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Showing results for tags 'desperate'.
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Every time I think I am making progress I just fall right back into this pit of despair. I'm sick of this depression and I can't help but wonder sometimes if I fucked my brain up for good. I feel so alone and it really is all my fault because I chose to spend years isolating myself on this horrible fucking drug. I had a great life at one point and i threw it all away, and for what?! For the sake of productivity and my ego? What's worse is I had a great boyfriend who only wanted to help me and I wouldn't even admit that I had a problem because I could not let go of this FALSE image I had built with adderall. I would literally give ANYTHING to go back in time and change the path I took. It took months for the fog to clear after stopping but now having to see just how far down the rabbit hole that shit took me is almost more than I can bare. 9 months in, beautiful weather on a Saturday afternoon and I just want to go back to bed. FML
I know my story is going to sound so familiar but I want to tell it anyway for several reasons: 1) I've never told my story before 2) I'm hoping to get connected 3) I don't even recognize myself anymore 4) I'm willing to try anything at this point I started taking Adderall my senior year of undergrad. Yes it was a miracle. I aced my final exams, all while balancing 2 jobs. After graduation, I got an internship and starting taking 5mg 5 days a week. After about 6 months, I started taking 10mg 5 days a week. That was when I noticed that I would sometimes have difficulty forming words. I wondered if it was in my head or if people could tell that I felt a little "stuck" somtimes. Then I started grad school where I began to take 30mg to cram for tests. This was when I noticed more severe side effects. Some days I would feel so depressed, it was scary. I would feel completely hopeless about life and not one thing/person/thought could change it. Also, I started to regret ever having taken Adderall, and I wondered if I would ever be able to quit. I told myself that I'd keep using it until I landed a good job, but then I'd quit. Ok, so it's been almost 2 years since I finished school and landed a good job. I take 20mg every morning now which helps me get out of bed and get ready for work. Sometimes I take another 20mg around lunchtime. I am a workaholic. The side effects at this point are much worse. I have hypertension (high blood pressure). Which is crazy because I had very low blood pressure my entire life. The other side effect is not enjoying my life. I noticed that I have a hard time finding the humor in things and I am very anti-social. I don't have any friends anymore. I recently had surgery to remove my tonsils. I took 2 weeks off from work and I didn't take Adderall the entire time. It was wonderful. I laughed about every little thing, all day long. I was happy. I was much more affectionate with my boyfriend. Our relationship blossomed. I started thinking maybe I could quit for good. But last Monday was my first day back at work after 2 weeks of recovering from surgery, and I panicked and took Adderall. I'm scared I won't be able to do my job if I don't take it. The thought of going to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week without taking it is absolutely terrifiying to me. I've been back to 20mg 5 days a week for about a week and a half. I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like a had the perfect opportunity to quit and I wasted it. Writing my story here is my cry for help. I can't do this alone. I want to quit so bad but I can't do it alone.