Rachel

My Full Story

3 posts in this topic

I had almost ten years clean and sober before I relapsed. I had stopped going to meetings, and that time away gave my addiction plenty of time to grow unchecked and take over. 

I discovered Adderall during my addiction to pain killers in the end of 2015. I was at the point where doctors would not prescribe them to me anymore and I had lost my insurance, so I was asking anyone and everyone I knew if they had any. One of my friends told me to come over, and when she handed me her Norco, she also gave me a little case filled with blue pills. Enter Adderall. I had ADHD and had been diagnosed in childhood, but my mom didn't want me on pills, so I was never treated for it. I figured I could finally get the help I actually needed, and I didn't have health insurance at the time, so I felt totally justified. She told me I should try them because they would give me energy. At the time, I was way more exhausted than usual and having trouble keeping up with my crazy schedule. My life was already falling apart due to the painkiller addiction, but of course I never attributed it to that. Little did I know I was so tired because I was pregnant. If only I hadn't been so out of it.

At first, I didn't take the Adderall because I had heard horror stories about it. It scared me, I didn't want to take it without the supervisor of a doctor. But then one day my pain pills ran out, and I started to go into withdrawal. Well, I didn't have time for that, so I decided to take half of a 10 mg. Adderall. It felt OK, but I liked the pain pills better. Nevertheless, it got me up and going, and I felt a whole heck of a lot better.

I continued to take the Addy at 20 mg. When I got my pain pills back, I discovered the absolute heaven of mixing narcotoc pain killers and Adderall. God, I wish I had never experienced that. It took a hold of me, and I was determined to not let go. I felt the best I ever had in my life. Not only was I filled with energy, I had ZERO pain. But the best part was how euphoric I felt, I could handle anything and I loved everyone. It was a compete turn around from the angry woman I used to be. People were happily surprised at my transformation. The sinking feeling of depression left, and I could face all my previously insurmountable problems, like massive debt. I had found the solution, finally, to all my problems. 

However, the addiction was snowballing, and I needed more. My friend didn't want to give me anymore, because I was asking for it every other day. She told me I was taking too much, but I assured her it was just because I had a "high tolerance for these things." She stopped giving them to me, and I also ran out of sources for pain pills.

Pain pills were still my first love, so I asked around and was introduced to a dealer. He couldn't get th pain pills, but the Adderall wasn't an issue. He proceeded to rip me off for almost a year straight, and he was my lifeline. I wasted buckets of money I didn't have on this stuff, I even ended up selling very important stuff to get money for drugs.

Due to my awful behavior, my father had cut me off for awhile. I didn't have health insurance, so I couldn't get a script. 

As my life became more difficult because I wasn't addressing my problems, I took more and more Adderall. I reached a point where I no longer wanted pain killers, only Adderall. I couldn't function without it, and one day it turned on me. I was no longer the happier person like I was in the beginning, I had transformed into a paranoid junkie. I was slowly losing it. One day I suffered a psychotic break that my fiancé was able to talk me down from, but that wasn't enough to stop me. It was infringing upon my professional life, and I looked horrible...skinny and old with bad skin. I was very unhealthy, but I didn't care. 

I finally got health insurance and a script for Adderall. I would run out of it way too early, and then withdraw and white knuckle it for a few weeks. It was en endless cycle, I didn't have any control. I lived for the day my script would be filled, and wouldn't schedule anything unless I knew I would have my drugs. But I was losing it more and more each day. I would be up for nights on end, hardly eating. I still didn't care. I started making up stories in my head about my fiancé cheating on me with my friends, and it ended up ruining those friendships! I cut them out of my life due to my warped thinking. I was driving people away one by one and didn't know it. I was trapped in my own psycho reality. I was going to lose everything.

After getting a three months supply of Adderall, I promptly started to go through it at a rapid pace. 4 days in, I was already down my bottle of IR and half way through my XR. I still had two months left that I needed! I couldn't buy from the dealer anymore, because my fiancé refused to go down that route again. You would think I would have stopped for a few days. Oh no. I was so far gone, that I went into psychosis. This time, I was convinced the FBI was after me and my life was over, so I finished the rest of the Adderall because I thought those were my last moments of freedom. That put me in further psychosis and I blacked out in hallucination for two days in the ER. Then I was 5150'd. I finally "came to" on my way to the psych ward, when the young driver let me use my phone. I texted my dad all this crazy stuff from my hallucination: That I had HIV and every other deadly disease, that my fiancé left me for another woman and gave her my ring, that I was on death row and the worst criminal in history...the list goes on. He told me I was nuts and that's when I realized I had taken too much Adderall and it all wasn't real. 

It still took a few days for me to trust that I was really in a psych ward and not in a fake setting created by the FBI to get me to confess to my "crimes." Yes, it was that bad. My fiancé had to visit me there for an hour a day. I felt so badly he had to see me like that, but I was just so grateful I still had him. He stuck by my side and only wanted me to get better, he never got angry with me. He really is the best guy in the world. 

I was in the psych ward for four days, and then entered an outpatient program. I slowly have been making progress, and am 51 days clean today. It's hard to believe, because I did not think I could survive without Adderall. 

I have finally taken care of a lot of the problems that had been haunting me. It's funny, I thought the Adderall would help me get things done, but it just made me concentrate on things that weren't important. I spent nights filling notebooks empty worthless babble and researching nonsense on the internet instead of doing school work and making a plan for my debt. 

My fiancé and I got our marriage license a couple weeks ago, and I started exercising again this week. I am finishing my last class before I finally graduate this May. My relationship with my dad has improved 100 percent, and I am remembering the great person I actually am when I am not filled with drugs. I am getting my life back, and I can actually feel things now!

This drug almost robbed me of everything. I am so lucky. And yet, I still have cravings to use it. It is a powerful, cunning, and baffling drug. But one day at a time, I am making progress on rebuilding my life. I hope I can make it. I wish you all nothing but the best, and I hope my story can help you stay away from this crazy drug. 

 

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Thanks for sharing your story. I feel like all of us share so much in common! Stay strong! 

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Thanks for sharing and congratulations on quitting! 

Isn't it nice living for something other than your refill day? I'm trying to taper down now, and I can't wait till I'm not dependant on this stupid drug anymore. 

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