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My adderall y abuse and my journey of recovery has been a complete secret. I abused for 1 year, have been off of it for 20 months, and I haven’t told anyone I’m close to about it. This secret has become a boulder in my mind. It’s right there all the time. I wish I could tell my parents, but I put them through so much shit with drug abuse and rehab in high school and the years after, and they really thought I was better. I’ve seen them heal so much after the heartbreak of almost losing their daughter- I don’t think I could break their hearts again by admitting that from the fall of 2015 to the fall of 2016 I was dousing my brain daily with bourgeois tweak. But the problem is that this secret has grown in my mind. I now feel like I can’t talk normally with anyone. I feel very far away, very seperate. Ive lost my ability to relate to people and I think a part of this is the fact that I always feel like I am hiding something. How do I tell my story? I’m super ashamed!! i don’t even know where to start. When someone I trust asks me how I am, I lie to them!!! I don’t know how to tell the truth. I seriously need to begin telling my story, but when I start to talk about it my nervous system loses its shit, I become flush in the face and totally dissociate. I’m in deep shit here. Super blocked. Quitting adderall is more than just not using adderall. I’ve accomplished the not using part!!! Go me!! But there’s this whole other part!!!! I love you guys on this forum. I lurk here all the time. I have to start talking.
Ok, so i'm going to share my entire story here because i have never told anyone and for years i kept the fact that i took Adderall secret, so now i am quitting in secret & finding this website & just getting this out & knowing i'm not literally as alone as i feel is relieving. I started Adderall after my ex boyfriend handed me one, & told me it was "just like a pain pill." After, Adderall became our entire relationship. I was already seeing a psychiatrist so one day we decided what i could tell him to possibly get Adderall prescribed to me. It worked, we just became two Adderall zombies. Taking dose after dose, we were together but ignoring each other completely except when we were feeling "chatty." Things went downhill the more and more we took it. All the while having our happy Adderall times together, our relationship turned into a dysfunctional mess of violence, paranoia, and apathy as well. Our relationship went on in cycles like this for a year and a half until he decided to leave for the Air Force. We thought everything would magically be better. He would come back and everything would be fine. He asked me for all kinds of information, so i would be invited to his graduation, he said he would call when he could, or write, & then he got out of my car & I never saw him again. I stayed off Adderall while he was in basic, fully motivated and ready to start our life together, i waited and waited to hear from him. His time in basic was over, i saw pictures of his graduation all over his father's facebook. This hit me hard, and i ran back to Adderall, he had completely erased me from his life. I started to party a lot, hanging out with everyone i could, mixing adderall with anything around, doing the stupidest stuff, many times i was afraid i was going to die, but i didn't care. I was heartbroken and Adderall distracted me from that until the comedowns. i still waited to hear from him for the rest of the year, having dramatic comedowns. I slowed down on the partying and going out all the time, and became more seclusive, hiding at home all day on Adderall, doing useless things, speeding around, not leaving the house ever. I kept taking more and more Adderall. My life became a huge fog. I just sped around not meaning anything not truly feeling anything, and being extremely impulsive. I had became a totally different person. Now, I want to quit. I want to feel like i can do things without a pill. I want to be me and not that person i created from taking Adderall. I am absolutely serious about this. This is not how i want to continue to live my life, & I do not want to schedule my life around a drug anymore. I just want to stop completely. If you read this, i'm really sorry, i should've just summed this up to be shorter hahaha! But also, THANK YOU. I am too ashamed in real life to admit, even though people close to me no doubt know about my Adderall problem, i have secluded myself from everyone and no one knows i am going through this struggle of quitting...
Hello. I just found this website today and I must say that I am extremely surprised and happy to have found such a large and supportive community dedicated to one single cause (or goal in this case). My story: I've struggled my entire life to pay attention to anything for longer than a few minutes. My friends and family always told me I was being inattentive or daydreamed too much. I had no idea why I had such a hard time concentrating on literally the simplest tasks I was given. I first began secretly taking adderall as an undergrad in college. I was given a few 30mg XR pills from my friend during my freshman year and from the first time I took them; I was hooked. I loved the immense amount of power and control I suddenly had over my mind and body (or so I thought at the time). But I couldn't morally deal with taking Adderall without a proper prescription, so I decided to meet with a psychiatrist and ended up getting a formal diagnosis of ADD within a few months. I did not tell my parents; who are extremely old-fashioned. That was five years ago and up to this current day, my parents still do not know about my dependence. They simply think that I had some sort of epiphany at college and pulled myself together enough to start making straight A's and B's. I am currently still taking Adderall, but since graduating with my Master's in Social Work with an emphasis in Mental Health (ironic, right?) I have come to terms with the fact that I am now completely dependent upon Adderall to function throughout my daily life and that at some point soon I need to stop using Adderall to simply get up in the morning. I want to have a life that I can truly live. Of course I want to quit, and yes, I miss aspects of my former self. But there were many things about myself before I started taking Adderall that I do not want to go back to. This is why I have been foiled in my past attempts at quitting Adderall; because I am afraid of who I will revert back to once I stop taking it. But I think the one thing that I miss the absolute most about my former self was my ability to have a "stomach-hurting-slapping-your-knee" kind of laugh. I had been told my entire life that I had a very infectious laugh, even as a small child, which I loved. Since I began taking Adderall five years ago, I have not laughed that amazing laugh one single time since. I miss it dearly and I can recall many instances during the past five years in which I wished I had that laugh still. But no matter how funny I find something to be, that laugh has continued to evade me. It seems minuscule and non-important; to have a good laugh. But to me, it was a defining feature of myself that I absolutely loved. I also think that it shows just how much Adderall has impeded my ability to truly show my true self even in the simplest ways.