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  1. Relapsed again...

    Hi there, Yesterday I relapsed. I had one more written script and immediatley filled it up yesterday morning. See, I am a personal trainer-- I know, how can a personal trainer be addicted to adderall? Well, it happens...and when I went to measure a new client yesterday who is very thin, I immediatley relaspsed. I started comparing myself to her, and wanting to be as skinny as she is. She's about my height, and a very desirable/unrealistic weight I wish to be. My biggest struggle in quitting, is gaining weight. I am suppose to be a good example for many, and when I feel fat and chose poor food choices-- I resort to adderall to fix those bad choices. I think, "well if I take an adderall, I wont eat as much and won't obsess over being skinny..." I feel so out of control. I was so upset yesterday for filling that prescription. Now I have spent $72 on a bottle of 60 pills that sit in my drawer. Today, I haven't taken any. I really do want to stop. I want to be clean, and have my full self back. I have told my boyfriend about my problem and he's been helping me through it. I feel like if I can get through 2 weeks, I can get through it. I stopped before for 3 months, and one day relapsed and went and got scripts again. I am going to tell my doc to stop prescribing them to me. I don't know what to do now. I want to dump the bottle down the drain, but I just spent $72...I know that's a terrible excuse, but part of me thinks..well maybe I can wean off. I was only taking 20mg a day, so I'm wondering if weaning myself off and never getting the script again would work? I want to quit cold turkey, and for today I am. I am going to be adderall free for 2 weeks-- I promise myself. It's almost like I need to get the pills out of the house & away from me. But I'm scared. Scared to gain weight-- not that I am "adderall skinny", because I still ate and like I said only took 20mg and sometimes only 10mg per day. So, I'm not really skinny, just fit cuz I work out and try to eat good for the most part. But I'm still scared. I need to use that fear are courage. I want myself back-- and I'm okay if that means gaining a few pounds-- as long as it's not some crazy weight gain. I just need to be good, have faith and stay strong. I need to know the first 2 weeks will be really rough, but I can get through this. Have faith for me, Kiss