Jan34

My Story - Trying to Quit...Again

5 posts in this topic

I first took adderall ten years ago during my freshman year of college.  My friend saw me in the library struggling to write a paper and handed me a blue 10mg pill, telling me how it would make me focus.  The rush of euphoria and invincibility hit me almost instantly and I've been chasing that high in one way or another ever since.  I always had a hard time concentrating in school and now I was able to sit in the same position for hours on end, unable to get up until the work was done.  I've had eating/body issues since high school and I had suddenly found a pill that eliminated my appetite.  Since that day, I've either been trying to get Adderall, high on Adderall, or coming down.  I bought pills from different people during college, spending more money that I even want to think about.  

After I graduated, I gained 15 lbs and was absolutely miserable.  I found a psychiatrist who had me fill out a survey and immediately wrote me a prescription for a month supply of 20mgs which soon jumped to 40mg.  I typically took 60-120mgs a day and after a few months of living with my parents completely cracked out of my mind, they could tell I was "on something".  My mom found my pill bottle hidden in my purse the day before I was starting my first full time job.  She came into my room and said hand over your pills.  After protesting, then crying, I finally gave up.  Prior to her confronting me, I had realized that I had a serious problem and knew that I couldn't go on any longer.  The conversation pushed me into a detox I was not ready for.  I went to my first day of work exhausted and Adderall free - it was hell. Looking back I'm not sure how I got through that week.  A few weeks in, I started to feel better and like my old self again.  But I would give in and take a friend's extra pill and found myself back at the doctors.  I have been getting prescriptions off and on for 6 years although my parents have no idea and we never spoke about it again.  I go through a vicious cycle of binging, coming down full of anxiety and shame, swearing that it'll be the last time, and then something happens and I'm right back where I started.  I tell myself or a friend I am bumming pills from that I have a deadline at work, I'm tired, etc. The truth is that whenever I feel lonely, bored, sad, or out of control, I decide that I need it and go on a mission to get it.  I know that I am better off Adderall and that I've made a complete mess of my life.  When I'm on it, I say and do things that I would never normally do if I weren't on it.  I wake up the next day, full of shame, and need to take more to distract myself.  I want my life to change but I continue to do the very thing that I know is the reason I am stuck in the same place.  I want to be happy and healthy, yet I just can't help but sabotage every chance I get.  

Not having anyone to talk to doesn't help and the friends that I have tried to confide in don't understand and become uncomfortable, and I don't blame them.  I think talking to someone who understands might be what I need to finally stop, which is why I finally decided to post my story.  I usually visit this site when I'm depressed and coming down and reading other people's stories makes me feel less alone so I figured asking for advice would feel that much better. 

 

 

 

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I have so been there. I know exactly how you feel. The good part is that you sound like you are ready to quit! You can do this. It won't be easy, but you can do this! :)

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Thank you so much!  It's so encouraging to hear that you know exactly how I feel.  I took the last of what I had yesterday and I promised myself not to call my doctor for a refill this week and then go from there hopefully feeling stronger. Thanks again :)

2 hours ago, bluemoon said:

I have so been there. I know exactly how you feel. The good part is that you sound like you are ready to quit! You can do this. It won't be easy, but you can do this! :)

 

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"The truth is that whenever I feel lonely, bored, sad, or out of control, I decide that I need it and go on a mission to get it.  I know that I am better off Adderall and that I've made a complete mess of my life.  When I'm on it, I say and do things that I would never normally do if I weren't on it.  I wake up the next day, full of shame, and need to take more to distract myself" 

Reading those few lines REALLY hit home for me. You're not alone. I was in the same binge crash cycle as you, and I didn't have anyone to talk about this kinda stuff with either until I started posting here even if I don't personally know the other members. My advice is to cut off your supply if it is possible. I told my psych a very broad reason for wanting to quit (and actually lying about tapering as I know tapering would be impossible for me) and honestly I feel a weight off my shoulder. If you can I would suggest starting there. I know exactly how you feel about the feeling defeated and trying to just forget it with more addy. Good on you for admitting you wanna stop by posting here. I am early into my sobriety but I have to admit this website helps SO much. Good luck :)

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Not calling your doctor for a refill when you first quit will be tough — but you've got this! 

If you feel yourself reaching for that phone just get on here. Talk to people who understand. 

You can do it. :D

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