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Found 3 results

  1. How did I get to this point?

    Hey guys...here's my introduction and battle with Adderall for anyone who cares to read. Sorry in advance for the long post. First time I took Adderall was like the other 98% of you all...in college trying to studying for finals haha. I tried it for the first time my junior year during finals week, but didn't like how it made me feel or the appetite suppression. It did make me perform academic tasks with ease...however the cons outweighed the "pros" to me at the time. I was a Top 15 Division 1 athlete then so the heart racing and whole not eating thing would have been detrimental...plus at the time, I didn't think this was a miracle drug or anything that I actually needed in my life. After my senior year I decided I no longer wanted to pursue a Professional career playing my sport (biggest mistake of my life) so I started Grad School shortly after. I had a roommate at the time who took adderall to study so I would take some of his here and there for a big test or a full day of studying. A few months into school I decided to get my own script, which was easily obtained, and there you have it...I had my first Adderall prescription, 20 mg IR. Throughout school, I never took more than 10 mg at a time and no more than 2-3x a week as I was still very physically active and did not feel the need to take it often. I would take frequent breaks or hiatuses...a months prescription would easily last me 2 months. This lasted about 2 years. Fast forward to beginnig of 2015, this is when the potential abuse started to manifest itself. At the time I was not happy where I was at career-wise and felt like I kept fucking things up. This is when I Got my script changed to 30mg IR...and took it almost daily, taking weekend breaks. I was very physically active at this time, and actually in the best shape of my life, working out actually was the only thing that allowed control over my usage. A few months later.... I started my own business and would occasionally take 45-60mg on days that "I had a lot to do". Over halfway into the year, I got an amazing work opportunity and left the country for 60 days. I wanted to focus on my physical fitness on my downtime, so I left the Adderall at home and went 60 days without it no problem. I thought that would be the end of it, I was no longer in school....I didn't really NEED it anymore, right? Wrong...I was so very wrong. I remember the first time I took quadruple my prescribed dose, January 2016. A few days before, I had been informed my Father had been air lifted to the ER because he had been in septic shock and was currently in ICU. I work in Emergency Medicine so I know more than the average individual about how serious his circumstance is. There was a point where his outcome was uncertain. And that's the day I took 120 mg of Adderall, immersed myself into my work, and tried to forget what was actually happening in my world. I felt awful the next day. I didn't sleep at all the night before (a first for me) and for the first time, I felt like a fucking crack head junkie piece of shit. I was sweaty, jittery, anxious, paranoid, and beyond sad at the thought of possibly losing my Father. I was so disgusted with myself and how I felt, I told myself I would never take that high of a dose again. I took a break from the Adderall for a few days, but that was about it. My Father ended up pulling through, and got out of the hospital a few weeks later and is as healthy as can be to this day. A few weeks later, I resumed my daily Adderall intake, but this time with a vengeance. I was trying to start up my own business in my spare time, so I started taking 60-80mg daily. I was no longer physically active at this time, as I wasn't eating or sleeping enough to have the energy for it. Some days I would take upwards of 100mg. It became my norm, and a months prescription would last 10 days at best. When I'd run out, I would crash HARD. Sleeping all day, no energy or motivation to do anything, except eat a LOT of fucking unhealthy food. This lasted probably 7-8 months before I finally broke down and realized I was addicted and was abusing the shit out of this drug. I couldn't believe it...me, ME?! I used to not even give a fuck about Adderall. I've been prescribe for years and always took HALF my prescribed dose for years. This couldn't happen to me, I can't be an addict. I was a collegiate athlete, I was supposed to go to the fucking Pros... I felt god awful....I couldn't get out of bed, I was depressed as hell, I had slowly cut out my family and friends for months, had been a piece of dick shit to my wonderful girlfriend for god knows how long....and was just realizing it. I no longer had hobbies,I just...was. My career took a downward spiral, my once successful startup now was going downhill....what the fuck happened to my life? And here I am today...I've tried to quit twice unsuccessfully. First time lasted a month. The second time lasted 2 months and I was starting to feel great. So I figured I could take it more responsibly this time around. Wrong again. While I don't take any after 3 PM so that I can sleep, and have stuck true to that, I still take around 50-70 mg and my script runs out in 2 weeks. I guess it's a small improvement but not really. I should have never taken it again. I'm still having a very hard time coming to turns with "being an addict"...I haven't admitted it to anyone except my girlfriend and I casually told my best friend that I "abused it once". But that's it. I don't know how to ACTUALLY quit. I feel like I need it, but I know I don't. I just wish I was back to my old self. The me who enjoys working out and cooking and music and going out and having fun. I miss the me who had genuine hobbies and interests, not this Adderall fueled bullshit version of me Anyways, for anyone who actually managed to read my incessantly long rant, I appreciate it and appreciate any words of advice anyone has for me. Thanks.
  2. Hi, I have been lurking around here for a while and truly don't know what I would have done without this resource - it's been a tremendous help to me...so thank you! Just wanted to share my story and hope that it might inspire others in their own journey, but also help me to get my thoughts out on paper as I go through this journey myself. I started taking Adderall in college -- only to get through final exams or pull an occasional all-nighter -- never had a prescription. When I first took it, I thought it was a complete miracle worker, a game changer if you will. My best friend and I wondered how we hadn't heard of this before...Look how much more "efficient" and "smarter" we would be if we took it all the time. Everything seemed fascinating to us - even the most boring of subjects - and there were a lot of them in college, trust me! We were appreciating things and topics we never cared about before...and had this crazy desire to learn about them. I was hooked. After graduating college in 2005 and going out into the "real world," I decided I had to get a prescription so I could truly excel at work. I was brought up in a family that was very driven (mostly my dad), and he was always (and is still) so proud of my accomplishments...always telling me what a hard worker I am and how proud he is of me. I never wanted to disappoint him (and still don't to this day, as I admire him deeply and care for him so very much). Needless to say, getting a script didn't take long and the process was so simple. In the first five years or so, I was able to take the medication as prescribed and didn't feel super dependent on it. Of course, it helped me tremendously in my day job and at home with chores and keeping everything tidy and in order, but I never felt the "urge" that I needed to take more and never ran out before my script could be refilled. At this time, I was managing it just fine in my mind. That all changed a few years ago. I started to become obsessive about it. I would do the same thing every month...Tell myself that I'm going to stick to my prescribed dosage (doctors orders)! Ha...That was so naive looking back. When I got down to a few pills left, I'd become truly obsessive and wonder if my doctor would fill my script a few days early. Sometimes she did, sometimes she didn't. And sometimes pharmacies wouldn't fill it earlier so I'd work to find another that would. It was a truly vicious cycle. In 2012, I met the man of my dreams (sometime after a really bad relationship of 7.5 years that was filled with a lot of verbal abuse from him), so finding the love of my life brought a lot of things into a new light and gave me a new perspective. And of all things, I surely didn't want to hide anything from that person I loved so much, but I also didn't want him to not love me -- or think less of me -- because maybe, just maybe, what if I wasn't the person he thought I was after this awful medication I was taking? I was completely open with him about my "ADD" and he was aware of my prescription (and could tell in a heartbeat whether I had taken it or not). And if I hadn't taken it, it was because I had run out and he'd just shake his head and wonder how I could already be out with a whole week left. And he knew I'd be an entirely different person (unfocused, hard to get out of the bed in the morning, barely able to function, often complained about how tired and unmotivated I was that day and if it was the weekend...oh boy, I struggled to complete the most basic tasks or chores around the house). But when I did take it, I was damn-near superwoman (or so I thought). I'd spend hours organizing the spice cabinet (alphabetical order, of course), cleaning out the closet (honestly, looking back, I never got the MAIN, IMPORTANT things done that needed to be done around the house - the countless loads of laundry, clean bathrooms, the basic household chores that needed to be done, I was so focused on the tiniest things, but in my mind, I was organizing the HELL out of our house). After getting married in July 2016, a beautiful destination wedding where I was at my skinniest -- a sick 89 lbs, and I thought I looked fantastic! (yep, you can thank Adderall, and a dash of obligatory wedding stress for that one -- that comes with the territory, right? But here I was, I thought I was on top of the world. Even though I had many friends and family members telling me I was "too skinny," in my mind, I didn't care. I always struggled in my younger years to attain a perfect weight (in my mind), and in my mind, I HAD. Shortly after we returned from the wedding and back to reality in Texas, I was also starting a new job and couldn't wait to start fresh. Still taking my medication daily, but always feeling like I needed to increase my dosage and never feeling like I was getting the same effect I used to get. I told my doctor and she said I was at the highest dosage possible (20 mg IR, 3x a day) and told me to take breaks on the weekend. BREAKS? But how would I get my household chores done?! "You have to," she said. Well, I didn't listen to her. I had too much on my plate and there wasn't time for any "breaks." However, because I never gave my body a rest and was completely wearing down my body, heart and soul, the after-effects weren't pretty. I was completely on-edge all the time, my husband telling me I always looked so serious and I needed to lighten up (I'd hear this from former colleagues at my old job, too - people saying I always looked SO serious). Even at work - my current job, my work was suffering -- I was too focused concentrating on the small tasks - trying to perfect them and be an utter perfectionist about literally everything to the point where I was missing deadlines and my boss telling me I need to work on my "project management" skills. That was a punch in the gut, and I find myself still trying to bounce back from that criticism. I never considered myself a religious person. My parents raised my sister and I to believe whatever we wanted - never forced religion on us or going to church. However, within the last few months I have completely given my life over to God. I never knew what that meant, never had that desire. Until I finally snapped out of it. And now, it's what I depend on to get me through this, to get me out of bed every morning. I have faith I can get through this - with God, my husband, my dogs (and for right now, endless amounts of coffee). It's funny because yesterday when I was texting my husband at work (the even funnier thing is (*sarcasm*) I'd never do that before - there wasn't time to text during work hours or check my personal phone! I had to WORK every single minute of the day - there wasn't time for occasionally checking my FB or Instagram or texts from friends...or eating lunch)...or so I desperately believed. But when I texted him yesterday some playful texts he said "you are a lot funnier off Adderall btw." That made me heart sink - but also made me smile. I felt like slowly, (and definitely slowly as I'm only on day 9), I'm starting to feel actual feelings again. I want to get home to my husband - not spend hours stuck at the office. I want to finish my work so I can go home and spend time with him, cook dinner, play with my dogs, go for a walk, read a book - which I have found to be extremely helpful so far. Just a quick walk with the dogs to get some fresh air or reading a book to get my mind off things, has truly helped. Since my job requires writing (my absolute passion in life), you can imagine how hard it's been at work. I love what Mike said on this site in a post I read about "half-assing" your way through the workday, just turn in things that you would never turn in on Adderall. Well I've done that, and yesterday, something I submitted that IMO was so shitty, and I told my husband that, but I didn't care, I was gone at 5 p.m. and headed home to take care of myself. And my boss emailed late last night in response to that piece and said "This is great. I made minor edits." Y'all, I was over the moon. Granted, this wasn't my most prized piece, but I felt pretty damn proud of myself. I know I have a long road ahead, but it's stories like yours that keep me going. I wish you all the best in your road to recovery...and finding your true self. It's not easy, but then again, if it was easy everyone would be doing it, right? Well wishes to all! - Somewhere down in Texas -
  3. I have been on Adderall off and on for roughly 8 years or so...before Addrerall, I was self medicating with caffeine and diet pills...I believe that if I am not a "true" ADDer with some mild autistic-spectrum traits, then I must have brain damage or something..Extreme difficulty with work...house chores...organization...Whole life......Anywhoo..I think my decision to take Adderall was one made out of desperation and there was an edge of self destructiveness to it...I was past the point where I gave a damn about the long term ramifications of it...After years of excessive caffeine use and toil and struggle, I convinced myself that this was the way to go...so I took the plunge and now it is several years later. I don't take a very high dosage...I take the minimum amount that I need each day to be functional..but I supplement w caffeine again to compensate...I take supplements to help with my dopamine levels..L-tyrosine and l-theanine, when I have not run out of it....I take omega supplements...i monitor my blood pressure, which ran a bit high before I ever took adderall...In the state that I am currently in, I struggle with all the things I had trouble with before I ever started taking the stuff. .and also have to deal with this addictive chemical...the fear of withdrawal...the need to be somehow "functional"...the Desire to be much more functional than I am..Which I fear is impossible..My brain is a messed up clunky machine and I barely slide by as a passable human being...I would like to believe that there might be some kind of hope for improvement...without my having to be on this stuff for the rest of my life...I am interested in tapering off of it..rather than cold turkey..as it stands, I usually stretch my one month prescription to last as long as 21/2 or 3 months...so maybe I am not beyond hope.. I hate dealing w the constant fatigue..and the feeling of being a constant slave to impulses...I live in a very unstructured environment,,,and I try to fight against it but entropy is a difficult force to do battle with, and I don't have many people on my side,...