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I am ready to quit. I am excited to quit. I am scared to quit. I feel very alone in this process. I have been prescribed Adderall for two years but have been taking it regularly for almost four. I have been a "functioning" and at times a "non-functioning" drug addict since I was a teenager and I am now 30. The drug has changed but the addiction remains. Looking back, my drug of choice was seemingly dependent on what was socially acceptable at the time. It seems as though each addiction was slowly replaced with another. Perhaps, this way I could convince myself I had been successful. I have slowly recognized and accepted that this has been my reality and I'm sick of it. I have been going to the doctor for well over a year for a myriad of mystery symptoms. Deep down inside I thought it was the Adderall but the addict in me was searching for ANY other reason. ANY other answer than to quit. That is, until the cardiologist asked me to stop taking Adderall. I figured that's what he'd say, most of me even hoped that's what he'd say. After several tests, he told me my heart looked amazingly healthy but it's working overtime (tachycardia) and we would eventually see damage from that. He asked me to call my prescribing doctor and begin to taper off the medication. I felt relieved. I felt terrified. I wanted to smile. I wanted to cry. I thought about the weight that will finally be lifted. I thought about how hard this is going to be. I made an appointment with my prescribing doctor and anxiously waited for 5 days to get this quitting process started. ---- I am studying abroad for 2 weeks in January where I will be required to be very active daily. I considered canceling the trip. I considered quitting after the trip. Ultimately I decided that I do not want this amazing experience to be a part of my 4 year Adderall fog. ---- So, I planned to tell this doctor that I wanted to be off completely in one month at the most. I have three weeks left in my current semester so I kind of have to taper. I understand that 2 weeks off of Adderall -even after a quick taper- that I will still feel like shit but I'd rather be sober. Well... that's how I was feeling before my appointment today. Somehow, I left the doctor's office with a list of other "non-stimulant" drugs I could try, a prescription for way more than I need/want, and an appointment in early January to determine what dosage I will take with me on my trip. And then I start to convince myself that if I'm only taking a little bit while I'm there - it won't be so bad. NO!!! How did this happen?! I was counting on this doctor's appointment to help make me accountable and it's as if the opposite happened! I have been looking around this website since last April and today is the day I finally seek your help. Because if I do not ask for your help today - I am afraid I will fall back into this cycle where I am the only one holding myself accountable. I am too weak. I am an addict. I need help.