Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'Help'.

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


  • Quitting Adderall Forums
    • Announcements
    • Tell your story
    • General Discussion
    • Lounge (off-topic stuff)
    • Supplements, Energy Drinks, and Alternatives
    • Member locations (for meetups)


  • Community Calendar

Found 30 results

  1. Someone please help

    I can’t do this anymore. I relapsed and feel so disgusting, ashamed, awful, idk how to explain it. I can’t tell my boyfriend, he tells me I can tell him if I slip up but he always threatens to kick me and my daughter out. I am so sad, I am so alone and I can’t do it much longer. How am I supposed to do normal every day stuff? I feel like a freak. Normal people can do simple tasks without a pill but I can’t, and I’m trying so hard to be able to stay sober but I can’t. Fucking. Do it. I hate who I am on this drug. I love who I am sober, why can’t I just stay sober? I’ve been sober on and off for years but I always come back to it. I was doing so good last year. I just need a friend dude. I’m so tired of being strong for everyone around me, but none of them have any clue how hard it is for me to be strong enough to stay away from this shit. i know I’m rambling, it’s late and I’m emotional but I just thought writing my feelings would help. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to be the mom I know I am. Idk.. if you read all of this thank you. I know it sounds like a cry for attention but I’m just desperate for help.
  2. Hello, This is my first post. I gave up Adderall as my New Years resolution. Previously I was prescribed up to 90mg a day of Adderall (60mg XR, 30mg IR) and I felt that I was spinning out of control on it and also had a lot of questions about the health of long term use. I have to say I am generally okay now, 31 days out, the initial withdrawal was horrific (1-2 weeks). However in the last week I have been experiencing severe insomnia and anxiety, very similar to when I was on Adderall, however I am not taking it at all. The anxiety is so bad it wakes me up in the middle of the night, usually around 1am and I can't sleep at all after that, I have the worst case of crippling anxiety. I don't want to mention this to my doctor because I know she would try to put me on anxiety meds and I really want to be off of meds all together and not just take meds to mask symptoms. Has anyone had any issues with this? Most posts I have found have been people stating their anxiety goes away when they stop using Adderall. Should I be concerned? Has anyone else had these symptoms?
  3. Hello everyone, I came here for some desperately needed help and advice, I've hope my story gives you a little bit of context to what I'm going through. Here's a little about myself, I'm a 16 year old in the midst of a Sophomore year with an immensely rigorous course load, and I've relied heavily on Adderall, Focalin, and Vyvanse to get through it, I just found this website for the first time after getting busted by my parents for taking several Focalin pills from their lockbox, this is the third time I have been caught, and I think it will likely be my last. Here's my story: The Honeymoon Stage: My journey began in 8th grade, believe it or not. I took my sister's Focalin after hearing a brief conversation about ADHD drugs and their remarkable effects, I had no idea the addictive potential, nor anything else about the risk of these drugs. I felt unstoppable, I practically got two-weeks of work done, which was fairly insignificant when considering it was 8th grade, but I felt like I had found a miracle pill. Another side note, throughout my whole life I have been generally lazy and rarely self-motivated, I had a painstakingly hard time concentrating but I always scraped by in school, so this was a solution to my problems. I took a pill a few times a month, and I had great results, I thought if I could have access to my own prescription I could set myself up for major success throughout high school and beyond. I would continue to sparingly take the Focalin into my Freshman year as I slowly fell in love with the drug. The long process of getting a prescription culminated in June of Freshman year, by that time I had increased use to 2-3x per week, and I would not do work on days without the pills. It got me through midterms with fantastic results, and projects/papers were done with ease in a single night. I got a Vyvanse and Adderall prescription, and I have been a slave to the drugs ever since. I aced all of my finals, enjoying every moment of studying and every moment of taking them, I was clearly consumed by the euphoria. The Moderated Stage: Even though school was over I continued my use in the summer, where I used it to work tirelessly on my athletic career, where I also found success. I was taking one (20 mg Adderall), then one and a half, then sometimes two, but I thought I had things under control. This year school started, and I hit the ground running, I got perfect grades in the first two quarters, but I was consistently taking double my dose now. The side effects remained minimal, however, and I did not run into any issues. When Shit Hit The Fan: Basketball season marked the beginning of my spiral, I couldn't take the Adderall during practice, because my heart would nearly pop (my coach was a stern advocate for extensive conditioning) when I took it before, and if I waited until after I would be up until 3 am. At this point I was also extremely psychologically addicted, I had not done work without Adderall or Focalin since eighth grade, and whenever I tried, I would just give in to my urges to abandon my studies. So I tortured myself, taking it after basketball and getting barely if any sleep each night. I quickly had to make more and more, as sleep-deprivation greatly hindered its effectiveness. I would run out of my script, then take my sister's Focalin in much larger doses. At my peak, I would take 60-80 mg of Adderall, and the same dosage of Focalin when I would run out. I wasn't even getting shit done anymore, my grades dipped, and I was showing up to basketball games with 50 mg of Adderall in my system, unable to function. Busted: I was spared by my parents when they found my empty script bottles a week and a half after refill, I denied having an issue, but they took them away, "forcing" me to take Focalin instead. I took far too much Focalin, as my dopamine system was pretty messed up and I was still sleep-deprived. Again, they popped me after there was clearly a large portion of the pills missing. They hid the medication, and I panicked, I could hardly keep my eyes open, and I felt like I need the Adderall even to start my work. I felt like a complete addict, I spent hours searching every nook and cranny of my house, convinced that I must have misplaced a pill at some point. After this bust, they took me to my pediatrician and he gave me my prescription back except my parents were to store it in a lockbox. My tolerance for both medications are through the roof, and I need more than one pill. I am so desperate that I find a way to pick the lock with a paper clip, I take large doses on a few occasions, pretending to consume my single pill on days where I didn't have much work, putting it back so I can binge on multiple on occasions instead. When I stole too many Adderall pills, I stopped using them altogether to avoid the risk of getting caught. Instead, I would take the Vyvanse out of the capsules, mix it into water, then fill the capsules with salt and return them to the box. When I ran out of Vyvanse, I did the same for Focalin. Where I am Now: I am clearly an addict. I just don't feel like I am capable of doing work without it, I am falling in and out of sleep when I am off it. Today was my third confrontation with my parents. The only reason I got popped was that I held onto the empty capsules after taking them this afternoon, planning to fill them up later tonight but my mom checked the lockbox and noticed some were missing in the afternoon. The consequences are going to be dire, and I think I won't have a script, nor access to any medication. I don't know how I will be able to survive my lazy and unmotivated self in my several AP classes. I have relied on these drugs to do 5-6 hours of work outside of school every day, and now I can hardly concentrate for more than two minutes. I do feel that I genuinely have ADHD, I cannot stop myself from spacing out every minute or so in each of my classes. I cannot redo my high school years, and I am on pace to go to a fairly prestigious school, but I think things are going to crash without these drugs. I love my motivated, focused, and organized self when I am on the pills. I came to this website to look for help and advice, I am very tempted to purchase the pills just to maintain my grades. Thanks in advance for hearing me out.
  4. i don’t think anyone cares lmao I’m 16 years old and a sophomore in high school. Last year I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ADD, and ocd. Through out my whole life ive been day dreaming through it I didnt learn basic math or anything really because of ADD I’ve never been able to stick to anything or do good in school I always wondered why I was so stupid compared to everyone else. My life has been living hell dealing with Addiction and mental health. Last year the first time I ever took adderall I took at least 100mg and showed up to treatment the next day not able to breathe correctly and my heart pounding out of my chest. Later I learned I permanently damaged my heart. I bought it in the summer and felt the euphoria and interest and happiness in things I’ve never had before and just felt the best I’ve ever felt I could actually do stuff that other people can do . I got prescribed adderall in the beginning of this school year 30mg XR and started off with a normal dose. I could actually LEARN at school for the first time in my life. As the year kept going I started developing a tolerance. I always wanted more more more. I started stealing adderall from one of my best friends and I found out the password for the safe my parents locked everything up in. On a good day I take at least 100mg through out the day. I take them anytime of the day sometimes I take it at night so I can stay up and enjoy it and have peace and quiet for once. Like right now I’m off it. My best friend said that I’m a different person when I’m on adderall and I know I am but I didn’t think it was that noticeable. I keep going crazy on people and I’ve tried to fight my friends. I didn’t realize how much I was taking and how I was really acting. A few months ago I ran out and stopped cold turkey I went fucking crazy and ran away did whatever I wanted for 2 days then came back and crashed my parents were trying to wake me up but I wouldn’t and when I did I told them I was going to kill them and my dad has to hold me on the ground while I screamed on the top of my lungs til the police came and that’s how I ended up in the hospital for about a week withdrawling the whole time from adderall + the other stuff I was doing at the time. When I got out of the hospital I didn’t realize I was even addicted and didn’t stop to think wtf I was doing w my life. I’ve pretty much been on adderall this whole year I lost about 25 pounds or more Idek.I’m destroying myself with each pill I take I’m trapped and at rock bottom. I don’t think I’ll ever make it through a life with out adderall. I made it 3 days then took 80 mg today because I felt like I couldn’t function. I just feel so crazy and hopeless. My life is pretty much over with
  5. Hi everyone, My name is Melinda and I am writing an article about adderall and its users. If you fit this description, please keep reading: -heavy user/addict OR ex heavy user/addict -ages 16-25 OR used when ages 16-25 -grew up in suburbs I would like to share your story in an informative article that I am submitting to many mainstream magazines. It is about adderall as a trend, especially in many wealthy suburbs. I am exploring this phenomenon and your story would really help some people. You can remain anonymous if you like. If you are interested in participating and being interviewed via email, please emails . Let me know if you have any questions, and thank you for reading!
  6. I started using 5-10mg of friends addy a few times a week in undergrad. Once I began medical school I exaggerating symptoms to people, got a prescription, and now use 60-100mg/day almost every day of the week for a few months (used about 40mg for few months before that). I qualify for addiction and although there have been no major life problems causes by this; I'm hardly staying afloat and see this not going in a good direction. I cannot go to a treatment center or tell my doc or family about this and have had some success on my own by need a community and people to talk to stop relapsing. What has worked for everyone and what advice do you have for someone who has to do more studying than they've ever had to in their lives while trying to quit adderall?
  7. Hello everyone. I just wanted to post this article to tell you all about my story. I have been addicted to adderall for about 1 year now. The first time I tried it was in 2014 when I started my first year in university. I was 18 years old at the time, and didn't really care for trying it out. However, my friend offered me one of his prescribed adderall pills and I tried it. From that point on, I had only done it every so often. 2 years past, and I found myself in some trouble with the law. I was arrested for felony offences and thought my life was over. I had spent 6 months on bail conditions from May 2017 to October 2017, but thankfully my charges were dropped. However, I am mentioning this because this was the last straw in my downward spiral in life (during the time I started taking adderall I was still on bail conditions, thinking I was about to receive minimum 4 years in prison, thus my addiction had already started before I knew I was free). Also, what made me realize I was truly addicted was when I started taking doses as high as 60-70 mg (XR) daily, and started using it to get high, not even for days I had school work or needed to focus. Prior to this, I had always been a "polydrug" user as my councillor says, meaning I don't have one single addiction, but simply just an addiction to anything that would get me high. To summarize, I have dealt with many factors that have made me resort to adderall. As a child, I had grown up wealthy in a loving family for 8 years. At a certain point, everything went down hill when I was 9. My family lost everything, my parents divorced, my sister was raped, my house got raided, my family lost our house and several valuables. I was a child and stuck in the middle of it all, I felt worthless. Once I reached high school, I got into the wrong crowd and started doing several drugs and committing crimes. More issues occurred, as I had several relationship problems, continuous family issues, and arrests as a juvenile. Long story short, I became suicidal and felt even more worthless. After all of this, and some many other things I won't have time to mention (maybe save for another time), I resorted to adderall to deal with the stress I could manage (i.e. school and work) to compensate for everything I couldn't manage (i.e. family issues, legal issues etc.). Also, I take depression medication which hasn't helped and I have terrible anxiety but my doctor will not prescribe me any short term drug for it due to my past history with addictions (which is fair on her part). I started using hardcore for a full year from 2017 till now, and I recently overdosed. I had taken too much adderall and it accumulated all into this one dark day. I arrived home at around 5 am approximately a week ago and started convulsing. My fingers and toes curled, my body went numb, everything was going black, I heard ringing in my ears, I was drowning in sweat, and my heart beat was insanely fast (side note: I have a heart murmur as well, so I was very scared). I have overdosed in the past on other drugs once, but that was an intentional attempt to kill myself. This time, it wasn't which made me very surprised. For an hour I thought I was going to die, I felt my soul escaping my chest and all I could think was "this is it". I had texted my friend who dropped me off that I was sorry for not listening to him, and to call 911 if I don't answer you in the next hour. I was surprised I could even manage to text him, as for an hour prior to having a terrible vomiting episode I couldn't move (after puking I could move my arms, but nothing else and was still numb and sweating). Long story short, since that near death experience I have stopped taking adderall. Although it has only been about a week, I wanted to post this because I don't have many outlets to resort to since friends judge me and my family wouldn't be able to handle it (my sister is doing her own thing and must focus, while my mom has cancer and my dad has parkinsons/grave's diseases, among many other conditions). I have resorted to a drug councillor, which has helped a lot, but I have been having emotional breakdowns and several suicidal thoughts accompanied by floods of tears and agony. I do not want any sympathy, all I want is to hear from people who have had similar circumstances or from anyone who can help. I have read some of these articles, and they have helped, but I am positing this to share my story of addiction, and I would greatly appreciate feedback/responses to my story based on what I have said, as some specific responses in relation to my story would help even more. If anyone has been in a similar circumstance as me, or started using adderall for the same reasons, please reply to this and share your side. I hope to overcome my addiction, but since it's so early I am fearful that I may not be able to handle it and relapse, or possibly attempt to commit suicide again. Thank you all for taking the time to read this, and stay strong!
  8. So I'm on one month with no adderall. It's been a struggle. I am hungry all the time, have no motivation, and can see my muscles becoming flimsy. I've been taking L-Tyrosine as recommended as soon as I wake up on an empty stomach- it has been helping. I can see myself gaining weight as a opposed to when I was working out on adderall. It's such a bummer. Though there are some pros to quitting. Time doesn't feel like it's going by as fast. And my mouth isn't as cut up as it use to be. What are so practices that quitters on here have done to help them stay off adderall? To not help them eat all the time? Any book or podcast recommendations? Please help
  9. Tried Many Times to Quit

    Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums, but not new to trying to quit adderall. I'm 22 years old have have been on adderall for 5 years. I took it to help with ADD and initially I thought it really helped. I was actually able to focus on homework and my job and really feel confident in myself. Like all of you know it eventually becomes a curse. Any sort of job I have is traumatic without adderall and is the main reason I keep taking it. I've taken it long enough that the days I don't, I'm so depressed and low on energy to even shower and go anywhere. I can't seem to do anything without the medication and really want off of it. The longest I've ever been able to go without adderall is a week before I am too depressed and lifeless that I feel the need to relapse, usually because of work or piled up chores. I've tried to get by only using adderall situationally but as you all know this always leads to taking it regularly again. Recently I went 5 days without taking it (which is the longest I've gone in a LONG time) and it was more or less do'able until today when I had to work. About an hour and a half in I experienced extreme anxiety and incompetence and just couldn't bare it. Reluctantly I ended up taking the smallest dose I could to make it through the day. I was so sad and felt like this whole week suffering through withdrawals was for nothing. This cycle needs to end. For those of you who quit adderall successfully, what helped? I have a loving family but they don't understand this struggle I'm going through. Every attempt to quit is failed when I feel overwhelming hopelessness during withdrawal and feel like I have no choice but to take a small dose. I'm getting set up with a therapist that I want to see once a day until the most severe withdrawal effects are over. Other than that I have no clue how to go about this the right way... Please anyone, help me beat this. I can't afford to keep losing this battle.
  10. Addict or just a junkie?

    Adderall is the only drug that I find myself drawn to and ever since getting my scrip I've gradually increased the amount I am taking from 20mg IR a day to two years later clocking in 150mg or so every day. Now days I find myself binging over the course a week once I get my refill (this is the third day of my binge and already through 2/3 of my month's supply. Next three weeks I am sober and have good and bad days but over the last few months I've realized I don't even feel withdrawls other than hunger. I think this cycle of on and off usage for so long has made me numb to the shitiness of detoxing which i guess is kinda nice in a way but here's my question for y'all because idk if I am just overthinking my use and blowing things out of proprtion. Sometimes I just get too in my own head that i get psyched out. How can you know if you're an addict that needs professional help/therapy and not just a person that likes taking drugs? When I'm binging I feel like a full blown out of control addict but when I am taking the rest of the month off the pills I don't really feel the need to seek other drugs for the high. In fact I feel miserable right now and I am on a lot of addy as I write this as some might be able to tell by my rambling. Idk I think subconsciously I just want someone to tell me what my fucking problem is because I'm so different on these pills and I don't even like who I am when I am taking them but I still order that refill every month with another excuse like using it in moderation (LOL) to curb my appetaite or to get a lot of school work done. More often than not anymore I'm more distracted on addy than not, I rush through school work not really learning I don't think, and sorry if this is too crude but a lot of the times I just masturbate for hours on adderall for no reason at all. So it just seems like I am not gaining ANYTHING from this medicine. My reason for taking it this weekend was because I was kinda behind in school and I am caught up now, but at what cost? I've isolated myself from my family staying in my room all day long, I've skipped classes since getting my refill, flaked on friends, go to work tweaked out and just get so fucking sweaty at work it's so embarrassing. Okay sorry for the going off on tangents so thanks for reading if you made it this far through this shit. I'd just really appreciate another person's two cents on this situation. I don't have anyone that knows the extend to this problem nor do I have friends or family that I am all that close to. I just feel so alone right now. I can't decide if i'm just hopeless or not. Any advice or anything would make my day a lot better. Okay, later. PS If it means anything, I am a 21 years old guy.
  11. I started taking Adderall when I was 14 years old. My mom was a pediatrician and ever since I can remember, I was prescribed to some sort of ADD / ADHD medication. I remember having to go to the nurse every day during grade school but I am not sure what medication it was for. I have been prescribed to ritallin, concerta, straterra, and Adderall. My mom passed away when I was 14 years old and at that point in time I was taking 60 mg of Adderall on a daily basis. I have continued to take that amount, daily, to date. I am now 25 years old, about to turn 26. Adderall has become something that I am dependent on. I recently (last 3 years) have started abusing it, and I want off. The reason I joined this site is because I need someone to relate to… Recently I have been taking more than I am prescribed and I have developed a fear for the days (weekends – non work days) that I need to set aside in order to offset the days I have over used on. I have become terrified of these days that I will not be able to take my medication on. Last weekend, I went cold turkey. I need to do this for the next 3 weekends in order to have enough medication to get me through my work weeks until my next prescription can be filled. It was hard, but not quite as bad as I thought it would be. It is a terrifying thing to think about life without my medication. I was offered free NBA tickets by my work for next weekend, but I declined because I knew I would not be on my medication and likely not feel up to it. I go to a work out class most Saturdays with a friend of mine and as soon as I realized I was out, I came up with a bunch of excuses to get me out of the next couple classes… I don’t want to live this way. I made it through one weekend but I need support to continue this process. If anyone can relate, please comment…
  12. I started taking Adderall when I was 14 years old. My mom was a pediatrician and ever since I can remember, I was prescribed to some sort of ADD / ADHD medication. I remember having to go to the nurse every day during grade school but I am not sure what medication it was for. I have been prescribed to ritallin, concerta, straterra, and Adderall. My mom passed away when I was 14 years old and at that point in time I was taking 60 mg of Adderall on a daily basis. I have continued to take that amount, daily, to date. I am now 25 years old, about to turn 26. Adderall has become something that I am dependent on. I recently (last 3 years) have started abusing it, and I want off. The reason I joined this site is because I need someone to relate to… Recently I have been taking more than I am prescribed and I have developed a fear for the days (weekends – non work days) that I need to set aside in order to offset the days I have over used on. I have become terrified of these days that I will not be able to take my medication on. Last weekend, I went cold turkey. I need to do this for the next 3 weekends in order to have enough medication to get me through my work weeks until my next prescription can be filled. It was hard, but not quite as bad as I thought it would be. It is a terrifying thing to think about life without my medication. I was offered free NBA tickets by my work for next weekend, but I declined because I knew I would not be on my medication and likely not feel up to it. I go to a work out class most Saturdays with a friend of mine and as soon as I realized I was out, I came up with a bunch of excuses to get me out of the next couple classes… I don’t want to live this way. I made it through one weekend but I need support to continue this process. If anyone can relate, please comment…
  13. My community college offers personal counseling (including substance abuse counseling) and today I scheduled my first apointment for tomorrow morning. I have struggled with substance abuse for quite some time (I am turning 21 next month). I've never been to counseling (outside of seeing my psychiatrist for 5 minute meetings every 4-6 months) so I don't really know what to expect. Hoping to get some idea from people here who have done counseling before. I also have a couple questions about couseling. Basically any advice or tips at all is very appreciated. 1.) Can a counselor contact my psychiatrist and tell her that I abuse my medicine? 2.) How reserved or open should I be for my first session? Is it safe to just come clean about ALL drug misuse experiece? Even about other pill abuse? Or even illegal substances like cocaine which I did a bit too... Getting drug abuse couseling is obviously very new for me and I just want to kinda prepare myself as well as I can. I don't wanna say too much not knowing the next day my doc will stop my meds, put me in rehab, maybe even tell my parents since I am on their health insurace.. Thanks everyone
  14. First of all, thank you SOOOO much for this site. I have been trying to get off Adderall for a couple of years now and reading through this site tonight gave me the courage to flush my pills. Pointed question: My biggest problem is that my digestive system seems to be very dependent on Adderall and my body doesn't remember how to go to the bathroom/eliminate without it and this leads to a terrible pattern. Does anyone know how to deal with this aspect of getting off adderall or no of anything else that functions like adderall as a stimulant for the digestive system? I've taken Adderall for 5 years now, daily in the beginning. When I'm on Adderall I completely empty my bowels 2-3 times a day. When I stop taking Adderall I'll suddenly go 3-4 days without going to the bathroom at all, which is a huge difference and feels terrible. I start feeling very sick and start getting scared. My stomach completely bloats (and I look terrible/clothes don't fit) and I feel very uncomfortable physically. I've even experienced bleeding. After about the 3rd or 4th day I end up thinking, "I'll take just one to go to the bathroom," and after taking a pill, 30 minutes later I'm fine again. I take a couple of doses in a row to go back to an empty, flat stomach. Then I stop taking it, go through all the crash/withdrawal difficulties of the first 2-3 days (sleeping 12 hours a day/wanting to eat 5 pizzas/moodiness/irritability/inability to concentrate on anything at work and watching youtube videos instead) and once all that starts to get better on the 3rd day, by the 4th day I end up taking Adderall to go to the bathroom and have to start the crash/withdrawal cycle again. This cycle is taking a toll on me and I want to just get off it. I feel like I've tried just about everything and there's nothing that gets my digestive system function as perfectly as Adderall. I never had issues going to the bathroom before Adderall. When I got off it the first time (lasted 4 months) I saw my doctor about the digestive issue. He said it's a high stimulant and now my body was used to that stimulation to function and the only solution was give it time and he suggested Senna tea in the meantime which just made my stomach hurt. I ended up doing a juice cleanse which resulted in being able to go to the bathroom once a day, but my digestive system never fully went back to functioning properly. I even tried going vegan for awhile and that didn't get me back to normal either. I got a new tough job after 4 months of being clean and went back to the Adderall. This time around the digestive system issue seems to be even worse than the first time I tried to get off and I haven't been able to go more than 4 days without (though now I will have to since I flushed the pills). I get so hungry during the first few days off that doing a juice cleanse feels like more than I can take on. Thank you so much for any help and suggestions for this. Again, this site is amazing and I'm so glad I found it.
  15. Terrified

    Hi, I'm a single mom. I have a great career and, on the outside, look like I have it all together. But, I'm addicted to something new and nobody knows. I've struggled with Percocet addiction for three years. I've been on suboxone three times, this time for 4 months. Never went to rehab or joined any support groups. I did go to a 3 day detox 1.5 yrs ago when I wanted off and didn't know I could get suboxone from a Dr. Those 3 days were hell. My family and best friend knew about that and they all think I've been sober since. But I had fallen off twice and been off and on subs. They have no idea I'm on subs right now. My life is falling apart financially. I make good money. My job performance is struggling and I'm very talented at what I do. Two days ago I was placed on a warning. If I don't improve then I'm fired. I have a company car too so I won't have a vehicle. I was actually doing very well on the suboxone and things had improved for me. Then, 2 months ago I decided to ask my psychiatrist about treating my ADD. She knows I'm on suboxone. But, she prescribed me vyvance. The first couple of day I hated the way I felt. Nervous, pain in my feet, terrible. So, she switched me to adderall. I immediately fell in love. But, after 3 days, I had to take 2 pills to get the same effect. So, my psychiatrist saw me at the 2 week mark and increased my adderall. Same thing for the next 2 weeks and next two weeks. I was ripping through my 30 day scripts in 2 weeks, then getting a new, higher dose filled and the pharmacy had to because it was a different script. Now, I'm at a 30mg xr and one 30mg ir. But, I take double. Some days I even take up to 210 mg. My body just gets used to it so quickly and I can't feel the effects. Well, 3 weeks ago my psychiatrist said okay no more adjusting every 2 weeks, see you in a month. I ran out a week ago. My appt with her is in 5 more days. My sister takes one 20mg xr a day and has for years. Well, she's been on a vacation and I have her keys. She left a bottle of the 20mg capsules in her cabinet. When I first ran out last week I took Bronkaid (contains ephedrine) and caffeine pills for 3 days to stave off full blow withdrawal. Then I realized my sister had those adderall and I could sneak some. At first, I took one. I thought, just one to make me feel better. Bronkaid and caffeine work but it's fucking aweful, jittery, shaking, not pleasant. Well here I am now. Took all of her pills this week, 3-4 a day to function. I saved the capsules and filled them with vitamin c beads. I am a terrible person. I was sobbing last night as I filled up those capsules. I put them back in her cabinet. My sister is my best friend and trusts me. And I'm a monster. She gets back Sunday. My plan is to go back into her house wed after I get my script, while she's at work, and dump the vitamin c, then fill them with the beads of my adderall. I took the last ones this morning knowing my kid is at her dad's this weekend so I can sleep for 2 days. And I'll take Bronkaid/caffeine to get me through work until my Wed appt. I'm about to take a 2 week vacation to back to the Midwest with my daughter. Staying with my grandma so would be perfect time to quit but I'm terrified. I'm so fucking scared. But I hate who I am on the adderall. On one hand I love how much energy it gives me but I have a very short temper. I find myself yelling at my daughter and she doesn't know how to even react because I've never yelled at her. I see her happiness fade from her precious, innocent face when I yell and I then I hate myself. My parents always yelled at me and I promised I wouldn't do that. My daughter doesn't deserve that. She's the most innocent, beautiful, perfect little creation of God and I strive to be the best mommy in the world for her. I want to tell my sister what I did and that I have another addiction and cry in her arms and have her help me find outpatient rehab. I can't do in-patient for a month or I'd lose my job. I am so pissed at myself for thinking I could take another mind altering pill and not get hooked. I barely drink alcohol. Prescription pills are my devil.
  16. So it all started a month ago, where I was so stressed out on handling school after five years of being out, living on my own, and holding a full time job. Where, I absent minded finding the girl who's known for her addy use, to buy some. I don't know what came over me, messaging her...meeting her, and getting some from her for the first time..but it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.. Now before I continue my current situation i'll give you some background info...I guess in total I dabbled in all sorts of drugs for about seven years? I'm 22 so that should tell you that I was living like I was 21 when I was 16. Amps were always my favorite though, I was addicted to meth for about two years, and my boyfriend actually dove in with me, to get me out..didn't end well..but we're both clean from that. In fact, up until a month ago all I was doing was smoking weed, and I hardly did that just because it gets in the way of school and makes me to anxious. Now I did addy before when I was slowly getting into meth. But not how i'm abusing it now. I dont won't do it at work, because as many of you know once you do something on this drug, its never as fun as sober. I really wish I didnt go to school on it. So just on my days 2 days out of the week for the last month. I lost count on how many mgs ive done. To get to my title topic, my boyfriend is strictly straight edge now... except for the occasional drink,which i'm very proud of him, even stopped smoking weed for his job. I feel loads of guilt eating up in me...i've been keeping my use a secret even from my friends. No one knows but that girl. I love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes he's really controlling, and me keeping this from him makes me feel a little dangerous if that makes sense? It's something he can't control...But if he ever found out...I don't want to think about what would happen... Sorry i'm rambling... I finished off the last of my stash (40 mgs)... the reason i'm posting is I think I need to quit before this gets out of hand? But I don't know how... I don't know when... I love railing them...just the motion, and prepping. I know its really bad for you, and its a waste but I just can't seem to stop. I've developed a habit, when its my weekend and my boyfriend leaves for work at 5 am, I get up..turn on full house ( ) and start cutting up my pill...I love how I can get the house clean, study and even getting ready, even the process of doing my make-up is great. Long story short, I just cant get over it... but I need to, I hate how i'm doing this to the guy I love, and probably marry. I'm starting to get huge headaches, i'm smoking more weed then I want to, just to handle the comedown... Any tips? Advice? * sorry this is my first post, and I just skimmed the I don't know if I was suppose to talk about triggering details...
  17. I am ready to quit. I am excited to quit. I am scared to quit. I feel very alone in this process. I have been prescribed Adderall for two years but have been taking it regularly for almost four. I have been a "functioning" and at times a "non-functioning" drug addict since I was a teenager and I am now 30. The drug has changed but the addiction remains. Looking back, my drug of choice was seemingly dependent on what was socially acceptable at the time. It seems as though each addiction was slowly replaced with another. Perhaps, this way I could convince myself I had been successful. I have slowly recognized and accepted that this has been my reality and I'm sick of it. I have been going to the doctor for well over a year for a myriad of mystery symptoms. Deep down inside I thought it was the Adderall but the addict in me was searching for ANY other reason. ANY other answer than to quit. That is, until the cardiologist asked me to stop taking Adderall. I figured that's what he'd say, most of me even hoped that's what he'd say. After several tests, he told me my heart looked amazingly healthy but it's working overtime (tachycardia) and we would eventually see damage from that. He asked me to call my prescribing doctor and begin to taper off the medication. I felt relieved. I felt terrified. I wanted to smile. I wanted to cry. I thought about the weight that will finally be lifted. I thought about how hard this is going to be. I made an appointment with my prescribing doctor and anxiously waited for 5 days to get this quitting process started. ---- I am studying abroad for 2 weeks in January where I will be required to be very active daily. I considered canceling the trip. I considered quitting after the trip. Ultimately I decided that I do not want this amazing experience to be a part of my 4 year Adderall fog. ---- So, I planned to tell this doctor that I wanted to be off completely in one month at the most. I have three weeks left in my current semester so I kind of have to taper. I understand that 2 weeks off of Adderall -even after a quick taper- that I will still feel like shit but I'd rather be sober. Well... that's how I was feeling before my appointment today. Somehow, I left the doctor's office with a list of other "non-stimulant" drugs I could try, a prescription for way more than I need/want, and an appointment in early January to determine what dosage I will take with me on my trip. And then I start to convince myself that if I'm only taking a little bit while I'm there - it won't be so bad. NO!!! How did this happen?! I was counting on this doctor's appointment to help make me accountable and it's as if the opposite happened! I have been looking around this website since last April and today is the day I finally seek your help. Because if I do not ask for your help today - I am afraid I will fall back into this cycle where I am the only one holding myself accountable. I am too weak. I am an addict. I need help.
  18. So I have been seeming to give myself more and more excuses regarding this AMAZING yet horrible amphetamine. Brief Background, was arrested frosh year in HS for distributing Ecstasy and got help and will always be grateful for the support I got from my family/friends at the time. By the second semester of that same year, I was allowed in HS, not using drugs/alcohol and was seeing a psychiatrist. First semester, I really complained about ADHD because I needed to catch up on grades due to the arrest/suspension. My psychiatrist tried to suggest non-stimulant medications at first which was good on her part. I tried welbutron and stratera, neither seemed to work AT ALL. I had a close friend who was prescribed Vyvanse and really recommended it to me saying it worked wonders. The first day I take it I was IN THE ZONE. A friend came up and actually asked "Hey why are you all focused instead of being disruptful and funny like usual?" Thats when I knew it wasn't only me who was noticing the affects. I ended up being a "miracle" to my friends, family, and all my teachers (recieved straight A's second semester after being prescribed vyvanse). What they or I didn't know or think about was that it WAS just the amphetamines making me this "miracle child" by senior year in HS I was up to 50 mg vyvanse/day, marching band president, popular among multiple groups and Had been accepted to a 4-year for Music Education. I love music with a passion, I can't describe how much I love it with words. Now, I'm a sophomore year in college, I was recieving vyvanse from my out of state Dr. and parents would mail it to my dorm for me. It got to the point where I decided to stay living at my college town not returning home for the summer and my regular Dr. who was out of state did not want to prescribe me anymore since it had been 6 months of not seeing each other in person. After recieving that news, that's when the addiction started to take off. I was worried HORRIBLY that I wasn't going to be able to get my regular fix of amphetamines. I went to a psychiatrist on campus and like every college Pro Drug health services, I was easily able to get generic Adderall IR 15mg twice a day. The problem started a few months ago when I was still on Vyvanse, I wasn't feeling the affects anymore after 2 hrs of taking it so I would empty the powder out of another into a glass of water not knowing how much of a dose I would end up taking by the end of the day ( I was on 60mg vyvanse taking probably an equivalent amt by emptying the powder multiple times and tbh i likely have taken 120mg vyvanse a day multiple times without knowing it). When I was prescribed the adderall, like every amphetamine felt like I was a god when I first tried instant-release feeling all of it hitting me at once. However, due to my high amphetamine tolerance as it is after a day I would need 3 15 mg IR tablets to get through my day. Now it's 5+ per day, nearly pulling all-nighters (have pulled about 6 all-nighters in the last two months) and when I don't have a full all-nighter I still stay up until sunrise and wake up around 2pm. Sure I've talked to friends here about this but being a college town, college students typically don't have much to say to help and wont take it seriously. I wonder if I were more honest with HOW much ive been taking maybe people would take me more seriously. The real issue is i don't want to stop taking it. I feel and notice a change in me and it's not a change I like HOWEVER it's also something I don't feel like I can stop. I came to the conclusion months before the abuse and only taking it as prescribed that I would remain on the drug my whole life. I have this feeling where I know I should stop taking it all together and also have this feeling where I simply can't see myself not on adderall. It's almost 5am now and I already have likely taken 100 MG of this drug. My question is, how do I go about doing this. I know if I continue at this rate I'll be in danger by the end of summer. Theres a large history of addiction in my family including my parents so I know there is ALWAYS someone I can go to for help, but don't feel necessarily ready to do so. I've been reading a ton of things on this website and finally felt the need to vent and let the world of addicts know they are not alone. I can relate to nearly ALL of these stories in one way or another. If I DO try to stop using this, is it even worth trying to be able to JUST take it as prescribed? Like weening myself down to the ACTUAL dosage I was given? Or weening down all-together? I am still in college, and feel that my passion for music and band in general has been greatly influenced by amphetamines. I feel if I were to not take them anymore, I would have to give up pursuing my dream music career. Please people, I need answers, help, and someone to care and I didn't know where else to go. I'd really appreciate some feedback. BTW, if it matters I'm a 20 y/o male.
  19. Hey guys 👋🼠So here's the sitch I'm in and could use some help with. I have just significantly change my environment and moved to a different city I know that I've been making progress in my reduction and reducing my impulses when I have triggers but this new environment I've moved into is overwhelming me with how much I have to adjust to. I am from a smaller town with very little activity and I developed ways of coping without utilizing the medicine in my old environment now that I've moved I fear that I'm not sure how to develop new coping mechanisms that are not substance based. I've read all the posts on the difference between quitting cold turkey and weaning yourself off and from everything I've read and my own usage I know that it's best to wean i've read all the posts on the difference between quitting cold turkey and weaning yourself off and from everything I've read and my own usage I know that it's best to wean myself off. I've been studying my habits tracking my impulses setting timers making sure that I am accountable with a person in my life that is capable of doing that for me which I'm grateful for and I've held myself to those goals when I was living at home now I've thrown myself into a situation where my environment is completely different I am in a At home now I've thrown myself into a situation where my environment is completely different I am in a place that's much more active than what I've been used to. I'm posting this wondering if there's any members that have had experience with what I'm doing having the goal of weaning off knowing their intake is very high and having to develop new coping mechanisms in a place where they don't have anyone to support them.
  20. please help me so sad

    hi there, i stumbled upon this website out of desperation. i recently found a bottle of prescription adderall in my husbands car and i am completely devastated. it all makes sense now. we have 3 small children and this has become such a challenge. he is up for weeks at a time until 3:30 ish and then has a beer falls asleep and then begins his day. then after a couple of weeks he crashes for about 5 days. he wont stop sleeping, is super grumpy, he can have 6 cups of coffee and still sleep sleep sleep. he had this when i had our last baby. this is not him. this is not the person i met. he has been doing this since i can remember but i thought he had a different way of living. i am seriously so heart broken and feel so deceived. we have a family, we have children that look up to him. i cannot live with this behavior for ever. please anyone going though this addiction, help me to understand. how do i help him? how to i approach this conversation that must happen? how will he accept this? i promise you this is not a person who would be on this. i thought he was as clean as can be. i am no pure one, i did quite a bit of drugs and partying in my 20's so its not like i am naive. i am just surprised. please help me figure this out and figure out how to approach this? i just cant believe everything i am reading. it is all so him! he is so high and happy for weeks at a time, and then one friday after work he comes home and then he just sleeps and sleeps and nothing can wake him. i know he is suffering, because he is such a good man and dad. he tries to stay awake and be present with our little ones but he just can't. it breaks me heart. please help me help him. i would do anything to be here for him and help him through it.even if it takes a long time. help me figure this out please
  21. I've been medicated since I was 12 years old. Antidepressants of all classes (SSRI's, SNRI's, etc.) have never worked for me. I'm 21 now--hooked on 60 milligrams of adderall IR, 2mg of clonazepam, and 10mg of Ambien. I've been taking the clonazepam for drug-induced anxiety for two years now. I felt a little slow from it, and talked with my doctor. Vyvance was his recommendation; first 30mg, then 40mg, then my doctor said it's worth a shot to try adderall--starting me on 50 milligrams. Yes, 50, and I'm sure most are aware that vyvance is nowhere equivalent to adderall's potency. Clearly my doctor got his PhD out of a crackerjack box, but since I'm an addict, I was fine with it--excited actually. I'm starting to ramble and will get to the point. It's been one year now, and my life isn't what it used to be. Eventually I was boosted to 60mg, but that wasn't enough; I was running out of energy, wouldn't leave the house, etc. Don't ask how, but now I take 90-120mg to leave my room. I simply can't without it. I save the clonazepam for the crash, and take it all at the same time. Ambien is another friend that joined the group a couple months ago, which I must take for sleep or I'll be up until 5 a.m. (Like I am now). Adderall helped with my schoolwork, but I feel that I was taking so much that it turned into an OCPD sort of thing. The only fun I have now is if I'm alone; all I do is draw and write. I pretty much block everyone out of my life. My family, friends, and even my girlfriend don't know why I'm so antisocial. The thing is, I can't imagine my life without adderall. Like I read when I first checked out this site, I wonder who I would be right now if I wouldn't have taken that first pill. With my other two addictions (not including an immense amount of caffeine and nicotine) I know I need to quit adderall first (I can probably handle the ambien, but clonazepam withdrawal is hell). When I think about it, I imagine dropping out of school, losing my job, and permanently turning into a zombie. I've probably spent 45 minutes on this post. So my only question is: Can anyone help me, or can anyone relate to this amphetamine/benzo/z-drug addiction I'm dealing with? I'll respond in the late-afternoon.. Thanks.
  22. Spitting Venom

    Hey there, long time adderall user here. I'm 22 and i've been on it since i was 10 roughly. I'de like to share some things. And let it all drop...(current tunes)>>> So nobody can save me, but myself. I must REMEMBER what my soul said off meds... and is ultimately saying to me now..(if you don't sleep you can feel again) (it's a small window of freedom in this addy-prison) freaking quit that stuff right? Yeah preaching to the choir here....i mean if anyones reading this...i just hope this gets through to someone. so i've been on 30mg IR's, twice a day, for about 4 years now? and yeah it's starting to take it's toll on my memory, appetite, and sleep schedule ten fold now. I have tried so many times to quit and been through this SO MANY TIMES that talking to anyone about it is fruitless... i'm sure a couple of you are the same a family member or two on them as well eh? end of the day depression crash? THE PERPLEXING SYMBOLISM WHEN YOUR HAND IS SOOOO MUCH COLDER THAN YOUR PARTNERS WHEN YOU HOLD EACHOTHERS EH?? HAHA? why i think i see a pattern. that being said...I'm not special at all. nope. ...but that can be changed YOU can change. Not even by that much either. a couple chuckles and some fresh air find something worth dying for ...i know it's EXTREMLEY GRUELING to face things..... you love?! when you've been watching them through the floorboards softly whispering "i love you" YOU KNOW WHAT GO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM RIGHT FLIPPING NOW AND COME BACK AND FINISH THIS...maybe you won't need to.............................they gone? Okay, I have tried canceling my script Tried flushed them Buried them (try it) weening cold turkey vivancse... So i know how all of you feel!! Shit lately i've been taking 80+ a day!!! Where do i go from here? Quite the slippery slope!! I always let it kinda get to me, but latley it's noticably been the bane of my mother-fucking existance....sorry if i come off as cold or blunt, for i've been through this far, far too many times it's stupid. im stupid sometimes. but that should be okay right? yes it should. IM STUPID. derp. TODAY MY FELLOW FIENDS... ( i know i make it sound dramatic and rediculous but this kind of jargon appeals to all audiences apparently...) betchu can't remember the last time you said 10 statements in a row on adderall. "sorry...what?" exactly. ugh i hate that sheez. that's why im quitting. you know? DONT UP DOSAGE DO DOWN UNO. for you my...friends. do it for this person writing right now. it's you. you remember you? the little kid with the baseball cap or disney princess dress (or both) running around the front yard being just okay with things nothing is half the deal it usually is on adderall you know?... it's kind of sad but not as sad as im making it hahahah...HAHAHAHA....sorry too much on the laughter anyway. HEAR ME. IM ANYTHING BUT YOUR ENEMY. IM YOUR INNER-SELF!!! -peace
  23. Okay, sorry if this is long. I'm so turned around and I just need to get it all out. I've been thinking about quitting lately. I've made a couple of attempts in the past but always end up back on the addies or some other stimulant. I know it's destructive but I think I just haven't found the internal motivation to follow through. I love being creative and productive and social all the time way too much to do the smart thing and worry about my undoubtedly increasingly unbalanced nuerochemistry... or my health... or the prospect of my life turning into 'Requiem for a Dream'. You know, typical addict stuff. But I met this really great guy and I REALLY like him. Like, oh man, we super click on a lot of levels. But I definitely don't want to put someone I really care about in the position of being an addict's partner, especially because he has dated a junky in the past and that sorta contributed to his life going off the rails. So, my options are now; 1) Keep seeing him and lie - Bleh, been there, done that. So much no. I want to be better than that. I HAVE to be better than that. 2) Tell him about my addiction and let him decide what he wants to do - I feel like this is the right, courageous, and most ethical thing to do but the mere thought of saying the words 'I am addicted to adderall' to this person makes me shakey. I am historically a relationship addict (not as much so now that I've replaced one addiction with another); and the prospect of facing dissaproval and abandonment from someone I'm romantically entangled with instills the fear of death itself in me. Or that's what it feels like anyway. I feel like I can't do it, like, physically, if that makes sense. I feel like my throat will close up or I'll throw from nerves or have a panic attack or something if I even try to have that conversation. 3) Same as above (tell him) but also explain that this means I can't be involved with anyone right now. I think there might be some virtue in completing my adderall saga, whenever and wherever it may end, alone. I don't want to do damage to anyone but me. 4) Make some excuse to stop hanging out or dissapear mysteriously and hope it doesn't bum him out too much - I would be epically sad, but this would be the easiest thing to do. It's also the most cowardly. If I could be brave enough to tell him what's going on in my life, and he still wants to hang out with my crazy ass for some reason, that would probably be on the condition that I start working on quitting now, which I'd be willing to try again, but I feel like I'd fail because I wouldn't be 100% certain if it was for me, or if it was just for him. I don't know if I'm ready to quit. I'm so pathetic... I'm co-dependant to the point that I don't even care enough about myself to stop using tweak, I need 'love' or whatever the fuck you call what co-dependants feel to motivate me to save my own goddamn life. And even if I didn't have those issues, I'm pathetic because I'm choosing drugs over spending more time with someone who I think is totally awesome and I can't even work up the guts to tell them. Can anyone relate? Thoughts? Advice? Man... I feel like the worst person... =(
  24. There is just no one to talk to about this I've always been a hair puller, but as the Adderall addiction gets worse, so does my trich.. I was used to coping with it somewhat and hiding it almost completely, but it has become so severe that I consider my body destroyed. My eyebrows are lopsided, my hair that has finally growing in from constant pulling in highschool is disappearing once again, and I ended an amazing relationship because I ran out of excuses as to why I refused to be even remotely intimate. If he saw under my clothes and make-up any longer, we wouldn't have been together much longer anyway. The worst part is that if it came down to quitting adderall as the only way to control the urges, I know I would choose the drug. I hate myself without adderall and it seems like the rest of the world does too. I guess there will be suffering either way. If there is anyone out there who can relate even to the slightest..... It would add some brightness to my life just to know that i'm not alone, and maybe even that suffering isn't inevitable. ~Thank you all dearly~
  25. Okay, Hi. Before I start this topic I know you guys have experience on this as you all have probably had some form if contact with the drug Adderall. I have barely any experience and i've only been researching for about a day. So in no way am I saying that I know more than you all. Because I don't. I also want to tell you guys about myself before I explain my issue. I'm a freshman in high school with a pretty good bit of knowledge on philosophy. Specifically epistemology if that helps any. I'm normally an A to B student, not a straight A, but my grades have been slowly decreasing ever since two years ago. I've moved around this earth as I grew up a military child and that's subject to change in less than 5 months. I've dealt with people that took a variety if drugs and drugs in general aren't very new to me. I'm very sure I have some form of depression. Likely chronic, not major, as i've felt like this for a long time. It's just been progressively getting worse. Enough of myself. I made this topic to ask you guys if taking a low-dose (10mg) of Adderall a day is something I should do. I was introduced to Adderall from a fellow classmate and she gave me three 10mg immediate release pills. I've heard about Adderall a good number of times in my life and I knew it wasn't a drug that was as dangerous as some other more well-known drugs. I took all three pills (12:00pm), which I do admit was very ignorant for a first-time dose. I didn't feel much until towards my second-to-last period (2:30pm), that's when it kicked in. I was failing that subject at the time and with the Adderal I got a 30 up to a 70 in a mere 45 minutes. I completed more than 5 assignments and finished up sone work from other classes. The feeling you get from that drug is so great. It had to be the best i've felt in a few years. It lifted me up from my stress and sadness and gave me a new perspective of life. It is 2:27am right now and I can't sleep because, of course, insomnia. I was curious to see if Adderall was a drug used to treat depression. It is. I've thought about talking to my therapist and doctor about getting it prescribed to me, because I think it would be more effective than just an antidepressant alone. I just want to know if you guys think it would actually be beneficial to take a low-dose of Adderall daily. So that's why i'm here. Also, if you think that I wouldn't be responsible with the drugs, I don't think you're right. I know myself to be very responsible about things like this. Then again i'm not saying there isn't a chance where I could abuse the drug. There could come a time where I would, but I only plan to take it in 10mg for a single day. And when I notice that the drug isn't lifting me up as much as it would when i'd first start, i'll slowly come off of it and them start back up again a few weeks later. (That is only a mere plan, it can easily be changed if I find it not logical). So guys sorry if I made errors in that, it's really late and my phone is dying so I didn't bother to revise. And i'd greatly appreciate if you guys could leave your opinions. Thanks.