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rachel7822

Day 7--really struggling and need help- was feeling better but now depression has set in

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So today is day 7 of quitting, and I found out that my doctor called in my prescriptions for Adderall and Vyvanse (I meant to tell him Friday but the office was closed when I got there--sketchy) so I see him this Friday. My husband told me if I don't have the strength to resist that he would pick them up for me and throw them away when I am at work.  I slept for about 2 hours on Saturday but seemed slightly less fatigued on Sunday but I know I'm probably experiencing a "pink cloud", I still have zero motivation at work but was starting to feel like myself more yesterday and the day before--less fatigue and the sillier self that I used to be--laughing a lot and talking to friends. Last night I told my family and some close friends and even though they are supportive and say they aren't disappointed with me and that addiction never goes away but I feel so terrible and ashamed. I'm sitting at my desk right now at work trying not to bawl. I feel like such a failure for letting it get to this point, and I am praying that I have the strength to not pick up those prescriptions. I keep reminding myself how bad it had gotten halfway through taking Adderall, barely having the strength to shower or brush my teeth, getting up ten minutes before I had to go to work, sleeping with the bottle next to my bed because I physically could not get up without taking it first. I couldn't exercise because I thought I would have a heart attack and I would go all day without eating and then binge at night when it wore off- I didn't even lose any weight and I'm afraid of gaining more now. I am giving myself a week to eat whatever I want and then going to clean eating. I stopped my antidepressants and mood stabilizer and did feel better but I can't figure out if its from not taking Adderall or if its because I've been medicated for 15 years and I dont know what it feels like to be off of these drugs, so I decided to start taking them again since I don't want to do too much at once. I know I'm lucky to have such a good support system but I just feel so ashamed of myself and I know I will have good and bad days but it is so hard.It's hard for me to even write a simple email at work and I find myself ignoring them until the last minute. I do feel more outgoing but my biggest problem is I have massive anxiety and am prescribed to Klonopin. I'm afraid of stopping this at the same time but know I can't be on it forever, especially if I want to have kids one day. I contacted my old therapist (who I blew off last time) and considered meetings, but from my past experience they are not very open to people taking any kind of psychiatric medication so I am reluctant to go--I dont want to build relationships based on a lie. But maybe things have changed as I havent been to a meeting in years. Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This site has helped me tremendously and ultimately led me to the decision to quit. I know I can't live like that anymore or I will lose everything. I'm having some other health problems but I am hoping they dissipate as time goes on...heres hoping. I'm glad I was even able to write this and that gives me some hope.

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Hope you doing ok.  I got through 5 days and caved.  I am taking less than I was and am aware, which it sounds like you are as well.

The thing that hit me about your post is when you said you feel more outgoing, sillier and laughing off the adderall.  I didn't know Adderall would/could take that part away....  I definitely feel like my personality, "fun-ness". Is gone...I just never thought to blame it on adderall.  It is encouraging to hear that you are getting some positives from quitting.

I'm gonna try to set myself up to quit, again when my husband leaves  in a week.....

 

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