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Greetings Everyone, First, here's a brief introduction. I've been familiar with this site for at least a year by now, but today I'm proud to say I finally decided to open an account!* (I'll be posting my story after I complete and post this entry.) I've wanted to be a regular participant on this site because of the hope you all inspire each time I recognize a piece of myself in your stories. This is something I could never get out of 12-step recovery, despite the last seven years I've spent attending AA meetings pretending to believe in God so as not to draw attention. You know how they love to say an addiction is an addiction all the time, right? Well, when I discovered QuittingAdderall.com and read your stories and insights for the first time, I immediately took comfort in knowing that there was a community of people out there who understood how our addiction to Adderall is unique after all. Not necessarily more or less challenging to overcome than an addiction to alcohol or heroin, for example. Simply a different condition that requires different approaches to combat. When I used other substances like booze or weed or Xanax and even heroin for a time, the reason was to resign from life. Plain and simple. "I don't want to try anymore," my mind would tell me. "What's the point? Leave me alone." Adderall, on the other hand, has the opposite effect on me. I take it to engage in life. Sober, the world is a woefully dreary place. Everything lacks flavor, color, and texture. I have no perceptible purpose. In fact, I can barely remember what it even felt like to harbor interests and pursue goals before Adderall. It doesn't even seem possible to summon real, organic enthusiasm for anything. I'm also not the natural extrovert I've spent my whole life wanting to be---the kind of person who's effortlessly motivated to meet new people and try new things and spend time in new places. Once Adderall came into my life, however, my inhibitions were at long last lifted. Suddenly I felt overcome with excitement. People were finally noticing me, it seemed. I felt spontaneously compelled to read and write for recreation. I no longer dreaded the company of others. Since then, I never needed to learn how to socialize or develop interests on my own because I had found the magical elixir that did those things for me. (An honest marketing campaign might read something like "Personality In a Pill.") And yet the world still mistakenly believes Adderall is dangerous exclusively because of its prevalence on college campuses and in academic circles. Yes, it elevates focus. But that's not why I'm addicted. I don't have ADHD. There's nothing medicinal about the way I use it in a clinical sense. I take it because I know of no other way to be the lively, interesting, charismatic person it brings out in me. In Mike's description of "The Challenge," he says the goal is to wake up feeling like Superman without Adderall, but I worry that ship has sailed for me. Once Adderall is subtracted from my life, I have no clue who I am anymore. Even worse, I lack the motivation and courage to bother figuring out who that person once was to begin with. What if he's just the shy, anxious recluse he's always hated? Why is the undrugged version of me such a bore? Again, my compulsion to use stimulants stems from a desire to actively participate in life, not to submit to its hardships and wait out the clock. I'd go back to drinking and popping Oxy if that were the case. And even though I'm aware that the perceived personality Adderall gives me is largely an illusion, I've yet to find a satisfying alternative. It's all I've got for now. Why can't I simply get out of bed each morning, clean and sober, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work (I don't have a job), talk to people without succumbing to a panic attack, work out, come home, go to sleep, and do it all over again? Why isn't that good enough for me? It appears to be good enough for most, right? Did Adderall ruin me? Did it break me for good? Because that's how it feels. Adderall the Study Medicine? For many, yes. But not as it concerns my addiction. In my case, I rely on it to rewrite the parts of myself that demand correction. Without my Personality Candy, however, I'm lost. The motivation to create and succeed? The bravery it takes to connect with people? The confidence I need to carry a career? How am I simply supposed to learn these skills after roughly a decade operating under its influence? Please, fellow speed heads, surely you must empathize with my alarm. How did you address your obsession with Adderall? Does it get easier? Are there techniques? Are there groups (specifically in NYC)? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. You people are my best shot. Best, WiredTired Unhired.
BigBeezy posted a topic in Tell your storyHey all, This is my first post here. I want to tell the story of my life over the last 6 years, how my life is now, and where I want to take it from this point. I have changed as a person since that first orange pill and I do not like what I have become. I hope I can find support here in order to get my old self back... the funny, caring, sociable, witty, kind, and sensitive person I used to be. Here it goes: I started taking Adderall IR back in my sophmore year of college because I was having trouble with my courses. I am a bright person and was in gifted classes as a child. I was simply not able to stay interested in my homework and studying long enough to get it done. I saw a psych and got a script for 20mg, once daily. Over the first 6mo of taking it only for school and study, my grades went from B-/C to A's. I was so pleased with this change and felt great about making the choice to take Adderall. Because I was now so successful in school, I began to feel confident in my everyday life, while not on the medication. I met a wonderful girl and we began a relationship. We moved in together after 6mo, and since January of this year, we have been engaged to marry in March 2015. I made her aware of my Adderall prescription early on, and she had no opinions about it so all was good. Over the first 6 months of taking Adderall for school, I would have extra pills left over and occasionally gave them to friends I would study with, etc. At about that time, I began to need more of the meds to get the task done and would start running out before next months refill. My doctor agreed to double my script to 60 tablets of 20mg. I was back in control now with the additional supply. I gave the extras to my study buddies, and even shared them with my girlfriend for her to study on. A year into my prescription, I started to take the medication for non school things like cleaning the house, getting things done at work, staying up late drinking with my friends(since alcohol makes me tired). Once in a while turned into a few days a week very quickly. I was getting spoiled by the superhuman ability to get things done while on adderall. I found myself taking 40,60,sometimes 90mg a day when i used. At this point it was not an everyday thing and i did not "crave" the drug, I just would take when I needed to get something completed. My sleep began to suffer, so my doc wrote me a script for Klonopin to help me sleep. I wasn't suffering from any side effects at this time. I strategically planned out the timing of my meals, etc so that I wouldn't lose weight. Looking back, I think this would be the time where I was beginning to plan my days and weeks around Adderall. in 2009, I graduated from College with a BS in Finance with Personal Investments focus. I now had no homework and thought about stopping my script. I did not stop it however, because I had been giving them to my girlfriend/fiance for a while for her studies and I wanted her to succeed like I had. I started taking the adderall when she did and would surf the net or clean the house, etc. I got hired by a big name investments firm 3mo after graduating and relied on my Adderall to get me thru the several licensing exams i had to complete. Every thing was fine during 2010, I was working and the GF and I would take Adderall. We never took it to the point where I would run out of pills early, but it was close. I would often have to ration them out. During 2011, our tolerances had grown and 60 20mg's per month were no longer adequate. My doc would not increase my dose. We would start taking a larger dose at one sitting, but compensated by not taking it as many days of the week. I found that I was starting to get lazy on non Adderall days... low motivation, very unfocused, sometimes a but crabby. I would save up things to do and knock them out over an 8 hour 90mg Adderall session. The same applied for my girlfriend, who had progressed to using not just for school. By the end of 2011, we found that Adderall was dictating our lives to a noticeable extent. We would buy some off friends when we ran out. This made me uncomfortable but I justified it with some sort of Adderall induced made up excuse or rationale. Over the next year, we continued to build tolerance and by 2012, I could handle 120mg a day and her 60-90. When I took Adderall during work, I turned into a supermachine. I was a top performer in my firm and was getting recognized and promoted. I would go to my interviews on Adderall which, looking back, prob got me the promotions. The success was not really me though, it was the Adderall. My boss's expectations of me were based on the levels of work I did on Adderall so I began to feel like a fraud. I would run out of my meds a week or more early, and had to buy from others to keep up the work performance. If I couldn't get some for a period of time, I would tell my boss I wasn't feeling well, blame things like bad luck, or simply call out sick. I was losing my motivation without adderall. After doing this routine for a year, I began to notice a lot of changes in my personality that had surfaced over the past few years. I was now anti-social....which was not how I was before Adderall. I had low interest in hanging with friends/family and would make up excuses as to why I didn't want to see them. I was taking so much adderall(120-140mg daily) that i was often fatigued. The day after a long adderall binge, I did not want to do anything or see anyone. My brain felt like mush and I physically felt like crap in general. I went out of my way to drink ensure shakes and eat healthy to help offset this. My sense of humor had all but vanished while on or off adderall. I stopped doing previously enjoyable activities like watching movies or listening to music, etc because those things weren't Adderall mindset tasks that I could satisfy myself by completing. Over the past 6 months, things have gotten to their lowest point. I am on written warning for work absence. I will take adderall too late in the day or too much and not be able to work the next day. Or I will be out of Adderall and not want to go to work because a workday without it sucks. This is hurting my performance on the job and I have not had a promotion in the past year. My life revolves around the drug, or the lack of it. When I get my monthly refill, my fiance and I go thru all 60 pills in about a week and then spend A LOT of money on Adderall from others to barely get us to next month. We often fall several days short and during that gap, our house turns into a mess, nothing productive gets done, and I find my ADD gets out of control. I will have a constant feeling of frustration because I don't have any Adderall and my extreme ADD behaviors often piss off my fiance. My fiance feels the same way and we fight more because we are grouchy over no adderall supply. We are not as close as we used to be because our common interest is adderall, which makes us self absorbed when we dose. So in effect, the Adderall is making us more distant. I have lost many of my friends because they got tired of being shot down when they invite me to do things. Here are the awful personality changes I have caused myself. I feel this way on and off adderall, with my longest off period being about 6 days..... I am unable to feel many emotions anymore. I feel like a shell of a person and most of my interactions with others seem like I'm just running thru the motions and feel fake. Everything in life has become task oriented and very serious. I look at everything thru a lens of what needs to be done and what is the fastest & most efficient way to do it. I have blinders on and miss the details of everyday life. I neglect my dogs sometimes because Im so self centered now. My memory sucks now and I often cannot remember important things that people tell me. I have these tics that I picked up from Adderall use. I hate the tics and others are annoyed by them as well. I have developed a panic disorder. I never had panic attacks until about a year ago. They are horrible and I thought I was having a heart attack the first time it happened, My fiance called 911, and I went to hospital in the ambulance, and spent 3 days there. They did every possible test related to my brain and cardio system and luckily found out that I am completely healthy. I was surprised that after this much Adderall abuse, my heart was in perfect shape. My Fiance hasn't abused as much or as long so she is prob fine, although her personality has changed like mine has. Also, we found ourselves not getting many important tasks accomplished on Adderall. I will get a wild hair and work on some pointless project for 5 straight hours which will end up being a total waste. The task was just something to stay busy with. I think that we are hooked on this medication because life feels boring without it and the tasks we do on the drug satisfy some awful adderall developed need/desire. We have essentially forgotten how to live our lives. I feel like I have to take the drug to do anything....... including social events, work, chores, even days alone at home. I hate the drug but I keep taking it. My fiance and I decided a couple weeks ago that we wanted to stop using Adderall. We made it 6 days before giving in to the temptation. I dug out my script from the kitchen drawer and had it filled. We proceeded to go thru all the pills in 5 days. That's 240mg per day between the two of us. I usually take 25% more than her, and I actually took about 180mg yesterday! Of course today I feel like complete shit because I went full throttle for the past 5 days, but also becaue I disappointed I failed my plan to stop. I have no more pills left, but I have several easy connections. I deleted their numbers and asked them not to sell me any if I ask, but I had done that before and it didn't work. If I want to get Adderall, I will make it happen. I am worried that I wont be able to stop before things get even worse. I am also concerned that my emotions are going to be stuck in a vacant state forever. I want my old self back. I want to laugh, love, and live. I want to be normal again. Today is day one of another attempt at quitting, and I worry it could become another fail. Please share any thoughts, ideas, words of encouragement, etc with me. I really want this.