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Hey everyone, thought I'd share my own story of struggling with dexedrine addiction over the past year or two. At the time of writing, I've been clean for about 2-3 weeks and am finally regaining some sense of control over my mind/ life. Running/ exercise and music have really helped in that regard. For reference, I'm a 21-year-old male from Europe, currently one year away from graduating university (I go to school in the U.S.) The Good I was first introduced to the drug by my best friend about 1.5 years ago- at that time, my own experience with drugs really only consisted of weed (was a massive stoner at the time) and a few occasional encounters with cocaine and shrooms. My friend had been diagnosed with ADHD from a very early age and had access to a very generous Dexedrine script. As we needed to cram through a relatively important assignment by EOD, he enthusiastically suggested I take some Dex- and as this was an important course, I said fuck it and accepted his offer. It was around 1 pm at the time, he gave me a 15mg XR and two 5mg IR pills, which I took all at once, not expecting much. About 45mins to an hour I really felt it kick in- the only way I could describe it at the time was that it felt like cocaine, but much more controlled and relaxed. I spent the next 9-10 hours demolishing the assignment, before moving onto other schoolwork- I probably completed about a week's worth of work in one sitting. Music sounded unbelievable, my Juul was hitting me on a different level, and I couldn’t stop talking. Although I didn't get a moments sleep and was later introduced to the hell that is as an amphetamine come down, I was fucking sold. For the remainder of the term, I would study with my friend every chance I could, largely to get my hands on more of those magic orange pills, which he was only too happy to provide. My grades shot up, I achieved nothing but As and Bs that term, ending the year with my highest average throughout my time at university. I used the stuff wisely too- when I had no schoolwork left, I applied to internships and jobs like never before, managing to secure a dream position at an investment bank that summer. By the time the exams ended and the term came to a close, I felt unbelievably grateful to have been introduced to this miracle drug- for once in my life/ university career, everything seemed to be under control and headed in the right direction- good grades, great job lines up for the summer and I had been accepted into the exchange program at my university. The Bad There were a few early signals that these new habits were not as perfect as I perhaps imagined. For instance, at the end of the term I remember feeling sad that my exams were over because it meant no more dex-fueled study sessions- looking back, this should have been a major indicator that I was already becoming addicted/ dependent: what kind of fucking student is sad that final exams are over? (Lol). When I got back home to Europe that summer, those first days without access to dex I found myself in a lifeless, depressed state. Regardless, my new job and a generally fun time seeing old friends and partying got me through that summer. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about my first study sesh once I was back at school and reunited with my mate (we were both going to be spending the term on exchange). Whilst going on exchange during uni is supposed one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences, spent partying and meeting new friends, it wouldn’t be the case for me. I ended up bullshitting my way to getting a prescription practically the first week of school. I justified spending my days locked in my room studying by telling everyone I was taking a difficult courseload, made worse because it was a new/ different uni. The reality is that at this point I was completely hooked on dex- my daily intake typically hovered around the 50-60mg mark. I would pop them as soon I woke up and would spend the day going through my list of tasks like a robot with intermittent Juul breaks, whilst drinking absurd amounts of water due to the dry mouth. At the end of the day, I would deal with the comedown by smoking absurd amounts of weed- not a particularly healthy combination (mentally and physically). Although the point was to ace all my courses, it started having the opposite effect- although I spent all day studying and working my grades suffered more because I was rarely in class, usually skipping because I had been unable to get any sleep the night before. I lost all sense of enjoyment for the things I used to love- I stopped working out and playing sports completely, and I hadn’t come close to having sex all term (for perspective, I’d pulled 5-6 times that summer). Overall, dex addiction totally ruined what should’ve otherwise been a fantastic experience on exchange. The Ugly We now arrive at the present aka this past school term until it was cut short by coronavirus. At this point, my life mostly consisted of binging dexedrine once I picked up my script, pulling 2/3 all-nighters a week and the occasional back-to-back one. Because I was consuming absurd amounts of the stuff, I’d usually finish my monthly supply within 10-15 days, the spending the time until my next refill as a lazy lump, mostly smoking weed and aimlessly picking around on the internet. I looked like shit- my weight fluctuated constantly and many of my friends remarked that I looked “older”, likely due to how little sleep I usually got. My logic or justification was that this was just temporary- a necessary evil to achieve the ultimate goal of graduating uni and moving onto the next stage of my life. When school moved online due to the coronavirus pandemic a few weeks ago, I ended up going back to my parents house back in Europe again where I was able to quickly transfer my American script and get access to the local equivalent. As usual, I wolfed down my script in no time (took only 10 days or so), but at this point my productivity is nowhere near what it once used to be, and my comedowns are causing me more anxiety than ever. The worst effects, however, would come once I ran out- as I had what can only be defined as a psychotic episode. Whilst attempting to sleep after a 2-3 day binge, I felI into a stream of 5-6 bouts of sleep paralysis in the space of an hour, which is terrifying enough to begin with, but each time felt so intense that I seriously thought I was fully awake and having a stroke. I have been able to really recognise the extent of my addiction/ dependency over these past few weeks- mostly bc of the fact that I’m in my parents company (who can clearly see my mood swings/ changes in behaviour) and that there’s really no need at this point (moving online basically ended the school term early and most of the outside world is on hold atm). As I really have no reason to try and get more of the stuff (and definitely wouldn’t be able to somehow justify it to my parents), I decided that enough is enough- a long break is needed.