Brook

I am about a year and a half adderall free and I am way less than happy about the way things are going. To brief, I am 40 years old, female. Very healthy and take no medications...drink occasionally. I was about 31 or 32 when a doctor prescribed me adderall. I had never heard of it. I was instantly in love with it. I wasn't really overweight to begin with. 5'6" and maybe 140. How quickly I became about 123 lbs and not caring about food! I loved it! It's a wonderful drug for women because many of us like being thin. Not only was I thin but I could party! Single with no kids...I could drink anyone under the table and still walk and talk with no hiccups. I felt alive and untouchable! I looked good and felt great. I could stay up at all hours and get up and face the next day like a super trooper. This went on for several years. In this time I had two lengthy and turbulent relationships. Sex was astounding and I couldn't get enough. I felt like I was made of steel. Fast forward. At the age of 37 I decided to quit adderall. I felt it was no longer working and I was worried about my health after reading up on side effects and long term issues. It was at this time I met the love of my life. I am a woman in a same sex relationship and I met a wonderful woman with three girls. After a few months off adderall, I was gaining weight at Mach speed and having moody ups and downs. I tried going back on adderall so I could feel like myself and it was awful. I plunged in deep depression and would cry incessantly. I was so scared my partner would think me nuts and hit the door. Thankfully she didn't. I quit adderall for good and it's been touch and go ever since. I knew I would have withdrawals and depression but I didn't know it would be this long! Will it ever end? I went from the 120's (weight) to about 160 at my heaviest. Due to changes in eating habits and exercising I am slowly getting back into better shape....but I sometimes feel like I will never be the same again. I don't get excited about things anymore. I have no clarity. I have goals and dreams but have no motivation or direction. My sex drive was lost to past partners who didn't deserve all that I had to give. I am not even sad I'm just numb. I have a wonderful partner and three step daughters and most of the time I can't emotionally or intellectually engage because I just space out and want to be alone. Can anyone give me a shred of hope? A glimmer? I used to feel like I had a soul...a fire in me and many interests and couldn't wait for the next day to see what it brought. Now I have a hard time just getting up. I know that after living alone for many years and now living with a partner and three children, it's going to be overwhelming. All of that happened simultaneously with quitting adderall...so it's been a bit crazy. Can anyone offer words of hope? Thanks and I apologize for the long post.