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Found 8 results

  1. Quitting before a deadline

    I so desperately want to quit. Last summer while doing master's thesis research I overdosed and went to the ER. Now I live in Europe and I was easily able to get a Ritalin prescription (since Adderall is illegal here.) Every day I work like a maniac until 2-3pm (taking more than prescribed), then lay in bed shivering and anxious for the rest of the day, afraid to leave my apartment and be seen with such a red face and enlarged pupils, sometimes worrying if I've overdosed. I only have the rest of this prescription, since I told my psych I'm getting married in three months and we'll try to get pregnant. Also, the drugs make me feel less connected to my fiancee and harm my relationships. Can anyone give me advice for finishing my master's thesis in the next week without the Ritalin? I had written so much, but my advisor keeps telling me more changes to make and additions. I've started telling myself that this lonely, anxiety-ridden lifestyle is just a sacrifice necessary for my degree. That's crazy. There has to be another way; this is no way for human beings to live. So, I'd really appreciate any advice from those of you who have managed to meet a deadline and still quit. Thanks so much.
  2. Please Help... :(

    Hi, It's been 2 months since I quit, and it's not getting better. I've never been skinny without Adderall. It's the only thing that's ever been able to take my mind off of being obsessed with food. And that in itself was the biggest fucking relief. Especially because for what I want to do (music and acting), I HAVE to be skinny. There's a problem though - I'm a little addicted to Adderall. I didn't take more than I was prescribed, ever. Just 20mg a day. But that was enough to get me soaring high. I've wasted a lot of time on it, doing things I thought were important, that really weren't. I've isolated myself, and not cared about having friends or living life because of it. Just being skinny. And I took it on the weekends, even when I wasn't doing school, because I didn't wanna be hungry. So I decided to go off it, and see what happened. Now, I'm on the other end of the spectrum. The good news is my personality is better, I like to talk to people, and I'm nicer. The bad news is the weight is piling on, I can't stop eating, and all I wanna do is lay around and watch TV all day. Some days I gets bursts of motivation and go workout and eat healthy and do my online college. But most days I fail. I haven't gotten the motivation to write songs again. I didn't use to be this way before I ever took Adderall. Did Adderall mess up my brain for good? Do I have permanent ADD/Depression now? I don't know what to do. If I could be motivated and eat healthy and workout without it, I'd be better off without it overall. But that isn't what's happening. And I sleep 10 hours a night now - I never used to do that. Why is my brain not going back to normal?? I'm struggling, wanting to go back on it so I can be skinny again. I can't do what I love (music and acting) if I'm fat. I just can't. But I also don't wanna isolate myself from the world again. I don't know what the answer is. There are no Adderall support groups I can go to (not that I've been able to find). If anyone help give me some advice, it would be greatly appreciated. I know if I go back to a psychiatrist, they will tell me I NEED Adderall, just to make their money.....and that's not what I want. I want someone to tell me the truth. I've been signed to a major record deal before. I've got lots of followers online. I've got millions of views. I live in LA. I have the writing abilities. i have what it takes, to make things start happening for me again, I know I do. But I'm not moving forward. I've been at a standstill the past few years. Everyone gave up on me, and someone told me about Adderall, and it's been keeping me sane these past few years, and motivated to get my career back on track, but....despite the motivation, I haven't moved forward. I don't know if it's Adderall, or what it is that is standing in my way, but all I want is to do the thing that's gonna make me the most successful. Whatever that is - that's the thing I want to do. Whether it be sober, or on pills. So if anyone has any advice or opinions - please let me know. I'll be forever grateful! Sincerely, A v confused girl in need of some help.
  3. I was diagnosed with depression long before I started Adderall. After trying several types of antidepressants my doctor told me about using Adderall with an antidepressant. He told me the only other option for me was "shock therapy" (no thank you) So I started taking Adderall 10 years ago but after two years I found it wasn't working at the prescribed dose, so I increased it myself. Starting the nightmare cycle of addiction. I'm afraid to stay on it and afraid stop it. I know most everyone goes through depression initially. But I don't know if I can deal with it if it is permanent. Can anyone relate to this? Words of advise? Thank you
  4. I've been on Adderall since I was 21, and I'm 33 now. It undoubtedly changed my life for the better and fixed pretty much every work-related problem I had, as well as helping with my chronic fatigue (I have fibromyalgia) and depression. I've always been genius-level smart, but it wasn't until my last two years of college that the fact that I could only spend 20 minutes writing a paper before getting bored and distracted caught up to me. The medication also helped my confidence — I was SO insecure — and anxiety. On Adderall I was finally able to stop using obsessive meal planning and caffeine-guzzling to keep me regimented. I was prescribed 60 mg of Adderall back then, and now have tapered down to around 20-30mg/day. I would feel insane taking 60 mg again. Now I'm the CEO of my own business (an online magazine, events and merchandise for a niche female community), very well-respected in my field, and have a community and workplace that relies on me — this is one of many reasons I've been hesitant to drop the drug, I'm afraid of what a change in work habits could do to my company. But I feel like an imposter. People are always wondering why I am shy to take credit for the company I've built — it's 'cause I feel like I cheated, and was only able to work those 14-hour days to begin with because of drugs. I don't even know if ADD actually exists. But it's really screwing with my health! My resting heart rate is usually around 100 BPM, my blood pressure is high, my teeth seem to be dissolving and drifting away from each other and I'm always grinding my teeth. I'm aging much quicker than I'd hoped. I'm dehydrated and constantly guzzling water. I can't even go on long hikes or play team sports, my heart races, I'm thirsty and light-headed. I feel physically disabled as a result of this mental drug. My company is run remotely with a bunch of people working from home, but whenever we are in the same place, I notice that I feel wired and unable to communicate as effectively as my co-workers, like I genuinely feel like I am on speed whenever social and work collide. I've been very unhealthy in the past. I've always exercised, though lately I've been scared to push myself because of my heart rate, but exercise has been my saving grace to not totally lose control of my body. But there were periods of time where I was taking 80 mg of adderall, taking ambien every night, doing other drugs, drinking and smoking pot every night, eating like shit, sleeping 5-6 hours a night. Now I eat very healthy, quit ambien cold turkey three years ago, I smoke pot medicinally for my chronic pain and insomnia at night, I sleep 8-9 hours, rarely drink, and still exercise regularly. (I still take 40 mg of elavil every night for fibro, as I've been doing for 14 years.) But those negative health effects haven't changed despite other positive lifestyle changes. I want to get married soon and have a baby, and I know I have to be off adderall before I can get pregnant. Last night my partner told me that she's not ready to start making wedding plans or anything until I get off Adderall, because it is negatively impacting my health and isn't what she wants around her children. I think her impression of the drug isn't entirely fair (based on her own family's experience with it), but maybe this is the push I need to finally drop it. I am terrified, but I'm also excited to be healthy again. I don't know where to start — I'm not very well insured, so I don't have a therapist or access to counseling or other things I could take to ease the withdrawal, but I know I'm going to need a lot of support to quit without it messing up my work life or destroying my relationship. How did you do it? Where did you start? Did you manage to do it without taking another medication to help? (I used to take Wellbutrin, and am open to that, but not permanently or during pregnancy) Any experience with dealing with depression or chronic fatigue as well? Any natural or homeopathic solutions? Thank you for any advice or hope you could give me!
  5. I'm a 26 yr. old female, college student, veteran, and wife, and I seem like I have my sh** together from the outside, but I don't. On the inside I am starting to lose my mind, b/c I am either on adderall or I'm compulsively obsessing over my next refill. I know I cannot hide it much longer b/c I know I am either going to end up in the ER or dead. So today, I somehow mustered the determination needed to flush the remaining pills of my latest precious refill, down the toilet, 10 pills. 10 pills ! That is all that was left of a 60 pill script that i got just 5 days ago. Over this 5 day binge, my 130pound body has ingested b/w 180mg-220mg per 24.hr period. It's unbelievable, I can see my body reacting to the massive amounts of poison being ingested, and yet, I reach for more and more and cannot stop until the bottle is empty or until my body crashes for a few hours of sleep. During this binge, as in all the rest I've had since smoothly talking my way into an getting a script from an urgent care doc 6 months ago, I have entered my own private hell. How I have not died yet is a miracle, but this what I experienced: (Days 1-4 of binge) side effects that I can normally ignore because I am still focused and euphoric: lack of sleep, chest tightness, constant chills, random numbness in my arms and hands, skin turning pale and dry with goosebumps being raised all the time, swollen ankles, upper abdominal & lower back pain and swelling (which I'm sure is my kidneys and liver starting to shut down), extreme anxiety, eye twitching, back muscles become tight and painful, clenched jaws, fingers locking up and cracking while I obsessively sit at my laptop for 12, 18, 20 hours at a time ,& paranoid thoughts. (Day 5 of binge)Eventually I looked up from my computer and noticed I had been editing the same (already completed by the way) resume for the past 7 hours, without even looking up. My husband had went to sleep and already woke up for the day all while I sat there obsessively working away. After taking another pill, bringing my 24 hr total up to220mg, I started experiencing the symptoms that scared me enough to flush all the pills. I couldn't sit still, couldn't stop coughing, I experienced several panic attacks (which I have learned to handle but are still horrifying none the less), my ears were constantly ringing, my stomach, area over kidneys, and upper abdomen became hugely swollen and way more painful, my skin was pink and red all over, I had the most disgusting taste in my mouth, random twitches all over, and could not formulate complete thoughts. I struggled to even string together a basic sentence. I left the house because I thought If i just got away from the computer I could relax, so I walked across the street toTarget to buy some shoes. I thought I was going to pass out as I walked through the store, and kept having paranoid thoughts that everyone was staring at me and could see how messed up I was. I obsessively poured over the same rack of shoes until I heard an employee say, "That girl has been standing there for 45 minutes." That could have been a hallucination, but I guess I will never know, seemed real to me. When I got back home, I spent another 6 hours reading adderall horror stories and googling symptoms, convincing myself that I was about to either have a heart attack, since my pulse had become so weak and heart beat was so uneven, or that I was going to go into a coma due to kidney failure or liver failure when I eventually went to sleep. So after going to sleep and miraculously waking up today, I'm exhausted, sore, depressed, and my brain feels like mush, but I know I cannot go on living like this. Isolating myself in my room for days on end to compulsively stare at my laptop is not how I want to live. I know the next binge could kill me, because I take higher doses in smaller amounts of time on every binge. I know that it will not be easy but I am gonna give it everything I have to not get a refill when the time comes. I don't want to know the brain damage I have sustained over the past 6 months, but I know that it exists because I feel "blank" alot of the time, and cannot process thoughts like I used to in class or absorb and remember large amounts of information. Any comments or encouragement would be appreciated because I know I'm going to need it.
  6. I'm doing it!

    It has taken me a long time to write about my experience on this forum. I have been a lurker for a while now, but I know I need the support here in order to successfully stay off of adderall. I fear I will end up dead from a heart attack if I don't, or bald from all of the head picking/hair pulling I do when I am on it, or in psychosis. My high blood pressure scares me too, not to mention the amount of alcohol I drink in order to fall asleep at night. The biggest step I needed to make was to let go of my "supplier", who is my psychiatrist. I have gone through withdrawal and completely off of adderall last summer, and it was simply terrible. I had confessed to my husband about my problem, and he helped me through it. You would think that would have been enough to remind me to never go back on adderall again, but within 3 months of being clean, I asked my psychiatrist to put me back on it. I never told my husband, who has made it clear he will not be supportive of me if I take it again. So I have been lying for months now. I feel terrible! I knew from this website I needed to let go of my doctor, but I simply was too scared to loose my ties to adderall. It is that powerful. But I did it! I called my psychiatrist this morning and left a voicemail telling him I was canceling my appointment and all future appointments because I cannot seem to take adderall without abusing it. I told him I needed to be away from the source. This is a crazy big step for me. I feel good about it. I know how much happier I am off of adderall, I have experienced how great life is after you get through the withdrawal period. I know I will feel bad the next week, but I know from previous withdrawals that it I won't be as bad as the first time, when I had been abusing it non-stop for such a long period of time. I kept 2 1/2 pills to make it through those days that I cannot keep my eyes open. I am a stay at home mom to a toddler and there is simply no way I can risk falling asleep with her up. I haven't taken any today, because again I know from my previous withdrawals that the first day is the easiest for me, it is the 2nd, 3rd and 4th that are the hardest. I am not looking forward to it but I know it will be over soon, and I will feel like myself again. I never imagined that a pill like adderall could have such a hold on me. It is absolutely absurd when I think about how easily things get out of control every single time I get my prescription filled! And the fact that I am ever willing to fill the prescription again! I don't think a prescription has lasted an entire month since I first started adderall, which is 5 or 6 years ago ( I had about a year and a half complete break from it when I was pregnant and breastfeeding). This pill was a miracle pill for me at first. I lost a ton of weight, excelled in my new career, and felt my depression lift for the first time in years. My social life and romantic life flourished. But we all know those are the things that make adderall so alluring! But they don't last, you go on a slippery, downhill slide soon after. I probably would have kept going until I hit complete rock bottom if I had not met my husband and decide to have a baby. I gained back a ton of weight during my pregnancy (no surprise there) but now I am still overweight, the heaviest I have ever been. I was only about 20 pounds overweight when I first started adderall, and really have never had any weight issues; I am used to being thin and attractive. This weight gain, which is about 40 pounds overweight and I am short so it looks like 60, is what first made me ask my psychiatrist to put me back on adderall. I also started college again and couldn't imagine being able to be successful without it. I also had a lot of depression again, and adderall along with an anti-depressant seemed to be a perfect mix to the best me I could be. Not this time, however. And I have never been able to lose more than 10 lbs this time around on adderall. All of the wonderful things that used to come with adderall have long come and gone, and now all it provides me with are horrible. It literally is ruining my life. The only good that came is that it helped me get my college degree, but what a price to pay. There is a weight lifted now, knowing I can never manipulate my doctor into giving me adderall again. The temptation will definitely still be there at times, but to a lesser degree. And now I have no way to get it! Thank you for this website. You have no idea how good it felt to know other people have gone through this and have succeeded. I have always felt so ashamed. It isn't a topic I hear about often, so I felt like I was a weak weirdo because I couldn't give up adderall. Knowing I am not alone has made a huge difference. Good luck to everyone on their journey as well.
  7. Day One - where am I?

    January 6, 2014 - 9am Maybe we’re all this way. I want to be better looking. Smart but want to be smarter. Productive but would really like to be moreso. I recently took a new job in a new industry that I was technically unqualified for. Having these very human desires to always want to be better, it was only natural that I would convince my doctor to put me back on Adderall. I got back on, and basically daily, popped a 10mg XR… since nearly six months ago. In that time, a lot of great things have happened. But as an addict, a lot of shitty, rather unseen things, have accompanied this success. Naturally, constantly being on Adderall, my work is well. The issue comes on Saturday and Sunday when I don’t have any work to do, yet if I don’t take the pill, I’m starting at like negative good feeling for the day when I wake up. Regardless of whether or not I drank the night before, but definitely the shitty feeling is amplified by a hangover. So I pop another. And my day generally goes fine. The only problem, which is easy to bury at first because of the nice buzz, is… where am I? I don’t feel natural feelings. I don’t empathize other than logically. My thank yous and sorrys and personal inquiries are planned, not feeling genuine. And at the end of the day, I need a drink or a weed smoke just to kick back and relax. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think this was going to happen. I’ve been on Adderall before… but I so seriously didn’t want to let down my new boss and the friends who referred me to the new job, that I just said “f*** it. this is for the better.†And ultimately, I think that it may have been for the better. I’ve got a lot of people convinced that I am one witty smart mofo. And I may be without the addy too, but at this point I don’t know who that person is, it’s been six months since I’ve been that guy. Anyway. Today is the day I’m getting off the rocket fuel. I just can’t handle putting productivity and hyper focus (not to mention terrible sleep) ahead of regular interactions, genuine feelings, and being a human being. There’s always a reason not to quit. My current reason is that I have a four day long work meeting coming up next week. And I want to go into it doing very well. So I will do my best, and that will have to be good enough. It’s not like they’re going to fire me for doing my best. In the meantime, daily exercise, eating right, and daily meditation are going to have to suffice for the constant adderall then drinks then some weed, then a sleeping pill daily routine that has been making me look and feel haggard. I’ve not hit "rock bottom," I just don’t want to... so "stop digging" I think they say. Dear God, help me be successful in this endeavor. Help me remember there is so much more to life than being high on crack at work. Because that’s basically what it is. Some legal form of crack... at least that's what it feels like to me. Any support from any of you is greatly appreciated during this tough time. I will post daily or close to it about how it's going. Thanks for reading.
  8. Goodbye my love. I'm so happy to have this last dance because I have loved you so... (and now I must let go) Goodbye my old love.