My Spark Is Gone

[Brook]

I am about a year and a half adderall free and I am way less than happy about the way things are going. To brief, I am 40 years old, female. Very healthy and take no medications...drink occasionally. I was about 31 or 32 when a doctor prescribed me adderall. I had never heard of it. I was instantly in love with it. I wasn't really overweight to begin with. 5'6" and maybe 140. How quickly I became about 123 lbs and not caring about food! I loved it! It's a wonderful drug for women because many of us like being thin. Not only was I thin but I could party! Single with no kids...I could drink anyone under the table and still walk and talk with no hiccups. I felt alive and untouchable! I looked good and felt great. I could stay up at all hours and get up and face the next day like a super trooper. This went on for several years. In this time I had two lengthy and turbulent relationships. Sex was astounding and I couldn't get enough. I felt like I was made of steel.

Fast forward. At the age of 37 I decided to quit adderall. I felt it was no longer working and I was worried about my health after reading up on side effects and long term issues. It was at this time I met the love of my life. I am a woman in a same sex relationship and I met a wonderful woman with three girls. After a few months off adderall, I was gaining weight at Mach speed and having moody ups and downs. I tried going back on adderall so I could feel like myself and it was awful. I plunged in deep depression and would cry incessantly. I was so scared my partner would think me nuts and hit the door. Thankfully she didn't. I quit adderall for good and it's been touch and go ever since. I knew I would have withdrawals and depression but I didn't know it would be this long! Will it ever end? I went from the 120's (weight) to about 160 at my heaviest. Due to changes in eating habits and exercising I am slowly getting back into better shape....but I sometimes feel like I will never be the same again. I don't get excited about things anymore. I have no clarity. I have goals and dreams but have no motivation or direction. My sex drive was lost to past partners who didn't deserve all that I had to give. I am not even sad I'm just numb. I have a wonderful partner and three step daughters and most of the time I can't emotionally or intellectually engage because I just space out and want to be alone. Can anyone give me a shred of hope? A glimmer? I used to feel like I had a soul...a fire in me and many interests and couldn't wait for the next day to see what it brought. Now I have a hard time just getting up. I know that after living alone for many years and now living with a partner and three children, it's going to be overwhelming. All of that happened simultaneously with quitting adderall...so it's been a bit crazy. Can anyone offer words of hope? Thanks and I apologize for the long post.

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the site and thank you for posting. I wish I had more answers for you,  I'm told the motivation and excitement returns I've seen glimpses of it within myself and more senior members tell of this coming back. I'm fighting hard with the weight gain also.  Despite these issues I feel good about myself and not zombie like,  I'm happy with what i've accomplished off adderall and I am never going back on it.  Welcome to our little community,  we are all here to support and be supported

[BeHereNow]

Hi Brook!

Welcome to our little quitting community and congratulations on a year and a half clean!

I think many people here struggle with some of the same issues you're describing. Even people who are well into sobriety, even a year and a half sober (as I am.). I too struggle with the spark.... Focus and motivation are still challenges and work is a quasi disaster right now. I'm just saying this because I want you to know you're not alone. But I believe there is still hope.

Life has it's natural rhythms. I think sobriety means learning to ride these rhythms. Substances like adderall are short circuits that deprive us of experiencing the fullness of life.

Weight fluctuates over time; inspiration and energy come and go. We throw ourselves into things, we burn out, we rest. Accepting these rhythms, and learning to work with them (rather than being overly hard on myself) has helped me perhaps more than anything.

I am finding that healthy eating, lots of raw veg, working out, plenty of sleep, being alcohol-free, vitamins, supplements, as well as certain meds (antidepressants) I'm now taking, help immensely with everything.

I think sex drive has it's rhythms too. People go through phases. The libido is part of our life energy. So it makes sense that if we are lacking life energy we are also low on libido. By the same token, all that adderall libido and spark you had was drug induced. That doesn't make it inauthentic necessarily, but I do think adderall eats away at the authenticity of people, work, love, and life.

It sounds like you have an amazing and supportive partner who isn't going anywhere. It almost sounds like she is being more patient with you than you are!

It will be back. I'm guessing you're still getting your energy back after all those years of using it up. Adderall is like a loan shark, you get to borrow energy from your future self, at a high interest rate, and as we all know it can take many, many years of hardship to pay off our debts.

[Cassie]

Sounds like you're doing good for 18 months. 5 years is a long time to use speed and it's a slow process to rehabituate yourself to reality. I felt much better after 2.5 years sober compared to 1.5 years. You're also not 20 years old so be patient with your brain/body and it will reward you in time.

[quit-once]

My spark comes and goes.  I love it when I can feel that spark and I suddenly get motivated and start doing things.  It reminds me a lot of when the speed started kicking in.....  but that was a drug- induced spark.  My natural sparks don't last as long or come around as reliably as those drug induced sparks.  But it is really cool to experience that feeling even a few times per month without Adderall in the mix.   At 3+ years, I am beginning to wonder if my motivation and enthusiasm will ever completely return too. 

[Greg]

I get that spark too sometimes. For me, It is almost the same as being on speed but it is much more tame and fleeting , I have had moments where I was inspired to write and think and create and then I try to wind myself down. It reminds me too much of being on the drug that screwed up my life.

[difflexx]

this is sad- i literally just wrote a post desperately asking the same thing. i don't want to feel hopeless but it's hard not to. i think we really have to commit to healing completely. your partner sounds amazing. stick with it! you have a support community here to help. look into the GAPS diet it really is a LIFE changer.

[Krax]

I am thinking that perhaps the previous motivation and enthusiasm we all felt and that we believe is missing - and I certainly experience this on a daily basis - is really the result of being now the wiser and that our pre adderall goal oriented personality was really the result of faulty thinking that has actually been corrected by our experience with and from using speed. Maybe our particular persoanlities are what made this drug so attractive. Does this make sense to anyone else? I don't have the enthusiasm I had before using, but when I think about my thinking back then, it was formed so much along delusional ideas that I now see as such. I don't believe I would have this realization now though, at least not so clearly, had I never gone through the abuse, addiction, and recovery.

I'm not trying to sound so remote and probably should give some specific examples, I'm just trying to generalize my theory. I guess I don't have the motivation and enthusiasm I remember having in pert because I see a lot of the thinking I use to have that probably had a lot to do with this M and E as bullshit. I think my current thinking is more accurate, and so ya I don't work under the delusions I use to, and as a result I have less enthusiasm, but I don't think I want to go back to being delusional either. I just have to find a way to get things done.

I hope this is helpful and I am interested if anyone else has a similar perspective

[quit-once]

Krax, I completely agree with your perspective here.  Spot ON!!  I used to think that maturity was something we achieved in our 20's.  But now I believe that mental and emotional and spiritual maturity constantly evolve through one's lifetime.  Sometimes I compare my behavior and ways of thinking to how I was pre-Adderall.  But I am really glad  I am where I am now, instead of constantly seeking that "spark" by any means possible.