ejohns1 Posted August 2, 2015 Report Share Posted August 2, 2015 Hello. I just found this website today and I must say that I am extremely surprised and happy to have found such a large and supportive community dedicated to one single cause (or goal in this case). My story: I've struggled my entire life to pay attention to anything for longer than a few minutes. My friends and family always told me I was being inattentive or daydreamed too much. I had no idea why I had such a hard time concentrating on literally the simplest tasks I was given. I first began secretly taking adderall as an undergrad in college. I was given a few 30mg XR pills from my friend during my freshman year and from the first time I took them; I was hooked. I loved the immense amount of power and control I suddenly had over my mind and body (or so I thought at the time). But I couldn't morally deal with taking Adderall without a proper prescription, so I decided to meet with a psychiatrist and ended up getting a formal diagnosis of ADD within a few months. I did not tell my parents; who are extremely old-fashioned. That was five years ago and up to this current day, my parents still do not know about my dependence. They simply think that I had some sort of epiphany at college and pulled myself together enough to start making straight A's and B's. I am currently still taking Adderall, but since graduating with my Master's in Social Work with an emphasis in Mental Health (ironic, right?) I have come to terms with the fact that I am now completely dependent upon Adderall to function throughout my daily life and that at some point soon I need to stop using Adderall to simply get up in the morning. I want to have a life that I can truly live. Of course I want to quit, and yes, I miss aspects of my former self. But there were many things about myself before I started taking Adderall that I do not want to go back to. This is why I have been foiled in my past attempts at quitting Adderall; because I am afraid of who I will revert back to once I stop taking it. But I think the one thing that I miss the absolute most about my former self was my ability to have a "stomach-hurting-slapping-your-knee" kind of laugh. I had been told my entire life that I had a very infectious laugh, even as a small child, which I loved. Since I began taking Adderall five years ago, I have not laughed that amazing laugh one single time since. I miss it dearly and I can recall many instances during the past five years in which I wished I had that laugh still. But no matter how funny I find something to be, that laugh has continued to evade me. It seems minuscule and non-important; to have a good laugh. But to me, it was a defining feature of myself that I absolutely loved. I also think that it shows just how much Adderall has impeded my ability to truly show my true self even in the simplest ways. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted August 2, 2015 Report Share Posted August 2, 2015 Welcome to the site. Overcoming adderall will probably give you a lot of insight into your Social Work profession. Take the time to read some articles on the site and ask any question you may have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 But no matter how funny I find something to be, that laugh has continued to evade me. It seems minuscule and non-important; to have a good laugh. I don't think it's miniscule, it's that spark of humanity, of living in the moment. Adderall smothers it to the brink of death. It is a noble reason to quit, and you can do it! But there were many things about myself before I started taking Adderall that I do not want to go back to. I definitely hear you there. I am living that challenge now. I am lazy, I can't stay on task or be disciplined when I really need to. I'm finding that building good habits is really hard, and it's really easy to fall off the wagon and get lazy again and have to start the climb all over again. But the spark, the zest for life, desire to love and be loved, the ability to experience intense and genuine, that's the really important distinction, emotion is worth enduring every failed achievement that comes as a result of quitting. Welcome to the forum; you are among friends. Let us know how we can help you! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 Welcome. Amphetamines definitely turn you into a shell of a person. For me, it was like like a third person always looking in and directing my thoughts and actions, never fully inhabiting myself. Do you have a plan to quit? Also, out of curiosity, why do you use the term 'dependence' rather than 'addiction?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 That is a good point. I may be using the term incorrectly but when I hear "dependence" I think of my body adapting to the drug, which is pretty easy to slide out of with a couple weeks of abstinence. "Addiction" on the other hand, is a fucking BEAST to deal with and (from what I am seeing from the veteran users of this site, and from my own experience of course), freedom from which is a battle that takes years of fighting one day at a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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