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Found 11 results

  1. SMART recovery

    I attended my first SMART recovery meeting tonight. I really enjoyed how conversational it was, and I felt extremely comfortable opening up about where I'm at. It was nice not feeling like I had to keep what I said within a strict belief system. I think I'm going to make it my primary program of recovery, though I'll probably still attend NA since there are so many more meetings available. Just wanted to share my experience in case anyone was curious about it
  2. Idk if it will post me let this page, but for god dang this speaks to me.
  3. My community college offers personal counseling (including substance abuse counseling) and today I scheduled my first apointment for tomorrow morning. I have struggled with substance abuse for quite some time (I am turning 21 next month). I've never been to counseling (outside of seeing my psychiatrist for 5 minute meetings every 4-6 months) so I don't really know what to expect. Hoping to get some idea from people here who have done counseling before. I also have a couple questions about couseling. Basically any advice or tips at all is very appreciated. 1.) Can a counselor contact my psychiatrist and tell her that I abuse my medicine? 2.) How reserved or open should I be for my first session? Is it safe to just come clean about ALL drug misuse experiece? Even about other pill abuse? Or even illegal substances like cocaine which I did a bit too... Getting drug abuse couseling is obviously very new for me and I just want to kinda prepare myself as well as I can. I don't wanna say too much not knowing the next day my doc will stop my meds, put me in rehab, maybe even tell my parents since I am on their health insurace.. Thanks everyone
  4. 10 pills left

    Hey everyone, I've been in revovery for 9 years, had 3 three years consecutive sobriety until mid August when I went completely off the rails. I was working as a therapist in a drug and alcohol rehab and finishing my master's degree, I slowly became less vigilant of myself, and inch by inch made my back to using. After a two week run of benzos, heroin, adderrall, and coke, I woke up last friday out of drugs, but with an appointment to see a psychiatrist I had recently, and effortlessly, convinced to give me script for 90 20mg IRs. I went to the appointment, filled the script, and have been taking them ever since. I'm off all the other stuff, going to meetings, in contact with my sponsor, and trying to pick up the pieces. I lost my job and may be getting kicked out of the master's program with only 3 credits left to complete. The adderrall may have helped me stop the acute insanity and become stabilized, but it makes me feel awful. I can't feel the things I need to feel in order to grow, change, and get healthy again. I've spent a cumulative 8 of the last 9 years completely clean, having a few slips here and there. But the last 3 years have been the best of my life, until I self destructed. I was working up to flushing the rest of my script for the past couple days. The only way I was able to do that psychologically was to ration out a couple day's supply to last me until Monday, then I have an opportunity to crash for a couple days and not really do much. I decided to save 4 of them to help me study for a certification exam next month, but chances are I'll get into those as soon as my rations run out. I'll be utterly amazed if those pills remain after a couple days without any speed. But feel free to warn me of the backwards thinking behind trying to quit and saving a stash, but I'm already well aware of it. I'm insane when it comes to this stuff. And informing the Dr. who prescibed these things.. At this point, I am unwilling to do that. And yes, it is because I have a reservation to use adderrall again. The only safe measure would be to inform every single doctor in, and out of, my state. Because if I wanted to pick these things back up in the future, I could just find another idiot with a prescription pad. But that might take too much time, time in which I may turn to other things, so if I decided to get a refill I'd like it run smoothly and quickly, that way it will take less time for me to realize that I hate this stuff and can NEVER use it properly. I sound insane, I know, but thats what a two week drug binge followed by a week long adderrall romance will do to you. The most I've taken in a single day is 80mg, usually get to sleep around 7am, sleep until one and start the whole thing again. I wouldn't even get out of bed if I didn't use adderrall this week. But I'm just prolonging the inevitable, and I've had a wonderful life not using these pills, so I know what to look forward to. So Tuesday will will be my quit date. But it may end up being Wednesday if I can't stay out of my "study stash". If I can stay out of my study stash, it will help me psychologically to know that they're there, I did this when I quit cigarettes, I kept a single cigarette for a year, and would sometimes look at it just to know it was an option. But eventually, once I felt secure about not smoking, I threw it out. So hopefully that will be what happens with my "study stash" if it survives Tuesday's crash. I joined this forum because I will need support for this. I've quit all sorts of things, and know that the key component is support during the most difficult period. Then its all about self honesty, and honesty with others in order to continue to keep growing and not have the desire to go back to this stuff. Because it isolates me, keeps me trapped inside myself, and I can't obtain the peace and joy that I just recently had in my life. Thank you for being there, and creating this forum. I need it.
  5. Did you detox at home? In a hospital? At a friends? What was it like? Tell your story~ I detoxed at Silver Hill hospital in CT. I detoxed from benzos as well as adderall so I was put on a ton of valium to begin with. This hospital is/was amazing. The taper was smooth, the staff was amazing, and they treated us addicts like people. (I love spreading the word about Silver Hill to anyone on the east coast who is thinking about detoxing or doing a 28-day program. If it weren't for SH, I would not be sober today.) In 2011, I detoxed in MA at Adcare, which was the most painful experience of my life (do not go there!) Silver Hill showed me that I could live without adderall. I decided their 28-day transitional living program, which was focused on DBT.Their staff is amazing. Their doctors, nurses, counselors, psychologists are all top-notch. Their program/education is packed with great therapy and tools to use during early sobriety. They keep you busy. Their food is amazing. They have yoga :-) If you'd like more info, message me!
  6. I have recently been to both NA and AA meetings. I don't drink alcohol at all nor have I ever been drunk in my life, but addiction support is something i wanted and an AA meeting was nearby so I went. It seemed like the NA and the AA were clones of each other with the exception of NA having a darker tone/less friendly vibe{but maybe it's just the ones I have been to}. Has anyone else been to both as well or have a personal preference and if so why? I would chose to go back to AA meetings. Im not knocking any support groups, so please don't take it that way.
  7. Day 1

    Hey guys, I'm new to the forum, I hope this post isn't too long! I'm currently a senior in college and I'm approaching the one year mark as an adderall user. Like most of you it all started out great: my GPA shot up, I could easily study for exams a week in advance, etc. However, as time passed I realized that I had lost myself to the adderall. I went from being in a fraternity and was fairly social, to isolating myself from my friends and leaving the fraternity. When I was on Adderall all I wanted to do was study and that resulting in me separating myself from my closest friends. I also started to chase that Euphoric feeling that I had when I first began taking adderall which led abusing the medicine. I was originally prescribed 30mg IR and about 4 months ago I started taking about 40-60mg a day. About 1 month ago I switched to 30mg XR, and thats when the abuse got real. I was so used to the immediate stimulation that XR didn't do it for me and on a few occasions I took 90mg XR in one day. This is when I realized that I was headed down a bad path, and that if I didn't change anything sooner or later something was going to give. About a month and a half ago I actually stopped cold turkey bc I burned through my prescription and that was my eye opening moment. After being off of Adderall for 3 weeks I forgot how good it felt just to be me! Before Adderall I was in the Gym almost everyday, but I stopped working out after a few months of daily use. Being off of Adderall for 3 weeks I honestly didn't have bad withdrawls, aside from being tired and lacking motivation, I was MUCH happier, more social, more confident, working out, and actually did just as well in my classes (although it was a lot harder). Last week however was finals week and that's the worst time to be dealing with lack of motivation, so I started taking adderall again. For some reason, I couldn't just take my meds as prescribed! After taking a month and a half off 30mg XR was more than enough, but for some reason I just took 60mg and sometimes 90mg! Fortunately I did very well on my finals, however I realized that I have developed a problem with Adderall. I'm not the type of kid to abuse drugs or alcohol and I never have, but I was obviously falling victim to Adderall, and I see why it's a controlled substance. I'm no sure I ever needed adderall, I think I was just Lazy, because I performed just as well without it during those few weeks, it just took more effort! Anyway, I decided that enough is enough, and that the bad is starting to outweigh the good and that it wasn't worth it anymore. I've been off of Adderall now for one week but it wasn't official because I still had prescriptions for the next two months so I it wasn't official. This is why it is only Day 1 for me; I've thought about it and after reading the articles and forum I took those two prescriptions and ripped them to shreds!! Today is the day that I take back control of my life before it gets out of control. I'm hoping that I will have similar results with withdrawl. I know that I am never going back to Adderall, no matter what and it feels great. Thank you to everybody for sharing your stories, it has helped me more than you know! Does anybody know roughly how long my complete recovery might take considering I was on Adderall just under 1 year?
  8. Ok. So I think what I need, is an email buddy or someone that is also around the same quitting time as me, to talk to. I don't want to bore everyone with my stories, its the same as im sure many others on here, I thought I was on top of the world when I got to day 26 in the past. longest i'd been clean in 7 years -1 year of pregnancy. so 26 days was the furthest. I AM NOW ON DAY 36. But I don't even feel as good as I did with day 26 the fist time. I think I just feel so guilty about relapsing even if it were 1 or 2 pills, for the past 4 months. And of course throughout the years I have gone through the big times trying to quit here and there, obviously it never worked, I always went back, and was too cowardly to even come back to this site. But 4 months ago, I realized I was done, and I had to be done, I crave to be done, I know that's what I truly want. Im tired of watching my life flash by. Ive been through this stuggle for too long now. why does it have to take so long? why would even one pill make me feel so much better for just one day and its that easy? Is everyone else's progress around the same as mine? is this normal? These ups and downs are crazy and idk if its from no Adderall, my depression, or depression meds. I study psychology so I know about anti depressants and teatmeants and so on.... But im not looking for a text book answer, I'm looking for a real person going through the same real thing I am right now or who could relate. DAY 36. I cant believe I haven't been on this site in around 3 months, it was my favorite thing to look forward to everyday, everyone who I have talked to was great and so helpful, made me feel better. I just backed out. And im sorry. Not only is quitting the problem, its other life factors that are big struggles happening all at the same time while still trying to be a young mom and get up everyday. (it sounds so pathetic that I cant even get up, but its getting better) NEED SOME CHEERING UP I GUESS :/
  9. This is my story. I met this girl when I was 18 years old, she was a sexy, chaotic, blue eyed woman and when i looked at her i just smiled. For one reason or another we never pursued an intimate relationship but she most certainly she caught my eye. Fast forward 10 years, I move to Los Angeles, start a new life and never stayed in direct contact with this lovely girl. I occasional asked mutual friends about her but never dug deeper. Every year, I would come home for a holiday visit, this girl would always show up with the rest of my friends. There wasn't a time when I don't remember her not being there. I would hear songs from when I was 18 and have flash backs of this girl but again, never thinking deeper but a smile always came to me face when thoughts of her occurred. Fast forward another 5 years. This girl is the love of my life. She has been right in front of me this whole time and I never saw it. This girl, is someone I can see myself growing old with, creating a family with and never desiring another soul to lay in bed next to. I feel lucky and grateful to have gotten to know her heart. The love of my life I remember is funny, full of life, full of love and most importantly the best mother on the planet to 2 kids that I love more then anything. She works way too hard, she puts too many expectations on herself and created a life that no super hero could even live up to. The thing is, I didn't get to propose, I didn't get to marry her, I didn't get to buy a house and settle down with the love of my life because life grabbed her, dealt her unimaginable challenges and she got lost in a world of substance abuse, and her best friend named Addy stepped in, took over and has been running her life for the past 2 years. Do I blame her? Hell no! Do I understand why? I most certainly do. I know she isn't able to see the big picture right now, I know that this drug has replaced her real feelings, her real self with a version of someone that she doesn't know never mind me. I see these two very different versions of this person and it breaks my heart knowing I can't clear the fog for her just enough for her to trust that life can be manageable again without this drug. She doesn't need to work 60 hours a week, she doesn't need to isolate and shut down her feelings. She can trust that I will walk next to her, taking care of things while she gets centered again. She can count on me to not save her but to be her strength when she needs it. After all, she is the love of my life, till death due us part. If I had a fantasy, she would move to Los Angeles with me, focus on herself, allow herself the time she needs to heal while we slowly get to know the new versions of ourselves. She wont have the same pressures or need to work endless hours. We are a team, what one can't do in the moment, the other picks up the slack. We can enjoy life's simple pleasures, football games, camping trips, traveling, enjoying a nice meal all as a family. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Yes, its my dream. What if she doesn't like Los Angeles, then what? Well, we move, anywhere once we have worked through and built a stable foundation as individuals and then as a team. Remember she is the love of my life, till death do us part. A town or city won't change how I feel about her. Nothing will and the past 2 years of pushing and pulling has proven that I won't give up on her. So, yes, this is my story of love, lost love, despair, hope, faith and fantasy and all along competing with her best friend Addy. What's keeping me from living my dream? The love of my life won't choose a healthy lifestyle, she has chosen a life that allows her to forget, be numb and is lied to daily by this drug that life is better when she is on it. This drug is her best friend, that she believes will never leave or hurt her. But what she doesn't see is that her best friend is stabbing her in the back every day of her life. Brain washing her into believing that she needs this best friend to survive, to work hard to pay the bills, to have fun is only when Addy is around, to not feel pain of the past. While the years speed by, her best friend isn't pointing out that she is incapable of growing, incapable of connecting, incapable of true love, incapable of being the person she really is, incapable of just enjoying the small simple pleasures life has to offer. I've been robbed of the love of my life over a back stabbing best friend who really has no interest in her as a mother, as a partner, as a friend, as a sister and as a daughter. What can I do to help? Nothing, sit back and have faith that she catches a glimpse of her old self in the mirror and realizes she wants to start feeling life again. How long will you hold on for the love of your life? I'm not sure, I've recently been losing hope that she even has the small occasional desire to dump her best friend but just when I'm about to give up, my faith kicks in and I believe that the love of my life is still in that shell of a person she is portraying today.
  10. It's only been 17 days since I've stopped using Adderall. I've quit over twenty times before now, but this time I know that I am finished with Adderall for good. I am entering the world as myself, and that is incredibly scary. I'm feeling like a complete mess- so lazy and unmotivated, with piles of things to do everywhere. Every day is a little easier. I am learning to take tasks one by one. I’ve realized how boring cleaning actually is haha. I have just sort of accepted that this who I am and this is what I am going to need to go through to get better, but I truly wonder if I ever really will get "better." Yes I don't feel as a tired as I did the first seven or eight days into it, but I still just feel so far from being who I have known for so long, the girl that I have come to know on Adderall. My story is not a whole lot different from any of yours. I am so happy to have found this website, for the longest time I have known that I have a problem with Adderall and that I am addicted, yet any place that I would go for help I would find myself fully able to connect with the other types of drug addictions out there. I used Adderall as a way to be more successful. At first with very good intentions, actually probably the whole duration of the time I used Adderall was for good intentions. I am now a physical education teacher and only 28 years old. My user name: wouldn't have known, comes from the fact that hardly anyone in my life knew, with the exception of my sister who also uses, my therapist and my doctor(s); mostly because I hid it from the world. I started using in high school, when a friend in my class offered it to me. I refused it several times because I was not one to use drugs and swore to myself that I never would, but after his explanation that it would help me in school, and that it was unlike other drugs, I finally gave in. He was so right. It was amazing, euphoric. I remember going to Chemistry, a class that I absolutely dreaded and for the first time everything made sense. I asked my friend for more Adderall, before I knew it I received a 103 on my Chemistry exam, the second highest score in the class was a 73. It felt absolutely amazing to feel smart and capable. I thrived off of this feeling. I found several ways to get it from friends to get me through the last year of high school and eventually went to my doctor to make my plea for ADHD. From the time I went on the medication, I achieved straight A's in all of my classes. I also used the drug to get my self into amazing shape physically. I finished college with my master's degree quicker then most of my peers and settled into my current career as a physical education teacher. I also coach cheerleading and gymnastics, I am a snowboarding instructor, and I started a summer camp. I do so much! Up until this moment, you are probably reading this and wandering so what was the big deal? And for most people, this is the, “me†they know, because this is the, “me†they see. Even me, after writing that, I am looking back and only seeing the positive at this moment. The truth is, through all of this, I almost killed myself several times on accident. Even found myself in the hospital more than a handful of times, nearly overdosing on Adderall trying to handle the high levels of stress that the Adderall brought into my life. In the hospital I claimed taking too much was an accident. It scared me, but I did not stop. This was a true indication of addiction. Several times, I felt my heart skip a few beats or start beating over 120 beats per minute at rest. I would feel my toes and hands tingle, I really feared having a stroke or heart attack and think it was very close to being my reality. I never was able to use the drug as prescribed; I always tried to when I got that new script at the beginning of the month. I had intentions of doing it that way. I would say to myself, if I just used the drug as prescribed I would be fine. I would go maybe a day or two and as soon as that next big task presented itself, down went the pills, taking 60-100mg at a time, several times a day and at some points during my addiction even more. Leaving myself running out 10-15 days early. I think I even went through a whole months worth in less then a week once. As you all know the doctors will not fill the script this early. I'd have to go through this painful process of withdrawal every month. I would try to find friends who had Adderall or anything I could get my hands on through this time period to try to feel better. I remember scavenging through my drawers, and bags hoping just somewhere I could find any little pill that could give me relief. I remember even licking the little case I kept my Adderall pills in... pathetic. Not only the damage that I knew I was doing to my body, I hated how Adderall made me lose a big piece of who I was while I was on it. I think that it was maybe the withdrawal period that allowed me to recognize this. After the initial strong withdrawal symptoms started to fade, I started to feel alive again, me again. That day that script came in, I would take that pill so eager and excited but then quickly realize, I was not the fun loving, patient, and easy going person that I am naturally. Rather... I am overly focused, uptight, easily irritated, and unable to connect with others emotionally. I never really had the need for friendship or socializing while on the Adderall- whatever task I needed to do at the moment always took priority, I rarely answered my phone, never responded to texts, and never made time for the people I love. I've lost so many friends, damaged relationships with family members, and lost a few people that I really loved, including the biggest loss of my life, my father who passed away from his own addiction problems 11 months ago. This I will come back to in some other post some other time. Just wanted to share with all of you my story because I have connected with all of your stories so much. There is so much more to it but this where I am at for now. I am clean 17 days and going strong with no intentions of ever going back on the medicine. I have told my therapist and my boyfriend for accountability. I have also thrown away my pills, told my sister so that she knows that I don’t want to be around it and what I am going through and even told my doctor. I am actually on my way to the doctors right now for a physical to check all my blood work and to see where I am health wise after all of this damage that I have done to my body. Good luck to everyone and let me know if there’s anyway I can help any of you succeed at quitting too.
  11. I will try to make this as short as possible. I am 20 years old and have been abusing adderall for about a year now. I experimented with it in high school and one summer almost every day, staying awake for up to 3 days non stop, hallucinating, not eating, going literally insane. Well, i decided i wanted to get a skript because i was battling with severe dependence to weed. On top of that i have been bulimic/anorexic for 7 years, so the weed made my bulimia that much worse. I was ecstatic when i got the prescription after 10 minutes of being in my psychiatrists office. Things were great, the typical adderall story. I was motivated, happy, losing weight without trying, i decided to go back to college, kept my first long term job, you get the picture. After the first month or so my tolerance was building very rapidly. I took a few days off the drug here and there, but that didn't help to slow it. I started at 10mg and am prescribed 40mg a day now, but take anywhere from 60-110mg a day, everyday. I always had a HORRIBLE time with the crash. It seemed even at the beginning the adderall high only lasted TOPS 5 hours, then slowly the crash took over the rest of my evenings. So i turned to heavy drinking to combat the debilitating lows. It helped, until it didn't. Now i am back to drinking and smoking weed to comedown and sleep. Here are my side effects. It started with the usual rapid heartbeat (only when crashing), extremely cold, anxiety, intense irritation towards others/noises, itching(feeling like there was a bug or feather touching my body, id itch the hell out of my skin and be left with fingernail marks all over), and of course insomnia. I think about a month or two ago (i have no acurate perspective of time, since it all seemed to just fly by) i started getting intense heat flashes. I would go from freezing to burning up with a rred face and rash on my chest, then back to freezing, i have been getting bad muscle tremors. My head will quickly twitch side to side throughout the day, as well as my legs and arms. My hands are shaky as a leaf, always. Everyone notices that too. My eyesight gets blurred/foggy dduring the crash. Usually my right eye will lose a good 30% of it's vision and get bloodshoot. There's many more symptoms, but the worse one has to be my fingers/hands. I have always had bad circulation and in cold temps. my fingers turned numb and i had to warm them. But since starting adderall it has really made it much worse. Now, they turn purple/blue even when it is not cold out. My hands are never just normally white anymore, they are always purple or very red. It is VERY embarrassing and everyone at work comments on it. I also noticed that now when i smoke weed i am very weird. I always was self conscious, especially high, but now it's like the entire time i am in my own head, picking things apart. When my friend is talking, all i am doing is nodding and wondering if he is analyzing me/how i look. I realize especially when i've smoked weed that i subconsciously am curling and uncurling my toes, digging my fingernail into my hands, biting my cheek, and i never look my friends in the eyes, i stare of into space and pretend i am present. I have come onto this site a lot when i feel i am ready to quit, like last night. But here i am today, considering taking my adderall. I don't even know why. It's like the adderall numbs my emotions and feelings towards others, but when i am not on it i feel completely numb. A different numb though. I have never been able to deal with feelings. Ever since i was a little girl. I never talked about how i felt, i put on a happy face, hid behind my eating disorder, then drugs, alcohol, weed, now adderall. I don't know how to be "normal" i am so used to living in my own dysfunctional world. I don't know if i can learn to cope in the real world.