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crashandburn

How did I get to this point?

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Hey guys...here's my introduction and battle with Adderall for anyone who cares to read. Sorry in advance for the long post. 

First time I took Adderall was like the other 98% of you all...in college trying to studying for finals haha. I tried it for the first time my junior year during finals week, but didn't like how it made me feel or the appetite suppression. It did make me perform academic tasks with ease...however the cons outweighed the "pros" to me at the time. I was a Top 15 Division 1 athlete then so the heart racing and whole not eating thing would have been detrimental...plus at the time, I didn't think this was a miracle drug or anything that I actually needed in my life. 

After my senior year I decided I no longer wanted to pursue a Professional career playing my sport (biggest mistake of my life) so I started Grad School shortly after. I had a roommate at the time who took adderall to study so I would take some of his here and there for a big test or a full day of studying. A few months into school I decided to get my own script, which was easily obtained, and there you have it...I had my first Adderall prescription, 20 mg IR. Throughout school, I never took more than 10 mg at a time and no more than 2-3x a week as I was still very physically active and did not feel the need to take it often. I would take frequent breaks or hiatuses...a months prescription would easily last me 2 months. This lasted about 2 years. 

Fast forward to beginnig of 2015, this is when the potential abuse started to manifest itself. At the time I was not happy where I was at career-wise and felt like I kept fucking things up. This is when I Got my script changed to 30mg IR...and took it almost daily, taking weekend breaks. I was very physically active at this time, and actually in the best shape of my life, working out actually was the only thing that allowed control over my usage. A few months later.... I started my own business and would occasionally take 45-60mg on days that "I had a lot to do". Over halfway into the year, I got an amazing work opportunity and left the country for 60 days. I wanted to focus on my physical fitness on my downtime, so I left the Adderall at home and went 60 days without it no problem. 

I thought that would be the end of it, I was no longer in school....I didn't really NEED it anymore, right? Wrong...I was so very wrong.

I remember the first time I took quadruple my prescribed dose, January 2016. A few days before, I had been informed my Father had been air lifted to the ER because he had been in septic shock and was currently in ICU. I work in Emergency Medicine so I know more than the average individual about how serious his circumstance is. There was a point where his outcome was uncertain. And that's the day I took 120 mg of Adderall, immersed myself into my work, and tried to forget what was actually happening in my world. 

I felt awful the next day. I didn't sleep at all the night before (a first for me) and for the first time, I felt like a fucking crack head junkie piece of shit. I was sweaty, jittery, anxious, paranoid, and beyond sad at the thought of possibly losing my Father. I was so disgusted with myself and how I felt, I told myself I would never take that high of a dose again. I took a break from the Adderall for a few days, but that was about it. My Father ended up pulling through, and got out of the hospital a few weeks later and is as healthy as can be to this day. 

A few weeks later, I resumed my daily Adderall intake, but this time with a vengeance. I was trying to start up my own business in my spare time, so I started taking 60-80mg daily. I was no longer physically active at this time, as I wasn't eating or sleeping enough to have the energy for it. Some days I would take upwards of 100mg. It became my norm, and a months prescription would last 10 days at best. When I'd run out, I would crash HARD. Sleeping all day, no energy or motivation to do anything, except eat a LOT of fucking unhealthy food. This lasted probably 7-8 months before I finally broke down and realized I was addicted and was abusing the shit out of this drug. I couldn't believe it...me, ME?! I used to not even give a fuck about Adderall. I've been prescribe for years and always took HALF my prescribed dose for years. This couldn't happen to me, I can't be an addict. I was a collegiate athlete, I was supposed to go to the fucking Pros...

I felt god awful....I couldn't get out of bed, I was depressed as hell, I had slowly cut out my family and friends for months, had been a piece of dick shit to my wonderful girlfriend for god knows how long....and was just realizing it. I no longer had hobbies,I just...was. My career took a downward spiral, my once successful startup now was going downhill....what the fuck happened to my life?

And here I am today...I've tried to quit twice unsuccessfully. First time lasted a month. The second time lasted 2 months and I was starting to feel great. So I figured I could take it more responsibly this time around. Wrong again. While I don't take any after 3 PM so that I can sleep, and have stuck true to that, I still take around 50-70 mg and my script runs out in 2 weeks. I guess it's a small improvement but not really. I should have never taken it again. 

I'm still having a very hard time coming to turns with "being an addict"...I haven't admitted it to anyone except my girlfriend and I casually told my best friend that I "abused it once". But that's it. I don't know how to ACTUALLY quit. I feel like I need it, but I know I don't. I just wish I was back to my old self. The me who enjoys working out and cooking and music and going out and having fun. I miss the me who had genuine hobbies and interests, not  this Adderall fueled bullshit version of me  

Anyways, for anyone who actually managed to read my incessantly long rant, I appreciate it and appreciate any words of advice anyone has for me. Thanks. 

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It's hard to picture yourself as an addict sometimes because it's Adderall. We all know the devastating truth, but most of the world does not.

Ever seen Adderall on an episode of Intervention? Nope. They give it to pre-schoolers for goodness sake! 

When I hear the world addict I picture a heroin user, who shoots up all day and lives on the streets. Or at least I used to. 

Now I know what an addict looks like. 

Popping orange pills and editing the same photo for four hours. 

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That's how I feel. When I think of an addict I think of an uncontrollable alcoholic or someone using some hardcore drugs like coke or heroin. Or even someone who abuses their pain meds...when someone thinks of a "pill popper" they think of pain killers, muscle relaxers, opioids. Someone who's destroyed their life, pushed away family and friends, and would do anything they can to get high... 

In retrospect, I suppose I'm no different really. I've done essentially nothing with my life for the last 2 years and have been a slave to this evil drug. Pushed away family and friends...I'm no different....I am an addict.  

The worst part of it all is, for years I was taking this drug in a POSITIVE way, for a POSITIVE outcome. It was all innocent, I didn't even think something like this was possible. This wasn't some illegal drug I had to get in the back alley and feel sketchy about. This was given to me by my friendly Dr who spoke highly of it.

I thought I was alone in being addicted to Adderall and letting it control my life. Glad I found this site though with support, thanks all <3

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3 hours ago, KimRelli said:

It's hard to picture yourself as an addict sometimes because it's Adderall. We all know the devastating truth, but most of the world does not.

Ever seen Adderall on an episode of Intervention? Nope. They give it to pre-schoolers for goodness sake! 

When I hear the world addict I picture a heroin user, who shoots up all day and lives on the streets. Or at least I used to. 

Now I know what an addict looks like. 

Popping orange pills and editing the same photo for four hours. 

The "popping orange pills and editing the same photo for four hours" gave me a good laugh haha so thank you for that. 

Figured if I can't laugh at myself in my worst times, then the road to recovery will be pretty grim. 

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44 minutes ago, crashandburn said:

The "popping orange pills and editing the same photo for four hours" gave me a good laugh haha so thank you for that. 

Figured if I can't laugh at myself in my worst times, then the road to recovery will be pretty grim. 

Glad you liked it. :D

Another thing is when you're doing something completely legal you don't have that fear of being arrested.

I did coke a couple times in my early twenties but was too paranoid to make it a habit. It felt wonderful, but getting a felony on my record wasn't worth it.  

I'm not trying to stand up for Adderall. I just think that's why it was an easy thing to get addicted to. Adderall is definitely turning me in to someone I don't like or respect anymore. Even if I take it as prescribed (not that it ever lasts in the long run) I still feel icky. It's not the true me. 

This is what I want in my life: to be happy (maybe manage to actually laugh again) and find peace, or at least just not to feel guilty, panicked, sick, and impulsive. 

I know life is better without Adderall. Not just better but real. 

I want reality back! 

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