My Story - Trying to Quit...Again

[Jan34]

I first took adderall ten years ago during my freshman year of college.  My friend saw me in the library struggling to write a paper and handed me a blue 10mg pill, telling me how it would make me focus.  The rush of euphoria and invincibility hit me almost instantly and I've been chasing that high in one way or another ever since.  I always had a hard time concentrating in school and now I was able to sit in the same position for hours on end, unable to get up until the work was done.  I've had eating/body issues since high school and I had suddenly found a pill that eliminated my appetite.  Since that day, I've either been trying to get Adderall, high on Adderall, or coming down.  I bought pills from different people during college, spending more money that I even want to think about.  

After I graduated, I gained 15 lbs and was absolutely miserable.  I found a psychiatrist who had me fill out a survey and immediately wrote me a prescription for a month supply of 20mgs which soon jumped to 40mg.  I typically took 60-120mgs a day and after a few months of living with my parents completely cracked out of my mind, they could tell I was "on something".  My mom found my pill bottle hidden in my purse the day before I was starting my first full time job.  She came into my room and said hand over your pills.  After protesting, then crying, I finally gave up.  Prior to her confronting me, I had realized that I had a serious problem and knew that I couldn't go on any longer.  The conversation pushed me into a detox I was not ready for.  I went to my first day of work exhausted and Adderall free - it was hell. Looking back I'm not sure how I got through that week.  A few weeks in, I started to feel better and like my old self again.  But I would give in and take a friend's extra pill and found myself back at the doctors.  I have been getting prescriptions off and on for 6 years although my parents have no idea and we never spoke about it again.  I go through a vicious cycle of binging, coming down full of anxiety and shame, swearing that it'll be the last time, and then something happens and I'm right back where I started.  I tell myself or a friend I am bumming pills from that I have a deadline at work, I'm tired, etc. The truth is that whenever I feel lonely, bored, sad, or out of control, I decide that I need it and go on a mission to get it.  I know that I am better off Adderall and that I've made a complete mess of my life.  When I'm on it, I say and do things that I would never normally do if I weren't on it.  I wake up the next day, full of shame, and need to take more to distract myself.  I want my life to change but I continue to do the very thing that I know is the reason I am stuck in the same place.  I want to be happy and healthy, yet I just can't help but sabotage every chance I get.  

Not having anyone to talk to doesn't help and the friends that I have tried to confide in don't understand and become uncomfortable, and I don't blame them.  I think talking to someone who understands might be what I need to finally stop, which is why I finally decided to post my story.  I usually visit this site when I'm depressed and coming down and reading other people's stories makes me feel less alone so I figured asking for advice would feel that much better. 

 

 

 

[bluemoon]

I have so been there. I know exactly how you feel. The good part is that you sound like you are ready to quit! You can do this. It won't be easy, but you can do this!

[Jan34]

Thank you so much!  It's so encouraging to hear that you know exactly how I feel.  I took the last of what I had yesterday and I promised myself not to call my doctor for a refill this week and then go from there hopefully feeling stronger. Thanks again

2 hours ago, bluemoon said:

I have so been there. I know exactly how you feel. The good part is that you sound like you are ready to quit! You can do this. It won't be easy, but you can do this!

 

[Speeder906]

"The truth is that whenever I feel lonely, bored, sad, or out of control, I decide that I need it and go on a mission to get it.  I know that I am better off Adderall and that I've made a complete mess of my life.  When I'm on it, I say and do things that I would never normally do if I weren't on it.  I wake up the next day, full of shame, and need to take more to distract myself" 

Reading those few lines REALLY hit home for me. You're not alone. I was in the same binge crash cycle as you, and I didn't have anyone to talk about this kinda stuff with either until I started posting here even if I don't personally know the other members. My advice is to cut off your supply if it is possible. I told my psych a very broad reason for wanting to quit (and actually lying about tapering as I know tapering would be impossible for me) and honestly I feel a weight off my shoulder. If you can I would suggest starting there. I know exactly how you feel about the feeling defeated and trying to just forget it with more addy. Good on you for admitting you wanna stop by posting here. I am early into my sobriety but I have to admit this website helps SO much. Good luck

[KimR]

Not calling your doctor for a refill when you first quit will be tough — but you've got this! 

If you feel yourself reaching for that phone just get on here. Talk to people who understand. 

You can do it. 

[Sossi]

" I want my life to change but I continue to do the very thing that I know is the reason I am stuck in the same place.  I want to be happy and healthy, yet I just can't help but sabotage every chance I get. "

This is the realization I came to on Saturday March 17th. I got paranoid that one of my adult children was going to declare me mentally incompetent. I had recently moved the contents of a storage locker that held the remaining contents of a four bedroom house I closed when theee of my children moved to their Dad's. My fourth child (a young adult)  lives with a roommate. The storage contents were strewn about and piled high in my now 400 square foot apartment that I live in by myself. I looked at all that shit - the wreckage of my past and the four walls around me and I realized I was never going to get any better, that I was never going to realize any of my dreams, and that i was never going to earn back my self respect, nor the respect of my children if I didn't change, namely quitting the amphetamines (Vyvanse in my case).  

 

That first sentence holds the key to my new found freedom, as sluggish and lethargic as that freedom is today. "Came to the realization". Yes, something had brought me the gift of step two. "Came to Believe". It was definitely the beginning of the spiritual experience that had evaded me in attempting to get off this drug. The next part of my spiritual experience came after I finished a nice conversation with my son later that same day. I was sitting in the sun - - rarity in this month of March having just been declared the rainiest March in Vancouver, if you can believe that, since 1937. I started researching natural supplements to help get off stimulants and also researching what stimulant overuse does to our bodies and brains. I was horrified, but determined that this was the end of my love hate relationship with Vyvanse. I rode that pink cloud until the next day, and the next amazing part of my spiritual experience.  I was sitting in Starbucks - now not having slept for three days, but having taken my last pill the morning of the day before and this guy asks if I am finished with the newspaper on my table and sits down beside me. I honestly still question if this guy was even human, and felt maybe he was a guardian angel that walked in. He starts steering the conversation towards me: asks me point blank if I have a problem with prescription medication, which I initially denied and then gets to the point where he got me to accept his prescription for my freedom, which was this: "just do step three and step seven every day and drink lots of water". Finally when I was on my knees so to speak and bawling my eyes out, I watched as he was fairly moved, his eyes open wide while I recited from memory those very steps and then  said to him: "can i get an amen". Lol - so I get up get some water, because I am now willing and teachable and go to the bathroom and come back. We stood up, we gave each other a big hug and he walked out the door. All I know is he said his name was Phil. Bizarre and amazing and now I am on day 13 cold turkey - ouch! It's been brutal - I haven't been keeping up on the prayers and water these past few days.  This site really helped a great deal tonight. Holy shmoly I think I am in for the ride of my life. If I stick to it I know everything is going to change - drastic, positive change. I know this and feel this but it doesn't stop my longing for the drug and my lethargy, boredom and serious low energy. I am 52 - almost 53 and a year into menopause. I've gained about 13 pounds already and it sucks. Gaining back my credibility, a life worth living, self respect and the respect of my children and siblings will be worth it, so worth it. I hope I can make it this time. Came to believe - yes! Turning it over? I can turn it over when I come here - my hope comes from all of you. Tons of gratitude and respect to everyone here - especially the founder, Mike. Wow, thanks. Feeling shitty will pass eventually but it will never pass if I continue the cycle of going back. Love to all ❤️