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Found 5 results

  1. Hello! I haven't posted for a while because to be quite honest i haven't really thought about adderall a whole lot since quitting it. I have had some genuinely happy times since quitting and do not regret the decision to be clean at all. As of recently though I've had an extremely hard time focusing on life's responsibilities and actually getting them done seems to require what feels like a super human amount of willpower. I am getting dangerously close to the exact same mentality that led me toward getting on adderall in the first place although i don't want to ever go back to it. I told myself after a year of going off adderall I would reassess my life and decide whether or not it was worth it to stay off or get back on and although im not satisfied with my life right now, I REFUSE to start taking it again. I know it will help me get a crazy amount of shit done in the short term but after that I'll be hooked and EVERY good thing that came from quitting will once again be lost. That being said I'm also at the point where i can no longer take things slow and just focus on not being addicted. For the past year I've avoided anything college and career related, and my only real form of productivity has been work. I'm 23 and i live at home with my parents while i work fulltime/part time at a hospital as a cook (dead end job for me). I'm at the stage in my life and recovery where i really need to fight to get myself back on track for a healthy and at least financially stable life, and i'm getting VERY anxious and having doubts on whether or not I'll be able to accomplish these goals. the thing that really scares me though is the possibility of me still feeling depressed and anxious after i complete these goals. When will this anxiety and depression stop? I know i can force my way through college and finding a career but is that gonna make me happy? Once i accomplish the goals i set there's always gonna be new problems to take the place of old ones..
  2. Hey Everyone, I just want to tell my story and I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks... Basically, I have built a fraudulent life based on my use of adderall. I used it to get through college, but the real thing is that I used it to create a booming business. I won't get into all the mundane details of my story but basically I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 3rd grade so I know that I have some kind of attention disorder... But I hated taking the ritalin and so I got through high school by the skin of my teeth without any medication... I am a fun loving goofball of a person and I always HATED homework, studying, anything tedious etc... Anyways.... after years of recreational drug use... opiates, marijuana, alcohol, benzos, (of which i became addicted to opiates) I started taking adderall while I was recovering from opiates One night while high on adderall I downloaded an illegal version of photoshop and started playing with it for the first time. I became somewhat obsessed with photoshop and graphic design, so I decided to buy a camera so that I could edit my own pictures. I would take suboxone and adderall and the crash of adderall never really bothered me... I was going a mile a minute... creating elaborate photographs and digital imagery... I started posting my work online and immediate got a job doing photography, people wanted to buy my photographs and I thought hey! I could finally have my own business, be my own boss and make great money doing what "i love"... It was a dream come true... Over the next 3 years, I continued to use adderall with and without a perscription... taking whatever dose I felt like at the time and what the job called for... I learned how to make websites, do accounting, marketing, sales, and branched out my business to also do films and video editing... I decided to specialize in Weddings... because "thats where the money is" ... my business grow quickly and I began working for myself full time... eventually buying a brand new car and saving more money than I had ever in my life... I knew somewhere in my head that this adderall was unsustainable... and I told myself that one day I will be able to stop taking the adderall and the business will run smoothly... I would do things I enjoyed without adderall like meeting with clients, shooting the photos at the weddings, talking on the phone etc... but when it came to sitting at the computer to edit thousands of pictures and put together elaborate wedding films I knew I had to take that ADDERALL to get the job done right and quickly. I would binge on adderall and stay up all night and into the next day and then when the crash came calling I would do anything to take it away... alcohol, weed, xanax (which caused me to do a lot of dumb things) .... I would feel terrible for a week or so after my binge... but then when the time came it was back to the adderall to get the work done... Fast forward to January 2014 I was at the top of my game (or so I thought) ... I had booked 50 weddings for the year and I was on vacation in colorado, then in February there was a wedding in Key West, FL ... During this time I was extremely happy ... almost too happy... I felt more confident than I had ever in my life, I met and had sex, relationships with more women in 6 months than I had in 2 years... However, I would drink alcohol with or without adderall and would become obnoxious, I would binge on adderall, smoke weed and I scared away basically every woman I had met during that period. I knew something had to change, I couldn't live this reckless lifestyle and become the man I always wanted to become (I am 28 years old, still living at home with my dad, I don't pay rent, no girlfriend) I thought that maybe it is time for me to grow up and stop the adderall This was right at the beginning of my wedding season. I knew it would be hard to continue my success without the adderall but I was not prepared for what has come to fruition. depression, anxiety, uncertainty, low self esteem, obsessive thinking ... Maybe I really can't do this without adderall? Maybe I need adderall to function? I got through this summer without adderall except maybe once... it was truly a miserable experience... I don't know if even like the career or business I chose. I hate sitting at a desk, I hate editing videos, I hate being in an isolating job all by myself... I have way to much free time to lay around and do nothing... I believe that I never would have started this business without adderall I am now at the point where I don't know wether or not I want to continue to run this business, I care about the money but I don't want to live life as an adderall zombie... I have been extremely anxious and depressed about my life situation... I have tried to take adderall at lower doses, but I just feel so miserable when it wears off that I just can't bear to be on it... but then after a few days I say I need to take it to get my work done or i'm going to be a nobody in life. I truly don't know what to believe anymore, I see some people take adderall and have no issues... I wish I could live a full life without adderall but I feel deep inside that I will never be as successful and that I will regret quitting my career and business. I have had periods where I can't even get out of bed to shower, never mind go to work everyday. I have become so accustomed to making large amounts of money for minimal work and using drugs to achieve everything that I don't know how to function normally anymore. I may have to start my life over from scratch If you made it this far I sincerely thank you for listening to my story. -Mike
  3. Hey all, This is my first post here. I want to tell the story of my life over the last 6 years, how my life is now, and where I want to take it from this point. I have changed as a person since that first orange pill and I do not like what I have become. I hope I can find support here in order to get my old self back... the funny, caring, sociable, witty, kind, and sensitive person I used to be. Here it goes: I started taking Adderall IR back in my sophmore year of college because I was having trouble with my courses. I am a bright person and was in gifted classes as a child. I was simply not able to stay interested in my homework and studying long enough to get it done. I saw a psych and got a script for 20mg, once daily. Over the first 6mo of taking it only for school and study, my grades went from B-/C to A's. I was so pleased with this change and felt great about making the choice to take Adderall. Because I was now so successful in school, I began to feel confident in my everyday life, while not on the medication. I met a wonderful girl and we began a relationship. We moved in together after 6mo, and since January of this year, we have been engaged to marry in March 2015. I made her aware of my Adderall prescription early on, and she had no opinions about it so all was good. Over the first 6 months of taking Adderall for school, I would have extra pills left over and occasionally gave them to friends I would study with, etc. At about that time, I began to need more of the meds to get the task done and would start running out before next months refill. My doctor agreed to double my script to 60 tablets of 20mg. I was back in control now with the additional supply. I gave the extras to my study buddies, and even shared them with my girlfriend for her to study on. A year into my prescription, I started to take the medication for non school things like cleaning the house, getting things done at work, staying up late drinking with my friends(since alcohol makes me tired). Once in a while turned into a few days a week very quickly. I was getting spoiled by the superhuman ability to get things done while on adderall. I found myself taking 40,60,sometimes 90mg a day when i used. At this point it was not an everyday thing and i did not "crave" the drug, I just would take when I needed to get something completed. My sleep began to suffer, so my doc wrote me a script for Klonopin to help me sleep. I wasn't suffering from any side effects at this time. I strategically planned out the timing of my meals, etc so that I wouldn't lose weight. Looking back, I think this would be the time where I was beginning to plan my days and weeks around Adderall. in 2009, I graduated from College with a BS in Finance with Personal Investments focus. I now had no homework and thought about stopping my script. I did not stop it however, because I had been giving them to my girlfriend/fiance for a while for her studies and I wanted her to succeed like I had. I started taking the adderall when she did and would surf the net or clean the house, etc. I got hired by a big name investments firm 3mo after graduating and relied on my Adderall to get me thru the several licensing exams i had to complete. Every thing was fine during 2010, I was working and the GF and I would take Adderall. We never took it to the point where I would run out of pills early, but it was close. I would often have to ration them out. During 2011, our tolerances had grown and 60 20mg's per month were no longer adequate. My doc would not increase my dose. We would start taking a larger dose at one sitting, but compensated by not taking it as many days of the week. I found that I was starting to get lazy on non Adderall days... low motivation, very unfocused, sometimes a but crabby. I would save up things to do and knock them out over an 8 hour 90mg Adderall session. The same applied for my girlfriend, who had progressed to using not just for school. By the end of 2011, we found that Adderall was dictating our lives to a noticeable extent. We would buy some off friends when we ran out. This made me uncomfortable but I justified it with some sort of Adderall induced made up excuse or rationale. Over the next year, we continued to build tolerance and by 2012, I could handle 120mg a day and her 60-90. When I took Adderall during work, I turned into a supermachine. I was a top performer in my firm and was getting recognized and promoted. I would go to my interviews on Adderall which, looking back, prob got me the promotions. The success was not really me though, it was the Adderall. My boss's expectations of me were based on the levels of work I did on Adderall so I began to feel like a fraud. I would run out of my meds a week or more early, and had to buy from others to keep up the work performance. If I couldn't get some for a period of time, I would tell my boss I wasn't feeling well, blame things like bad luck, or simply call out sick. I was losing my motivation without adderall. After doing this routine for a year, I began to notice a lot of changes in my personality that had surfaced over the past few years. I was now anti-social....which was not how I was before Adderall. I had low interest in hanging with friends/family and would make up excuses as to why I didn't want to see them. I was taking so much adderall(120-140mg daily) that i was often fatigued. The day after a long adderall binge, I did not want to do anything or see anyone. My brain felt like mush and I physically felt like crap in general. I went out of my way to drink ensure shakes and eat healthy to help offset this. My sense of humor had all but vanished while on or off adderall. I stopped doing previously enjoyable activities like watching movies or listening to music, etc because those things weren't Adderall mindset tasks that I could satisfy myself by completing. Over the past 6 months, things have gotten to their lowest point. I am on written warning for work absence. I will take adderall too late in the day or too much and not be able to work the next day. Or I will be out of Adderall and not want to go to work because a workday without it sucks. This is hurting my performance on the job and I have not had a promotion in the past year. My life revolves around the drug, or the lack of it. When I get my monthly refill, my fiance and I go thru all 60 pills in about a week and then spend A LOT of money on Adderall from others to barely get us to next month. We often fall several days short and during that gap, our house turns into a mess, nothing productive gets done, and I find my ADD gets out of control. I will have a constant feeling of frustration because I don't have any Adderall and my extreme ADD behaviors often piss off my fiance. My fiance feels the same way and we fight more because we are grouchy over no adderall supply. We are not as close as we used to be because our common interest is adderall, which makes us self absorbed when we dose. So in effect, the Adderall is making us more distant. I have lost many of my friends because they got tired of being shot down when they invite me to do things. Here are the awful personality changes I have caused myself. I feel this way on and off adderall, with my longest off period being about 6 days..... I am unable to feel many emotions anymore. I feel like a shell of a person and most of my interactions with others seem like I'm just running thru the motions and feel fake. Everything in life has become task oriented and very serious. I look at everything thru a lens of what needs to be done and what is the fastest & most efficient way to do it. I have blinders on and miss the details of everyday life. I neglect my dogs sometimes because Im so self centered now. My memory sucks now and I often cannot remember important things that people tell me. I have these tics that I picked up from Adderall use. I hate the tics and others are annoyed by them as well. I have developed a panic disorder. I never had panic attacks until about a year ago. They are horrible and I thought I was having a heart attack the first time it happened, My fiance called 911, and I went to hospital in the ambulance, and spent 3 days there. They did every possible test related to my brain and cardio system and luckily found out that I am completely healthy. I was surprised that after this much Adderall abuse, my heart was in perfect shape. My Fiance hasn't abused as much or as long so she is prob fine, although her personality has changed like mine has. Also, we found ourselves not getting many important tasks accomplished on Adderall. I will get a wild hair and work on some pointless project for 5 straight hours which will end up being a total waste. The task was just something to stay busy with. I think that we are hooked on this medication because life feels boring without it and the tasks we do on the drug satisfy some awful adderall developed need/desire. We have essentially forgotten how to live our lives. I feel like I have to take the drug to do anything....... including social events, work, chores, even days alone at home. I hate the drug but I keep taking it. My fiance and I decided a couple weeks ago that we wanted to stop using Adderall. We made it 6 days before giving in to the temptation. I dug out my script from the kitchen drawer and had it filled. We proceeded to go thru all the pills in 5 days. That's 240mg per day between the two of us. I usually take 25% more than her, and I actually took about 180mg yesterday! Of course today I feel like complete shit because I went full throttle for the past 5 days, but also becaue I disappointed I failed my plan to stop. I have no more pills left, but I have several easy connections. I deleted their numbers and asked them not to sell me any if I ask, but I had done that before and it didn't work. If I want to get Adderall, I will make it happen. I am worried that I wont be able to stop before things get even worse. I am also concerned that my emotions are going to be stuck in a vacant state forever. I want my old self back. I want to laugh, love, and live. I want to be normal again. Today is day one of another attempt at quitting, and I worry it could become another fail. Please share any thoughts, ideas, words of encouragement, etc with me. I really want this.
  4. So, I got a new job and I start next week. It's a sales position. The company is good and the income potential is high. I'm very nervous because this is the first job I'll be starting in seven years without Adderall. My confidence is shaky because the last sales job I held was done entirely during the honeymoon phase of Adderall (though I keep reminding myself that I worked for four years in sales before that without it). My last job as an education administrator was good for quitting Adderall because I was a manager and it was slow paced, no real deadlines, etc. But, I believe I naturally perform better in a fast paced environment (like sales) where I am paid according to my performance, I don't have to manage anyone, and the goals/outcomes are very straightforward.. My last job involved managing a lot of people and I found it to be a unique combination of stress and intense boredom. I just feel so rusty work-wise, because I basically slacked off the past year and a half at my old cushy job and then three months of being unemployed. I know I'm stressing myself out for nothing, because I won't really know if I'm any good at this new job until I try it. I just hate that after nearly two years of being off it, Adderall is still fucking with me by making me doubt my ability to succeed without it.
  5. I'm Sitting Here at Work...

    And I'm unable to focus on anything that I should be doing. I should be building my business and doing what I always did on Adderall. But what if I chose the wrong field? I'm 5 days clean and I'm just watching the clock go by. I'm self-employed, but I forced myself to go into the office for the first time in a week today. I'm about 6 days clean from Speed and it's to be honest...it's pretty terrible right now. My dopamine and reward pathways are jacked up and it's hard to find happiness, especially when it comes to work. Any advice?