Spirit76

A once vibrant soul destroyed

6 posts in this topic

I feel that it is finally time to tell my story. I have been on Adderall for 13 years total. With a 3 year break about 5 1/2 years ago. I was first prescribed Adderall in college, it started with 10mg 3 times a day. I felt the best I ever have when I quit for three years, but when a stressful job entered my life, I decided to go back on to Adderall. My new prescription became 20 mg IR 4 times a day. I would often run out in 2 weeks and the doctor would write me another prescription, of the same amount, for the next two weeks. So in reality, I was taking 20mg 8 times a day for a total of 160 mg a day. And I am sure there were many days I took more. 

I am currently on 40 mg IR  and I need help. I have nowhere to turn. I have been inconsistent at work, suffering  from major fatigue. I have thought of suicide. I want to be free from this again, but I feel that I have done so much damage to my brain and body. I feel like when I stop taking my medication all I want to do is sleep. When I quit for 3 years, I actually felt okay without medication. It was a struggle and I gained weight. I had low self confidence, but there still seemed like there was hope and I was overall happy.

Now I don't know what to do. I was the primary earner in my family and we can't afford to have me quit. So, in the end, I suppose I am writing this to see if there is any hope or if I have completely ruined my life. I feel that I have completely ruined my life and I am worthless to society. Any advice on quitting and being able to get out of bed would be much appreciated. 

For all of you who are only a few years in-THERE is HOPE. Quit now, don't go down the road I did. You will get better in time. Same for all of you on low doses, you can overcome it.

Anyhow, that is my story. I had to get it out. Just in case there is still a chance at a normal life.

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There has got to be. You will find redemption. You did it before, and you can do it now. You have everything you need. Get angry!!! If you submit to the idea that it robbed you of who you are forever (which hasnt happened, if it had you probably wouldnt have reached out), then you resign your will to it. 

Its a BITCH and I am trying every moment of the day to forget about it how.easy.it makes the most basic.of things. I also dont give.a SHIT ANYMORE about what a grungy loser people might think I am, because they.dont know my struggle and they don't matter. You can still provide. Do you have to participate in the subliminal I'm better than you because I'm wearing clean expensive clothes? Challenge that shit! The creativity and the success and the purpose is all up here (pointing to my head) and if you live your life unapologetically (true to yourSELF), then the right things will come your way. And when they come, and they belong to you because you fertilized those possibilities, they will be far more rewarding and encouraging than an artificial enthusiasm spurred by.amphetamines. 

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Also I dont know shit about shit. I am telling myself this crap because I'm tired of hating myself and hating where i am in my life, so i quit the.only.thi.g.i felt had the power to change my whole perspective. The adderall. All of my 20s, 3 years of.my 30s. 

Dont let the fear of quitting, that fear of.pain and lethargy get you. If you can focus to make this decision to quit with the remaining LOVE you have in your heart for yourself and your LIFE, use it. 

 

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You are right. I have to look professional if I want to keep my job, but I have always been a fighter with a strong will. That is how I quit last time. I also exercised a lot and spent more time out in nature. You are right about getting ANGRY-I was ANGRY when I quit last time and wanted no part of the destruction that Adderall can wreak upon life. Thank you for responding, it feels good to know there are people out here who are supportive. 

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I think its just the nature of forums like these for people to read and not reply. God knows i lurked for days before i finally had to say basically "oh my god me too". It's my suspicion that we're similarly creative and vulnerable people, and that its really no coincidence we all tried adderall and liked it, we all felt we have some inherent "deficit" (attention, energy flow etc) and we're all afraid we will amount to nothing in society without it.  When i started taking it regularly, with a.prescription and a full time.job, I realized it truly anchored me, that without it I'm too flighty and woulda hopped a train hobo style years ago. Maybe i shoulda done that. Or maybe i need to learn to control my impulses and find things that are fulfilling so I dont wanna just go elsewhere when life gets boring. 

I also think people settle for too.little in their own lives, that maybe "the american dream" isn't as great as it sounds. Thats what i.was settling for with the aid.of adderall, that's what's expected of people . We have.to.be.productive members of society, and we don't have too many options to define what productive actually is. We're really just consumers, and maybe that's the real deficit. People i know who've made it to live "the dream" are terribly unhappy, alcoholics, on ever increasing doses of prozac (haha who even takes Prozac anymore!! So old school)... 

I'm constantly trying to reconcile what i actually want and i still have no idea. I'm also starting over from scratch. Seeing the world with new eyes. We'll see. 

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You are absolutely right about this ideal we have of the "American Dream." I often think that many of us are just trying to make it in a world that has lost sight of the things that truly bring us happiness. With society focused on obtaining material possessions, we have inadvertently become slaves to jobs that leave us feeling unfulfilled. There is always talk about work-life balance, but I haven't experienced a job like that. And I believe our souls need a break and we need to spend time in nature. We need to spend time doing things that bring happiness to our soul. And like you said I think for many of us, that would involve some sort of creativity.

In my opinion, people classified as ADD/ADHD are just different and have a hard time accepting the monotony of everyday life. I have had great success in the business world and you are right-it brought me the most unhappiness I have ever experienced. Mostly because I took a drug to enjoy being a robot, who produces more and more for a corporation who could care less if you "die trying." I had no time to do the things that I enjoy and bring me happiness. 

I also think many of us are "people-pleasers" by nature. And life is too short, to care about the material things and being perfect. Sometimes "good-enough" at work is okay if it allows you to live your life in a healthy way, with time to do things that bring you joy!

Thank you for your beautiful insights! It helps not feeling alone!

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