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kayjay

Adderall: My Love/Hate Story

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I was prescribed Adderall seven years ago. I was derailed by the death of a loved one and was given Wellbutrin for depression, Adderall for "productivity" and Lunesta to force myself to sleep. 


 


At the time I lived in NYC and had (like most people there) a deadline orientated/high pressure job. Being wired on amphetamines, those first few YEARS where a blur. I got three big promotions in 4 years and added $60K to my annual income. I also lost 20lbs and hovered between a size 0 and size 2. I thought I found the answer to my problems. 


 


 I quit everything cold turkey when my husband and I decided to have a baby. 


Let's just say, Lack of Amphetamines + being pregnant = one hungry mama.  I'm ashamed to say that after my daughter was born I didn't nurse because I was desperate to go back on Amphetamines. I felt I needed Adderall to lose the weight and deal with the exhaustion. 


 


I never went back on Wellbutrin and Lunesta but my Adderall dosage was increased and I returned to work. Months flew by and life was back to normal so why was I feeling so uninvolved? Everything started to annoy me: Strangers on the subway, colleagues at work, family visiting to see the baby, even my own husband started to make my skin crawl. But I was in denial that Adderall was no longer working for me.


 


My husband and I decided to leave NYC and raise our daughter closer to family. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom and found a new doctor and got Adderall. I convinced myself I needed it to help me with everything it takes to get a new house organized. Over the next year, the house got remodeled but I barely ate and honestly I was beginning to look like a Meth abuser. My relationship with my husband was also suffering.


 


Then 4 months ago, I was at the doctor and they needed to use a child's blood pressure cuff because my arm was so skinny. WTF? That moment it hit me. Things had to change. Now. 


 


I haven't had a pill since. Has it been easy? God, NO. It's been slow. Moment to moment slow. But I'm actually enjoying spending time with my daughter and husband (as opposed to maniacally cleaning around them). I feel exhausted physically and emotionally. But, I'm committed to getting better and I'm not going to be hard on myself.  I'm proud I made the decision to stop but I also know I have a long road in front of me.


 


Three weeks I started walking and I've actually read 4 books since my last pill. I love reading but never could sit still long enough to enjoy a book hopped up on Addy. The big hurdle was Xmas: We hosted it for 30 family members and I didn't take amphetamines before to get ready, during to get through, or after to clean up.


I actually talked and laughed with my family and let the dishes pile up.


 


So, here I am - just a newbie fighting day by day and so happy I found this site and you amazing folks who inspire me to keep fighting. 


xo, Kristin

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You sound like your doing great! I agree that it's important not to be hard on yourself. If you need a break, then take a break.

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I actually talked and laughed with my family and let the dishes pile up.

 

Isn't it bliss?  Who knew how pleasant life can be when you aren't a crazy, cleaning whirlwind.  Although, I could use a bit of motivation to put the clean laundry away.  Still, it is clean.

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