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I worked in a field that required fast writing on a strict deadline. This had always been challenging but not insurmountable. While on the medication I would sink into a sort of trance. I'd lose track of time in this fog and simple tasks became overwhelming. I would rewrite copy over and over, making insignificant changes and taking forever to complete. I'd re-edit video, fixating on minute details and forgetting the big picture. I would over research every story, reading article after article and then be paralyzed with anxiety to realize I had only minutes to print my work. I told myself I was being a perfectionist and doing a thorough job, but I was really causing stress for my co-workers and ultimately compromising the product for everyone, by missing deadlines and causing chaos by my lateness. I'd vow every morning to be faster, but with the pills, it was more a matter of chemistry than will power. After several warnings I was let go. I made excuses to myself and others but inside I knew the cause of the problem and my responsibility for letting the situation continue. The saddest part is even with this understanding, I continued using. Now I've burned through my unemployment in an endless tunnel of twitter news feeds, podcasts and other internet drifting. No motivation for anything else. I got a lot of reading done and applied for a smattering of jobs over the last 10 months, but in general I'm ashamed because I've never had more free time and accomplished less. Now I've been tapering off and ready to be done forever, but I'm intimidated to start the job quest / return to the world thing without them. The withdrawal funk is intense and I can't let it impede my quest for work. I wasted the luxury of time and savings, so now I'm hoping caffeine and perseverance will get me over the gap. Just found this forum today and it's already been very helpful and encouraging, so thought I'd share. Thanks
So I'm just over a week off adderall and I've been looking for a new job because I don't like the 1) reputation I have at my current job and 2) feel like this is a new phase of my life so it should be starting with a new job. Anyone else had this feeling after quitting and if you followed through, did it work out well? I think I nailed the interview which is really good for me being as I was totally sober during it. But part of me is a little worried I won't be as on point if I decide to take this new job. Thoughts?
I've been taking Adderall for what I think may be 8 or 9 years. Seeing those words there is making my stomach turn... I'll start at the beginning I didn't begin taking this drug when I was in high school or collage (although, I could have really used the help...) I actually began taking this when I became a teacher. I was 2 or 3 years in as a primary (ages 6-8), classroom teacher in an urban area. I was overwhelmed, overworked and lost. At the insistence of my mother who was convinced I had some thyroid issue, I visited the doctor. While I sobbed in the Dr's office about my unwillingness to get out of bed to go to work, she nodded sympathetically and wrote a prescription for an antidepressant. She also referred me to an outpatient psychiatric clinic and so began my rollercoaster ride on a rainbow of pillsâ€¦ I honestly cannot sort out the chronology of medications, just that Adderall was always in there. There was that summer of XRs at a high dose and an antipsychotic to â€œtake the edgeâ€ off. I cried a lot that summer. Then there was XRs in the am and IRs in the pm. For attentionâ€¦ to what? MY PILLOW!? Most recently, itâ€™s IRs, Xanex, and Ambien. Ambien is a bitch, too. So is Xanexâ€¦ However, I canâ€™t say it was all bad. In the beginning, Adderall helped me become a more organized teacher, I was able to get my Masterâ€™s degree and manage a classroom of children who were so lost and in need of someone to be consistent and caring. I was that person, I was also full of energy and â€œfun!â€ Itâ€™s easy to be fun everyday when you are pumped full of amphetamines. Iâ€™d take it before work, on the way to work, at work, at homeâ€¦ To do grading, individualize instruction for struggling students, meet with parents later in the day, plan, organize, whenever I needed more time in the day. Then Iâ€™d be up all night, sobbingâ€¦ You can do some serious psychological damage to yourself at 3 in the morning. Cut to 8 or 9 years later, and here I am. I feel like Iâ€™ve stalled my life. I'm still a teacher, it's a hard job, I'm still overworked, overtired and now I'm less organized. The more productive I am, the more gets thrown at me to do. No one can work like this, and no one should be expected to work like this. And I'm not going to take a pill to make me better at this anymore. It doesn't work. Iâ€™ve managed to get off the antidepressant (that was really tough, my brain felt like it was being electrocuted) and the Ambien (that little bitch,) but the Adderall, come on! And you know you need your Xanex for sleepâ€¦ Iâ€™m 36 years old, married and I want to have a baby. Oh, and it turns out, my mother was right, I do have a thyroid problem. These years slipped by and I have to stop. Iâ€™ve reduced my dosage, only to up it again (cause Iâ€™m always counting the pills and I know I can take more.) I donâ€™t blame anyone else for it. I take responsibility for it all, I lied. A lot. Iâ€™m not proud of that. It has to end now. Time is running out, Iâ€™m not getting any younger. And if I even think that I might have missed my chance to actuallyâ€¦ Just to be super productive, just to take a little blue pillâ€¦ I have to stop. Iâ€™m coming here to be accountable. Iâ€™m coming here because I need a new place to start.