listful

You know what? I needed to hear that. That's probably the source of my anger. Now I'm just like everyone else and things - challenges - before me that seemed fun to tackle now seem like "tasks" again, the way everyone else sees them. My kids are happier. More carefree, less guarded around me. They're so young but they can (could always?) sense it, I can tell. That, in itself, is motivation to push on...

I'm back again. It's been quite awhile. Guess you can read my history for my backstory. I've been on Adderall on and off (for the past 2 years, on) for the better part of 15 years?! Weird to add that up. I quit a bunch. Never identified this to anyone as a problem IRL, including dr. In a nutshell: Broke down. Told my mom. She came in town, stayed a few days. We ripped up my remaining script. I called the dr and cut off the source in front of her. Self-imposed, no going back. closing the door with no way to go back is scary. All the times I "quit" I never did that. And now I have. Not scary, that's not accurate. Mourning. I'm in mourning. It's like a death. It feels just like how you feel when someone dies. How weird is that. Going through the motions. The lethargy, the can't-peel=myself-off-the couch phase, which I know will pass, I've done all this before. The part I can't BEAR is the lack of pleasure in ANYTHING I found interesting. The extreme motivation. The lack of ALL motivation, which I know I will experience for months and months and months. Lots happened. If you read my history, you'll see this shit put me through some really bad stuff. Well. Doest hold a candle to what went down over the past 1.5 years after I went AWOL from this site. I'm not ready to get into all that right now. Right now I just feel super tired, listless, sad, and PISSED AS HELL. Everyone pisses me off. I also have kids, who I am NOT taking this out on. I am exercising extreme self restraint in that dept. I'm so angry. I didn't come back for lectures. I came back for support. It's over and I know it. And 'Im so mad and sad because I know in my heart of hearts it's gone.

I called my dr and made an appointment. Gonna explain I have a problem and get on antidepressants

What is there to say? Relapsed back in May. Sped through the summer and an out of state move. Saw the signs, cried, gnashed teeth.dark thoughts... Darkkkkk thoughts. Poured bleach on my brand new prescription refill. Here I am, day 2, eating, sleeping, cant stand being in my skin. My tounge hurts bc there's sores at the tip I'm only noticing now. Just kill me. Sorry I'm not more verbose at the moment. I need some support.

I went through that too, always awes, But it was actual wasps outside when I was building a garden a couple summers ago. There were only a couple but I was tweaked out so I kept running inside every five minutes thinking they were everywhere and after me. I'm glad our yard is fenced. I must've looked like an idiot. As for the dream, it's weird because I never had visual hallucinations (besides maybe one that I'm still unsure about) ... It was always auditory for me. But in the dream I FELT like how you feel at the end of a jag and addy was never in the dream but I somehow knew it was an adderall crash, if that makes sense. And you could like see through the spiders. Weird, also, lil tex, that you saw the spiders. Maybe there is an actual reason for that, something in the wiring of the brain or something subconscious... Just so strange. Lately, too, I've really been losing things in my mind, like having trouble with my short term memory on a noticeable level. It's starting to scare me, like maybe I did some real damage this last time since I'm not as young as I was before. I don't know.

So I stayed up too late last night, and right when I fell asleep, i had this dream that I was at the end of a three day jag. You know that feeling. And I saw this spider, this like transparent yellowish spider appear and crawl towards me, like as in psychosis. Over two years clean, wtf brain? Soooo weird.

I've been off for 2 years. I wrote an 80-page business plan in November.

Wow @Liltex41 that is insane and sounds so familiar. As far as the paranoia I mean... I can match that... I thought towards the end that the hackers were listening to every phone conversation. I started buying burner phones and then thought those were compromised... Ended up trying to call the police at a payphone because I thought it was the only way to talk on a non-compromised line... But even when I was doing that I thought they were listening. They? #badadderalltrip

No, we were out. Lol. But it was a pretty big fire.

Thanks forum people. After reading nonstop for two days around here I did something that is, to me, really huge. During my last stint with Adderall, got hacked, entered psychosis of epic proportions thinking my whole home network and every device in it was compromised. Luckily for me now, I guess I felt it necessary to document the whole thing in pictures. I'm talking several thousand on USB sticks, sd cards, hard drives I removed. Ever since the day I abruptly quit addys two years ago, I haven't been able to bring myself to look at any of it. I did tonight. Lord almighty picture after picture videos etc of different setting screens on touch devices, code from laptops, none of it organized. None makes sense. Like in the movie Pi. The most cringeworthy was some short video of me with the camera facing my kindle screen, trying to do... Something.... My hands were shaky and couldn't hit the buttons right so I would tap in the same place over and over. Hard to watch. Thinking of an office cleanse and bonfire in the pit outside. No joke.

My sister once said I seemed "predatory" ... Very sad to hear

I'm a stay at home mom of three kids 5 and under... One's a baby. And yes, it is a special kind of hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I quit before when I didn't have kids and it was nowhere NEAR as hard as it is now. Two years clean and I muddle through, but with so many things that need my attention RIGHT NOW and so many people depending on me, the desire to go back to the doctor is so overwhelming it feels like drowning. Truly. It's like this drug was tailor made for stay at home moms. Lord have mercy. And with the ridiculously unrealistic societal expectations of us (ie - keep everyone's lives running smoothly, keep a guest-ready home, and look HOT while you're doing it ... After all, you stay home all day, your life is so eassssyyyyy), it is so tempting to reach for pills to make it all happen. Special kind of hell, recovery.,,. Damn right. And the guilt, oh my god. That inner voice all the time, "are the kids bored? Will they resent me being lazy and unmotivated off of it? will they resent me being high strung on it? Am I fucking them up? Am I fucking them up? AM I FUCKING THEM UP??????????" Recovery with kids is a whole other ball game.

Hi all, I've been posting out of control around here the last couple of days. I'm just still dumbfounded there is a group for this specific issue. I've been so alone in my head for over a decade and finding a group that is thinking the exact things as me, going through the same mental and physical stuff is just... unreal. So please put up with me while this sinks in lol. I was planning to call my dr in a month but now I'm not. Rationalizing is over after finding this place. Thank y'all for existing.

Wow I'm chiming in late but I am simply blown away. I had every one of the symptoms too. I'll add this.. I bit off my thumbnail. The whole thing. It grew back after I quit but it came in crooked. My nails were ragged and brittle. Also I developed this throat tic that's hard to describe. Husband asked me why I did it a long time ago. Embarrassing. Like the sound you make when you're trying to suck back drainage then clearing your throat? Really sexy. I still do that when I'm alone but not every five seconds like I did on Adderall. Convinced I damaged the back of my mouth, or the flap in the esophagus somehow. I couldn't swallow food either and almost choked a couple of times, saw above that happened to someone else. I started drinking Ensure to maintain weight but couldn't stomach it. When it was really bad I'd crush the pills and parachute them to get them down my throat. Hallucinations, mainly auditory when I went on 3 day jags. Blotchy skin, thin skin, mystery bruises and cuts. Lots of cuts. Really cold all the time. Low, low weight at the end. Like scary low. Also pounded red bull when I was on it. Sure that didn't do me any favors.

I am dumbfounded by the weight thing in my situation. Had kids in between using episodes, so I really don't know what my true weight is/should be. I think I was around 110 in high school, I'm 5'3 though, pretty short. First pregnancy stopped adderall and weighed 114, shot up to 170 by term. Then after two kids, started using and dropped to 98. Stopped, had another kid, 11 months postpartum currently and 119. Who knows...