How awful it is to be addicted

[MaryTea]

How awful it is to be addicted
It’s April 22 2014, 19:21
I feel so broken and empty and miserable inside, and I’m going to walk in the rain before I write anything more.
(and adderall calls, and adderall calls)

ring

ring

ring

ring ring
persistant

ring

ring

I do not pick up

20:46
fresh outta treatment & I’ve got myself three part time jobs.
I make coffee, (and adderall calls, and adderall calls)
I assist scientists, (and adderall calls, and adderall calls)
and I’m a regular pedestrian
like the robin running ‘cross rainy roads
(and adderall calls, and adderall calls)
My heart feels heavy, almost too heavy to write

but I force it now, hoping for the tide to turn,
for my tangled mind to operate differently
in a more optimistic way,
assuming that it is truth that thoughts become reality
hoping that my mind will begin to operate in a way
that doesn’t leave me sitting motionless and heavy, 

 

staring blankly at walls
(and adderall calls, and adderall calls)

staring blankly at my piles of clothing that no longer fit,
my mess of belongings that have no home
accumulation of clutter and memories covered in dust
stuff—
that I am unwilling to let go of, (and why)

feeling a lump in my throat that wants to jump out in the form of a scream
directed at nobody in particular
“SOMEBODY HELP MEâ€

(and adderall calls, and adderall calls)

staring at the messages and the emails that I “need†to reply to
crippled by a feeling of urgency, but so strongly feeling held back from deciding to act
too many too much
like I’ve said too much, too many (times)
days pass months go by years dissappear
my life has become, what
I am so confused and I feel so alone
so emotionally disconnected
I keep thinking thoughts like “whats the pointâ€

(and adderall calls, and adderall calls) and I walk for hours,
hoping God will give me a sign through the shuffling of 6000 songs on an ipod
that short circuits as often as my neuron pathways
next, next, next
trying to hear his voice (me of so little faith) through song titles and lyrics
playing at random (because isn’t that the way he works)
((meanwhile wondering if anybody else spends time doing things like this))
what is the point
in going to work
minimum wage
wasting my days

forcing myself to get to the job
which I am grateful to have, but feel unfulfilled during
the long commute

the early mornings
the expectation
work, with no passion (where is my passion)
what do I want
or is that even what it should be about
Yesterday I moved a good chunk of my belongings to my new place 
where I will be living (soon)
with my best friend 

but still I am not happy.
Perhaps it is because I am not yet moved in.
I believed in order to be happy _
(hah, don’t we all)
Well, I believed that in order to begin my journey towards self love (true self love, not the self love I had found under the tainted influence of a capsule)
—in order to be on my way towards peace and joy and something better,
that I needed a sanctuary
and now it is happening, (I am on my way out ((again)) of the heavy toxic energy that I feel at “homeâ€
feeling the clash between mother and father
in my own DNA, a sort of tugging, within my skin)
but I feel no different.
Now my mind tells my that in order to be happy_
I need_
(external things, such as)
a)a functioning phone (like the functioning adults have)
smart phones for the smart adults
b)a laptop, my own cyber sanctuary with a wallpaper that makes me feel at home
 to begin blogging and browsing for inspiration
and perhaps that, would make it easier to be in touch (consistently)
with the ones that (still, incredibly) try to be in touch.
c)clothing, clothing that fits my body as it is now that it is not being starved to death by stimulants
perhaps the clothing could make me feel attractive, beautiful, put together
good enough
approachable
without a new wardrobe, I urgently need to lose the 30 pounds I've gained to fit into the old
 (and adderall calls, and adderall calls)
d)money, just money$$$
I could deep condition my hair to feel better because it’s not long and beautiful the way it was
I could buy buy
buy
(my thoughts disgust me)
shoes, boots, sunglasses, stuff— (armor)
for New York
because I feel like I, as I am, am not good enough cool enough smart enough passionate enough free spirited enough artisticly driven enough
 to be in New York
(and adderall calls, and adderall calls)
and to see Lykke Li

what a dream come true
(adderall doesn’t like the idea of not accompanying me on the pursuit of my dreams, ((while secretly distracting me from them)))
and so adderall calls, adderall calls—— voicemail
a whisper:
“adder,all or nothingâ€
I often feel stressed, overwhelmed, stuck, too small, incapable
and these feelings are so hard to fight, as I am weary and I am lonely
plagued by fatigue, hopelessness.
(can my mind really change these things?)
I am lacking motivation, because I am lacking a motive
I am lacking self esteem, because I feel I have lost myself
It is difficult for me to engage in conversation
with friends with family with strangers coworkers
socially stunted by the haze that surrounds my sense of self and my view of life.
But faith, we only need faith the size of a mustard seed
"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you."
A mustard seed < a pill
but faith, > infinite amounts of pills

 

[Zerokewl]

welcome to the board! Thanks for your wonderful poem. I look forward to more.  

[LILTEX41]

This is beautiful!! Keep that pen flowing girl!  You are the path to VICTORY and feeling GOOD again. 

 

So glad you shared.  Hug!

 

 

-I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.

 

Aristotle

[Freebird]

Mary Tea

Loved your poem! Thank you for sharing

[jaymeyer26]

Mary Tea,

Really beautiful and expressive of the way i have felt before.

This type of creativity is a glimpse of what we miss when we are on adderall. 

[SweetCarolinee]

Beautiful poem. I love Lykke Li. And Lana Del Rey

Once you give up the pill, you will give up the control it has on you.

I always thought Adderall was what made me, me and made me awesome and brave and now that I have been off of it since Dec. 28th of 2013, I have been even awesomer and braver. I don't get as nervous when I am public speaking, that nervous energy is gone now and when I am the only one teaching 40 strangers to paint, step by step, I'm on it and making eye contact. It's empowering. I would have never done that on Adderall, don't want people to see my addicted, blank eyes. It's kinda amazing to have all this freedom and not be under Adderalls spell any longer. I say FUCK YOU Adderall, I will never be your bitch again.

[Jon]

Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem, Mary Tea. It touches many of my feelings and states of mind I experience.

 

It makes me sad that Adderall calls to you after going through rehab, although rehab is no guarantee that a person is cured from having cravings. I hope you figure out a way, with help, to work with the cravings and find a way to overcome them. If you can adopt the attitude of SweetCaroline, you will lose those cravings quick!

 

Welcome to the forums. I hope you stick around. You have a natural gift for writing that is very stimulating and it would be kind of nice to have you around.

[Shambo]

W. O. W.

Preach.

I really hope you're doing well. I'm blown away by how much creativity you must have off of adderall- because adderall slowly sucks it all away. You have a gift. Many I'm sure. You were made to share it.

All the best to you. Xoooo