Same Shit (kinda?) Same Toilet

[Speeder906]

Last time I was here I wrote that I had relapsed and that was a month ago. I asked my psych to put me back on adderall because I was overwhelmed with college (my second quarter back post-dropping out due to adderall burn out 2 years ago) and when I am faced with even minor stress these days I just go straight for the pills. Ironically it doesn't make me feel less stressed or even help me focus and get that much done anymore so idk why it's even a solution in my dumbass head. I haven't gotten the adderall-study session effect in over a year. Why would this be different? Either way I ran out last month but 2 weeks later went to my psych (my goal was to talk about my anxiety, loneliness, and depression worsening) but instead in our very brief visit (I try to get my $ worth and tell her about my life even if she obviously wants to know about the adderall) which lasted 10 min she suggested an increase in dose since I have long school days. Long story short .. Not only did I manage to get my dose increased (w/o asking even), but I got a refill that same day and it was for two months instead of my usual one month supply. Honestly it's so painful thinking back to that day because I remember having good intentions. I didn't want to binge, isolate myself, be wired awake.. I was trying to remember that on my way out of the pharmacy because after running out last time I went as far as to but Ritalin from a coworker (fucking hated Ritlain so much - more zombie like than with adderall) so I didn't wanna go down that road again. 

Next thing I knew I was 3 pills in, not 10 after leaving the pharmacy. Justifying myself by thinking of all the school work I have to do and will get done because I have adderall now! Nope.Same shit happened that day like every other time I picked up a refill. Binge over 100mg first day, use 100mg+ to stay awake the next, and so on. Same thing: sweaty as hell and tweaked out at work which was harder than usual because just about the whole store was quitting due to a new manager coming in (i was looking for less stressful jobs on the side but didn't have any luck at the time), Like I said.. same shit.. felt awful as I rapidly cut myself off from everyone even my family in the same house. Claiming to have lots of hw. I did, but I wasn't doing it. Mostly staring off into space or hating myself again.  

In the (very likely) event some didn't want to read my adderall-rambling nonsense above.. here's the gist: relapsed twice in two months, somehow got a dose increase and got two months supply instead of one month, and per usual fooled myself into thinking I had control over my use. Again I was on another adderall binge that within the first few days caused me to act like before but this time around I had the pleasure of watching myself fuck up my life even more by quitting my job without a backup (and keeping that from my parents who i live with), skipping class most of this whole week, stay at home literally all week long, and manage to keep up the binge to my now 8th day on a constant 100-180mg dose. I feel more depressed and alone now more than ever where it makes me want to sit and cry. I'm so desperate to not feel alone or like I'm at a stand-still that I just use adderall to speed things up, hoping to reach a point in time where things are better but the fact is that point will never exist if I stay like this. Never. It's taken me almost 9 days of this misery to realize the reason I do this. I don't know the underlying cause 100% but for the first time I have discovered a good chunk of the reason. Unlike ever before I have pills left and I want to give them up. Normally I'd "want" to quit cause I had to. I won't last the whole 2 months but the least I can do, I think, is gradually take a little less and not go back above it (recently went from 150mg down to 120mg) and it's the last chance and only choice I have to cushion the blow i will surely feel when I am without adderall for the next month and a half (two months basically). 

My inner voice (inner-critic/addict) makes me feel hopeless and doomed, but in my short time being a member of this community, I have been told/shown/etc that isn't ever the case. Even with me as far gone as this week makes me feel like I am. I like to think the mere fact I would post here again, the fact I literally locked my pills out in my car (yeah.. I know..), and the fact that even with pills left I am getting ready to quit once more, that maybe, just maybe, I am not as weak and pathetic as I thought. I may not be perfect (even w/ adderall) but I really am trying my fucking best to not let this defeat break me. Not again. I know I am stronger now. Each backslide just means I have something new to learn for the next time. Each fuck up occurs to teach me something I didn't know last time. Writing these things make me feel whole again for the first time in quite some time. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Cheers 

 

[hyper_critical]

I read the whole thing. Getting off and staying off Adderall has to be your #1 priority. Or not, and you can continue as you are.

All the psychobabble in the world, talking about your anxiety, career, school, etc won't do a damn thing until you deal with the elephant in the room. 

You know you're addicted to this stuff. You know you can't take it as prescribed. You know it doesn't work for you any more.

I've been where you're at. It doesn't get better. There aren't a bunch of lessons you need to learn from continued relapse. Do what you've gotta do to quit and stay quit.

Good luck. 

[Frank B]

Big thing keeping me from ever really consider seriously going back is stories like yours. Although it sucks and your still trying to get yourself on the path to freedom your helping others know it or not by sharing and appreciate that.

Have you ever been straight up with your parents about your problem? Were they the ones who got you on this stuff when you were younger? They should understand either way why you started and how serious this is. Yes you may need to hold off on college for awhile. But honestly you have to get your life right or none of that will do you any good. I'd start by telling them the truth ,say you feel it's serious and need drug rehab/ counseling because you've lost hope in your life on adderall and keep abusing your prescription but want to stop using it all together. If you have that option you better jump on it right away. I had to pay out of pocket for my own rehab that's how badly I wanted off. Some people can quit and not need that support but if you've tried quitting multiple times on your own it's safe to say you probably can't do it alone. Wish you luck. 

[Jennyleighleigh]

Gotta love that "best of intentions" feeling tho, right, cashing in the next script "this time will be different" determination...

Maybe trying to exercise your will power over things that aren't so compulsory, things you can control, and trying to build that strength will help your overall big and final quit when that hoappens.

It seems like adderall has a mind of its own after you've been using it for a long time... no longer do YOU decide where your focus and energy will be. For me it came in great spurts of creativity for a day or two at a time, while in between for weeks or months were periods of great uninspiration and depression.  So the nature of the drug itself does not lend it's uses to that aspiration of quitting, but does so in retrospect, or after a particularly taxing binge.

You are learning your patterns and that's crucial for learning to deny your cravings when they come. You'll figure out exact moments that often trigger your compulsion  to use. It may be useful to write them down when it happens, what pushes you to need to use. You can then meditate on the root causes of this later. And as you already know, just the act of writing it out helps process how difficult all this is.

These things have to be addressed and in time the exercise of denying yourself and empowering your will makes you so much stronger!! You have to focus on the smallest of achievements... and meanwhile try not to mock yourself for these small things. A lot of little steps amount to a big step. My self hate is always making fun of how big I make the small things.