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Writing this because I often feel like I'm making zero progress as I haven't given up my ADD meds entirely, but looking back from my original post I am realizing there's a lot of little changes and little wins that are important to realize. Also the work starts far before that last "day 1". So... Hey Self - Things I want to remind you of when you feel like you're making no progress... 1. AWARENESS - I have become way more aware of my "triggers" - the environments, time of day, certain tasks/responsibilities, situations where I feel I need to be 100% on, emotions and wanting to avoid / escape them. 2. URGE SURFING - I used to give in immediately to a strong urge. Now when an urge hits I have more capacity to sit with my discomfort and observe it. The time I am able to wait between an urge and fulfilling that urge has become longer and longer. And sometimes even long enough to avoid it completely. The craving does eventually pass if I wait it out long enough - and the pride and satisfaction I have each time I escape using it at all is a pretty amazing feeling and should be celebrated. I am trying to remember this when the cravings hit. 3. THINGS THAT FEEL IMPOSSIBLE TO DO UNMEDICATED ARE POSSIBLE - and won't feel torturous and impossible forever if I do it enough times unmedicated. I have learned how to do the hardest thing - going to work unmedicated. At first it felt like I was drowning and that everything was mentally grueling and zapped my brain of all energy. But after several medication breaks and stints of sobriety I am realizing I can do everything at my job without medicine, and it does get easier and less mentally exhausting the more I practice doing these things without a little pill. 4. I HAVE GOTTEN BETTER AT THE SHAME CYCLE ( still working on it though) - I originally thought that I could beat myself into submission - that if I punished myself enough for falling off track then I would do better. But it's just the opposite. The more I hate on myself for slipping up the more I use to try to escape that feeling. The more forgiveness I give myself when I've messed up, the quicker I move on and get back on track. This mean little voice is still there in my head sometimes and it still comes up but I am getting better at identifying it and replacing it with love. 5. JUST. KEEP. GOING. / SCREW PERFECTION This thing takes time. I can not rush it. Being a perfectionist only leads me to an "all or nothing mentality" and I'm learning to embrace slow patient growth. I have gotten up time and time again when I felt like giving up. THIS WORK is just as important (and necessary) as quitting for good is. Curious to know if anyone else notices these "small changes" adding up too?
So I just sent an email to my psych to tell her that I am discontinuing adderall. I've tried to ask to stop in the past but when I am in the room with her I just tense up and accept an up in dose or whatever she wants to try. I didn't get into specifics or the extent to my use but I am hoping this is going to be the end of this hell that taking adderall for the last couple years has sent me to.I wouldn't get to see her for a few months in person so the most immediate way to do this just seemed to be by email which is better because I actually don't think I could have said it to her face. Every time I'd use all my supply I would count the days until I could order another refill even if I was happier being off the adderall which is the most defeating part of all this. I am hoping that since my psych is aware that I am going to stop she will either make it impossible to submit a refill request or she'd simply decline it if I broke down and tried to get another refill later this month. I've taken my month's supply in 3-4 days and I am just about out of pills and I know when I am off adderall I will try to convince myself that I can control myself the next refill. I'll probably tell myself lies about why it's helpful and just ignore the negative side of this drug. Anyways, I don't have anyone who I can talk to especially about this subject, so that's why I'm even posting this. Hoping for the best from this moment forward
(since this is an update, here is my first post on this forum for anyone who cares: http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/1401-i-cant-believe-im-posting-this) Hey guys, dunno if anyone cares (thought this might be helpful) but here's an update so far: I'm still following my cutting down schedule, and so far I've gone down from 60 mg to 50 mg a day (almost to 45). When I type the numbers, it seems like I've lessened only a minuscule amount, but I definitely feel the difference already. It's kind of surprising, actually. First off, yeah, the appetite thing is noticeable, but a few weeks ago I suddenly had this urge to start drawing and painting again. I used to be really good but after I went down the whole adderall thing, I never ever worked on my art again. I wasn't even good anymore, and I had no desire to do it because I didn't even feel creativity to create the motivation. So yeah, for the last few weeks I have been doing nothing but working on my art again and I'm so surprised at the insane shift getting off adderall is doing... I honestly didn't even connect why I made the jump back into the creativity until maybe a week ago, but it all makes sense. The hardest part is the weird withdrawal feeling. It's so difficult to describe. It's like I feel restless for no reason. Like I want to break out and do something, but I rationally know there's nothing to do. It's just this strange "trapped" or uncomfortable restlessness that is tough to deal with. But I'm writing and drawing for the first time in maybe 4-5 years or something. And I actually finish what I start too. I'm glad I have this to fall back on, because it's definitely helping the process for me. I even notice myself laughing more and being less robotic/super focused, hahaha. I am feeling less motivated to do the daily stuff and sleepier, but I was expecting all that to begin with. Anyway, hope this helps someone (I was debating on whether or not this would be interesting to even write, but who knows). I'm glad I randomly came across this site because I know in the long run I will feel better. Thanks guys