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  1. ugh. relapse

    so i have to come clean, if for no other reason than i owe it to this site for all the help and support it has provided me over the years. this may very well be a TRIGGERING post for some, but i really needed to get this out there. --- i quit cold turkey a little over 2 years ago, and while it wasn't easy by any means, i was never tempted to go back to that life. for those that don't know, i was a binge user. 150mg+ a day, awake for 5 days a time, absolutely annihilating my body and mind. i would blow through my script in a week and half, then just drag myself through life for 3 weeks until i could get high again. it was like that for at least 3 years of my 6 year addiction. when i finally decided to quit, i had been on Wellbutrin for a few months already which i continued for another few months to ease the early recovery process. i then quit that cold turkey as well. basically for two years, i've been "kind" to myself- not pushing myself beyond what was required at work, not forcing myself to get into hobbies, gaining tons of weight, etc. most of my evenings would be spent watching 4+ hours of TV. i had no motivation to pursue my passions (music and writing), i could hardly motivate myself to do even enjoyable things like videogames- it seemed like too much effort. but i kept telling myself, it's okay- be kind to yourself. to be fair, it worked for a while. i also smoked a good amount of weed, but there were also periods (months) of being completely clean. it wasn't until recently that i started realizing a powerful depression taking hold of my life. it wasn't a sadness, or loneliness- i have plenty of friends and a loving girlfriend. it was an inability to enjoy their company, an inability to do anything productive, an inability to affect my situation. my work started slipping- at some point i was doing barely an hour worth of actual work a day. thankfully im at a small company with basically the equivalent of tenure here, so frankly i could probably get away with it forever. but that's not what i wanted for myself. i wanted to thrive again. well TLDR, i decided i was going back to my pdoc to get back on Wellbutrin as it had been helpful in the past. at first, it was ONLY Wellbutrin on my mind. then slowly as the appointment drew closer, the temptation set in. i thought to myself: "man, my tolerance is probably way down now" , "maybe ill just get 1 script, just to jumpstart my life back on track"... then there was a fuck it moment. "im gonna God Damn get some Adderall, and enjoy it for a little while." and so i did. pdoc started me on Wellbutrin and 1/3rd of my adderall dose from before. no surprise- i blasted through that adderall script in about 9 days. i was awake for almost 5 days straight- shaking, twitching, geeking out. but shit- i knew that was going to happen. so now its 2 weeks later. there wasn't much of a rebound from the bender, maybe a day or two of grogginess. i feel fine- in fact i feel great. the wellbutrin is absolutely helping. i'm a bit more motivated at work, looking around for a new job, getting back into writing poetry.. but that next appointment is coming up again in a week... i honestly don't know what's going to happen. thanks for reading.