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Found 14 results

  1. I don't even know where to start. I could write books and even that wouldn't be enough. I'll try to keep this short& simple (which we all know is hard to do when you're on adderall). I'm 24 years old and have been addicted to adderall for 7 years now. I've lost myself and have turned into a miserable person in the process. I thought that I had reached rock bottom... and then 5 months ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. You would think that this would be enough of a wake up call& that I'd quit. NOPE. I'm getting strong chemotherapy right now (one that is known for having a damaging effect on the heart, I may add) and I'm STILL abusing adderall. What the fuck is wrong with me?? The worst part of it all? Nobody in my life has any clue about my addiction and extent of my abuse. People think I'm this hard working young woman who respects herself and body. Everyone is treating me so kindly and expressing their concern, since I'm "battling cancer and on the toughest journey of my life, and feel/look like shit from chemo, etc.." ....but in reality, I have been struggling with something far worse for the past seven years without any support. This cancer is a piece of fucking cake compared to my psychologically twisted dependence on these pills.. which is fucking ridiculous. Obviously, I need to quit for good ASAP. My life depends on it. Wish me luck.
  2. Only Two Pills Left

    I am not able to see my physician until June. My toes, hands, (occasionally) crotch have been having the cold sweats. Is it my body telling me to stop? I look inside my medication bottle everyday and see the amount decreasing. Little orange pills leaving. I've decrease my dosage over the past months from 30mg to 15mg a day. Now I should be doing 10mg a day because I look inside my pill bottle and there are only two pills left.
  3. Sigh…. I'm feeling frustrated, tired, lazy, semi-depressed. I'm come so far, I mean 3 1/2 years!! I am proud of of that. When I was coming off of adderall, I went through serious withdrawals that f#*%n sucked so badly. Days/months I wouldn't even get out of bed. When looking back I realize just how far I have come, there are now days where I am very productive, and so full of life. I have to really push myself to do anything. There also are still days I don't want to do anything at all. I've spent the last three days not doing anything just moping around the house. I've been drinking a lot and eating like shit. I have more emotion that I can deal with. No adderall to numb this emotion, so I've been numbing through food and alcohol. I feel everything and at times it can be really tough. I probably have low energy because of how I am treating my body but just can't seem to pull myself out of it. No energy to work out, no energy to eat healthy. When I don't drink I tend to have a lot of anxiety. I've gained a lot of weight (30lbs) that also frustrates me so much, and is a source of my depression and loss of confidence. Makes me spend a lot of time alone, because i don't have the confidence to date. I am missing my zest for life- spent the last couple days researching different medications- Provigil, wellbutrin. Provigil sounds too good to be true and I'm worried it will be the same is adderall, I don't want to relapse and I refuse to. Thinking maybe wellbutrin will help. There is no way I will go back to adderall but I am seriously down right now and am worried about the thinking pattern that I am caught up in. Planning to talk to my therapist this week to see what she thinks. Is there anyone else feeling the same way? Or have been here and pulled themselves through? If so how… Although I rarely post this site has been a huge help for my recovery since day one. You guys get it. You are the only ones that get it. Please help.
  4. My Life is Shit, I am shit

    My life has turned into shit. I've been prescribed adderall since I was 18, i have been binge using it for 10 years now. I never even needed it for add or anything really, definitely never took it as prescribed. I just abuse it. I pop all 90 within a week and a half, rarely sleeping and then i crash for 3 or 4 days, am zombie for a week until I buy more from hookups and count days until next prescription. I am an alcoholic drinking at very least a pint of vodka or 12 beers a day. I work from home, my business is going to shit. I crashed my car and got second dui. I just finished probation for that still don't have license or car or sobriety My girlfriend of 4 years broke up just broke up with me and kicked me out; i had to move back in with parents. She said my problems are not her problems and she doesnt want me in life anymore. My girlfriend before her died of overdose. I really loved them both. Now I just sit here and sulk alone and not nearly fucked up enough. I have no friends left, not that i mind because i hate everyone and everything. I dont know how to have good time and am always miserable. I take handfuls of addies and am very productive until i get all sketchy and twitchy and depressed. I see a counselor a few times a month. I guess it keeps me from killing self. I am so bored and broke and pathetic. I destroy everything good around me and don't appreciate any of what i have when i have it. "I am like King Midas in Reverse - everything i touch turns to shit" I am overprivileged piece of greedy shit i think i am too stuck in ways to change #fuckmylife
  5. Hi - I had successfully quit a three-year prescription use of Adderall for severe fatigue, ADD, and depression a couple of summers ago and here I am again. I have suffered from severe bipolar II depression for many years now. I also suffer from chronic pain and fatigue, along with ADD. I was put on Adderall around 2010 and never made the connection that my depression was getting so much worse due to it. I almost had ECT and the doctor told me to get off my meds and see how I felt. Well, I got myself off of Adderall. I was on about 40 mg ER a day. Then I got myself off of Cymbalta. Then I got myself off of my cannabis habit, which I was going on and off with for years. I was feeling pretty good after a while apart from stress in my life of moving around trying to find the right place to live. I have been partially disabled from my conditions since about 2001 after a bad car accident. So I've had special needs and in trying to think of my future after getting priced out of Denver and listening to my mother try and dictate my life and dangle a carrot in front of my face of a house some day if I can find a place affordable enough. So I settled on some hip little town in NC., having never spent any time there really and knowing no one. Compared to where I was, it was a little cheaper - though not for long.... I should have known better that it would not be sunny enough for me, regardless of what everyone else kept telling me about it. I also have severe SAD. This place rains a lot and by about October, I started to feel slightly depressed. By Decmeber, I was extremely depressed and had no energy whatsoever. There are not many medications I can take due to the bipolar. I still had some Adderall around (just in case my fatigue got really bad, I thought I'd use it if I needed to push through something and I did on occasion). This winter, I ended up taking a bit here and there and found it helped a lot. I got in to see a psychiatrist and she gave me an Rx for immediate release Adderall, Wellbutrin, and Lamictal. Wellbutrin is supposed to help with SAD but due to my bipolar disorder, I was unable to take a therapuetic dose. At first I only took 10 mg of Adderall a day and then slowly graduated up to 20 mg. and sometimes a bit more. This was in January when I started. Now it is June and I realized that my depression has turned right back into the awful "Adderall has turned against me" sense of hollowness, I want to kill myself, I don't care about anything despair - and with that dull depression headache. I have to say it did help me get things done during the winter. All I did was socialize a little and work as much as I could on my home business so I could afford to move out of here at the end of my lease this August. Now I need to get off of it again before I kill myself. I was hoping I would enjoy this place for the summer before I moved, but now it looks like I will be spending it mostly alone again, working my way through withdrwal, and all with the added stress of having to move again - back to Colorado, though to a different area I liked in Southern Colorado - with plenty more sun. I am hoping the low dose of Wellbutrin will ease this and then I can work my way off of that. I will take my B-Complex, L-Tyrosine, and NAC, which I took last time. Also something to suppor the adrenals. I also borrowed a friend's alpha-stim for an hour and it helped so much that I found a way to buy one for around $415.00. I get it this Monday and I am sure that will make this less painful this time. I also realize I've been having heightened anxiety since starting Adderall as well. I wonder it if has not been the cause of a lot of dark and scary thoughts. I have been off of cannabis for about 15 months and then I had a slip recently because I was so depressed and wound up and nothing else was working. I was sure I was going to end up in the hospital that day so I thought, Why not? Well, I felt even more dull the next day and decided to go back to no cannabis again. In fact, I realize now that I was using more cannabis on my last go-around with Adderall because it was the only thing that got me out of that sou-sinkling motivationless pit I was always in. My year-long battle with severe depression and trying to find the best place for me as I get older has put me through absolute hell, especially the past few years. I know once I recover from the Adderall withdrawal, I will feel more positive and ready to go forward again. I kept wondering why I wasn't feeling better with so much more sun lately and then I realized the Adderall had finally turned on me. I know the exact quality of feeling from last time. It definitely takes away enthusiasm and caring about things after a while. I just can't get motivated or excited about anything. When I got through the withdrawal last time, I defintely felt more motivated and alive again. I know it is possible to get through it. I don't think it took as long as I thought it would either. So here I go again. Just wanted to share. At the time it seemed like a good idea....out of desperation with severe SAD symptoms. It helped for a while at least and now it's time to go through this again. At least I know what to expect. Cat
  6. Hey Everyone, I just want to tell my story and I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks... Basically, I have built a fraudulent life based on my use of adderall. I used it to get through college, but the real thing is that I used it to create a booming business. I won't get into all the mundane details of my story but basically I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 3rd grade so I know that I have some kind of attention disorder... But I hated taking the ritalin and so I got through high school by the skin of my teeth without any medication... I am a fun loving goofball of a person and I always HATED homework, studying, anything tedious etc... Anyways.... after years of recreational drug use... opiates, marijuana, alcohol, benzos, (of which i became addicted to opiates) I started taking adderall while I was recovering from opiates One night while high on adderall I downloaded an illegal version of photoshop and started playing with it for the first time. I became somewhat obsessed with photoshop and graphic design, so I decided to buy a camera so that I could edit my own pictures. I would take suboxone and adderall and the crash of adderall never really bothered me... I was going a mile a minute... creating elaborate photographs and digital imagery... I started posting my work online and immediate got a job doing photography, people wanted to buy my photographs and I thought hey! I could finally have my own business, be my own boss and make great money doing what "i love"... It was a dream come true... Over the next 3 years, I continued to use adderall with and without a perscription... taking whatever dose I felt like at the time and what the job called for... I learned how to make websites, do accounting, marketing, sales, and branched out my business to also do films and video editing... I decided to specialize in Weddings... because "thats where the money is" ... my business grow quickly and I began working for myself full time... eventually buying a brand new car and saving more money than I had ever in my life... I knew somewhere in my head that this adderall was unsustainable... and I told myself that one day I will be able to stop taking the adderall and the business will run smoothly... I would do things I enjoyed without adderall like meeting with clients, shooting the photos at the weddings, talking on the phone etc... but when it came to sitting at the computer to edit thousands of pictures and put together elaborate wedding films I knew I had to take that ADDERALL to get the job done right and quickly. I would binge on adderall and stay up all night and into the next day and then when the crash came calling I would do anything to take it away... alcohol, weed, xanax (which caused me to do a lot of dumb things) .... I would feel terrible for a week or so after my binge... but then when the time came it was back to the adderall to get the work done... Fast forward to January 2014 I was at the top of my game (or so I thought) ... I had booked 50 weddings for the year and I was on vacation in colorado, then in February there was a wedding in Key West, FL ... During this time I was extremely happy ... almost too happy... I felt more confident than I had ever in my life, I met and had sex, relationships with more women in 6 months than I had in 2 years... However, I would drink alcohol with or without adderall and would become obnoxious, I would binge on adderall, smoke weed and I scared away basically every woman I had met during that period. I knew something had to change, I couldn't live this reckless lifestyle and become the man I always wanted to become (I am 28 years old, still living at home with my dad, I don't pay rent, no girlfriend) I thought that maybe it is time for me to grow up and stop the adderall This was right at the beginning of my wedding season. I knew it would be hard to continue my success without the adderall but I was not prepared for what has come to fruition. depression, anxiety, uncertainty, low self esteem, obsessive thinking ... Maybe I really can't do this without adderall? Maybe I need adderall to function? I got through this summer without adderall except maybe once... it was truly a miserable experience... I don't know if even like the career or business I chose. I hate sitting at a desk, I hate editing videos, I hate being in an isolating job all by myself... I have way to much free time to lay around and do nothing... I believe that I never would have started this business without adderall I am now at the point where I don't know wether or not I want to continue to run this business, I care about the money but I don't want to live life as an adderall zombie... I have been extremely anxious and depressed about my life situation... I have tried to take adderall at lower doses, but I just feel so miserable when it wears off that I just can't bear to be on it... but then after a few days I say I need to take it to get my work done or i'm going to be a nobody in life. I truly don't know what to believe anymore, I see some people take adderall and have no issues... I wish I could live a full life without adderall but I feel deep inside that I will never be as successful and that I will regret quitting my career and business. I have had periods where I can't even get out of bed to shower, never mind go to work everyday. I have become so accustomed to making large amounts of money for minimal work and using drugs to achieve everything that I don't know how to function normally anymore. I may have to start my life over from scratch If you made it this far I sincerely thank you for listening to my story. -Mike
  7. I've been on Adderall since I was 21, and I'm 33 now. It undoubtedly changed my life for the better and fixed pretty much every work-related problem I had, as well as helping with my chronic fatigue (I have fibromyalgia) and depression. I've always been genius-level smart, but it wasn't until my last two years of college that the fact that I could only spend 20 minutes writing a paper before getting bored and distracted caught up to me. The medication also helped my confidence — I was SO insecure — and anxiety. On Adderall I was finally able to stop using obsessive meal planning and caffeine-guzzling to keep me regimented. I was prescribed 60 mg of Adderall back then, and now have tapered down to around 20-30mg/day. I would feel insane taking 60 mg again. Now I'm the CEO of my own business (an online magazine, events and merchandise for a niche female community), very well-respected in my field, and have a community and workplace that relies on me — this is one of many reasons I've been hesitant to drop the drug, I'm afraid of what a change in work habits could do to my company. But I feel like an imposter. People are always wondering why I am shy to take credit for the company I've built — it's 'cause I feel like I cheated, and was only able to work those 14-hour days to begin with because of drugs. I don't even know if ADD actually exists. But it's really screwing with my health! My resting heart rate is usually around 100 BPM, my blood pressure is high, my teeth seem to be dissolving and drifting away from each other and I'm always grinding my teeth. I'm aging much quicker than I'd hoped. I'm dehydrated and constantly guzzling water. I can't even go on long hikes or play team sports, my heart races, I'm thirsty and light-headed. I feel physically disabled as a result of this mental drug. My company is run remotely with a bunch of people working from home, but whenever we are in the same place, I notice that I feel wired and unable to communicate as effectively as my co-workers, like I genuinely feel like I am on speed whenever social and work collide. I've been very unhealthy in the past. I've always exercised, though lately I've been scared to push myself because of my heart rate, but exercise has been my saving grace to not totally lose control of my body. But there were periods of time where I was taking 80 mg of adderall, taking ambien every night, doing other drugs, drinking and smoking pot every night, eating like shit, sleeping 5-6 hours a night. Now I eat very healthy, quit ambien cold turkey three years ago, I smoke pot medicinally for my chronic pain and insomnia at night, I sleep 8-9 hours, rarely drink, and still exercise regularly. (I still take 40 mg of elavil every night for fibro, as I've been doing for 14 years.) But those negative health effects haven't changed despite other positive lifestyle changes. I want to get married soon and have a baby, and I know I have to be off adderall before I can get pregnant. Last night my partner told me that she's not ready to start making wedding plans or anything until I get off Adderall, because it is negatively impacting my health and isn't what she wants around her children. I think her impression of the drug isn't entirely fair (based on her own family's experience with it), but maybe this is the push I need to finally drop it. I am terrified, but I'm also excited to be healthy again. I don't know where to start — I'm not very well insured, so I don't have a therapist or access to counseling or other things I could take to ease the withdrawal, but I know I'm going to need a lot of support to quit without it messing up my work life or destroying my relationship. How did you do it? Where did you start? Did you manage to do it without taking another medication to help? (I used to take Wellbutrin, and am open to that, but not permanently or during pregnancy) Any experience with dealing with depression or chronic fatigue as well? Any natural or homeopathic solutions? Thank you for any advice or hope you could give me!
  8. Note: Mostly writing this if anyone has a similar experience. I know my is unique. I don't think many people get enophthalmia (extreme sunken eyes) from adderall. If you have, let me know by responding on this form considering it ruined my face, I would at least like an answer to wtf I did wrong. M/27/14 Term: 2 years, ~5 days a week sometimes 6 days a week Dosage: 20 mg IR Diagnosed: ADHD Possible Side Effects Experienced During and After: Autoimmune Disease resembling lupus/SLE, enophthalmia , Depression, Anxiety. Other diagnosis possibly unrelated: Kyphosis, Lordosis, Long Thoracic Nerve Palsy, Degenerative Disc Disease throughout Thoracic Spine Reason for quitting: Depression, Anxiety, refusing to up dosage, dependency. Medications Prior to Adderall: Bupropion (3 weeks, quit due decreased cognitive function a.k.a feeling like being on NyQuil) Concerta (3 days) My story starts like anyone else introduction to adderall at a later age. A friend gave me one of his 20 mg pill I took it to help with my studying because throughout my life I always had a problem with motivation and concentration. Now looking back on it, I was probably depressed, been depressed for a while after I dropped out of college at 21. At 25, I was clinging on to the hopes of just finishing classes without any sense of direction. After I took this single pill, I felt as though it opened up a whole new world for me. My perception of everything changed. I felt like a normal person, I could study, I could write, I have discipline, and I am finally happy! I can laugh again, it felt good to be a human being. It felt like I have been in the dark all this time but as soon as I took adderall I felt the warmth of the sun, energizing me, giving me hope for my own purpose once again. My anxiety just disappeared, my thought process quickened, and the euphoria was pretty awesome. I could actually start conversations and actually be charismatic! Holy shit! I never once in my life had that ability. I had no idea medications did this. It improved every aspect of my personality and mind without side effects?! (well, there as the crash, but to be expected form a stimulant. Caffeine has the same thing) After this, I thought getting a prescription would be good. I knew when I went on a mission to get prescribed, I didn't have ADHD, I might have ADD/ sleep apenia/some other disorder, but I felt it would be easy just to waltz on in and say I have adhd. Less expensive too I was 25 at the time without health insurance or much money. They asked me some questions and bam! got some... Concerta? Err... okay. Tried Concerta like lack luster results, I had energy and focus, but it was very erratic and unrefined. It felt like I was tweaking and it increased my anxiety 10X. I hated it. It felt like an introverted adderall, it helped some areas, but made others way worse. I couldn't afford to be like that. I waited 3 days, went back, got adderall. Easy peisy lemon squeezy. Within a year, I got a new job, moved out into my own apt, was doing good in school again. Shit, every time I look back, I wish I just stopped after the first year, but how did I know that it would lead into such a disaster. Second year, was losing it's effect. I got caught up in the cycle of being slightly depressed, but I didn't think it was the adderall. It happened after quitting smoking, so this has got be just a side effect. Kept blaming other things, vitamin deficiency, not enough sleep, diet. Yet, it just kept getting worse and worse. I started not even bothering to leave the house on the weekend unless it was worth it. Anxiety raised again during this time, it contributed to me not going out to socialize anymore. After a while, I started getting health problems, my eyes were sinking into the back of my head. My left shoulder was slumping forward more than my right. My friends and family said I looked sick and different (accused me of doing drugs). I withdrew from society even more and isolated myself. After that, I quit adderall hoping things would return to normal. 3 months later, now depression and anxiety are a constant thing now, I have trouble sleeping, trouble with classes, I thought of quitting my job more than once, doctor has diagnosed me with Lupis, long thoracic nerve palsy, degenerative disk disease and god knows what else. My facial structure has changed, I look like I aged 20 years in 6 months time. People say I look 35 years +. I look like a rat now. My eyes are permanently sunken in and it makes me feel embarrassed to look people in the eyes. Lets just say I no longer get complimented on my looks. Whenever I look in the mirror I don't see the same person either. Things haven't changed much since I started. You still reach a dead-end, at least I am in a better situation financially, but not by much with all the medical bills though. I sometimes wonder if Adderall expressed whatever disease/gene I was suffering from early, I seriously doubt it caused it, but probably triggered the gene expression sooner. I also think this is another reason why long term adderall users cannot last. After overclocking the system for so long, something just goes wrong. Adderall is the trigger, but your body would have expressed it sooner or later. Shit sucks. But I now have my mind back. I feel calmer and like I am whole again. I no longer question my decisions. I have less anxiety than before and my depression has dulled. It's still there, but now I know for sure Adderall made it worse. I am still isolated from society and I am not sure what to do. I think I might just join the military truth be told. Navy sounds good, Air Force would have been better (too late about to turn 28). With School debts, medical bills, shitty economy, I have nothing to lose, all my friends are abandoned me and my family has done the same. My motivation is crumbled yet again and I stand here wondering... wondering... being 27, the prime of my life, what is it that I should do?. After having the sense of drive so long, you kinda miss it. For now, I will take comfort in being sober again standing on my own two feet without any crutch, I may not walk any better, but at least I know I can try to run without having to carry it all the way through life. Such is life and so it goes...
  9. Im sure more than half the people on here visit this section, read about ur area, think about joining a support group, but wont actually plan to meet up with other adderallics. LETS BE HONEST!! IF YOU ARE AN6THING LIKE ME, AND IM ASSUMING MOST PEOPLE ON HERE, DURING UR RECOVERY (especially when ur at a very low point) YOU DONT WANT TO GO OUT AT ALL! Sure, maybe in the very beginning i think we all experience that sort of what i call, adderall word vomit where u want to do nothing accept talk about adderall nonstop and how ur quitting and thats how we all end up here, because we find others that want to talk about it too... But how many of us actually have successfully gone to meetup with soneone or have even gone to some type of support meeting at all?? If u have how was it? Please share... If u havent, im just here to say im willing to put forth the effort and actually go to something like this or go out of my way to make time to meet with people every once in a while even if it involves traveling if a group of people would like to get together. One huge thing ive been noticing is not just lack of ambition, its the consequences of that lack of ambition during recovery. Over the years addicted to adderall, ive lost many friends and missed out on many social events since i had become such a hone body always working on "projects". The depression while quitting is harsh,and not having friends during it really makes it worse. I know i always feel too embarrassed to even go out, im at a 3 month really hard time, and i cant even function well enough to shower daily.. But who better to understand than people on this site? I feel like im kinda askin for a far stretch here, let me know if anyone has any opinions on this! I am located in illinois, if anyone in illinois or close by is intetested let me know! But really this could be for anybody!
  10. This is a question for anyone that was abusing adderall with a history of depression, but found something that filled the void after coming clean. Was there something specific that changed in your life or that you did to change your life to keep you HAPPY {for the most part} and off adderall? PS this goes for whether you were or were not a.d.d. Im finding it hard to be sober and honest with myself and say I would NEVER do that stuff again even though I rationally know it's stupid. I admire the shit out of people that stay clean. Im just wondering if there was some awesome thing that took it's place for lack of a better expression.
  11. I was doing well and not taking any pills for a little under a month and 2 weeks ago I started up again when i got into a severe depression. I took between 40mg-75 mg for about 10 days including today at 75mg. I cut myself off from my doctor so he wasn't an enabler. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm quite honestly scared of the depression. I can live without all of it's so called benefits but I'm really scared about being at the lowest of the low emotionally. I have had some significant things happen in the past few weeks that really brought me down and I took the adderall to make those feelings go away for x amount of hours. I didn't miss any sleep at night, but nevertheless i abused again. I know this is a dead end or at least an OBVIOUS bad thing for me to be on. I am literally using it as an anti-depressant and since my tolerance is high, this can't continue. I don't want to get high, but I don't want to get low. Im venting here because you are experienced and genuine people. Please help me get back on and stay on the right road. I honestly don't know what else to say.
  12. I am 38/male and from the USA.. I started this over a year ago and the doctor has me legitimately on 50MG a day. I didn't realize how addicting it is and I didn't realize that I was driven at times to the manic side since I am also on Prozac 80MG a day and Neurontin. Last month, I refilled an extra prescription that I had because the doctor wrote me one ahead of time because I was about to be discharged because I wasn't seeing a therapist. Got the second one filled at a pharmacy that I never got any medication from and paid cash.. Over the past six weeks or so I have taken anywhere from 60MG - 100MG a day. I pop 2 20MG when I get out of bed and take with Monster Energy. I had a friend get some more from me from a hookup. I have been using them as a crutch to get thru bad situations just pop the pills like a candy. I never feel that Euphoric effect I once had and I really need to charge the SSRI because I flip out at the tiniest problem.. All these medications have done more harm than good. I have NO job and I have a BA degree & MS degree in fields that are in demand and after over two years of interviewing, temp jobs that just 'ended' with a phone call for a vague reason and no full time job I have no motivation. I own a business absentee but that is a whole other story.. I am trying to taper down slowly. Is insomnia & trouble sleeping common side effect. I cannot get more than a few hours of sleep and some times I am constantly starving. I workout doing high intensity boxing conditioning at least 5 days a week so I am still (thank god) within normal range for weight.
  13. New here.. This is my story

    Hey everybody, I recently came across this site and what I've read on it has hit so dead on that I've decided to create an account in order to tell my story and hopefully find some support.. this seems like a really cool community and I'm going to spill everything, both good and bad. I rarely post on forums but I've had a real journey (read: nightmare) with Adderall and other stimulants over the years and my story needs to be told. I'm currently a 26 year old male living in Atlanta but I've been taking Adderall (and its cousins: Vyvanse, Concerta, etc) since I was 18. It all started back in high school.. I had been bullied pretty relentlessly since the age of 15 for coming out as gay (which was not very highly regarded in the affluent republican Atlanta suburb I grew up in) and was starting to have serious trouble focusing in class (as well as the beginning signs of depression/anxiety). I got a tutor and tried everything, but finally by the age of 18 I was diagnosed as ADHD right before my freshman year of college. I wanted to kick ass in college and excel in my business degree, so I decided I'd try this Adderall drug that all my friends were talking about. It started off great.. I had a 3.8 GPA freshman year of college and was on the Dean's List.. this was the first time in my life that I had acheived high grades (while still maintaining a social life mind you.. I pledged a fraternity etc.. but that's a whole 'nother story). But after the first year or so I started noticing some real changes in my personality. I had always had a slight speech disfluency growing up but not many people noticed it.. but I'd notice that whenever I took adderall my stutter would get much more pronounced (this has evolved over the years up to now where my stutter is pretty debilitating and I'm going to seek speech therapy.. it is so very embaressing when I'm on a date or a job interview and I can't get the word out.. people think I'm nervous when it's really just some kind of neurological damage that I partially attribute to adderall abuse). Anyways, back to freshman year.. I would be so euphoric in the mornings when I took my Adderall (thinking I could conquer the world, etc) and by the evening I was in a really deep dark depression and very irritable.. as well as socially anxious (which I never really had a big problem with in the past). I also was in a very unhealthy long distance relationship which only added to my issues. Fast forward a year and I ended up transferring to a new college in a different state (various reasons, partially due to that abusive long distance relationship) and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This school was an even bigger party school with an even bigger trend towards Adderall (and other designer drugs.. Cocaine, etc). I was depressed over my recent breakup and continued taking the Adderall while binge drinking heavily as well (clearly not the best choice, I know) to try and self medicate. It got so bad that I had to get on an Antidepressant because I was having suicidal thoughts (I write more about my SSRI usage below). One thing that was different about this school was the demographic of kids - many of them were spoiled rotten and cocaine was around just about every corner. I had always looked heavily down on that drug (and still do after my terrible experience with it). One fateful night I was really stupid (read: depressed) and decided I would try the drug, which felt surprisingly similar to Adderall's euphoric rush. In this way I believe that Adderall was a gateway to my cocaine addiction that lasted a year or two. I am proud to say that I have not touched that awful drug in a very long time and do not miss it one bit, it was surprisingly much easier for me to quit than Adderall has been. I never had to see treatment for it and I never crave it or want it when I see it around me anymore. I could go on much longer about my college experiences with Adderall but I'll leave it short since this is getting lengthy. I ended up graduating with a respectable 3.2 GPA (although not the 3.8 I started with at my first school) and decided to move home. When I moved back to Atlanta to pursue my career as a young business professional, I was excited for a fresh start. I liked the attention that I got as a young guy living in the actual city (as opposed to the suburbs) in the gay community and no longer had to fear homophobia around every corner. When it came to my professional life however, I found that I was already having trouble focusing at my new job, and slipped back into taking Adderall. You know how this story goes, it was basically a repeat of my college days and turned into another nightmare. It made me so anxious that I burned several bridges socially in the city and became depressed all over again. I have been back in ATL for 3 years now and finally I have hit a breaking point. I am 26 years old and I have tried almost every antidepressant on the market (Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin, you name it I've tried it) which started back in college and none of them could pull me out of the depression (probably because I was still taking them alongside Adderall). I have decided that I am DONE with this awful drug that has ruined so many years of my life. It has only been 72 hours since I have taken my last 20mg dose, but I broke it down to 10mg the day after and now I'm at 0mg. I know that's not a long time, but I feel different than I've ever felt about quitting this time - I am dedicated to it no matter what (partially thanks to finding this great site). I am going to overcome this and find the happy me that used to exist.. the one that my friends and family growing up miss seeing. I am not currently on an Antidepressant (although I do have low dose Klonopin incase the withdrawal anxiety gets bad) but I have been considering getting back on one to ease the process.. I've been pretty darkly depressed the past day or so and my job is not really in the best place either. Thank you for creating this great support system where I can post about my story. It's not been an easy path for me and I know it hasn't for alot of you either. -J
  14. I remember years ago in my 20's (when I was abusing alcohol) seeing an advertisement which said: "I drink because I hate myself." That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks because it was so true and is still true now with my new addiction to Adderall. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would get caught on this roller coaster again. I managed to get through my 30's and most of my 40's drug and alcohol free and never imagined I would be so stupid to go down this road again. I am trying to decide if i should do something drastic like quit my part time job which pays very well or fully retire and stop all these stupid drugs and be free once and for all. I have anxiety and social phobia and take meds for those conditions along with Adderall just to get through the day and then crash after work. Right now I would rather have less money than to keep on hating myself more each day. I've tried easing myself off the anxiety drugs and adderall but felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. Needless to say, dealing with a lot of people at work was very difficult. This site is very inspirational - just reading all the success stories gives me hope. I'm not looking forward to the deep depression, crying jags and weight gain, but I think if I don't have to deal with coworkers or the public it might be easier to take my time to heal emotionally and physically. Has anyone here taken a long break from life to heal from this terrible drug?