Jennifer0614

i need to know whats normal

13 posts in this topic

I admit that I have a problem/addiction to adderall. It doesn't surprise me. I always liked the energy of stimulants. But even though I have been hooked on nicotine and caffeine for years, i never thought something would take ahold of me like adderall has. I started snorting cocaine at one point just socially/recreationally. But when it started making me feel like shit the next day and wasnt worth it to me anymore i stopped. Ive been offered coke plenty of times since and have no problem turning it down. But Addy has ruined me. And I know this. I know that I lose control and binge until im sick and have probably overdosed. I have laid in bed with blue toes, cold, sweating, heart fluttering, left arm hurting and said to myself i am going to kill myself if i dont stop. I get up and flush the rest down the toilet even though a part of me doesn't want to. I make my mind up that thats it. There is so much more to life than this. I go through the hell of withdrawal and severe depression. Ive had clinical depression most of my life and take medication but even with my medicine the depression is horrible. I do all this. I feel like a stranger to myself for a few weeks. I have thoughts that are confusing. Conflicting. Horrible. I get through it and eventually life and myself seem familiar again and I think oh, i finally got here. Things make sense. Im ok. I dont know how I forgot that life is better without adderall. What was i thinking? Im never taking that shit again. Im confident. But eventually, without me even realizing it, i try again. Just one time. To get shit done. I wont lose control. I just need it one day to get all these errands done and the house cleaned. I know after going through this for several years now that its the addiction that tricks me. But I dont recognize it when it happens. I just need to know that im normal. That all of this is normal and im not crazy. And that im not a total piece of shit who is weak and could stop if she really wanted to. Because i do stop. For a while. But I always forget that the first high isnt worth all i go through. I forget where it always ends up. Until im there. I also would like to know is it normal to feel like you aren't sure of anything? Like, my thoughts get so jumbled I cant tell what my "truth" is. How do i separate my true self from the thoughts the addiction is making me think? If anyone could please offer any advice, tips, criticism anything. I have a hard time opening up to people and being social as it is because of my anxiety disorder. I need some support from people who get it. I need to know that I will be ok and normal again.

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Youre a normal addict. All of these thoughts are completely normal and ive been there with the exact same symptoms and concerns. Youre not a piece of shit. Youre right, no adderall high-fake feeling of cracked out euphoria is worth sacrificing your true self for. My best advice is to go to an NA meeting, get a sponsor, get to know yourself and deal with the shit in your life that you know you need to deal with. Its inevitavble.  Its fucking hard but continuing the spiral of addiction is x1000 more painful.

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I appreciate this so much. Just knowing that there is a reason for all of these thoughts helps. I guess it kinda gives some control back. Even saying I have an addiction as much as it sucks, it at least puts a name to it. Ive been debating on wether I need inpatient rehab. Im not against it at all. I know the fact that I still have responsibilities while trying to quit doesn't help. But its just not financially possible for me to go to rehab right now. And sometimes i think it will make me stronger to push through while still doing what i have to do like work and bills and family. But maybe thats not a good thought. I dont know. I try not to obsess too much. Its a battle in itself. But I agree either way I need education and support. Someone to walk me through it. To remind me of reality when my thoughts get away from me. Did you do rehab or NA?

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I know what you mean i was in med school when i decided to quit and i also thought that powering thru on my own would make me stronger. But it was too hard seeing as studying was my trigger. I took off this semester and im in an out patient clinic twice a week and then NA meetings on top of that. 

 

Support is key. Reaching out to people on this forum was my first step on my road to recovery. Congrats for getting serious about quitting, if i can so can you. :)

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Hi, I'm a Jennifer too :) I joined this forum about 10 days ago when I, like you, decided it was time to stop.  So much in your description is very similar experience to me, the clinical depression, the social anxiety. I got to a point where if I continued got use adderall and continued to lose what little self I had left after 12 years, there'd be no point to any of this "life".  What I'm trying to break away from is other people's expectations of what their "life" means that is somehow superimposed on top of my own perspective. The things that slowly kill us and our soul over time (dead end miserable jobs, rat races, this innate need to get things done and get our shit together) at the end of the fucking day, is SOMEBODY ELSE'S AGENDA. Yes, we need to work to survive. We also need to KNOW OURSELVES or we'll always be playing catch-up in our lives. 

I honestly think, and this is my experience, no doubt different than yours, that working on your mind post-adderall, the hard shit, the traumas that seem like nothing compared to war vets, the ugly mean bitch in there that is secretly stealing vital energy that you so desperately need, these shadows in yourself need to come to light. And this sorta sweeping, cleaning out of the attic so to speak, can give you the fresh perspective you need to find out WHO YOU ARE, where you are going, and what truly matters to you so you aren't constantly feeding that void.  It hurts like fuck but I know one day, for me, it will be worth it. 

I'm ten days sober, and that's my surface as I've scratched it. Your truth might be very different. For me this is a massive undertaking, and I can't be successful unless my eyes are clean. 

I hope this helps in some way.

I've just always felt so lost day to day, every day it seemed worse until I'd create some fiction about myself in some manic episode or delusion of grandeur. And this is like that, but I'm not high anymore. So maybe I'm insane. I can only know and respond to a life that I build for me, and yeah I gotta start all over, at 33 years old, unmarried, unemployed and possibly pregnant. But goddamn it, at least it's gonna be real. It's all I got left. 

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Wow. The similarities are crazy. Im 33 as well. And I think deep down i am terrified that I have to "figure life out" all over again. I thought i was finally comfortable and secure. But I guess it was just the adderall. Obviously life is never secure. And there will always be change. Thats something ive never dealt with well. The fact that there is nothing you can really "trust". Or hold onto. And I guess thats why I really do need to get to know my true self because i will be with her for life. Lol. She is the one thing that will always be there. Wherever I go. I have never had self esteem or confidence in myself. I never trusted myself to be capable and worthy and important just as me. Not needing anything. You mention creating a fiction of yourself in some manic episode or delusion of grandeur. Are you bipolar? Im very curious about this because i was diagnosed bipolar 12 years ago and I just dont believe i am. Im not against the idea. I know some bipolar people are in denial. But ive tried. Ive taken the lithium and abilify and lamictal and whatever else they have to add to stop the side effects of those. Im tired of lieing to myself. The shit doesn't work. Im tired of hearing that im bipolar

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you're not crazy just an addict, just like me. It's finally starting to get better after 8 months sober. I can hold a conversation without trembling in my boots, and I feel like a human again. I still hate on myself a lot, but I've started making up songs every time I catch myself being mean to myself in my head, I sing "not gonna go down the self-hate rabbit hole..." I'm learning healthy things. I'm so proud of you for coming to this forum and so grateful that this community exists you guys help me so much. 

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I have been diagnosed 'clinically depressed', but that was when I was a preteen. Then they thought it was just low self esteem. When I was 16 I felt I was on the verge of paranoid schizophrenia, I had experiences that I cannot deny were real fucking weird and my friends were there and remember. I try very hard to keep myself grounded, and adderall was the biggest anchor. But now, it's another existential crisis, I don't know what I want out of life. There's so many things that fascinate me and I can't seem to narrow anything down to pursue. And I have to constantly remind myself that it's MY life, no one else's. For all I know and for all that actually matters, this world is all a construct of my conciousness... so if I don't "do me" first then nothing matters!! and if everybody in the world is gonna walk around pretending everythings okay, that's their prerogative, not mine. 

You mentioned change, and the one NA (I think) quote that resonates with me so hard is "when the pain of staying there same is greater than the pain of changing, you'll change". If I hadn't accepted my fate as a vacant robot on speed for the rest of my life, and known that it would bring me insanity or prison or suicide (the suicide/insanity started to actually manifest in my life), then I wouldn't be doing this last grasp at finding out why I'm even here.

Some people live lives of great serendipity, right place right time kinda shit, and even on the mundane level. But the only thing these people have in common is they've always been true to themselves. That's what I want, that's what I'm missing. Integrity, focus, passion, determination, perseverance, etc etc. 

There was once a time in my life when I made decisions based on certain abstract symbols, or" signs" which I prefer not to call them cuz it's a lame word, but whatever force was once there has been gone for a long time. And that makes me sad, I don't know if I'll ever get back that guidance. I don't know how I lost it, but I'd bet it's because of a lack of being true to myself. 

 

 

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Sounds too familiar to my story also. Ive had manic episodes where ive completely lost my shit but they can all related to circumstances that i believe are chemically enduced by either anti-depressants, weed, alcohol, adderall or a combo of these. About three months ago when i was at my worst of adderall i had was sleep deprived and experienced psychosis. I saw a psychologist and then a psychiatrist and i they believed i was bipolar or schitzophrenic. 

I decided to get clean and healthy try therapy and if that didnt work western medicine will be my last resort. That Inclination that i had is really what i believe to be my higher power. Its the presence of Something within telling me that this needed to stop. 

 

Ive never been religious or anything but gaining spirituality has relieved a burdon from my shoulders like no other. I know now that i really am not in control of every aspect of my life and i dont need to be either. All i need to pay attention to is what i actually can control and what i cant, standing up for what i feel is right, and setting healthy boundaries. My higher power is that energy that flows within me and listening to gut feelings. I wasnt listening to my gut when I made decisions that landed me in a pretty shitty life situation. I was making decisions based on fear, seeking approval and power and building my ego. 

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Your story sounds a lot like mine I always loved stimulants etc. You mention you have tried to quit a couple times tell yourself your done flush your pills down the toilet. But then after couple days feeling normal you give in take a pill to complete some task. My question where did that pill come from? Or maybe you did flush them but still refilled your script? Im not like trying to judge I've been there myself. To really stop you can't go into this fight lukewarm. It's all or nothing u must have none around , must burn your refill scripts tell your doctor your a addict stop giving you refills and have no friends around you who use adderall. It feels drastic and it is! In order to really quit that's how committed you must be. This drug is very powerful and will be calling your name for months after you stop u can't let it win and if you still have some laying around or script ready to be filled well , the pills honestly already won. It's not like saying no to cocaine  when u did coke was it to clean the house or do school work etc? No probably not it's a party drug adderall is a work / "smart" drug that's why it's so fucking hard to stop! But sounds like you hit the wall of the benefits like it did all of us and you'll never get back those glory days it gave when u first started. Now all it will do is make you scattered brained and your only task will be taking and finding more adderall not really getting shit done. That's how it was for me towards the end and on top of that I found myself in a bad opiate pill addiction last two years. I was basically making up for that  euphoric feeling adderall once gave. Finally found myself as a full blown junkie and knew it was either stop, die or get arrested finding/buying oxy pills illegally. 

Good luck it's not easy like others say attend a NA group. Personally I did not do all the steps etc but still attended and it helped. Also this site is a life saver doubt I would have been able to stop without it. 

 

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Yes frank. I love the adrenaline feeling stimulants give. I feel very alive when my heart is pounding and my skin is clammy and the air hits it. I was never adhd or add. Just offered an addy by a friend one day. Didn't think twice because I was always looking for something for energy. I never dreamed it would end up here. I buy them from friends. Well, not friends. Just suppliers. Nice people. But I wouldn't have their number in my phone if they didn't have adderall. I know i need to change my number and block them. I need to change my whole environment and mind set. The truth is i tell myself im popping one to get something done but thats a lie. I just want to be high. But its a lie that I believe at the time. And sunnie, my spiritual side has gotten me through things that no medication ever could. "Giving it to God" was more powerful than any zanax or ativan. I didn't have to figure anything out. I just had to be

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Me too, Frank, and honestly my experience has been easier kicking opioid than adderall, there's always drug seeking behavior that is hard to overcome, but the psychological grip adderall has had on my life beats it all, except maybe caffeine and nicotine. 

I haven't been to any meetings before, and I'm not quite 2 weeks sober. But that is the longest self imposed adderall denial I've ever had. All the other times was usually problems in my supply, not quitting by choice. This is the strongest decision I've made in a long time, and can't wait to see what it  impacts will be, years down the road. 

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I did try substance abuse counseling at my therapist office. They would measure my withdrawal status. They told me that adderall withdrawal is very similar to opiod withdrawal

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