Human connection post-Adderall

[Yay_donuts]

Hi,

I'm about a year off stimulants after using them heavily for 2 years. I had always had boyfriends I truly loved and cared about from the age of 20 to 29. I was diagnosed with ADD at 29 and quickly morphed into a weird version of myself thanks to the drugs.

Long story short I left my bf of 3.5 years shortly after getting hooked on pills and ever since, I've failed to meet anyone I feel truly connected to. The first year single I went on a million dates and slept with tons of guys and developed an alcohol addiction to compliment my growing stim problem. I wasn't connected in a legit way but didn't care, I had tons of energy bc of the pills and wanted to distract myself from the heartbreak I had after leaving my ex. The next year I technically had a few boyfriends but I truly felt indifferent to them. We'd say we loved each other and I'd like parts of them but I was basically nonplused from jump.

Then when I stopped the pills and the alcohol about a year ago I hoped something meaningful would develop w someone but it hasn't. I lost all my friends while using, gained 30lbs when I quit and moved home to start my life over from scratch when I chose the sober route so I'm not out and about like I used to be and my self esteem sucks SO the likelihood of meeting someone great is low. However I have gone out w a few guys And dated some in the past year but again I feel nothing really towards them. We can laugh together and have fun but I don't crave their company or attention and it's freaking me out.

I am wondering if my past pill use has altered me in a way that I can't connect like I used to. I am wondering if it's bc I'm still in this depressed lazy fat stage post adderall that causes me to only attract duds. Or maybe theyre great guys and my mental state overpowers my ability to see and feel the good. I've seen a lot of posts lately that mention an inability to connect now or a lack of connection post-stims and just wonder if anyone can relate or give advice or offer hope or something.

I miss the joy and natural high I'd get after meeting someone I really clicked with.

[Cassie]

Everyone is different, but I didn't feel 'normal' socially again until I'd been off Adderall for 2 1/2 years. You will eventually be your old self again - it just takes time. You are slowly relearning all of the habits of a sober person.

[MBM]

@yay_donuts...I'd say just trust your instincts.  Recovering from Adderall is a long process.  The physical dependence disappears sooner than the emotional/psychological one. 

 

Work on yourself.  Find out who you are, what you love.  If you are having trouble connecting with others, I'd say that is a direct correlation to how well you are connected to yourself. 

 

It's not a marathon.  That connection will come when you aren't looking for it.

 

Bravo to you for your courage and candor. 

[BeHereNow]

Hey yay_donuts,

 

I can hear in your voice that you are an intelligent, reflective, introspective person with a lot to offer!  I definitely agree with Cassie and MBM.  Take your time.  You might not be ready yet.  The right person might not be there yet.  The emotional aftermath of adderall is a bitch!   I'm still working on rebuilding my social connections, and I'm still not even there.

 

Actually, I almost wish I took the approach you did.  When I quit adderall, I also quit a toxic relationship.  Well, shortly thereafter I began a new one.  At the time I thought I was starting a fresh, positive, exciting, healthy new relationship.  Boy was I wrong!  In my early quitting stages I was so in need of that kind of support and love, and this person was there for me.....pedestalizing me when my self esteem was gone.....which turns out to be one of the main tactics used by manipulative psychopaths!!  It was an emotionally abusive relationship and it took me over a year to figure it out and get out.   I was less capable of recognizing the abuse and gaslighting for what it was precisely because I was in a weakened, post-adderall state.  I almost came to depend on him for some kind of validation.  I am now in a truly healthy, truly positive relationship with someone amazing and it's like night and day.  When I look back, I cannot believe I lived with that.

 

So, kudos to you for not going for those duds!!!!

 

Which brings me to my next point.... codependency and addiction seem to go hand in hand.  It's a tough one to talk about because no one likes to think of themselves as codependent.  But both of them involve trying to fill some kind of internal void with external validation and pleasure, and becoming dependent on that, because we feel we can't provide it for ourselves.  I've come to realize I probably am to an extent, and it's really helpful for me to recognize that and deal with it.  I mean I don't advertise it or talk about it, I just see it as a tendency and work with it.  I'm just suggesting this as a possibility for you because it sounds like being in a relationship is a huge priority for you.  In any case, maybe some hardcore alone time would be really good for you!  

 

What if you just take all that love you want to give to a partner, and instead give it to YOU????  

[Sepiroth]

Hi! Yay_Donuts,

 

i know that you will regain your old self again, it's takes time, yes. But i can see that you can pass all this trials blocking you. it's only a matter of time my dear, keep strong

[dangerbean]

wow...this post really resonated with me.  I had a boyfriend prior to adderall, but he was killed in a car accident.  I went into deep depression.  less than a year later is when i got on adderall.  I've had boyfriends since then, and felt thngs for them, but deep down--i've admitted to myself that they have never been right or normal.  i think it's me though.  i think i'm afraid of getting too close because it hurt so bad to lose it.  so even though it's somethng i crave, i only let myself wade into those waters, clinging to a life jacket.  as far as adderall v sober--sober feels better, like at least i have a CHANCE of connecting now.  but i'm scared because i hardly recognize myself now, and how can i know the person i want to be with if i don't even know myself?  I also feel low self esteem--overweight, struggling to do the thing that has defined me for the better part of ten years.  i've neglected my friendships so badly that i bet my friends think of me more as an acquaintance now (it doesn't help that they are all now mostly married and popping out babies and i'm single.....)....anyway....just one foot in front of the other.  as others have said, you sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person--i cannot believe you'll walk this world alone.  focus on you for a while.