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jasonl2017 posted a topic in Tell your storyHi everyone. My name is Jason. Before I go into a little of my story I'd like to tell anyone reading this that I relapsed (again) last week. Much like I have time and time again, month after month, I went back to what I know. The thing I hate most. Last month on the 5th (my birthday) I shamefully refilled another script and thought about being 24. It was hard processing that. It was also hard processing that it had been just under 4 years since I first had been prescribed adderall. Four years filled with the highest highs very quickly being followed by the darkest, lowest lows of my life. I cannot tell you the number of times I thought about and entertained the idea of ending my own life during those four years. I'd find myself month after month awake for days, running around tweaked out of my mind. During the darkest period of my use, I had three full psychotic breaks. Completely detached from reality, irrational and convinced that organized gang stalking was real. That people were following me, that they had cameras watching my disgusting, abhorrent behavior. I have used during most of my five year long relationship with my boyfriend. Several times I almost busted through his door banging on it at 3 or 4 am thinking that he was cheating on me. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you the rest. All of this is rushing through my mind on my birthday along with the drugs. I really tried to use properly, like I always tried to do and failed. I had a million reasons to run as far away from adderall as I could go. But here we are again. Of course I couldn't use correctly, it was just like any other month. Every day of this bender was usually a shame-filled mess of me crying. And I realized that I was sick of it. Wanted to be off the roller coaster I had to quit. I bought the narcotics anonymous handbook to read on my iPad (spoiler: it painted a picture of myself to a T, highly recommend), downloaded a sobriety tracking app and did it. I made it through the holidays! I was tired everyday and only watched to binge watch Netflix and eat whenever I was awake, but it wasn't too bad. I had a three-week break off of school which helped a lot. One of the reasons I knew this would be the best and probably only time I could quit and have a somewhat advantage of three weeks ahead to recover with no schoolwork or classes, etc. Each day I really loved the days adding up on the sobriety tracker. It filled me with pride about the choice I made and gave me a little bit of joy each time I hit one of the 'milestones'. Trying not to make this sound like an ad but all joking aside it really helped. I was getting more social each day and doing more work around my place. Feeling like I was going to be alright. Then school started back on Wednesday and right off the bat I had a big project I needed to start on. It was a group project so I had to build an iPhone app to spec in 5 days with 2 other students in my class. Terrible terrible terrible way I had to start class off. The whole first day I had no motivation. Wrote maybe 50 lines of code and moped around all day complaining about my tiredness. I already knew that tomorrow (Thursday) was the day of my appointment because the doctor's office automated appointment reminder called a few days earlier, ruining pretty much all of the progress I had made over the previous 2 weeks. As soon as I got that message I felt a pit in my stomach. i just needed an excuse. And what better excuse than needing my energy and focus back to do this project. I remember driving in my car when that slow burn started to happen and as it got stronger and stronger, I felt that the feeling of relief I used to get during this time was replaced with terror and shame. I sat there alone crying my eyes out. Now fast-forward to today: my tracking app shows "1 day" again. It shows my first attempt, and now it shows my week of use. But hey, that's okay! I need to learn through this process to go easy on and love myself. And finally! Here's what I'm proactively doing / have done to keep myself far away of any situation that will cause me to use again: - I called my doctor's office and cancelled my three-month refill appointment while also letting them know I have decided to no longer be treated for my ADHD (that one hurt just a bit to do, lol) - Let my boyfriend know about my attempt at quitting, my relapse, and my future. I had already used half of my script (30 pills) but I flushed the rest of them with him there with me. - Had him also tear up the other two printed scripts (all of these steps killed me honestly) - Made an account here with you guys so I can converse and let you know how it's going for me and also have some accountability. I'm not naive. I know this will be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I want to find myself again -- the person adderall stole from me. Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit of my story. I'm going to eat a good lunch and then go back to bed for awhile. -Jason
So I'm just over a week off adderall and I've been looking for a new job because I don't like the 1) reputation I have at my current job and 2) feel like this is a new phase of my life so it should be starting with a new job. Anyone else had this feeling after quitting and if you followed through, did it work out well? I think I nailed the interview which is really good for me being as I was totally sober during it. But part of me is a little worried I won't be as on point if I decide to take this new job. Thoughts?
ally posted a topic in General DiscussionI am on day 64 without Adderall. I am wanting a Ritalin today I am overwhelmed and have such bad anxiety idk what to do. Does anyone have any info that states ur brain is automatically set back to the first stage by just a little? Doesn't any progress help? Is giving urself a little after doing so well the worst thing ever??? Answers please :/
I didn't believe in love. Sophomore year of college, that all changed. I met her. Adderall. I was in the library with a group of students. I mentioned to my peers I had a big test to study for the next day. One of my classmates mentioned his prescription to Adderall and how it could help me stay awake. He had 20 mg XR and sold me two of them for ten dollars. I carried them to my car, where I saw a friend walking. She, too, was prescribed Adderall and I explained how I had just bought a couple and was scared to take them. She got in my car as I gave her a ride home and told me to take it sooner than later to avoid staying up all night. I almost cried when I took the pill because I was so scared. I didn't want to feel unlike myself. But when I got to work, I felt something I'd never felt before. It was almost like heaven. I was extremely motivated to clean, to talk to customers, to take care of any business that needed handled. I paid extreme detail to everything. I decided I could drink an energy drink. My heart raced fast. I also felt my appetite suppressed. I stayed up all night writing notes for my test, and ended up getting an A on the test. I felt like a rockstar. College had knocked me down and hit me with some failures in quite a few ways, and Adderall made me feel like I was on top of the world. At least for a little while. I started buying most of his pills. He relied on me to remind him when his prescription was ready because, like clockwork (like a true addict) it was at the top of my priority list. I started finding more and more dealers. I would buy them all out. I was taking upwards of 150 mg XR per day, plus energy drinks and Ritalin & Straterra (which i was able to get myself prescribed). I started snorting the pills to feel the effects harder. And taking puffs of my inhaler to get my heart racing. Keep in mind that I am a 110 pound female. I stopped eating most meals and drinking water. I became very frail, and unable to workout. Before, I was a very social person, a mediocre student, a lazy worker, an incredible loving and caring friend. But with Adderall, I became a different human being. I focused all of my time on work, making money just to spend it on my Adderall habit. It was a cycle. I started focusing on projects by myself, doing my homework very efficiently, and even doing several friends homework for them. I became very interested in everything, but saw my genuine passions fade. Adderall gave me, as I'm sure it has for you, a sense of false confidence. I thought I was the queen, for a minute at least when my pills peaked. But when I came down, I became very self-aware, very self conscious. A once confident and full of life girl looked herself straight in the eye in the mirror and couldn't tell you one single good thing about herself. A once creative artist and writer tore up every single thing she'd ever created because she doubted its worth, and her own. I began masking this pain with getting extremely fucked up and blacked out, once overdosing and getting a concussion. Still none of this was a red flag for me, and I continued to let my body deteriorate as well as everything I ever believed in. I became very distant from everyone. I was never really present. If I was in your presence it was probably fake, with my mind trying to figure out how I was going to get more Adderall. I forced myself into isolation, only to realize in a several weeklong binge comedown that my mind and lack of self respect was the driving force behind this addiction. The next couple months were painful. I smoked a lot of weed and gained a lot of weight. I spent a lot of time sleeping, a lot of time I'd missed while being strung out. I eventually told my parents, as well as my counselor that I'd been manipulating him to get pills the entire time I'd been seeing him. I never really felt like I had any real motivation to quit, though. I continued to get blacked out drunk, and when I wasn't sleeping or working, I was smoking weed. The weed only continued to make me doubt myself, as a student, a friend, and an artist. I continued to destroy everything I created, rip up any evidence that I had any thoughts outside of the fake image that I was portraying. Never fully recovering, I relapsed. But this time, the Adderall made me feel like shit the entire time. From start to finish. I felt guilty the second I ingested it, and the next twelve or so hours I spent frantically trying to cope with the decision I made to do so. I admitted to my boyfriend that I'd been taking adderall again, and he explained how he'd felt let down even though it was me who had to deal with the consequences and shame. My Adderall usage wasn't only affecting me, though. It was affecting my mood, and my attitude toward everything. I saw myself becoming increasingly negative yet again, and I realized that this is not who I was made to be. I keep coming back to this thought, and I think it's what keeps me from trying to get pills ever again: I am stronger than my demons. I think that this is the simple truth for getting over any addiction. I don't personally believe that I need to go to AA or stop having a beer or go to a 28 day rehabilitation center. For me, I just needed to outsmart my demons. If you have an Adderall addiction problem, I'm sure our "demons" are similar. 1 I am a perfectionist who does not deal well with failure. 2 I like to please others, and I absolutely adore attention and approval 3 I have a "I'm dying/I'm losing time" complex, where I think relaxation is laziness All I had to do, honestly, was get to know myself a little, and as cheesy as it sounds, stop caring so much about other people's opinions. It's good to try hard and do well, but not at the cost of your health, physical or mental. I know that Adderall and other psychostimulants (such as Ritalin, Concerta) do not make me feel good. I also know that they are not necessary to my wellbeing or my happiness, as I feel the happiest and healthiest I've ever been currently. I wish you the best in your journey back to yourself. I pray you are able to regain your passions and your love for life as I am slowly but surely. You don't need Adderall to focus, and you don't really need to stay awake to study for your final THAT bad. So here is my declaration: I'm adderall free.