Do you still have hope your partner on Adderall will realize how they're treating you?

[Yogichris]

I'm feeling really depressed today and just need to get it out. I'm going out of town this weekend with my boyfriend and have mentally told myself this will be the last weekend together. I've even mentioned it to him, saying we aren't working, all we do is argue, I feel like I cry at least a couple times a week, and told him I really think it's due to his Adderall useage. Of course, he still thinks I'm overreacting about the pills and I don't think he thinks I'm serious about breaking up. He gets kind of sad saying he doesn't want to think about it....Anyway, since this is our last week before the getaway, he made it sound like he wanted to see me as much as possible, that he'd get up early to get to work and get caught up so he could spend time with me. We're supposed to hang out tonight but he's at work and stressed and I questioned him and how much he had left to get done to be 'caught up' since he's been working late nights a lot just to take one damn day off. He was patient at first then started getting irritated with me. I feel so dumb. Here I am feeling like a dog begging to see him tonight, when it feels like he's squeezing me into his busy schedule.

Do you guys still have hope? I'm scared to break up after this weekend when I feel like there's hope in me. It's almost like I start thinking," oh maybe he isn't addicted and he just takes these pills. Maybe he is really just busy at work and I annoy him wanting to see him more and putting this expectation on him. Maybe he'll realize how great I am and how much I love him and get his priorities straight." He'll be great to me for a day or two, then I get all excited, only to get let down when he breaks his word. He's always saying things like we'll get to spend these nights together or do this together, then I plan on it...only to have him cancel because something came up or he is too behind at work. I'm always holding onto this hope and his words. Is he doing this on purpose or is it the Adderall?! I hate that I feel so sad all the time. I thought he'd make an effort this week knowing it's our last times together. Thanks for reading had to get it out as dumb as it all sounds...

[dadof3finallyfree]

Thats not something dumb to get out, its your life your talking about, your future and you deserve at least the basics of respect in a relationship, everyone does. Thats why Adderall is such a relationship killer in my mind.

I always had the hope my ex would come around and snap too like a huge fn light bulb or nuclear mushroom cloud going off and she'd she what she had been doing but nope...My gut knew better but Hope isn't a bad thing, HOPE IS A GOOD THING! so dont lose it... Id def say set a healthy boundary or limit of bullshit for yourself.  It gets old very fast even if you are in love at least it did for me...sounds like your there with his BS. What you describe happened non stop for me so much walking was easy but everyone's different though.

Id try to put the same basics of respect and being in a relationship on the table for my ex as plainly as I could and she would agree sure enough she was doing it but it never stopped. For me seeing the lack of empathy and the narcisstic attitude was too much after a while.

My ex always promised to show up on time, never did. She missed countless dinners, picnics with me and the kids, all school events, doctors visits, movies, was always late for her clients and late for everything and just didn't care. Didn't even care to explain why just said she was busy.  But yet she says she cant stand to be away from them on my days with them now.  When they are with her on her days all she does it put ipads in front of them and shes on her phone according to my girls.  She cares about her clothes and makeup and cleaning. Selfishness derived from their focusing I'd guess.

I posted on here wondering if addicts realize or remember even after quitting through the "FOG BRAIN" if they know how bad their actions and words were and a few cool people responded that they did and it hit them very hard.  I wouldn't hold up too much hope while he is on it depending on the level of his in take and all but possibly when he quits. And he will have to quit at some point I sure hope for you both.  Trust your gut and always have hope behind it to some degree its healthy for you and remember everyone's different...  Id say your not the cause of this bullshit and ya gotta remember that.  So do trust your gut especially if your the sober one and researching about this stuff

[Doge]

 

 

I'm scared to break up after this weekend when I feel like there's hope in me.

 

If you're worried about not wanting to leave if there is still hope, have you thought about the following approach?

 

(This is just my thoughts at the moment, not to be interpreted as advice, which I am in no way qualified to give.)

 

Give an ultimatum, either you go or the medication goes (but you'd have to be ready to follow through, as hard as that sounds).  Even if he doesn't respond favourably at first, wait it out for a few weeks.  Give the loss time to sink in.  If I were high on adderall, and my "irritating girlfriend or spouse" left me because I was ignoring her.  I might at first think "oh good riddance, that's a distraction I don't need right now".  But it wouldn't be me talking, it would be the drugs.  But we always run out of pills.  That's simultaneously the best and worst part of being an addict.  When the crash inevitably comes, so too will the stabbing heartbreak of reality catch up with him.  And that would be the time to have a real conversation about it.  When your partner feels the same pain you are feeling and can finally empathize.

 

Again, just a thought.  Take it for what it's worth.  I wish you the best, and am so sorry on behalf of your partner that put you through this.

[Yogichris]

Thanks dadofthreefinallyfree. It's hard to feel like hope is a good thing when it keeps me holding onto him, but I do hear what you're saying. Perhaps hope is good when you need it keep going. I guess now I'm hoping that I walk away and leave him for good. That's probably the hope I should be focusing on.

With your ex and placing healthy limits for yourself and your kids, how long did it take before you reached your limit? I'm two years in to a man I thought I wanted to marry. Despite all the BS I've dealt with, the lies, the lack of respect for me and my time, not prioritizing me, I'm still here after two years. It's embarrassing. I'm starting to blame myself because it's my fault technically for staying around and not leaving. I'm curious how long you dealt with it all before having the courage to leave? And I recall you saying you met another wonderful woman...was it hard to start dating and trust again? I feel so drained from this I'm scared to trust someone else only to be deceived once again.

He's at 3 pills a day, 60 mg each but often takes more than 3. Plus is damn vape smoking from morning to night. Mind you, he was behind at work, been working the past few weeks late nights to take a Friday off and have a three day weekend with me. I'm here in this getaway alone. He didn't finish his work and couldn't take the day off. The trip has been planned for a month. Yet he could get hair cut, go to the vape shop, play in his softball game and drink beers. All that comes first. And every trip we've ever taken he's late. It's a joke. And somehow I'm the one that he yelled at tonight for expressing my disappointment.

And Doge, thanks for your advice. I honestly wish he would listen since I've tried telling him before but he gets so defensive about his pills and starts yelling at me for bringing it up. I think if I leave, I don't think he's where you guys on this forum are at, which is being open to looking at himself and the reality of what's going on. He honestly thinks I'm crazy, controlling, and obsessed with his meds. And then tells me I never look at myself which is BS.... I'm in therapy and not in denial of my issues. Were you in a relationship that ended because of Adderall? And after you've stopped did you go back to her? What was it that made you finally be like oh shi* this drug is messing my life up?

[Doge]

I'm so sorry, my heart melts for you reading that.  I hate to say it but it sounds like you are in a horrible situation that you just need to remove yourself from.  He has a long way to go to heal himself, and it won't begin until he decides he has a problem.

 

Personally I was not in a relationship because of adderall.  I chose to fall in love with drugs instead of putting myself out there in the dating world.  I have no idea how my story would have played out if that were the case.

 

I was a binge user, so I spent 2-3 weeks of every month completely sober, and about 2-4 days per month on a high that would resemble someone taking crystal meth.  My problem was easier to spot because of this despite the grip of my addiction, even though I did spend some time in a denial phase.

 

With that in mind, it is worth mentioning that your partner's daily dose is roughly what I would go through in a two day binge, and was enough to turn me absolutely insane and I would take a week to barely recover.  I don't say this to scare you, but If he's sustaining that every day, I can't imagine it...  Maybe my tolerance was just much lower because I went through detox after every time I used.

 

I wanted to stop for a long time but was unable to completely walk away because every couple months or so I would just get possessed by an uncontrollable craving, change my mind and go back to it and get high for 2-3 days, then go through the whole cycle of quitting again.

 

Members who were daily users with high doses might be able to offer more insight.  But for now I think you need to look out for you.  I hope the best for both of you.

[Frank B]

"He's at 3 pills a day, 60 mg each but often takes more than 3. "

He is actually prescribed 180mg a day! Holy shit balls his damn doctor should lose his license to practice medicine! Well I'm not sure of his age but will tell you if he is on that much he will have a short life his heart will fail at some point on that kind of daily dosage.

[Yogichris]

Typo, sorry Frank. 20 mg each, 3 pills a day, often times 4. So 60-80 mg day. 36 years old.

Thanks Doge, definitely need to remove myself. He's just always mad at me. It's almost turning me into a weak person I don't recognize. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem at times with what he says about me. I'm sure my neediness and wanting to 'connect' is more than the average but it just hurts the way he talks to me, like verbal abuse. Then I hate the conflict and break down and apologize for whatever and just want to mend things again. The fact that you didn't get into a relationship deserves an applause. At least you recognized you couldn't give to someone if you were binging. I wish you the best of your path to recovery and thank you for sharing.

[Frank B]

I was gonna say wow didn't know one could be in that anount legally. I was on 60mg a day for years but like him often used more. Even though it's not 180mg over time it will take a toll on his heart one other reason why I stopped when I started was in my late twentys and hurting my body long term was nothing considered but now I'm 37 know 40 is coming and body can't keep up the abuse. I hope you can get yourself free of this lifestyle if he can't truth is if he is not ready to give it up he probably won't.

[Yogichris]

You're clearly smart Frank and care enough about yourself to have the awareness that you need to take care of your body/health. I spoke with him today on the phone after the argument. Of course I'm the one that called back to make things better. But I did bring up that I think his Adderall is making him moody, angry, selfish, not healthy for his body, etc and that I'm telling him because I love him and want to help him. He basically said no. He wants to stop one day but not anytime soon. Sigh. There's my answer. You know what makes me sick?? My friend told me today he has friends that go to clinics in our city and can get an Adderall script in 15 minutes. $70 for 60 pills. So then their insurance doesn't know since it's a clinic. I'm shocked at how many people I'm finding out take this drug. How the fuc* does this keep happening without the FDA doing something. Its being handed out like candy! And of course, if it's all over, why would anyone think it's that bad for you and try to stop? No wonder he looks at me as controlling, everyone is taking it.

Your body is thanking you slowly but surely...keep it up

[Frank B]

That clinic sounds pretty shady and illegal but people find loopholes. To be honest I think the government wants us to be a bunch of adderall zombies who love to work our life away and question very little. It makes us perfect mindless puppets to let the powers that be screw us over. I'm sure at some point he will want to quit because the truth is it stops working no matter how much u take it just might be years down the road for him.

[Yogichris]

Isn't that the truth. Thanks for your reply Frank.

[dadof3finallyfree]

Hey Yogi...

One weird aspect to my marriage falling apart over adderall was that I didnt know she was on it for most my marriage and didnt know anything about adderall when we split. Now she did other pills which I found a few times but she gaslighted me everytime and played me for a fool and I believed her. Sounds like what your ex maybe doing to you.

Only thru research and investigating did I get the full picture and learn about amphetamines.  Once i found out what Adderall was and I read up on it (thank god for this site) everything I had been going through just made crystal clear absolute sense and the way out. All the bad arquements and selfishness. Everything that people go through seems almost text book with this drug and the side effects.

I waited prob 6 months to really try to date and focused on my kids but more importantly I found my true self coming back, my old personality, happy, laughing and looking forward to the future again so dating turned into nothing but fun. Im not a dating expert lol but id say dont go looking for Mr perfect or to try and out do your current situation.  just get out and laugh it happens on its own. You forget why you date in the first place and it should be for someone to sweep you off your feet and be there for you.  Guys should be there to protect you and make you laugh not hurt you and make you cry.

I guarantee that you will wake up one day and realize how dam lucky you are to get out ahead of this train wreck. And it is a train wreck!!!   Its not fair for users to do this shit to someone even if its prescribed. May not be their fault entirely but it still isnt fair to you period.  Best thing about breaking up is the other person is going to be someone elses problem. You get to move on and be free. I took the nice route every time and it didnt matter and still doesn't. 

My ex isnt ready to quit so I just flat out stopped trying and dont care anymore. I took me prob 4 months to learn that.  Doesn't sound like yours is anywhere close either. After reading your story I'd say hit the road and go love someone else.  Love is hard enough these days but throw in pills and its a no brainer in my book. Thats a long road for a non using significant other to shoulder.  My advice to you is kill em with kindness, wish him luck and leave him with a positive outlook for his own future and just move on, dont look back, dont call and go be happy.

[Frank B]

I think dadof3finallyfree has some really good advice. The important thing is "kill them with kindness." Do not be bitter mad or upset he won't stop for you. Don't take it personally like he is choosing the drugs over you. He is choosing adderall over everything including a life of joy for himself. That's his problem and it may take years for him to see the light. Life is short no guarantee of tommrow find your own happiness now. I know it's much easier said then done but if your not married and have no children it's good to leave now with no strings attached.

[Yogichris]

Hi Dadofthree,

 

I felt the same after finding this site….it was like I was reading about my partner exactly.  Like you, I didn’t know anything about Adderall prior to dating him.  I didn’t start investigating more until I noticed odd behaviors on his end….and then the temper and mood swings kicked in, along with the selfishness.  A lot of it I didn’t experience right away, but I guess the more you’re around someone, the more it comes out.

 

Hearing you share your dating experience after splitting sheds some light on how much I’ve lost myself.  I realize I’m not my same self because of this relationship and the abuse.  My personality has changed as well but it’s encouraging to hear you’re doing well and back to your old self.  And I couldn’t agree more, a man should not make a woman cry.  To think of all the things he can’t stand about me are simply me loving him…wanting to spend time with him, love him, lay with him, etc.  It’s mind blowing.  You’d think anyone would want love and welcome it.  

 

So we did end things this past Sunday and I’m just trying to stay strong and take time for me as all of you suggested.  I did wish him well, wrote him a long letter, and shared how much I love him and how concerned I am.  I also shared with him I would be here if there is a day he decides to wean off his meds or realize how they’ve changed him as a result.  He promised he’d read the letter this week, but I’m not holding my breath, as his word doesn’t hold much to me nowadays.

 

I’m really sad and already miss him, but I know I need to do this…especially after reading this site, sharing, and having you all reply.  Thank you for shedding light, insight, and giving me a bit of strength to walk away, I just hope I don’t get weak and go back.  I guess I’ll let the healing process begin and only hope he finds this site…I already sent him the link.  And Frank is right, he isn’t choosing Adderall over me, he is choosing it over everything.  Thanks everyone for your support.       

[Doge]

 

 

Do not be bitter mad or upset he won't stop for you. Don't take it personally like he is choosing the drugs over you. He is choosing adderall over everything including a life of joy for himself.

 

This is a great way to put it.

[dadof3finallyfree]

Hey Yogi sorry to hear about your heart ache but glad you made the decision.  Im not much of a person to dwell on things and generally pick my butt up and am optimistic about moving on but bc my marriage ending with kids was over drugs I have to deal with it and her and her drugs for at least another decade.  So I study and I read.  Sounds like you could use a boost to move on so I want to recommend this book to you.  Its what got me over my ex and her selfishness in a heartbeat.  It opens your eyes quite a bit to what an addict can throw your life and mindset into.

 

An incredibly friend of mine that is in recovery gave me this book. She said it literally saved her and it helped me like no other.  I'm not the type of guy to journal or talk to therapists etc.  Never would think I would read something like this but its great.  Im a guy with a backbone that calls shit as I see it but I read this book everyday and it helps every single day.  I cant recommend it enough.  God knows we all are going to be dealing with drugs and the pill epidemic in this country for decades to come with someone in our family.  Its just getting started.  I'm raising 3 little girls in the the #1 opiate addicted town in the united states right now, think we just made the same number for heroin use now and it scares the living shit out of me.

 

You just read one page at a time and start on whatever date you get it.  It is about how to deal with significant others and their addictions and not letting their bullshit bother you or letting them pull you into it. Basically how to kick their bullshit to the curb and focus on your own needs and life to be happy.  Not letting them manipulate you, not letting them trick you into their mindsets.  Ive read it everyday for two years.  You can apply it to family members, friends and I highly recommend it to anyone coping with drug use.  Hoping you the best!

 

https://www.amazon.com/Language-Letting-Meditations-Codependents-Meditation/dp/0894866370/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

[Yogichris]

Thanks so much Dadofthree.  Ordering the book today.  And it is scary what the future holds with pill addiction nowadays.  It’s really sad but I think bringing awareness, or at least I’d hope, helps to somewhat start the battle against it for future decades. 

 

Sounds like the book will bring some strength during those days I miss him and want to contact him.  Thanks again and I’ll  keep coming to the forum as well.  Wishing you and your girls the best too

[nic123]

@dadof3finallyfree

I ordered the book recommended from this post. I am currently dealing with the fallout of my marriage with my soon to be ex spouse on Adderall along with other additional addictions. @Yogichris your story has a lot of similarities as mine. 

Reading, researching, therapy and understanding what happened is truly what is helping me through my divorce.