Addict or just a junkie?

[Speeder906]

Adderall is the only drug that I find myself drawn to and ever since getting my scrip I've gradually increased the amount I am taking from 20mg IR a day to two years later clocking in 150mg or so every day. Now days I find myself binging over the course a week once I get my refill (this is the third day of my binge and already through 2/3 of my month's supply. Next three weeks I am sober and have good and bad days but over the last few months I've realized I don't even feel withdrawls other than hunger. I think this cycle of on and off usage for so long has made me numb to the shitiness of detoxing which i guess is kinda nice in a way but here's my question for y'all because idk if I am just overthinking my use and blowing things out of proprtion. Sometimes I just get too in my own head that i get psyched out.  

 

How can you know if you're an addict that needs professional help/therapy and not just a person that likes taking drugs? When I'm binging I feel like a full blown out of control addict but when I am taking the rest of the month off the pills I don't really feel the need to seek other drugs for the high. In fact I feel miserable right now and I am on a lot of addy as I write this as some might be able to tell by my rambling. 

 

Idk I think subconsciously I just want someone to tell me what my fucking problem is because I'm so different on these pills and I don't even like who I am when I am taking them but I still order that refill every month with another excuse like using it in moderation (LOL) to curb my appetaite or to get a lot of school work done. More often than not anymore I'm more distracted on addy than not, I rush through school work not really learning I don't think, and sorry if this is too crude but a lot of the times I just masturbate for hours on adderall for no reason at all. So it just seems like I am not gaining ANYTHING from this medicine. My reason for taking it this weekend was because I was kinda behind in school and I am caught up now, but at what cost? I've isolated myself from my family staying in my room all day long, I've skipped classes since getting my refill, flaked on friends, go to work tweaked out and just get so fucking sweaty at work it's so embarrassing. 

 

Okay sorry for the going off on tangents so thanks for reading if you made it this far through this shit. I'd just really appreciate another person's two cents on this situation. I don't have anyone that knows the extend to this problem nor do I have friends or family that I am all that close to. I just feel so alone right now. I can't decide if i'm just hopeless or not. Any advice or anything would make my day a lot better. Okay, later. 

 

PS If it means anything, I am a 21 years old guy. 

[quit-once]

It's really pretty simple.  If you feel like you can't quit taking Adderall despite it having a negative impact on your life then you are addicted and need to quit. ... that is the basis of any addiction. You can't just dial it back and return to responsible use. period.  Has it quit working for you?  Have you developed a tolerance and need more for the same level of buzz?  Is it causing you to engage in risky or illegal behavior?  Has it impacted your health?  or relationships?  Is taking or finding speed a priority in your life?   If you can't quit on your own, get some help!  The rest of your life depends on it.

[Subtracterall]

"How can you know if you're an addict that needs professional help/therapy and not just a person that likes taking drugs?"

Speeder, I had this same question/rationalization when I first started taking addy. I decided I wasn't an addict that I just liked taking drugs and that allowed me to convince myself that it was okay to continue to take addy for years and years.  

At some point I realized I was an addict and I quit for health reasons but wasted 12 years of my life on Addy first.  

You're definitely not hopeless.  You're presence here is a bright beacon of hope. I have found a great deal of support here on this site.  I think I read that you cut off your supply - way to go - you're headed in the right direction. 

 

[Doge]

I totally know what you're getting at, as I was a binge user also, and went through detox CONSTANTLY, like it was no big thing.  It became part of my routing and I would incorporate recovery time into my binge schedules.

 

The thing with binging is that the addiction is different.  You can often easily stop usage for a few days if you need to.  Your day to day urges are not that strong.  But whatever your binge cycle is (like as you say, one week out of every month), you will feel that pressure building like clockwork.  With binging, you get cravings less frequently, but when you do get cravings, you

 

a) crave the BINGE, not moderate use

and

 

b ) you crave it FIERCELY, nobody will be able to talk to you out of it

 

Like steam pressure building up in your brain, the binge/detox cycle just opens the valve and lets the pressure out.  Only for it to slowly start boiling again, to become a problem again in a month or so.  It feels like being a ticking time bomb.  It's the proverbial monkey on your back.

 

Personally, I think because of my binge style use, and how much time I spent sober (because I would run out really quickly and have to wait for a refill), it took me a LONG time to face the fact that I was helplessly under the control of adderall, and my choices were not my own.

 

I would propose to you to consider the fact that the detox part of the cycle is actually a part of your addiction.  When I finally had this epiphany it really helped me understand why I was doing the things I was doing, despite it destroying my body, life and future.

[Rachel]

Doge I was also a binger. I would always run out early and be forced into detox/sobriety. You are so right in how it all builds up...in the end I had NO control, the drug took over. I knew deep down I was addicted, but I just didn't want to stop. I didn't have a choice with these past events, and I am so lucky!

[NotToday]

I would also binge use and be forced into monthly detoxing before getting a refill. And I too would go back and forth with myself about whether or not it was really a problem. Over time I kept asking to up my dose and I would try desperately to make it last. It took A LOT of consequences for me to finally surrender to be honest lol. And really in the end I was hardly functioning without it, and my problems were starting to stare me in the face. I wish I could have heeded the warning signs and saved myself all of the grief, but I don't think anyone could have convinced me just how bad things would get. Even if it isn't a problem now but you fear it could be, let all of our stories save you the trouble in the future. I started taking it around 19 as well, and I am just getting clean at 27. I would give so much to go back in time and change it!

[Speeder906]

Wow.. I've been off Adderall for about a week now and today I had this thought to myself that maybe I could control myself next refill (despite having told my doc I didn't wanna take it anymore last week, which probably has made it impossible to get a refill now.. But still the thought of in moderation entered my mind for some reason).

Now reading all your replies, dodge, Rachael, and Nicole.. You guys reminded me why I told my psych I didn't want to keep taking Addy anymore, why I have so many notes to myself saying Adderall has chewed me up and spit me back out, and really why I joined this site and decided to post my journey through all of this. Admitedly today after a week sober I was getting my first round of craving of many sure to come. I really appreciate it

[Rachel]

Good job!

Being able to use normally one day is the great dream of many addicts, myself included. I am 59 days clean today, which isn't long, but the cravings come up out of nowhere and they are hardcore. Reaching out to my support system, like you did, is what really helps me combat them. I also wrote down all the bad stuff that happened on Addy, and I read it when the cravings come. I declare all the time how I think I can use it normally, but I know that's not true. It's my addiction not going down without a fight. 

You can get through this, you are strong. It sounds like you really want to quit this, and you can.