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Hi, I'm a single mom. I have a great career and, on the outside, look like I have it all together. But, I'm addicted to something new and nobody knows. I've struggled with Percocet addiction for three years. I've been on suboxone three times, this time for 4 months. Never went to rehab or joined any support groups. I did go to a 3 day detox 1.5 yrs ago when I wanted off and didn't know I could get suboxone from a Dr. Those 3 days were hell. My family and best friend knew about that and they all think I've been sober since. But I had fallen off twice and been off and on subs. They have no idea I'm on subs right now. My life is falling apart financially. I make good money. My job performance is struggling and I'm very talented at what I do. Two days ago I was placed on a warning. If I don't improve then I'm fired. I have a company car too so I won't have a vehicle. I was actually doing very well on the suboxone and things had improved for me. Then, 2 months ago I decided to ask my psychiatrist about treating my ADD. She knows I'm on suboxone. But, she prescribed me vyvance. The first couple of day I hated the way I felt. Nervous, pain in my feet, terrible. So, she switched me to adderall. I immediately fell in love. But, after 3 days, I had to take 2 pills to get the same effect. So, my psychiatrist saw me at the 2 week mark and increased my adderall. Same thing for the next 2 weeks and next two weeks. I was ripping through my 30 day scripts in 2 weeks, then getting a new, higher dose filled and the pharmacy had to because it was a different script. Now, I'm at a 30mg xr and one 30mg ir. But, I take double. Some days I even take up to 210 mg. My body just gets used to it so quickly and I can't feel the effects. Well, 3 weeks ago my psychiatrist said okay no more adjusting every 2 weeks, see you in a month. I ran out a week ago. My appt with her is in 5 more days. My sister takes one 20mg xr a day and has for years. Well, she's been on a vacation and I have her keys. She left a bottle of the 20mg capsules in her cabinet. When I first ran out last week I took Bronkaid (contains ephedrine) and caffeine pills for 3 days to stave off full blow withdrawal. Then I realized my sister had those adderall and I could sneak some. At first, I took one. I thought, just one to make me feel better. Bronkaid and caffeine work but it's fucking aweful, jittery, shaking, not pleasant. Well here I am now. Took all of her pills this week, 3-4 a day to function. I saved the capsules and filled them with vitamin c beads. I am a terrible person. I was sobbing last night as I filled up those capsules. I put them back in her cabinet. My sister is my best friend and trusts me. And I'm a monster. She gets back Sunday. My plan is to go back into her house wed after I get my script, while she's at work, and dump the vitamin c, then fill them with the beads of my adderall. I took the last ones this morning knowing my kid is at her dad's this weekend so I can sleep for 2 days. And I'll take Bronkaid/caffeine to get me through work until my Wed appt. I'm about to take a 2 week vacation to back to the Midwest with my daughter. Staying with my grandma so would be perfect time to quit but I'm terrified. I'm so fucking scared. But I hate who I am on the adderall. On one hand I love how much energy it gives me but I have a very short temper. I find myself yelling at my daughter and she doesn't know how to even react because I've never yelled at her. I see her happiness fade from her precious, innocent face when I yell and I then I hate myself. My parents always yelled at me and I promised I wouldn't do that. My daughter doesn't deserve that. She's the most innocent, beautiful, perfect little creation of God and I strive to be the best mommy in the world for her. I want to tell my sister what I did and that I have another addiction and cry in her arms and have her help me find outpatient rehab. I can't do in-patient for a month or I'd lose my job. I am so pissed at myself for thinking I could take another mind altering pill and not get hooked. I barely drink alcohol. Prescription pills are my devil.
I know my story is going to sound so familiar but I want to tell it anyway for several reasons: 1) I've never told my story before 2) I'm hoping to get connected 3) I don't even recognize myself anymore 4) I'm willing to try anything at this point I started taking Adderall my senior year of undergrad. Yes it was a miracle. I aced my final exams, all while balancing 2 jobs. After graduation, I got an internship and starting taking 5mg 5 days a week. After about 6 months, I started taking 10mg 5 days a week. That was when I noticed that I would sometimes have difficulty forming words. I wondered if it was in my head or if people could tell that I felt a little "stuck" somtimes. Then I started grad school where I began to take 30mg to cram for tests. This was when I noticed more severe side effects. Some days I would feel so depressed, it was scary. I would feel completely hopeless about life and not one thing/person/thought could change it. Also, I started to regret ever having taken Adderall, and I wondered if I would ever be able to quit. I told myself that I'd keep using it until I landed a good job, but then I'd quit. Ok, so it's been almost 2 years since I finished school and landed a good job. I take 20mg every morning now which helps me get out of bed and get ready for work. Sometimes I take another 20mg around lunchtime. I am a workaholic. The side effects at this point are much worse. I have hypertension (high blood pressure). Which is crazy because I had very low blood pressure my entire life. The other side effect is not enjoying my life. I noticed that I have a hard time finding the humor in things and I am very anti-social. I don't have any friends anymore. I recently had surgery to remove my tonsils. I took 2 weeks off from work and I didn't take Adderall the entire time. It was wonderful. I laughed about every little thing, all day long. I was happy. I was much more affectionate with my boyfriend. Our relationship blossomed. I started thinking maybe I could quit for good. But last Monday was my first day back at work after 2 weeks of recovering from surgery, and I panicked and took Adderall. I'm scared I won't be able to do my job if I don't take it. The thought of going to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week without taking it is absolutely terrifiying to me. I've been back to 20mg 5 days a week for about a week and a half. I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like a had the perfect opportunity to quit and I wasted it. Writing my story here is my cry for help. I can't do this alone. I want to quit so bad but I can't do it alone.