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Found 5 results

  1. Please Help... :(

    Hi, It's been 2 months since I quit, and it's not getting better. I've never been skinny without Adderall. It's the only thing that's ever been able to take my mind off of being obsessed with food. And that in itself was the biggest fucking relief. Especially because for what I want to do (music and acting), I HAVE to be skinny. There's a problem though - I'm a little addicted to Adderall. I didn't take more than I was prescribed, ever. Just 20mg a day. But that was enough to get me soaring high. I've wasted a lot of time on it, doing things I thought were important, that really weren't. I've isolated myself, and not cared about having friends or living life because of it. Just being skinny. And I took it on the weekends, even when I wasn't doing school, because I didn't wanna be hungry. So I decided to go off it, and see what happened. Now, I'm on the other end of the spectrum. The good news is my personality is better, I like to talk to people, and I'm nicer. The bad news is the weight is piling on, I can't stop eating, and all I wanna do is lay around and watch TV all day. Some days I gets bursts of motivation and go workout and eat healthy and do my online college. But most days I fail. I haven't gotten the motivation to write songs again. I didn't use to be this way before I ever took Adderall. Did Adderall mess up my brain for good? Do I have permanent ADD/Depression now? I don't know what to do. If I could be motivated and eat healthy and workout without it, I'd be better off without it overall. But that isn't what's happening. And I sleep 10 hours a night now - I never used to do that. Why is my brain not going back to normal?? I'm struggling, wanting to go back on it so I can be skinny again. I can't do what I love (music and acting) if I'm fat. I just can't. But I also don't wanna isolate myself from the world again. I don't know what the answer is. There are no Adderall support groups I can go to (not that I've been able to find). If anyone help give me some advice, it would be greatly appreciated. I know if I go back to a psychiatrist, they will tell me I NEED Adderall, just to make their money.....and that's not what I want. I want someone to tell me the truth. I've been signed to a major record deal before. I've got lots of followers online. I've got millions of views. I live in LA. I have the writing abilities. i have what it takes, to make things start happening for me again, I know I do. But I'm not moving forward. I've been at a standstill the past few years. Everyone gave up on me, and someone told me about Adderall, and it's been keeping me sane these past few years, and motivated to get my career back on track, but....despite the motivation, I haven't moved forward. I don't know if it's Adderall, or what it is that is standing in my way, but all I want is to do the thing that's gonna make me the most successful. Whatever that is - that's the thing I want to do. Whether it be sober, or on pills. So if anyone has any advice or opinions - please let me know. I'll be forever grateful! Sincerely, A v confused girl in need of some help.
  2. Sigh…. I'm feeling frustrated, tired, lazy, semi-depressed. I'm come so far, I mean 3 1/2 years!! I am proud of of that. When I was coming off of adderall, I went through serious withdrawals that f#*%n sucked so badly. Days/months I wouldn't even get out of bed. When looking back I realize just how far I have come, there are now days where I am very productive, and so full of life. I have to really push myself to do anything. There also are still days I don't want to do anything at all. I've spent the last three days not doing anything just moping around the house. I've been drinking a lot and eating like shit. I have more emotion that I can deal with. No adderall to numb this emotion, so I've been numbing through food and alcohol. I feel everything and at times it can be really tough. I probably have low energy because of how I am treating my body but just can't seem to pull myself out of it. No energy to work out, no energy to eat healthy. When I don't drink I tend to have a lot of anxiety. I've gained a lot of weight (30lbs) that also frustrates me so much, and is a source of my depression and loss of confidence. Makes me spend a lot of time alone, because i don't have the confidence to date. I am missing my zest for life- spent the last couple days researching different medications- Provigil, wellbutrin. Provigil sounds too good to be true and I'm worried it will be the same is adderall, I don't want to relapse and I refuse to. Thinking maybe wellbutrin will help. There is no way I will go back to adderall but I am seriously down right now and am worried about the thinking pattern that I am caught up in. Planning to talk to my therapist this week to see what she thinks. Is there anyone else feeling the same way? Or have been here and pulled themselves through? If so how… Although I rarely post this site has been a huge help for my recovery since day one. You guys get it. You are the only ones that get it. Please help.
  3. Already Losing My Post Adderall Weight Gain

    Wow so I just got back from my sisters bridal shower. I was pretty nervous about going because since I got my last prescription I've gained almost 50 pounds. But i've already lost 15 of the pounds that I gained since my last script. Although i've only been completely clean for 3 weeks, my body has been trying to balance itself out since June, 2014. But today I tried on my dress i'll be wearing at the wedding and it's already really loose on me and I have to get it altered. I got a lot of feedback on how good I look too! I drove back just ecstatic!! Seriously once you get passed the low self esteem that follows quitting, that right there feels better than any drug. Because when you're clean, you can ACTUALLY enjoy it, instead of lying to yourself like I used to do ALL the time. If you have problems with post adderall weight gain, trust me your body will balance itself out. You do have to try, but eventually it will work out. I can't wait to see what else I can accomplish. Life is just great right now. <3
  4. Hey guys, Hope all is well and everyone is having a great weekend so far. I have to admit something to all of you because I want to keep it 100% and I want to be as honest as possible. This morning I went to the wellness doctor/appointment my boyfriend got me for my birthday, which I asked for and wanted. It went well but I have to say, I have gained 20-very-unwanted-and-noticeable-lbs in the last 4 months and I am not happy about it and it's been driving me crazy (because I have been working out and eating kinda healthy). I guess not hard enough. I think it was the combo of quitting Adderall and being just on Zoloft and Birthcontrol, 2 medications known to make women gain weight -- me esp. The Zoloft made me crave crazy foods that I have never eaten and I wasn't even raised eating like white crabs and cookies and I would eat a full-balanced meal and still be hungry right after and it was very unnormal for me. But what is normal these days? And I don't want to make any excuses. They put me on some crazy ass 800cals a day diet. Um what? And gave me a B12 shot in my ass. They also gave me a daily multi-vitiums, stronger B12 pills (because I can't come in for the shots the next 2 weeks; my boss is going out of town and I have to do all her events including mine) and an appetite suppressant called Phentermine. Phentermine is a "…short-term (you can only take it a few weeks) adjunct in a regimen of weight reduction based on exercise, behavioral modification and caloric restriction…" and is a stimulate… I believe a Stage 4 and Adderall is a Stage 2. Way milder than Adderall but if I take it does this mean I relapse? And all that I have worked so hard for, will it all be gone and for nothing? I have a 2 week supply, they just gave me it at the appointment with all the other supplements and I told them my history with Adderall. They said it's fine. Part of me feels guilty as hell and I don't want to let you guys down or myself but another part of me just wants to take it for 2 weeks to get a jump start on my weightloss and help speed up my metabolism again. I don't know what to do. If I knew the "appetite suppressant" was going to be a stimulate, I probably wouldn't have gone. Maybe I was just being naive because I am so desperate to lose the weight I put on. For my job, I am in front of or on a small stage of a large group of people, anywhere between 15-60 people (teaching them to paint) and I don't want to think people are staring at me and judging me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. Maybe I need to go talk to someone? But my new health insurance starts the beginning of June. Words of advice, anyone who is in or has been in a similar situation or suggestions, please help and let me know. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  5. Hi! My name is Lauren & this is my story. The first time I ever took adderall I was fifteen years old. It was the second to last week of my freshman year of high school and I will never forget it. I took two 20mg extended release tablets and was cracked out for a solid 48 hours. I was on an emotional roller coaster however I immediately knew this pill would be the "magic answer" to all the problems I was facing at the time. And it was. It took a lot of effort to get my parents to take me to my doctor and test me for ADD but it was worth it. After several tests and surveys I was prescribed. I lost the 20lbs I had been trying to get rid of for the last two years. I had the energy to make the cheerleading team (I got cut the summer going into my freshman year) I improved my grades from barely a 3.0 to a 4.3 I was the person I had always wanted to be. I was prescribed for seven years until things really got out of hand. My junior year of college is when things really spiraled out of control. I became obsessed with losing weight. I had also built up a very serious tolerance and was in a pretty scary routine of taking a wayyyy higher dose of adderall than was prescribed to me. I had somehow talked my doctor into prescribing me 80mg a day. I did this by explaining that some days I liked to take 40mg extended release and some days I liked to take instant release. It just depended on what my classes were like that day. This was a lie, obviously. Either way she wrote a script for both which equalled out to 80 mg a day for 30 days. However, I still would run out in two weeks. Here was my routine: I would lay out 3 20mg pills next to my bedside and set my alarm one hour before I needed to wake up. For example if I had a a 9:30 class I would set my alarm for 8:30. I would then take the three pills (60 mg) of adderall and go back to bed. I would then let the adderall wake me up about 45 min later and take a fourth 20 mg pill. Then I would take another 20 mg around noon and then a sixth 20 mg around 3:00. I would take AT LEAST 120 mg of adderall every day. Many times I would take much more than this because I would consistently pull all nighters. I was in a few art classes which I would become obsessed over making everything perfect. Often people in my sorority would ask me why I was always wandering the house in the wee hours of the night and I just continued to blame it on a big work load. This was a lie. I was taking massive amounts of adderall to get skinny. I lost 25 lbs in two months. I was irritable, tired all the time, I had sores on the inside of my mouth from biting my cheeks, I was basically miserable. I would run out of my dose in two weeks and then buy more off of friends. I had basically hit rock bottom. I would go to the gym and look around and see other people who were NORMAL working out because they cared about their bodies and their health. All i wanted was to be normal. I wanted to feel proud of my achievements and know I did things on my OWN not just because i had adderall to get me through. I knew what I had to do. I was leaving for Los Angeles that summer to complete an internship. I was cracked out on adderall the night before my flight left and got no sleep. Right before I left for the airport I took the adderall out of my suitcase and stuck it in a pile of things my mom was going to ship to me later. This was the only way I could get myself to leave it behind. I knew I didn't want to live like this anymore but I had to know that if I REALLy needed it I could get it back. Sure enough I was in LA, my adderall was thousands of miles away, I was putting on weight- fast, and I was going through some serious withdrawls. For four days I couldnt get out of bed until at least 5pm at night. However, I kept having faith that I would get through it. I honestly felt drunk the first few weeks off adderall. My body didn't function properly, I could barely drive because I felt so disconnected and could hardly think straight. The weight gain was the worst part for me. I had worked so hard to lose the weight and was TERRIFIED of putting it back on. This is when I called my mom. "Hey mom, you know that box of stuff in my room you were gunna ship to me? Yeah I really need it, could you send it out tomorrow?" Of course she had no idea my adderall stash was in there and quickly agreed. I hung up and immediately regretted my decision. THIS WAS MY CHANCE. THIS WAS THE TIME. THIS WAS WHEN I WAS GOING TO BE STRONG. STRONGER THAN MY DEPENDENCE ON THIS STUPID DRUG. I called back. "MOM DONT SEND ME THE BOX. My adderall is in there. I'm addicted to it. I don't want it. I want to be normal, I want to do this on my own, I want my personality back. dont send it" I was crying & so was she. She told me she was proud of me and to be honest I was proud of myself. The entire month was extremely hard. It was the first time in seven years that I had completed even the most simplest of tasks without the help of adderall. I had to show up to my internship every day and complete what was asked of me and it took alot of effort on my end. All the while I was gaining weight. This was the worst part. When I came back from my internship I had gained about 15 pounds. I freaked out and thought "theres no way I can go back to school looking like this" I searched through my parents medicine cabinets and found my adderall. For three days I took it to to lose weight and was right back where I was before. Not sleeping, irritable, miserable, depressed. This is when my big breakdown occured. I WAS NOT going to do this anymore. I had gone three months without it. Who cares if I gained some weight. My personality was back and I was not going to slip back into the dark place I was when I was addicted to adderall. I COULD DO THIS. I sat on my bathroom floor bawling my eyes out. I tossed each pill one by one into the toilet and with each one I said a reason I would never take adderall again. For example, "I am happier without it." "My body is better off without it" "I can be who I want to be without adderall" "I feel good in taking credit for my accomplishments when I am not on adderall" etc. This day was a day i will NEVER forget. After a few weeks at school I came home for a checkup with my doctor. I confessed my serious addiction and how I had overcome it. She ended up confiding in me that one of her patients who is severely addicted to adderall is now trying to get pregnant. This patient can not get herself to quit adderall and is in a horrible place because she wants to have a baby (which you obviously cant be taking amphetamines while your pregnant). Often people would ask me "you had only one more year of college why didnt you just quit when you graduated" and this is what I tell them.... IT IS NEVER AN EASY TIME TO QUIT. If I wouldve said "Oh Ill quit when I graduate" then it would have turned into "Oh ill quit when I get a job. Oh ill quit when I get this promotion. Oh Ill quit when I find a boyfriend. etc. etc." I have been off adderall for one year and one month and I CAN NOT BELIEVE how far I have come. Sometimes I get on this site and read people struggling with the fight to quit and I know EXACTLY how they feel. It gives me goosebumps thinking about the three weeks of my cold turkey quitting of adderall. But here is what i can say YOU CAN DO IT. YOU HAVE TO DO IT. NOW IS THE TIME. THERE WILL NEVER BE AN EASY TIME. It may seem like there is no way you will ever function without adderall but you will. And once you start to complete tasks without it you will feel elated. I specifically remember calling my eye doctor and ordering contacts and I felt like the happiest girl in the world after I hung up the phone. Adderall is not who you are. It does not define what you are capable of and once you conquer this you will understand what you truly are capable of. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! You have to believe in yourself. I am truly happy to offer any suggestions and answer any questions any of you might have. You are not alone and you will be better people because of your struggle with this drug. Peace, Love, & Choose Happiness! Lauren