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Hey Everyone, I just want to tell my story and I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks... Basically, I have built a fraudulent life based on my use of adderall. I used it to get through college, but the real thing is that I used it to create a booming business. I won't get into all the mundane details of my story but basically I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 3rd grade so I know that I have some kind of attention disorder... But I hated taking the ritalin and so I got through high school by the skin of my teeth without any medication... I am a fun loving goofball of a person and I always HATED homework, studying, anything tedious etc... Anyways.... after years of recreational drug use... opiates, marijuana, alcohol, benzos, (of which i became addicted to opiates) I started taking adderall while I was recovering from opiates One night while high on adderall I downloaded an illegal version of photoshop and started playing with it for the first time. I became somewhat obsessed with photoshop and graphic design, so I decided to buy a camera so that I could edit my own pictures. I would take suboxone and adderall and the crash of adderall never really bothered me... I was going a mile a minute... creating elaborate photographs and digital imagery... I started posting my work online and immediate got a job doing photography, people wanted to buy my photographs and I thought hey! I could finally have my own business, be my own boss and make great money doing what "i love"... It was a dream come true... Over the next 3 years, I continued to use adderall with and without a perscription... taking whatever dose I felt like at the time and what the job called for... I learned how to make websites, do accounting, marketing, sales, and branched out my business to also do films and video editing... I decided to specialize in Weddings... because "thats where the money is" ... my business grow quickly and I began working for myself full time... eventually buying a brand new car and saving more money than I had ever in my life... I knew somewhere in my head that this adderall was unsustainable... and I told myself that one day I will be able to stop taking the adderall and the business will run smoothly... I would do things I enjoyed without adderall like meeting with clients, shooting the photos at the weddings, talking on the phone etc... but when it came to sitting at the computer to edit thousands of pictures and put together elaborate wedding films I knew I had to take that ADDERALL to get the job done right and quickly. I would binge on adderall and stay up all night and into the next day and then when the crash came calling I would do anything to take it away... alcohol, weed, xanax (which caused me to do a lot of dumb things) .... I would feel terrible for a week or so after my binge... but then when the time came it was back to the adderall to get the work done... Fast forward to January 2014 I was at the top of my game (or so I thought) ... I had booked 50 weddings for the year and I was on vacation in colorado, then in February there was a wedding in Key West, FL ... During this time I was extremely happy ... almost too happy... I felt more confident than I had ever in my life, I met and had sex, relationships with more women in 6 months than I had in 2 years... However, I would drink alcohol with or without adderall and would become obnoxious, I would binge on adderall, smoke weed and I scared away basically every woman I had met during that period. I knew something had to change, I couldn't live this reckless lifestyle and become the man I always wanted to become (I am 28 years old, still living at home with my dad, I don't pay rent, no girlfriend) I thought that maybe it is time for me to grow up and stop the adderall This was right at the beginning of my wedding season. I knew it would be hard to continue my success without the adderall but I was not prepared for what has come to fruition. depression, anxiety, uncertainty, low self esteem, obsessive thinking ... Maybe I really can't do this without adderall? Maybe I need adderall to function? I got through this summer without adderall except maybe once... it was truly a miserable experience... I don't know if even like the career or business I chose. I hate sitting at a desk, I hate editing videos, I hate being in an isolating job all by myself... I have way to much free time to lay around and do nothing... I believe that I never would have started this business without adderall I am now at the point where I don't know wether or not I want to continue to run this business, I care about the money but I don't want to live life as an adderall zombie... I have been extremely anxious and depressed about my life situation... I have tried to take adderall at lower doses, but I just feel so miserable when it wears off that I just can't bear to be on it... but then after a few days I say I need to take it to get my work done or i'm going to be a nobody in life. I truly don't know what to believe anymore, I see some people take adderall and have no issues... I wish I could live a full life without adderall but I feel deep inside that I will never be as successful and that I will regret quitting my career and business. I have had periods where I can't even get out of bed to shower, never mind go to work everyday. I have become so accustomed to making large amounts of money for minimal work and using drugs to achieve everything that I don't know how to function normally anymore. I may have to start my life over from scratch If you made it this far I sincerely thank you for listening to my story. -Mike
And I'm unable to focus on anything that I should be doing. I should be building my business and doing what I always did on Adderall. But what if I chose the wrong field? I'm 5 days clean and I'm just watching the clock go by. I'm self-employed, but I forced myself to go into the office for the first time in a week today. I'm about 6 days clean from Speed and it's to be honest...it's pretty terrible right now. My dopamine and reward pathways are jacked up and it's hard to find happiness, especially when it comes to work. Any advice?