Im a mom and I’m finally realizing it’s time to quit

[TAylor]

 

This may be long but I’ve never put into words  what’s been going on the past 5-6 years. I’ve decided to quit Adderall. It started when I was 23 and bartending, a co worker gave me one to take before work because we partied the night before and woke up feeling terrible. It was my first time and I took a 20mg ir.. of course it was amazing and had me feeling like I could do anything. After that day I found myself asking her for more and she gave them to me whenever I asked. Well months go by and I started to seek it from people that had prescriptions. Working in the bar industry I never had a problem finding it. For the next 2 years I would buy Adderall from people and drink heavily, all while working 50 plus hours a week. I started to spend so much money on it and was up to over 60 mg a day. I found myself taking it on my days off and it slowly started to ruin my life. I lost so much weight, I was 100 pounds at my worst and I’m 5’8 so you can imagine how I looked. I would smoke a pack of cigarettes or more a day, and drink every night just to be able to sleep... a vicious cycle. I never had any issues getting it either, I was surrounded by people with prescriptions that sold them to me. 60 mg turned to 80 mg then up to 100mg some days. This went on for 4 years. I was still bartending and basically just working to buy more adderall and barely pay my bills. My boyfriend got addicted worse than me during all of this and he ended up in the er twice for heart problems. We were in a co dependent awful drug and alcohol fueled relationship. Eventually we broke up and he got sober with relapses here and there. I decided I had enough with the life I was living and packed up everything and moved to Florida, I made sure I lost contact with everyone who sold to me and quit the bartending industry. I was off of Adderall for about 3 months and started a new job, all was going better until I saw one of my co workers take an orange football shaped pill, I knew right away I was in trouble. I instantly started to complain to him about how tired I was to see if he would offer me one. Sure enough he did and the cycle started all over. I wouldn’t even pay for them he would just give me multiple pills every week. This time I didn’t know endless people that would sell to me so my usage never got as bad again. I ended up meeting my now boyfriend and the father of my daughter at that same job... got pregnant shortly after we met and we moved into together. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I stopped using, it was the thing that saved me and he doesn’t know that to this day. I had my daughter in July of 2020 and was 9 months clean off Adderall at this point. Life was amazing and I loved being a new mom, I finally felt like I had purpose and was healthy. Well when my daughter was 3 months old I was still struggling with post partum depression and saw a therapist. I never disclosed to her my past addiction and something in my brain clicked and I realized I could probably leave her office with my own prescription for Adderall. Sure enough she started me on 10 mg a day and told me to check back with her in a month. I had justified it in my head that I wouldn’t abuse it bc I had a family now. Well for the first month I didn’t. Then the next refill came and it was all gone in less than 2 weeks. I requested a dosage increase and to my surprise she did and gave me 15 mg two times a day. Those 30 mg a day slowly went to 50 and I found myself right back at it but this time I had a baby and was a stay at home mom. I was so disappointed in myself but still kept getting my refills and running out 2 weeks before I should. I started smoking cigarettes again and not eating. I lost all my baby weight bc of Adderall, but I was so malnourished I felt terrible daily. I stopped enjoying being home with my daughter and being a new mom. That brings me to the last month, we moved back to my hometown to be closer to family and once again found my old hookups to get pills from. I found a new doctor at the beginning of April and got a new prescription. I found this group a few nights ago and it made me want to quit for good this time. My daughter deserves a mom who is there for her more than I have been. She is almost 9 months now and I hate myself for going back to my old ways. I find myself just wanting her to nap so I can do pointless things around my house, chain smoke on my porch, or randomly clean things. It doesn’t even help me function anymore I feel stupid and my brain doesn’t feel like it’s working half of the time. I’ve been at around 40 mg everyday now and have about 20 pills left. My doctor called yesterday to schedule my next appointment for a refill and told me she was going to drug test me, well I’ve been smoking weed so I know I won’t pass it and I told her this. So after this month I won’t have another refill. It is finally time to stop for good. I can’t keep living like this, I have no personality anymore and don’t enjoy anything. I feel like my body and mind are finally telling me to stop. If you’ve gotten this far thanks for reading. I’ll take any advice/encouragement you all have.

[Brit]

You have the will and desire to quit, I know you can do this! In fact, you did do it not that long ago! Don’t forget how strong you are. 

 

Reading everyone’s stories is what really helped me get through the first few months, and giving myself grace. You already know stopping is going to be horrible. You might not feel like the best mom some days, but keep remembering that you are doing this so that you can be a healthier and happier you, and that’s all your daughter wants at the end of the day. 

[speedracer]

That was a great post Taylor - I am glad you found this site. It really helped me get past the toughest stages. telling your story on this forum is a great start on your road to recovery. We can all relate on different levels. The loss of personality, health, and ability to love in a healthy way is scary. The only thing I cant relate to is being a mom.I suggest you have an emergency plan for your baby when times get tough. Some sort of child care back up plan when or if you get hit with PAWS - It usually lasted 2 to 3 days for me - as long as I took action like hiking, nutrition, prayer, it passed. And hitting this site during those periods helped me understand it will pass and we are not alone. Hopefully you can get enough support from Dad, but if he has to work, maybe you can find someone else who can help. Build a support network. I did 12 step program for the first 18 months and it was super helpful. Doing the steps is a guarantee for a better life. Look forward to hearing about your success. 

[GeorgiaRigby]

Hi Taylor.  I am so here for you.  I don't have much energy today to say much other than that!!!.  I don't even know if I should be allowed to post as I just filled a month script this morning.  I am laying in bed sighing such deep breaths because I feel I'll be sick if I don't and somehow these weird breaths are going through me.  My heart is fluttering so oddly and I am so dizzy I can literally feel the toxicity in my blood from taking too much all the time.  Let's take it day by day!!!! Y

[TAylor]

2 hours ago, GeorgiaRigby said:

Hi Taylor.  I am so here for you.  I don't have much energy today to say much other than that!!!.  I don't even know if I should be allowed to post as I just filled a month script this morning.  I am laying in bed sighing such deep breaths because I feel I'll be sick if I don't and somehow these weird breaths are going through me.  My heart is fluttering so oddly and I am so dizzy I can literally feel the toxicity in my blood from taking too much all the time.  Let's take it day by day!!!! Y

Ah yes I know that feeling all too well. I am on day 4 of no adderall right now and I’ve been exhausted but it I finally doesn’t feel like I’m on the brink of death. Yes day by day sounds good to me. 

[mattyice522]

On 4/16/2021 at 0:16 PM, speedracer said:

That was a great post Taylor - I am glad you found this site. It really helped me get past the toughest stages. telling your story on this forum is a great start on your road to recovery. We can all relate on different levels. The loss of personality, health, and ability to love in a healthy way is scary. The only thing I cant relate to is being a mom.I suggest you have an emergency plan for your baby when times get tough. Some sort of child care back up plan when or if you get hit with PAWS - It usually lasted 2 to 3 days for me - as long as I took action like hiking, nutrition, prayer, it passed. And hitting this site during those periods helped me understand it will pass and we are not alone. Hopefully you can get enough support from Dad, but if he has to work, maybe you can find someone else who can help. Build a support network. I did 12 step program for the first 18 months and it was super helpful. Doing the steps is a guarantee for a better life. Look forward to hearing about your success. 

Hi sorry to hijack your post but i am new to the forums and can't figure out how to start a new thread. I am on day 3 of no Adderall (my first workday tho, still remote thank God) and could use some help. I know that adderall gives us anxiety... But i am feeling anxiety without it. I feel very irritable and every sound my neighbors make is getting under my skin. Thanks

 

[Sunshine2153]

Hi. Thank you, I'm so glad you posted your story because it is eerily similar to mine. Bartending, easily accessible adderall, quit while I was pregnant. I started back again when my son was 3 months old. What I related to most is randomly cleaning things and smoking cigarettes on my porch too. I unfortunately continued my addiction 2 years after starting back. My son is 2 and 1/2 and I just wasted those years feening for adderall and cleaning like a maniac. I finally quit cold turkey 2 months ago because I was just a miserable, joyless, strung out mess. It was incredibly hard the 1st week but worth every excruciating minute. My son can finally get to know the real me. He makes me laugh and feel real love again which I was incapable of doing on adderall. Instead of going through the motions as a mother I finally feel truly connected to him (even though the laundry isn't folded perfectly anymore).

[SleepyStupid]

On 6/23/2021 at 1:25 AM, Sunshine2153 said:

Instead of going through the motions as a mother I finally feel truly connected to him (even though the laundry isn't folded perfectly anymore).

this is so true!!!

also, it's so interesting how Adderall flips everything in your life on its head - most normal people would consider folding laundry as a "going through the motions" type of activity 

congratulations on 2 months! this is a huge milestone - welcome to the forums and hope you'll keep us updated on your progress (: