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  1. My wake-up call

    Hi, I apparently set up an account some time ago and I don't even remember doing so. I have been taking Adderall and also often abusing it, since 2000 and I am now convinced this addiction is why I ended my marriage to a loving husband. I was in the throes of one of the stages; irritable, blaming, angry, depressed, anxious, confused, no motivation, living only to take the dose in the morning, and feeling the problems were my spouse's fault. I have been able to free myself from Adderall about three or four times but never permanently. I am currently unable to hold a job although I have a master's degree and I don't know myself. I can't make the simplest decision. I have become so depressed and anxious that I decided to try one more time to get off Adderall, about two or so weeks ago. The first time I went off, I was in rehab for something else and it was incidental to the other rehab. I was in Arizona and it was January. My bleeding painful fingertips healed while I was there and when I got home, I figured it was the warm, dry, weather. I eventually, rather quickly, got back on Adderall. Now, four years later, I'm free of Adderall for about one or two weeks; having tried to wean down the dose. I never attributed it to Adderall, but my feet and toes hurt and my thumb and fingertips had painful, bleeding, cracks/fissures that made it hard to hold a pen or type. So...two weeks into this experiment, now taking 30 mg/day of Cymbalta due to extreme depression, I notice...fissures are completely closed and healing like some magic thing happened! And it's winter and it's 0 degrees and I'm NOT in Arizona. I'm in the same weather that caused me to need gloves all the time and no amount of lotion would sooth the cracks. Oh, I also am now pre-diabetic and there is no diabetes in my family, I weigh 127#, and I eat green smoothies and whole grains, white meat chicken, a little chocolate now and then, etc. It's just weird. I looked up this site and wow, read the stages of adderall addiction and now I know why my anxiety has been off the charts. I had all of it; almost into the final brain damage phase. It's terrifying to me because even knowing how shitty I feel on Adderall, I am not sure I can abstain in the future. I was never able to stop it for more than a few days; a few weeks if lucky; and the one time, while in rehab for 10 weeks. I have to stay on this forum. I was at NA a few months ago and gave up trying to quit; getting that relief from use with the first dose; then the second day, no sleep and feeling shitty again. Then telling myself, those addicts are abusing Heroine and Meth and they will laugh at me if I tell them I'm trying to stay off adderall. In fact, once someone told me, if you have ADHD, you don't need to stop it and it's ok; not an addiction. This roller coaster has to stop. I just want to work and not feel so terrified all the time. Thanks to anyone reading and please comment if you have any thoughts. I feel unmotivated, insecure, indecisive, and very scattered. Thank you!