointment in which I will have to lie and say I am feeling suicidal and plan to overdose on Vyvanse if they still make it available for me. I know it's very radical, but it's the only way doctors will listen. For now, I am couch-ridden on day 3 and despite being ok mentally due to all meditation I practice and books I read, my body hurts. Really hurts. And this is what I wanted to know from other people's experiences. I've been trying to learn what the heck is this I'm feeling, but had no success. So here goes: I feel extreme sensitivity around my skin, especially around feet and legs, sometimes around my arms and hands too. Even the sensation of clothing and the couch on my skin is driving me mad. Alongside this sensitivy in the skin, I feel some sort of painful discomfort inside, like on my muscles, or tissues, I dont know, it's so hard to explain, I've felt this before, but since I quit vyvanse it's so uncomfortable and at times painful that I can barely touch my feet in the floor as it sends shivers through my legs and feels very unpleasant. By the way, yes, I'm quitting cold Turkey, as I was already in a low dose and I was so disgusted and ashamed of being dependant on that crap. If anyone could help me figure out what this could be, or share if you have experienced the same it would be really helpful. I have been reading a lot of stuff online, and despite identifying a bit with neuropathy, I don't think it's the case here. Rather than that, I am looking forward to come out the other end in a couple of weeks because right now I'm so useless that even my cats are disappointed on me... at least I'm getting my sense of humour and personality back.
  5. Hello, So after sleeping the past week away, (I was trying to go cold turkey) my refill was today. How does everyone else feel around day 6-7? Should I keep sweating it out? Or use my script for step down method? Please tell me what others have experienced around this time, and what to expect next. I feel like I cant even take a shower without one. Advice please?
  6. Hello everyone. I'm kinda new here. I've posted a little bit. Tried to taper down....gave loved ones control of my meds but ended up biting their heads off till they gave it back, lol. My Psychiatrist told me not to stop cold turkey because there's a danger of rebound depression/anxiety down the road. Problem is I've moved so he can't really help me taper down. I've talked to 5 health care professionals in the past month to see if someone could help me taper off my adderall... I'm either told to just stop on my own it's no big deal or that I need a specialist's help. *sigh* So I'm stopping cold turkey. I have about a week & a half supply left. For those who quit cold turkey, did you notice depression and anxiety? Did it start as soon as you quit and persist for months or did it start a few months down the road? I'm very worried about this because in the past I stopped taking Adderall, Klonopin and Lexapro all at once and had horrible depression and anxiety. I have problems with it anyway but this was bad. And I'm kinda scared.
  7. Man I can't believe how much better my life is just 2 weeks out. THE SECRET: What you fill the void with!!! And accepting that what you believed before (I can't do it without adderall) was a LIE! This website has made it possible. I believed that I could not do my art, begin a drawing, spend the time I needed to, without adderall, but I was only getting to my work once a month if that, and was doing all nighters (at 21 that might have worked, but at 35 NO!) that destroyed me for days AND made me enter a cycle of ramping up dosage without instruction from my MD to keep my edge at the "real job." Since quitting I have drawn 5 portraits and started 4 new projects. My ability to connect with people is 200% improved. My happiness is through the roof. A huge "filler" for me has been marathon training, which I was already about halfway through - I was not seeing the physical benefits I think because my balance of life was completely off! Now, getting more rest, eating well but not overeating, I am seeing the benefits - muscle, trimming down, and feeling AWESOME. I mean it. AWESOME. I would highly recommend the "Couch to 5K" program for anyone considering running. Ever since I did it 2 years ago I have fallen in love with running. For the ADHD person, running is perfect and you really work things out while getting out of the cage and into the beautiful world around us. I have deeply enjoyed the articles and continue to learn so much. I could really go on forever. ALSO - Evernote. GREAT service for us organization-challenged people! THANK YOU TO THE PERSON WHO WROTE AN ARTICLE SUGGESTING "THE ARTIST'S WAY!!!!!" My creativity is TOTALLY un-blocked and going crazy. I know this post seems manic. I'm not bipolar. But I feel like someone who has just ended a 7 year relationship with someone who beat him/her every day. Thank you Quitting Adderall!!! You guys are fantastic!!!!! You can see my art here if you are interested, and I have attached a drawing I did post-adderall of Joshua Chamberlain, the great Civil War Hero:
  8. Hi everyone, Thank you for all the input provided in this forum. I’ve been on a very high dose for 7 years (90 MG/day or regular Adderall AND 90 MG/day on Adderall XR). I went to my physician and told him I wanted to titrate down off Adderall, and I gave him my suggestion of going from 6 30MG tabs/caps per day to 6 20 MG tabs/caps per day, and then to 6 10MG tabs/caps per day. He didn’t agree with my schedule and instead told me he would cut me from 180MG per day to 60MG per day of just the XR. That just didn’t feel right to me, and so I “made a decision†to stop using Adderall on December 30th, 2012. I read articles from both camps (cold turkey and step-down titration). I decided that I would rather suffer with withdrawal symptoms for 3-5 days than to have symptoms to a lesser degree for perhaps a few months. So far so good; some anxiety and restlessness. I believe for me that cold turkey is the best way to break free from this medication. If you all have any feedback for my situation, I’m certainly open to hearing it. Thanks very much & Happy New Year!! Steve.