CBA - Cost Benefit Analysis

[LILTEX41]

Hi everyone,

 

So I made an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I was actually going to ask her about getting back on Concerta because I have recently been struggling so much with eating.  In the past I would've just gone straight to the doc and said please hook me up.

 

However, tonight I did a cost benefit analysis and it reminded me of all the other problems that will return if I turn back to speed for a quick weight loss fix like I did in the past.

 

I suddenly remembered how when I was on those meds, I would be wired all day and need something to come down at night.  I remembered how those meds triggered the addictive beast within me and he'll want more and more speed.  I remembered how much he loves to drink alcohol along with the speed and how those two will then blend into a giant trigger for wanting more - pot, cocaine, and whatever else eventually.  And I remembered how awful hangovers are along with not enough sleep, blacking out, and spending money I don't have and drinking and driving on and on.

 

Tomorrow I have 3 years and 10 months clean from Adderall.  I am cancelling the appointment with my doctor and going to rely on my inner strength to stop using food as a drug and just do whatever it freaking takes not to walk down the dark path of destruction the way i have so many other times in the past.

 

My road to Victory is on this path of being clean and I need to remember that at all times.

 

Just wanted to share.

 

Love you guys!  Keep moving forward!

[Zerokewl]

So honest! I've been thinking the same thing.  Concerta never really fucked up my life the way Adderall did. I didn't even really consider myself addicticted to Concerta. Until I started taking it in combination with adderall, I didn't abuse Concerta until Adderall. It never really helped me lose weight the way Adderall did.  

 

You are right Concerta would just be a gateway to adderall and on the road to god knows what.   

 

   I don't know what the answer is to your weight issues. I'm a pretty big guy about 280 pounds. I'm trying to get control of my eating habits etc. Going back on speed is not the answer, just read some of the recent relapse threads.  At almost 4 years you've probably forgotten all about the crushing depression that followed getting clean.  There just has to be a better way to get our eating undercontrol. 

[LILTEX41]

Thanks Zerokewl!

 

I struggle when I am stressed out and turn to food the same way I turned to drugs/alcohol.  It is an emotional crutch.  It's been really hard on me this year ever since I started working from home.  I know the short term answer can be speed, but obviously this will just lead to a thousand other issues and it isn't a real long term based solution

 

The hard part for me is pausing,distracting, and making a better choice when I feel the tidal wave of emotion take over me.  Do you ever feel like that?  LIke sometimes, just out of nowhere you will get hit with something that feels so terribly upsetting and hard to bear that you just want the feeling to go away so you stuff yourself sick and then you are left with two problems,  I hate it, but I have had success in the past at times defeating this urge so I know I just need to get better at building up the muscle of resistance.

 

It's just that sometimes it still flairs up at times and when this happens I automatically want to run flying back to Adderall/add drugs and luckily thank god I don't have them on hand or easy access to them.  I can't imagine ever having to try and quit all over again.

[Greg]

Omg. Don't ever say you are thinking of going back on concerta so casually like that Lil tex. You completely freaked me out. Concerta will destroy your life all over again!

Edit -- didn't u just run a gazillion miles this past week in the ironman?

[Greg]

ZK, concerta is the same beast in the same company of vyvance, dexedrine, ritalin, adderall.

[LILTEX41]

I know.  I had  triggering thoughts, but thank GOD  I worked through them.   

 

I didn't finish the stupid race.  It was a disaster.  Got sick and just did half the swim and bike.

 

Thanks for asking!

[Greg]

Lil tex, knowing how much amazing advice you've given and how many people you have told your story to, and knowing how you are so fully aware of how stimulants destroy lives, including your own..it felt like you "fell under a spell and went into a trance" when you suddenly wanted to ask your doctor for concerta.

That is a scary thing , a reality, we as addicts have to deal with and be very weary of.

It's good that you know when you get these thoughts, you immediately come to the boards first. Maybe you should stay closer to this site until this blows over.

[Greg]

ZK I have such the opposite opinion of concerta than you do. I think it is the worst of the bunch and concerta grosses me out , and when I was at rock bottom, concerta was my stim of choice, .the important thing is not romanticize any of this crap as one better than the other -- they will all fuck you up equally. Period.

[LILTEX41]

Yeah, I know what you mean.  I am going to go read some stories.  I am just in a deep dark funk right now which made the concerta seem like a ray of light.  But I know it is not the answer.  Thanks for the reminder inrecovery.  Yes, this shit can sneak back up at any time and I have to be on guard of who I talk to about it as well. It is not a good idea to discuss this issue with someone who was not an abuser.

[mila490]

Thanks for sharing so honestly on here. I'm currently still at a point where I freak out when people ask me to go out or do anything because I feel so fat since giving up Adderall. The truth is that, while on adderall, I gained back all the weight I lost on it initially during the first year. So since quitting, I haven't gained much, but I'm up almost 20 lbs. from my lowest on-adderall weight.

I am tempted to go back on it when I think about upcoming events, etc., when in the past I would think, "Well thank goodness I can take adderall and lose some weight to fit into that dress." But now after that thought I, like you, also make myself think of my strange behavior, heavier drinking, and other negative side effects. We can have such a selective memory when it comes to this drug (and, I imagine, any addiction), but we can't let ourselves sugarcoat it.

Also, some practical advice- I recently read two books that might be helpful:

-Fit from Within by Victoria Moran: very easy read with 101 sensible tips. I have an all or nothing attitude usually, but this book helped me shift to more balanced thinking.

*This book also made me realize how badly I wanted to get off adderall- “You can’t be choosy about which monkeys you get off your back. It has to be all monkeys, one at a time perhaps, but all of them nonetheless.â€

-Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth: Don't be scared away by the title; the book isn't about religion or God at all. This book helped me identify some of the reasons why I turned to food and felt like I couldn't control myself around food. It also opened to my eyes to why I was constantly chasing a goal weight or going on a new diet - to feel like a had a purpose/goal, instead of looking at other areas of my life that might've been harder to face.

I wouldn't normally buy into this self help stuff, but I have to say these 2 books really did help me build a healthier perspective, which I desperately needed.

[Greg]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I am going to go read some stories. I am just in a deep dark funk right now which made the concerta seem like a ray of light. But I know it is not the answer. Thanks for the reminder inrecovery. Yes, this shit can sneak back up at any time and I have to be on guard of who I talk to about it as well. It is not a good idea to discuss this issue with someone who was not an abuser.

Lil tex, I am taking it you may have gotten the idea from a non abuser. be super careful when talking to non abusers!! I have some non abuser friends who joke about adderall like it is no big deal. But they don't know how truly bad it got for me. I completely ignore them. You NEVER want to be on that again. EVER. There is an addict side of your brain that might sneak up on you, and you have to watch out for that -- because it is your whole life at stake. I am not being extreme when I say that your entire life will come crumbling down. Don't let someone else's words trigger that.

[Zerokewl]

ZK, concerta is the same beast in the same company of vyvance, dexedrine, ritalin, adderall.

Kinda like comparing beer, wine, shooter to an alcoholic.  Stimulants are stimulants. 

[Zerokewl]

Yeah, I know what you mean.  I am going to go read some stories.  I am just in a deep dark funk right now which made the concerta seem like a ray of light.  But I know it is not the answer.  Thanks for the reminder inrecovery.  Yes, this shit can sneak back up at any time and I have to be on guard of who I talk to about it as well. It is not a good idea to discuss this issue with someone who was not an abuser.

 

I know for me working from home seriously sucked. I've been going to a cowork space for at least part  of the day. Being downtown and part of the land of living has really helped.  Its pretty inexpensive and better than going to Starbucks to work. I totally know where you are coming from it is just nice to get out of your head for a while some how some way. Working from home can be very isolated .   The co-work space I go to is International so they may have an office in your city.  http://www.regus.com/ 

[SweetCarolinee]

It's hard LilTex. I feel ya. I'm glad you thought this through, came here and didn't make any irrational decisions. Thank you for your post and your honestly. Maybe it's the harvest moon that was Monday or something because yesterday and the night b4, since quitting I have never thought about or craved Adderall so much and it sucks and was very confusing. I'm not sure if it was because I'm on my 'shark week' and have been very emotional and tired or what but it really sucked and like everyone said, I think I was romanticizing Adderall in my head and only remembering the good it brought and not the bad or negative side effects. 

 

Also, I was on pinterest (dangerous) and I follow a lot of my favorite and similar designers in my field around my age. I noticed all their new designs and how awesome they looked and was immediately jealous. With my full time job now, I don't have enough time to just create paintings, patterns, pillows and designs like I used too or work on Etsy as much, which sucks. Don't even get me started on the weight loss. It's hard balancing life in general and I was just thinking "If I had Adderall -- I could do my full time job and design my own stuff on the side and never sleep plus lose weight" but I would also, be crazy, depressed, become a ranging alchy, possibly get fired, fuck up my relationship and the list goes on…… 

 

It's hard and sometimes sucks but we will get threw it!

 

I think I feel too good, mentally to go back on it. I just need to learn some self control and make myself workout more. Today was the first time I went on a run since Aug. 8th.

[hyper_critical]

Hey LILTEX,

 

"If I could just ________________________________ (lose 20 lbs, get this work done, move out of my parents' house, work out x times a week, etc and so forth), I'd be happy." IS A LIE.

 

Guess what? You're pretty great just the way you are. So are you, SweetCaroline. And ZK. And everyone else on these forums. I know that's hard for a lot of us to accept, but it's true. 

 

When I start to forget this (usually because I've spent too much time away from other people and locked up inside my own head), it's not stimulants that are going to put me back in touch with who I am. It's reaching out and sharing how I'm feeling with someone I trust. Doing something good for somebody else. Or simply recognizing that I'm getting a little cray cray and doing nothing at all.

 

Currently, what I'm working on walking through is similar to Mila. I've put on 30-40 lbs since getting off Adderall (the first 10 of that when I was still on it...some of you who were as sick as I was know what I'm talking about!) and I've recently realized, outside of work, the rooms, and family, I've been avoiding putting myself back out there socially. "Until I get back in shape," that is...aka "feel good enough about myself" aka "avoid dealing with fear."

 

The funny thing is, I'm not really doing much about taking the weight off. So, it's really a trap to keep myself isolated, which eventually brings me to a place where I'm miserable, don't think I'm good enough, yada yada et cetera and so forth ------------------------> "Eh, what's up, Doc?" : )

 

I've learned this over the last year and a half: Life is an action program. Recovery is an action program. Going back to stimulants is not an option, and, quite frankly, I want to go through life as the real me. I like being a real human being. I spent so much of my life running away from me that I'm still only in the early innings of re-connecting with who I really am.

 

I'm not afraid of where life may take me anymore. I'm afraid of fighting it any longer. That's what almost killed me.

 

With love,

 

H-C

[LILTEX41]

Wow, you guys!!   Thank you so much for all the amazing support.

 

I AM SO GRATEFUL to be SOBER and CLEAN from Adderall.  And grateful I did NOT go back on it.  I am feeling so much better this week.

 

Mila, I will definitely check out those books at some point.  I have read some Geneen Roth books before and she's awesome. Thank you!

 

InRecovery, You are absolutely right.  I have to be super cautious when it comes to my recovery because I was abusing so many things that I know once I fall off the wagon and get triggered, the cycle will start all over again. I have gone down this road too many times and every time I relapse I want to do it all again.  I know that is my pattern and I know if I would've gone back to Concerta I'd be getting hammered and back on aderall in no time.

 

Z - how much do you pay a month to do that?   Have you made friends or new "co-workers" this way?  Sounds awesome.

 

Sweet Caroline - So proud of you girl!  It is NOT worth it.  I'm so glad we all recognize that.  There have been so many amazing gifts as part of my recovery and these are the things I need to cherish and treasure when I fall back into this warped addictive way of thinking.  I know that all my future gifts lie in the realm of recovery.  It is a hard battle at times, but today I especially realize that it is WORTH IT - ALWAYS.  I am so glad you are doing well.

 

HC,

 

Amen!  You said a lot of great stuff and  reminded me about how bad it is to isolate and of course that's what I've been doing which is really not helping me.  I am going to start my fitness journey again tomorrow.  I am saying this now so I actually do it. Today was day 2 of skipping morning gym again.  I just need to get the ball rolling. 

 

Anyhow, I am so grateful for this site. and all of you. I don't know if I'd still be clean without this amazing place to come and cheer each other on.  It always helps me to help someone else and I am so thankful ya'll are still here for me and one another.

 

Hugs!

[Krax]

I have news for you ladies on this weight thing: most guys don't like women that look like 10 year old boys anyways.  I, like many guys would rather have a woman have  excess weight then not enough, seriously. The media and the fashion industry are run by gay guys. They don't like women anyways. They create this impression of what makes a woman physically attractive, and it isn't what most straight guys want.  Isn't that what defines attractiveness?  What the opposite sex wants?  If I was single and I hit on a gal, and she was straight and rejected me, it would hurt my feelings. If she was a lesbian, I wouldn't care. See what I mean?  I am sympathetic to you ladies because I know it's hard to find clothes and all, but I just had to throw that out there.

[Cassie]

I have news for you ladies on this weight thing: most guys don't like women that look like 10 year old boys anyways. I, like many guys would rather have a woman have excess weight then not enough, seriously. The media and the fashion industry are run by gay guys. They don't like women anyways. They create this impression of what makes a woman physically attractive, and it isn't what most straight guys want. Isn't that what defines attractiveness? What the opposite sex wants? If I was single and I hit on a gal, and she was straight and rejected me, it would hurt my feelings. If she was a lesbian, I wouldn't care. See what I mean? I am sympathetic to you ladies because I know it's hard to find clothes and all, but I just had to throw that out there.

I don't have weight/body image issues myself, but from what I understand, women that do are more concerned about how other women see them rather than men. So the pursuit of skinniness is for other women. Not saying liltex or anyone has body issues, just what I've read about women with eating disorders and negative body image. And magazines are all about promoting an unattainable body image because their goal is to have you compare yourself to other women and buy their products because you feel inadequate.

[AlwaysAwesome]

I just really don't want to have to replace my entire wardrobe...seriously.  My husband is saying the same things Krax, and I know that they are true.  But, when you outgrow scrub pants...it is demoralizing. 

[Krax]

I don't have weight/body image issues myself, but from what I understand, women that do are more concerned about how other women see them rather than men. So the pursuit of skinniness is for other women. Not saying liltex or anyone has body issues, just what I've read about women with eating disorders and negative body image. And magazines are all about promoting an unattainable body image because their goal is to have you compare yourself to other women and buy their products because you feel inadequate.

 

Cassie I understand and I know this doesn't make a difference, but who runs those media outlets? Don't get me wrong men can be just as influenced and messed up by media messages as women (maybe in different ways), but I'm just saying. One other thing, just to add, is that I can honestly tell you that were I single and interested in a particular female -  and I doubt I'm that unusual - if she had  added or subtracted 10 or 20 pounds - It would not make a difference in my being interested in her. I may prefer one way or the other, and none of us are perfect, but really, it wouldn't change my mind about her.

 

I have women in my life that struggle with weight and it just frustrates me what the media BS does to women and girls.  I had a  (female) doctor tell my daughter she was overweight when she wasn't at all (nobody thinks that she is, the women looks at this height/weight chart and just tells her she's fat. My daughter has more muscle mass, which weighs then fat, from her dancing, but she is NOT FAT). I was pissed! Who tells a 17 year old girl that? What is this, the 1950's? 

[Krax]

I just really don't want to have to replace my entire wardrobe...seriously.  My husband is saying the same things Krax, and I know that they are true.  But, when you outgrow scrub pants...it is demoralizing. 

 

Understand. Sounds like you married a good guy.

[AlwaysAwesome]

I have women in my life that struggle with weight and it just frustrates me what the media BS does to women and girls.  I had a  (female) doctor tell my daughter she was overweight when she wasn't at all (nobody thinks that she is, the women looks at this height/weight chart and just tells her she's fat. My daughter has more muscle mass, which weighs then fat, from her dancing, but she is NOT FAT). I was pissed! Who tells a 17 year old girl that? What is this, the 1950's? 

At least the Doc didn't recommend she take up smoking to keep her weight down.  LOL, that was the 1950's for you.

[Cassie]

Cassie I understand and I know this doesn't make a difference, but who runs those media outlets? Don't get me wrong men can be just as influenced and messed up by media messages as women (maybe in different ways), but I'm just saying. One other thing, just to add, is that I can honestly tell you that were I single and interested in a particular female - and I doubt I'm that unusual - if she had added or subtracted 10 or 20 pounds - It would not make a difference in my being interested in her. I may prefer one way or the other, and none of us are perfect, but really, it wouldn't change my mind about her.

I have women in my life that struggle with weight and it just frustrates me what the media BS does to women and girls. I had a (female) doctor tell my daughter she was overweight when she wasn't at all (nobody thinks that she is, the women looks at this height/weight chart and just tells her she's fat. My daughter has more muscle mass, which weighs then fat, from her dancing, but she is NOT FAT). I was pissed! Who tells a 17 year old girl that? What is this, the 1950's?

Doesn't matter who runs the media outlets - women want to see skinny models and they are the consumers of fashion and beauty products. Women may say they want to see real women but if that were true in the aggregate then that's what would be portrayed. Kind of like how people said they wanted salads at McDonald's during focus groups and when they introduced salads they sold horribly. All media have the same advertising goals, to make you feel that buying their products/looking a certain way will help you achieve happiness. If you're reading fashion magazines, the images are for you.

I'm defending guys here because you're right, it's no secret that men don't want a chick that looks like a 12 year old boy. It's women that are ultimately at fault for beauty standards in the media.

[LILTEX41]

This is getting really exciting fast. Krax- I love what you said. Yes, I am one of those people that has suffered with all that crap for a long time. It's my biggest challenge to date, but I am working through it still and have lots of hope that one day I will be fully recovered. As always, just a work in progress.

You're absolutely right about the media/advertising today. It does not help. What I 've learned does help is having unconditional love and support like you mentioned and to keep all focus off this matter.

I think having you for a father will help your daughter immensely as your opinion I'm sure she values way more than some stupid ass doctor. She is so lucky to have you!

[Krax]

This is getting really exciting fast. Krax- I love what you said. Yes, I am one of those people that has suffered with all that crap for a long time. It's my biggest challenge to date, but I am working through it still and have lots of hope that one day I will be fully recovered. As always, just a work in progress.

You're absolutely right about the media/advertising today. It does not help. What I 've learned does help is having unconditional love and support like you mentioned and to keep all focus off this matter.

I think having you for a father will help your daughter immensely as your opinion I'm sure she values way more than some stupid ass doctor. She is so lucky to have you!

 

Well you sound like you're doing great - like I said I know it's particularly tough for women in our culture, Thanks for saying that about my girl. I am particularly sensitive to it because my wife's father told her repeatedly she was overweight in high school, and my blood boils just thinking about it.