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Hi, It's been 2 months since I quit, and it's not getting better. I've never been skinny without Adderall. It's the only thing that's ever been able to take my mind off of being obsessed with food. And that in itself was the biggest fucking relief. Especially because for what I want to do (music and acting), I HAVE to be skinny. There's a problem though - I'm a little addicted to Adderall. I didn't take more than I was prescribed, ever. Just 20mg a day. But that was enough to get me soaring high. I've wasted a lot of time on it, doing things I thought were important, that really weren't. I've isolated myself, and not cared about having friends or living life because of it. Just being skinny. And I took it on the weekends, even when I wasn't doing school, because I didn't wanna be hungry. So I decided to go off it, and see what happened. Now, I'm on the other end of the spectrum. The good news is my personality is better, I like to talk to people, and I'm nicer. The bad news is the weight is piling on, I can't stop eating, and all I wanna do is lay around and watch TV all day. Some days I gets bursts of motivation and go workout and eat healthy and do my online college. But most days I fail. I haven't gotten the motivation to write songs again. I didn't use to be this way before I ever took Adderall. Did Adderall mess up my brain for good? Do I have permanent ADD/Depression now? I don't know what to do. If I could be motivated and eat healthy and workout without it, I'd be better off without it overall. But that isn't what's happening. And I sleep 10 hours a night now - I never used to do that. Why is my brain not going back to normal?? I'm struggling, wanting to go back on it so I can be skinny again. I can't do what I love (music and acting) if I'm fat. I just can't. But I also don't wanna isolate myself from the world again. I don't know what the answer is. There are no Adderall support groups I can go to (not that I've been able to find). If anyone help give me some advice, it would be greatly appreciated. I know if I go back to a psychiatrist, they will tell me I NEED Adderall, just to make their money.....and that's not what I want. I want someone to tell me the truth. I've been signed to a major record deal before. I've got lots of followers online. I've got millions of views. I live in LA. I have the writing abilities. i have what it takes, to make things start happening for me again, I know I do. But I'm not moving forward. I've been at a standstill the past few years. Everyone gave up on me, and someone told me about Adderall, and it's been keeping me sane these past few years, and motivated to get my career back on track, but....despite the motivation, I haven't moved forward. I don't know if it's Adderall, or what it is that is standing in my way, but all I want is to do the thing that's gonna make me the most successful. Whatever that is - that's the thing I want to do. Whether it be sober, or on pills. So if anyone has any advice or opinions - please let me know. I'll be forever grateful! Sincerely, A v confused girl in need of some help.
spemat posted a topic in General DiscussionMy name is Matt Has anyone here been on this since a young age because I started on dexedrine and except for 3 years after I grauduated???? Did cosmetology, had a manic episode because I also have mani episodes naturally. Well this month the insurance said, Ritalin, Adderall or Desoxyn. Dexedrine went from a starting dose to 60 mg and a peak of 150 mg and I got back on that track because I need to learn more skills that I never learned growing up because I decorated cakes but then went to college for international studies and German double major... I work for a company that is a subsidiary for interpreting/translating with the head company of Linguavox. I am #4 in command now and I was cold on dexedrine but on Adderall I have that sociopath face going on. I am in a thing with a same sex couple of bi women but they are friends and this guy I liked was supposed to but I started adderall on the 11th and I was really into him and I get tattoos (suit and tie) from him and I just for to that point where I couldn't sleep and took more. 3 to be exact. I hate my job except for the free trips to numerous places. I am a dual citizen to Germany from my dad and my maternal grandparents are from there and I have always spoke both, learned fluent farsi at age 8 from neighbors because I was in love with the oldest brother in that family (they were neighbors from Iran). In college I learned French, Spanish and Italian at a proficient level not fluently, I don't sound native like I do with the other three. I am cold and have zero compassion. I will of course take time off from this to kiss up to the cute tattoo artist because although I have a clean cut suit and tie look, I have a split tongue and sleeve tatoos and used to be gothed out as a youth so it is like I am sneaky. They also think I am clean cut, rigid, uptight and the good lawyers and senator's wife I have either knew my mom or were part of the mania and dexedrine/adderall put together. I am bisexual and often respectable but I find myself into sadism so the two prominent (hot) lawyers I have as references both have been my gimps and done cocaine off my rear and the whole nine yards. I have a bi female couple that I am friends with benefits with and the tattoo dude who is an ex and a liar from 2005 so I just have him around and warm up when I want discounts. I have zero compassion on this. It "treats the hyperactivity" but I don't eat much and do the bender thing for a day or two, then space the rest out for work because I mediate conflicts to prevent them from going to HR and the VP and President are psychopaths so when I run people out creatively without risk of liability under the guise of suggestion and assertiveness, they love it. I am at the end of bender mode now and almost doing the haldol/klonopin crash out thing because I am on salary and go in 2 days a week at most because I am efficient. I hear out both sides put them both on the spot after and call them both liars and if they don't fill in the blanks then HR will deal with it and it's a black mark. The thing is, off of this, I am cheery, sweet and compassionate but I have the mouth of a truck driver and seem immature for 33 but I don't look old at all. I can say I can't do this much longer, at least the bender part and stopping it will be long and slow because I have to learn skills because my mom was an Adderall mom before it was cool. It was Dexedrine and Super Nintendo. As long as she didn't have to listen to my mouth. So, this is the end of the bender deal. Then I do the 5 days a week deal, and am hyper, funny and really feel for people on weekends. I do the depraved kinky stuff on this though and it really makes me have that part on overdrive. I usually stop now because I will get manic after 3 days and that is a beast. I have a perfect set of teeth but they are Zirconium implants thanks to my relatives in Germany. I could do the geographical cure but I have exes over there too and my cousin Markus is friends with them. I don't have any meth face type stuff going on and when I am not in work clothes, the teens tend to try to hit on me, which I hate. I was switched from Dex to Adderall again... and 60 mg of dexedrine felt like 90 mg of Adderall so she started me on that. What I need to do is taper off of it and stop this bender crap but with adderall it is hard. The IR doses aren't like slamming 300 mg of the XR but it still manages. I have to work up the bravery to have my nurse practitioner cut the dose so I have no choice but to do this or else I will die or go manic and lose it all potentially or win or get paranoid... sadly that part of me isn't choice based. I can love the world, be angry and violent, be grandiose and set goals and do well, paint and write music or get delusional and come up with complex calculus dissertations about Tachyon theory and it's application to the Bermuda and Formosa triangles (around where that plane disappeared from malaysia, they also call it the Devil's sea. I was in Algeria 3 weeks ago for a seminar and I went bender wild and good looking middle eastern/north african guys and women are just kryptonite to me. I learned farsi by teaching German to Pahdideh, the sister that was my age because I was 8 and that guy was 19 but I was obsessed with him until he moved and then I fell in love with this girl who was beautiful and sweet at first but went all bunny boiler on me. But are there drug abusers here that are hyper? because I was never in Special Ed classes, I was t 6th grade level English and knew more German in Kindergarten and I have always ran on tons of cylinders but Adderall makes me love the bender deal. This drug is horrible, I didn't do this much on dex because it is more mentally potent and didn't have that jolt to it but it is $500 a month and I have tried everything else... long acting dexedrine at 30 mg made me psychotic, like the FBI and CIA are going to kill me nuts. Aside from this I am a health nut, good cook, relatively stable and this probably makes no sense or someone is looking at this and thinking "been there". I would lose my job without it. I take supplements too. B vitamins, coq10, Magnesium. In a day or two the tattoo ex will be back in my heart and I live nowhere near landmark college anymore so I am safe from getting to that place again but the idea that these can't get you high or anything when you are hyper is a complete farce but I apparently have an IQ of 163 but I can't socially act older than 21 off of this shit. I also don't smoke or do drugs except this or drink although I used to trip, do ecstasy, cocaine and whatnot in my early 20's during manic episodes but I spend 3 days without eating, invite certain people over for sadism and gross things that make me the stereotype of bisexual that off of this I hate. I am turning into the slut stereotype who is "greedy". I don't say any of this with pride. I might be male but I know I am into monogamous relationships although last summer I broke off a 4 year relationship with a sweetheart in Germany... I went to Beirut with him on my birthday and there was a terrorist attack where they leveled a Christian neighborhood and we got out because EU and US passport holders can often be considered Israeli spies and they think the Israelis and/or Saudis did it. In Germany, I am very "Ordnung muss sein"... I barely need to take meds because my brain goes into a different mode when I speak German and structure and order comes natural somehow. If I move there, I would have an automatic job which they require because they will send you back if you go and just get on Hartz-IV (hearts fear is how it is pronounced) and it is the welfare of Germany. I am glad the summer mania and hyperactivity hit me young but I am to the point where this is old and my NP thinks I need more because I was diagnosed as a kid by one of the most respected neuropsychiatrists that specialize in children as a child before children even started getting the "bipolar" label but mine last for months to years and at 16 it landed me in a jail cell and every other time in nut wards so I have to avoid it although it is intense when you get manic... better than any drug, you feel this rush of energy that makes you feel like you can light up a city block. Having it be developmental though gives me insight and I come out quick. Many adults who are brilliant have one manic episode Sorry for the tirade I think when I brave up to have the dose cut to a minimal amount, I should get weekly supplies to learn those things that Dexedrine did raising me and get off of it. The benders to me are like getting manic by choice or something but the lack of sleep or anything but water, b-12, ginseng, caffeine pills and milk thistle and Lamictal of course make me look like Bill murray after a five day coke binge until I sleep it off, put the suit and tie on and put on my work persona... the sociopath face I get creeps me out... my eyes just look dead and my whole workplace goes silent when I walk in. This sounds like a male pig braggart type crap but it is embarrassing as hell. I bury the shame. My mom died in 2011 from lung cancer and obesity and overdosing on Oxycontin and Xanax... her partner said, "Your mother rolled over and smoked a marlboro light at 2:30 and never woke up again" and she died doing what she loved. She had borderline personality disorder so my coldness comes from the constant roller coaster with her. She used to hate one of us and we didn't exist while the other was the golden child... my brother was the slow, needy, lazy one that wouldn't amount to anything and I was the crazy one who was a genius who would either do better than the rest of the family or end up in jail for a murder spree. Our last email was a "CALL ME NOW!!" and then another 10 minutes later saying that if she regretted one thing, it was bringing 2 of the most narcissistic, sociopaths onto the planet." (that was her endearment). I laughed at it and I hate to say this but I was relieved that I no longer had to deal with the nonstop berating when she was guilting back into her love phase and as an adult it was calls 10 times a day, overrunning my life and then switching it up. This is embarrassing. Nice to meet you all and trust me, none of this is anything I find amusing or cool at all. I am not 21 and when I don't take it, I may act 21 but I am filled with emotions and am a different person.
ItsEasyRight? posted a topic in Tell your story...
Hi all, I wrote on here a few weeks ago, and decided that I liked adderall too much, so I haven't looked at the forums since. I am sitting here after having taken 80mg throughout the day with super anxiety, my heart rate all over the place with skipped heart beats... and just freaking myself out in general. The only time I want to quit is when I am scared I am going to die or my heart is going to stop.... like right now. I am terrified right now that I am like about to die.... but at the same time I will not flush my pills because I'm scared to go without them tomorrow. NOT OKAY! So basically, what I am asking for is: 1- a little reassurance that I am not going to die because I am so close to going to the ER right now 2- MOSTLY what I am looking for is for you to explain what the final straw was... if I am scared about dying and not doing anything about it then what the hell is going to make me quit? What was your final decision to quit taking it?