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Jennyleighleigh

Beyond luck, right place and time

4 posts in this topic

My first post was last night, day 2, essentially cold turkey but have had my dose lowered the past 6 months or so from 60mg to 30, and when I ran out early I'd dip into the hubbys stash til I'd get more. The reduced dose helps, even tho I wasn't exactly planning this, it's become a more and more important thing for me, and finally I just said Yeah, it's time. 

My story is long and depressing but I'll keep things concise.  I once attempted to quit before, a spiritual sorta existential crisis, always the catalyst for me, I gave my whole script away. I must not have been able to fill that void with anything of substance because I wasn't off it long. That was probably the 2 year mark. Then the 5 year mark, I quit because of the Great Adderall Drought of 2010, cuz my lacking insurance made the cost too obscene. I got desperate, quitting wasn't my choice yet, I was squeezed out of the system. I got on antidepressants (after earning the status of INSURED for the first time in my entire adult life),  trying to get closer to the root of my symptoms ( but not the root of my problems ), during which I gained 40 lbs, still never left the couch ( when that was my first complaint being off the adds), acquired insulin resistance beyond my already pre diabetic status... Got off the antidepressants. 

Sidenote: Ego and the Doctor. This doctor refused to treat my depression with adderall, instead he pushed new and novel antidepressants that worsened my health beyond adderalls damage. Never checked my thyroid, my vitamin D, etc. When severe back pain made my leg go numb, he pushed steroids, another 40 lbs, blamed arthritis (at 29 years old) and never issued an mri to check my discs. He was convinced, despite my protests to the contrary, that he was right under any and all circumstances. Thankfully I stopped seeing him. But the next Dr happily obliged my add request, as "it's always worked so well for me in the past"...

Fast forward to present. I should say my living situation changed dramatically after my mom died in late April 2015, my fiance, my cat, and myself moved in w my dad to help him after her passing. It's 40 minutes from where we were, but economically so depressed, the capital of the opioid epidemic. West Virginia is beautiful, but it is very poor. Most people commute daily to DC or suburbs therein for work. I was no exception, til my salon went out of business and closed its door Dec 2016. 

I've been unemployed since February, and homebound (I never learned to drive) and more stuck and stagnant and confused than I've ever been.. more depressed, psychotic at times, anxious, all these negative things. But what better time than now to reclaim my life off the adderall?? No place of work needs me. I have all the time in the world to do what I need. 

What really really worries me, and I've seen it all over this forum, is how recovery from this shit takes forever, and how the majority of the effort is psychological, when that was beauty of taking it in the first place. No effort necessary.  How does one choose the rougher road when we've all come to know how smooth and shiny it's alternative? How many kids all grown up now would give their fucking arms or legs to not know that slick speed highway. 

I have so many statistical questions about this drug, about the types of people for whom it's a death sentence; is it gonna be like the focus one day, and we'll all get cut off suddenly and have to turn to the streets for meth?? Like, what the fuck, government. What have you sanctioned? What rotting takes place on the soul level?  That might not matter to many people, but it fucking matters to me. 

I lost myself a long time ago. I no longer see any meaning in my life, I don't have any meaning to cling to, and I'm trying to change that any way I know how.  And I know things can always get worse, but in this brain, in this void where once there was an eager young mind, this is pretty fucking bad. I don't know who I am and my purpose is to find me and save me, if there is any me left. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I'm sure there will be many more to come.

Ps: coffee does the brain some good. There are many cohesive sentences up there ^^^!!!!

*I must be in here somewhere*

 

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I feel like I should also say that I kicked a pretty heavy opiate habit months after my mom died in 2015 with the help of Kratom. I cannot say enough good things about that herb. I'm using it now too, to help with my energy levels, but not sure if it's helping at all. 

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Congrats for kicking the habit! It is a brutal road that only few can really make.

 

That being said, be careful with kratom. I developed a pretty bad addiction to it over the last year and quitting that stuff is no fun. The withdrawals are much like an opiate and can linger for months. Watch your doses, take off days and only use it when you need to. 

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If your going to quit your husband will also need to. If not it will be damn near impossible to stay off it long term. 

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