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Thomas

Weird Feelings

11 posts in this topic

I quit Adderall a year and 5 months ago. The drug almost destroyed me. Was losing my marriage and my business not to mention personal relationships, friends etc. started in college like so many people do. For the next ten years I built up tolerance, found the most liberal doctors, was up to (3)30 XR per day for the last 5 years of my addiction. But I also filled scripts early and skipped one with insurance one with cash, etc. so I probably did twice that at times. Up to 5 3omg xr per day. Long story short its been a year and 5 months roughly. I wonder if my mind will ever heal. The first 6 months clean were ok. I was excited about being sober and proud of myself for quitting. But then , about a year ago, everything hit me all at once. Shame, regret, starting to see the real consequences. I hurt my wife, I missed time with my kids, I lost a lot of friendships. My mind feels like it's damaged. I get feelings of fear and paranoia. This is not like me. I've always been pretty tough mentally , survived military school, started my own business after college, wasn't intimidated by much. Now I just feel scared and alone a lot of the time. I'm sorry this is vague, it's very hard for me to explain how I feel. I guess I just need encouragement that this will get better. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

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I remember feeling really weird at 18 months clean. I made a string of bad decisions (including quitting my job without having any prospects) and I was really frightened, had no confidence in my ability to learn new things, felt socially awkward, was anxious meeting people, and just generally felt lost and confused. After 3 years sober I feel like myself again. 3 years was a big turning point for me, much more so than 2 years. I have confidence again and most importantly, I feel like I'm in control of myself and my feelings. I feel strong. I didn't use for as long as you (5 years), so don't compare your timeline to mine, but everything does heal in time. There's no choice but to keep moving forward. In a few years you will thank yourself.

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Wow, so I'm not alone on this. Thanks Cassie for you're reply. I'm definitely not going back. I'm just tired of having to force myself to do things. Wish I had some excitement about life. I'm with you on the socially awkward part. That's a new feeling for me. In the past it hasn't been an issue. But thanks so much for replying. I'm new to the online forum thing. But it really does help to have someone reply who understands.

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Hi Thomas,

My Adderall history is very similar to yours in terms of dosages and years of use.  And while I did not experience the issues you are having at 18 months, the struggle continued well into my third year of recovery, although it just gradually kept getting better after my first nine months away from that awful drug. 

One of my favorite quotes from this forum (from Cassie) is that recovery is not a linear process.

Another quote (from John) is that recovery is a function of how long you used it, how much you were taking, and your age.

 

I have discovered three supplements that I feel really helped my mind to recover from years of Adderall abuse:  L-Tyrosine, fish oils, and lions mane mushroom.  And I still go back to them from time to time when I feel the brain fog or depression returning.  I took all of the above even today, and I have had an incredibly productive day in a good mood.

 

Have you considered seeing a counselor for some of your issues?  A good counselor can really help you get to the bottom of things like relationship challenges and self-doubt.   

 

On the bright side, I didn't read anything in your post that said you were considering a relapse.  Stay strong, it will get better if you put some effort into fine-tuning your recovery tools.

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When I quit Adderall it was my dream to help many others off the drug too. Almost like a vision I had. But I'm so weak and and depressed now I can't even help myself. This is an epidemic all the people that take this drug. I want so badly to help others but it's hard when I can't get myself together.

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When I quit Adderall it was my dream to help many others off the drug too. Almost like a vision I had. But I'm so weak and and depressed now I can't even help myself. This is an epidemic all the people that take this drug. I want so badly to help others but it's hard when I can't get myself together.

 

keep post here you are helping me right now. Junkies helping junkies is really all that I know works. Forums like these are life savers for so many.  Help a noobie a week and by your 3 year aniversary you will have helped 50+ people. Right now its a game of inches and we can't see the whole mile.  The depression is like quicksand, I know it too well. For me the depression seems milder or I am getting better at dealing with it.  Tho I still get lost in it from time to time. 

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Just reading and commenting on a newbie's post may be the difference between him/her staying on the forum, and clean, or leaving and relapsing.  Everyone can help!!

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Hey there and welcome,

 

I have my good days and my bad days too. Just take it one day at a time. Can you do it today? Get through today and then see what tomorrow brings? I always ask myself that. I'm only a year and 2 months clean but what helps me the most is not drinking, working out daily and eating healthy. I am doing this right now and I feel great. Probably the best I have ever felt in my entire life! But time heals most wounds. Just be patience and hang in there!

 

We are here for you if you need anything at all!

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I think that is why this forum is so helpful.   To go from feeling like you are all alone in the world, to realizing that there are so many who have exactly the same experience with this drug.  "Hmm, maybe it isn't me...maybe the drug is making me crazy."  It is nice to be able to change "shoes", even if they are the ones we have worn for so long.  It can be done!

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