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Found 5 results

  1. Almost a month clean

    Hi all, I am almost one month clean and I have a few questions. First of all, I definitely had good days and bad days, and I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice about diet and foods to avoid that may make attention issues and withdrawal worse. I try and eat plenty of fruit and veggies, but yesterday I sort of splurged and got pizza with my fiance. I ate so much yesterday and today, and I feel SO scatterbrained and inattentive. I tried to do some work earlier, and I got overwhelmed with the smallest things. Also, I feel very silly, and I know my fiance thinks it's funny, but I'm honestly a little uncomfortable that I can't seem to turn it off. I want to be professional and to be taken seriously, but right now I just feel ridiculous. The second question I have regards relationships. My fiance has been really supportive of me getting clean. I have struggled with this for 5 years and I was on it for our entire relationship. I know in the long run, I will be a better partner for him, but my recovery takes up so much energy that I'm afraid he doesn't fully understand. I feel like I'm talking about it constantly because sometimes ADHD meds are all I can think about. Also, I keep forgetting little things and he gets annoyed and impatient. This usually triggers a plethora of negative thoughts that makes me think I can't function without my meds, and why am I even trying. I know this is just my addiction talking, so I try and observe these thoughts and redirect my thinking to be patient and forgiving with myself. I am healing and it takes time. I just wish I could get my fiance to understand that it will take some time before I am as productive as I was before and that's ok. I may make little mistakes. I may forget little things. I don't want him to think I am just making excuses for having trouble accomplishing small tasks. Any advice?
  2. Ladies, please help!

    I am working on a relationship book. I need some input from the ladies out there. This is not a man bashing post, so please be decent. I need your top relationship issue. Just a quick description of what is your biggest issue with your boyfriend/spouse/partner. For example: "I have a full time job, and I have to do all of the housework." I appreciate the input. Guys, feel free to comment. I appreciate your point of view as well. This book will not be about how terrible men are...don't worry.
  3. Okay, sorry if this is long. I'm so turned around and I just need to get it all out. I've been thinking about quitting lately. I've made a couple of attempts in the past but always end up back on the addies or some other stimulant. I know it's destructive but I think I just haven't found the internal motivation to follow through. I love being creative and productive and social all the time way too much to do the smart thing and worry about my undoubtedly increasingly unbalanced nuerochemistry... or my health... or the prospect of my life turning into 'Requiem for a Dream'. You know, typical addict stuff. But I met this really great guy and I REALLY like him. Like, oh man, we super click on a lot of levels. But I definitely don't want to put someone I really care about in the position of being an addict's partner, especially because he has dated a junky in the past and that sorta contributed to his life going off the rails. So, my options are now; 1) Keep seeing him and lie - Bleh, been there, done that. So much no. I want to be better than that. I HAVE to be better than that. 2) Tell him about my addiction and let him decide what he wants to do - I feel like this is the right, courageous, and most ethical thing to do but the mere thought of saying the words 'I am addicted to adderall' to this person makes me shakey. I am historically a relationship addict (not as much so now that I've replaced one addiction with another); http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_addiction and the prospect of facing dissaproval and abandonment from someone I'm romantically entangled with instills the fear of death itself in me. Or that's what it feels like anyway. I feel like I can't do it, like, physically, if that makes sense. I feel like my throat will close up or I'll throw from nerves or have a panic attack or something if I even try to have that conversation. 3) Same as above (tell him) but also explain that this means I can't be involved with anyone right now. I think there might be some virtue in completing my adderall saga, whenever and wherever it may end, alone. I don't want to do damage to anyone but me. 4) Make some excuse to stop hanging out or dissapear mysteriously and hope it doesn't bum him out too much - I would be epically sad, but this would be the easiest thing to do. It's also the most cowardly. If I could be brave enough to tell him what's going on in my life, and he still wants to hang out with my crazy ass for some reason, that would probably be on the condition that I start working on quitting now, which I'd be willing to try again, but I feel like I'd fail because I wouldn't be 100% certain if it was for me, or if it was just for him. I don't know if I'm ready to quit. I'm so pathetic... I'm co-dependant to the point that I don't even care enough about myself to stop using tweak, I need 'love' or whatever the fuck you call what co-dependants feel to motivate me to save my own goddamn life. And even if I didn't have those issues, I'm pathetic because I'm choosing drugs over spending more time with someone who I think is totally awesome and I can't even work up the guts to tell them. Can anyone relate? Thoughts? Advice? Man... I feel like the worst person... =(
  4. chronic relapser

    I am the first generation of children on stimulants. I was put on ritalin because I was disruptive in class and unorganized in 10th grade. I hated the way I felt. My parents would ground me if I refused my pills. I tried pot and realized it would mellow me out . I eventually learned to love ritalin and the Dr. Kept increasing my dose. I would be high all day and stoned all night. I wasn't disrupting class anymore because I skipped school to smoke cigarettes which I found amazing when on speed. I went to college but dropped out when I moved on to cocaine and just partied in a college town until bad choices led me to having an unexpected pregnancy. I stopped all drug use during pregnancy and became some what functional. After my son was born. My house was always a mess and it was hard being a single mom. My mom talked me into seeing a shrink who put me back on ritalin. Long story short i started chain smoking and started pot again. But i was able to get my degree and moved across the country to get away from drugs. I started working in a mental health clinic, was was maka great mom, got married, my new husband adopted my son and everything seemed to be behind us. A year into our marriage some th ting was wrong. Teachers reported weird behaviors with my son and i found out some awful things about my husbands past. I had trouble keeping up at work and one of the psychratrists gave me a script for adderal. I was in love. It gave me a euphoric feeling that ritalin didn't. I started abusing it immediately. I kept it a secret and spent a lot of time away from my family. My husband turned out to be a porn addict and slept on the couch by my son's room. I just kept popping pills and thriving at my job. I let my husband deal with my sons issues at school. Eventually my husband left after i found out he was pretending to be a women online to talk to men and tried to get custody of my son. I was still functioning and kept my addiction secret. I had a prescribed dose of 90mg a day and didn't need to go over that. I didnt even consider myself addicted because i was taking as prescribed. To shorten this awful story i will skip a lot of details. It came out my son may of been sexually abused and i lost my mind. I was up to 120 a day and never had issues filling my scripts early becaise i worked with shrinks. And my mom also addicted to adderal moved in to help. I had endless supply I started acting crazy, the dreaded stimulant psychosis and took a leave from work. Because i was abusing adderal and acting insane the justice system believed i was making allegations up. I kept it together enough to have marriage and adoption annuled and got a restraing order. My son was expelled from school for behaviors and i left my job for good. Met a great man that helped me get off adderal moved had a baby. Quit for 2 years. Even lost baby weight adderal free. Started my own sucessful buisness. My son was thriving in his new school and i believed the abuse never happened. All part of adderal paranoia. All was grrat until the pollice knocked on my door and informed me my son was being investigated for sexual assult on a classmate. Relapse started slowly stealing a few pills from my mom then getting my own script dumping the pills after three days. I cant seem to kick this habit. I told my mom to hide pills. She doesnt. I told the dr to stop filling my script. He forgot. I went to therapist but she didnt feel they had appropiate support group for me. I finally told my husband and he is watching me carefully. I know my triggers are stress and guilt over what happened to my son. And thats not going away. He is on probation and therapy. He is only 10 and got comminity service and a year in court system when his abuser is walking free. I couldnt help him because of my drug addiction. How do you let that go and move on sober. Does anyone else have trouble dealing with trauma and emotions without relapsing? I never shared my story because of the shame involved. But if i start the addiction cycle i will lose everything again and cant start over. Im 35 and have been addicted since 15. I never learned to handle life without a stimulant. Im hoping to find strength through others. I have a lot of stress ahead of me helping my son and protecting him from the system and a beautiful daughter that deserves a good life.
  5. This is my story. I met this girl when I was 18 years old, she was a sexy, chaotic, blue eyed woman and when i looked at her i just smiled. For one reason or another we never pursued an intimate relationship but she most certainly she caught my eye. Fast forward 10 years, I move to Los Angeles, start a new life and never stayed in direct contact with this lovely girl. I occasional asked mutual friends about her but never dug deeper. Every year, I would come home for a holiday visit, this girl would always show up with the rest of my friends. There wasn't a time when I don't remember her not being there. I would hear songs from when I was 18 and have flash backs of this girl but again, never thinking deeper but a smile always came to me face when thoughts of her occurred. Fast forward another 5 years. This girl is the love of my life. She has been right in front of me this whole time and I never saw it. This girl, is someone I can see myself growing old with, creating a family with and never desiring another soul to lay in bed next to. I feel lucky and grateful to have gotten to know her heart. The love of my life I remember is funny, full of life, full of love and most importantly the best mother on the planet to 2 kids that I love more then anything. She works way too hard, she puts too many expectations on herself and created a life that no super hero could even live up to. The thing is, I didn't get to propose, I didn't get to marry her, I didn't get to buy a house and settle down with the love of my life because life grabbed her, dealt her unimaginable challenges and she got lost in a world of substance abuse, and her best friend named Addy stepped in, took over and has been running her life for the past 2 years. Do I blame her? Hell no! Do I understand why? I most certainly do. I know she isn't able to see the big picture right now, I know that this drug has replaced her real feelings, her real self with a version of someone that she doesn't know never mind me. I see these two very different versions of this person and it breaks my heart knowing I can't clear the fog for her just enough for her to trust that life can be manageable again without this drug. She doesn't need to work 60 hours a week, she doesn't need to isolate and shut down her feelings. She can trust that I will walk next to her, taking care of things while she gets centered again. She can count on me to not save her but to be her strength when she needs it. After all, she is the love of my life, till death due us part. If I had a fantasy, she would move to Los Angeles with me, focus on herself, allow herself the time she needs to heal while we slowly get to know the new versions of ourselves. She wont have the same pressures or need to work endless hours. We are a team, what one can't do in the moment, the other picks up the slack. We can enjoy life's simple pleasures, football games, camping trips, traveling, enjoying a nice meal all as a family. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Yes, its my dream. What if she doesn't like Los Angeles, then what? Well, we move, anywhere once we have worked through and built a stable foundation as individuals and then as a team. Remember she is the love of my life, till death do us part. A town or city won't change how I feel about her. Nothing will and the past 2 years of pushing and pulling has proven that I won't give up on her. So, yes, this is my story of love, lost love, despair, hope, faith and fantasy and all along competing with her best friend Addy. What's keeping me from living my dream? The love of my life won't choose a healthy lifestyle, she has chosen a life that allows her to forget, be numb and is lied to daily by this drug that life is better when she is on it. This drug is her best friend, that she believes will never leave or hurt her. But what she doesn't see is that her best friend is stabbing her in the back every day of her life. Brain washing her into believing that she needs this best friend to survive, to work hard to pay the bills, to have fun is only when Addy is around, to not feel pain of the past. While the years speed by, her best friend isn't pointing out that she is incapable of growing, incapable of connecting, incapable of true love, incapable of being the person she really is, incapable of just enjoying the small simple pleasures life has to offer. I've been robbed of the love of my life over a back stabbing best friend who really has no interest in her as a mother, as a partner, as a friend, as a sister and as a daughter. What can I do to help? Nothing, sit back and have faith that she catches a glimpse of her old self in the mirror and realizes she wants to start feeling life again. How long will you hold on for the love of your life? I'm not sure, I've recently been losing hope that she even has the small occasional desire to dump her best friend but just when I'm about to give up, my faith kicks in and I believe that the love of my life is still in that shell of a person she is portraying today.