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Found 39 results

  1. Legitimately stuck and overwhelmed

    I've been on adderall XR (20mg 2x daily) for close to 8 years now, save for the last year where I have had several unsuccessful attempts at breaking free of it. I have managed to lessen my dose to currently 15mg 1x daily, but it certainly feels like it's at the detriment of my job and career. I have frequently taken a week off here and there and experienced what I thought was the entire cycle of withdrawal. In a weird sort of way, I enjoyed those weeks because it didn't feel like "withdrawal", but just "different". I could relax more, food tasted great, I was more mindful of the present, etc. And so I was disillusioned into thinking that quitting was always just a simple choice and week of taking a bit of time off of work. Having never gone beyond that week, I never experienced what was beyond it. At the beginning of this year, I was furloughed for a few weeks, as is somewhat common with software developers that work as contractors. I thought this would be a good time to stop completely -- I had a 2nd child on the way, a backlog of video games I needed to catch up on, and lots of good food to consume to hopefully put on a few pounds. The first week was great -- no anxiety over the loss of focus because I didn't have to be "plugged in" to work, and I could just unwind and spend time with my family as we planned for our new arrival. It wasn't until probably the 3rd week that the changes started feeling troublesome and disturbing. I noticed that I was starting to become more "conversational" with people. My emails became less about strictly extracting or providing information, and I started taking a genuine interest in how other people were doing, which was weird for me, because I feel like Adderall killed that feeling for me. After a lot of thinking, I feel like this is the saddest and most difficult part of the journey -- coming into a life that your true self doesn't want at all. Adderall allowed me to focus on work 100%. I didn't need anybody in my social circle, I didn't need to pursue my more "artistic" hobbies for fulfillment, and I was perfectly content being a work-from-home consultant that never interacted with others on a face-to-face level. I didn't feel loneliness, and therefore, allowed all of my friendships to slip away one by one, all in pursuit of what feel like artificial goals. So, once I stopped taking my dose, it suddenly felt "good" to interact with others again, and I went through a bit of a social euphoria for a while...but I think that as I started to return to baseline, the shallowness of my social network began to really show. About a year and a half ago, I moved my family across the country for my job. This felt like a great idea at the time -- better pay, nicer house, and an opportunity to expand on my career by relocating to a tech-heavy area. In a way, Adderall hardened my heart and allowed the difficulties in leaving almost everyone I knew behind to be nothing but an afterthought. I suppose it wasn't until I started listening to some new music that started this cascading series of events that eventually lead to this crisis. I believe I was on one of my small "vacations" from Adderall and listening to music late at night, when a melody suddenly started resonating with me in a way I can't even describe. It pulled on my memories and took me back to a period years and years ago...maybe it was just nostalgia, but I hadn't truly enjoyed music that much for years. I felt emotions that I hadn't felt in so long...and with those emotions, I felt needs. I needed to talk to people, to make friends, to understand and be understood. I think it was at this point that I decided "Okay, well, this is great, right? Maybe it's time to back off of your normally career-obsessed persona and reinvent yourself". Just like you can't un-see something you saw, I can't un-feel what I felt. If my old life was there waiting for me, this wouldn't be so hard....but years have passed now, and I'm so far away from that point in my life. Friends have moved on, relationships have been dissolved, and I'm so alone right now. Now I know that the life I have is the only option I've got, for the time being anyway. So I can choose to either take my pills, fully knowing that I'm just pushing the dopamine button to code myself into artificial happiness, while my body slowly wastes away (5'11", 116 pounds)...or attempt to push through, probably ending my career as I know it, which isn't really an option at all, given the fact that I'm supporting a family. Maybe having a job with face-to-face interaction would help, but in the midst of a global pandemic, that option isn't realistic at the moment. It's time to face the fact that I'm not some super talented uber-nerd programmer and resign to the fact that I used drugs to turn myself into something useful rather than finishing my degree and doing things properly. After reading the "5 signs you know you're ready to quit", the item that resonated with me the most was the one that mentioned the memory of your former self. I used to be so much more legitimately passionate...not about programming, but about music. I used to love playing the piano. It meant so much to me....and I just....stopped. Music has a funny way of reminding you of things, and now nostalgia feels so painful because of how well it reminds me that I've been neglecting and missing out on so much, and it's doubled because there isn't much I can do about it right now. Somehow, music was able to remind me of who I used to be, and what makes me truly happy, but that feeling is quickly tainted by the fact that I can't return to that. At least not anytime soon. And so, I feel completely stuck. Everyone I know only knows the "me" that is taking Adderall...but that "me" isn't real, or healthy, or sustainable. I feel like I'm dying, like I'm not the parent or person that I know I am and *should* be, and that my time to turn this around is running out. I am just so scared that this is going to kill me, and that I'm going to leave my family with the memory of me being nothing but a neurotic workaholic who never had time for them, all the while a very real and passionate person was screaming on the inside, just trying to let them know how much I love them. But one of the things that makes this so difficult -- it's the stability of my thoughts and feelings. I don't know who I am without Adderall. Are all of these feelings just a product of the drug? Will I still want what I want once I have it, or will I be left in the same situation that lead me to take it in the first place? Will my wife, who has never known the "me" that isn't on Adderall, even like the person I am without it?
  2. It all began the first semester of junior year. I was diagnosed for ADD when I was a child, though I never got any medications. But my friend told me about this wonder drug (l didn't know it was garbage at the time) called adderall and how he was achieving new academic heights because of it. His story inspired me to go to my doctor and get adderall prescribed to me. It worked, I got a prescription to adderall and life was looking pretty good at the time. Fast forward six months. My normal dosage was 30mg/day but I kept working myself higher and higher in terms of the dosages. Today was the last day before spring break and I apparently had three tests to take. Keep in mind I have been a daily prescribed user of adderall for a year now so my reaction was something along the lines of this: Oh no! I'm going to have to take a lot of adderall today because if I don't then bad things will happen to my grades oh no! Sure enough, I took four tablets of adderall, that's right, 120mg. The realization came to me when I came home. I realized the sham this pill truly is. It tries to deceive you into thinking that with its help, it will chemically pole vault you to whatever you want to do. Sadly, this couldn't be further from the truth. I used to be a down to earth person, a great friend. One of my buds even went so far as to describe me as "the only genuine person in this place full of charlatans and pretentious phonies". But this personality I used to have got replaced by the deceitful poison that goes by the name of Adderall. It turned me into the opposite of my personality and I hated it. But I lied to myself and tolerated it because according to me I got A's. To tell you the truth, I would give all the A's I have ever earned in my life for that one year of my life back. If I could have it back I would develop my personality and establish new heights. But alas, I wasted a year of my life, a year of my youth. Then I realized I had to quit this junk and I had to quit it NOW. This isn't the first time I've faced a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. In sophomore year I looked in the mirror and I didn't like that I was overweight. In six months, I had lost 50 lbs. Now, today, I look in the mirror and I see a pale and sickly version of myself. But I see a ray of hope. It sounds odd, but I feel like my personality is beneath this chemical addiction. I know if I beat the addiction I will get my personality back. With new-found confidence, I threw the contents of the pill bottle down my toilet and made a declaration to myself. Now it is about 3am and I can't sleep. I'm writing this write now and I am shaking, shivering, and pale. I think I am going through a crash from the extremely large dose I took earlier today. However, crashes are only temporary and my willpower is still very much strong. I will keep you all updated on my self-journey, but for now I must depart. Thank you, yes you out there who took the time to read my story and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And if you are thinking of taking this crap, I hope you heeded my story and are aware of the lows that come with this drug.
  3. Quarantine qualms

    29f Philadelphia, using for 9 yrs, prescribed for 7 and abusing for at least 3. Quit alcohol 9 mos ago (yay) and it was easy bc it was destroying my life. I'll never drink again. The same voice that told me I had a drinking problem has resurfaced with a new message and it's that I have to stop this. I don't want to. I used Adderall to get in shape and because of tolerance I am not only not In shape but I'm already the heaviest I've been ever so f* me for my lack of discipline. I know my metabolism is destroyed. Even when I take Adderall as prescribed, I manage to be lethargic and lay around so basically increasing dose and tolerance for nothing. I'm prescribed 25xr per day and recently my doctor added 10mg ir for late afternoon. I'm shocked at how willimg she was to increase. I'm working from home, living in my dad's basement and work is slow, so if I needed to sleep all day I could definitely do that. I don't want to gain weight. I'm scared if I quit I will gain weight and then relapse and continue gaining. When I quit alc I gained 10lbs and relapsed, and when I quit again I gained more. I don't feel confident in my will to stop. I will almost certainly quit and convince myself to start again when I feel like my tolerance has lowered. I just took an XR, I have half a script left. But I know the direction my neglected internal compass is leading me. The seed of knowing what I have to do has been planted, I hope it will continue to grow and give me strength to do this.
  4. So I was trying to quit last year, around this same time, and was active on this forums. But because of a lot of life shit, I slipped deeper into addiction. Brief updates: best friend of eleven years and I fell madly in love, but he basically decided: "yeah, I like kissing you and cuddling naked, yeah I jack it to gay porn, but I just gotta end up with a woman so this was fun sorry bro!" . . . Well he put it a lot more eloquently than that, saying "our love is transcendent and indescribable, and we will certainly grow old together, but even though I will never love a woman like I love you, I just *have* to end up starting a family with a woman. . ." 'Transcendent' is a total cop-out lmao. So then, I left (I live in Tennessee now), started school but because of some beaurocratic complications, couldn't pay my tuition so I . . . wait for it: Started trading my body for methamphetamine. . . As you may know from my previous posts, I have schizophrenia. February 11th marked the anniversary of one full year out of mental institutions, the first full year since I was 13. I felt super proud of myself. But I was up for literally fucking weeks, off my meds, tweaking and losing my damn mind in Starbucks from opening to closing, and also heavily addicted to kratom, an atypical herbal opioid. And I felt like I was dying. My guts felt like they were twisting and burning. I am not sure how much of that was psychosomatic, but I am still feeling some gastrointestinal discomfort, but it's a lot better now. (Oral and sublingual was my route of administration for the meth, and meth has been occasionally known to cause bowel ischemia and assorted other issues due to vasoconstriction from activation of certain receptors in the gut.) So, February 12th, at 5:00 AM, I took an Uber to the ER. Had my t shirt tucked in, and a rosary wrapped around my hand (sorta ex-Catholic, was gonna be a priest), said: "People do really really stupid things; it's inexplicable, but it's all part of the mystery of the human experience, and I have been crushing inhalers and eating the cotton inside for their amphetamine for years, and I've also been on a meth binge for the last two weeks." Honestly had so much fun at the ER lol. It was actually terrifying, but the kindness from the staff made it so much better. Doc did some tests and said: "Your insides are not burning or rotting. You still have a bunch of methamphetamine in your system; you're just tweaking out kid. You feel like you're dying because you haven't slept or eaten in almost a week. . . Congrats on the year out of the hospital." And I strutted out of the ER with a cigarette in my hand, chugged like 3 cups of coffee from the machine in one minute, then told the receptionist: "Meth is SOOO bad for you!" She laughed. But anyway, I got kicked out of my house in Tennessee lol! Also can't come back to San Francisco house. Some background: my dad--who was also addicted to meth--beat me the fuck up every day from ages 11-13. I've had my nose and my jaw broken. Anyway, this past year, I made the mistake of believing he had """changed""" and that our conversations had """healed""" us or whatever. Well, he doesn't do meth anymore, but he is so damn dysfunctional due to his moods. Bipolar disorder. When he is depressed, he is ANGRY and VIOLENT. JUST like when I was a kid. So, when he read my text that I went to the ER, which by the way, he HAS NO IDEA WHY I even WENT to the ER, he lost his shit and screamed long loud "ffuuucckk"s down the block, I STILL hadn't slept, I fumbled with the lock, ran the fuck out, and just like that, I was only a scared little boy. And I realized. . . I have never moved past that. I am quite an immature person, in some ways. I have a breadth of intellectual maturity, but when it comes to tolerating negative (or just neutral) emotional states . . . I am just that scared little boy. Running away. Incessantly. Endlessly trapped in this pattern. This past. This ENORMOUS open and barren wasteland of memories. It haunts. It is infinite, and not in a Divine-like way. I'm currently staying at my neighbor's house. Slept for literally 20 hours. Now, 2 days sober. Haven't spent two days sober in a loooong time. (I also quit the kratom cold turkey.) And I have a job at Starbucks. But I am driving across country in March with my neighbor, back to the Bay, where I will go live in a transitional housing program in Palo Alto that I've been referred to. Withdrawal SUUUCKS. First day sober, I ate TWO WHOLE BOXES OF CHOCOLATE lol. Brain zaps. No drive. Nightmares. Does it still count as sober if I consume ~1.5 grams of caffeine a day? Haha. Anyway, this is. . . necessary. A highly unpleasant and explosive eruption into true maturity and adulthood. It's needed. Maybe I should have gotten sober last fucking year, BUT the lessons the Universe cannot be rushed. Hopelessness interpolates with hope. Despair leads to action. . . or the patience to wait. Hope is something imagined in mutuality. I continue pressing forward. . . Zigzagging toward the light. God is SUCH a femme fatale. (ALSO: my book of poetry is being published LATER THIS MONTH, so you guys should buy & read it!)
  5. Helpful Podcasts/Books!

    Does anyone have any recommendations for some podcasts or books that have been helpful in the journey to becoming sober from add meds? I am also struggling with alcohol dependency/abuse. I have listened to podcasts like The Bubble Hour, Recovery Happy Hour, and That Sober Guy, which have helped some at least with understanding my out of control drinking habits, but I haven't found much on adderall addiction recovery. I am currently reading More, Now, Again which hits pretty close to home but am interested in seeing what you guys may have found that has helped you. I am currently feeling a little motivated right now...I ran out of my scrip 10 days early (per usual) again and was dreading an upcoming move I had to make. This past weekend, I moved from once city to another and I actually got through it, with energy, without my drugs! I packed and unpacked and sweated and actually found myself smiling at times when usually I'm so jacked up, serious, and super focused I have to force myself to smile. I was feeling so much dread and anxiety the days leading up to the move because I know I wouldn't have my fix that gave me energy and hyper focus for the ever so stressful process of moving. And to be honest I don't remember the last time I moved without it (been on adderall or a form of it since middle school and currently 28). I actually thought about not refilling my next scrip because of how great I felt at the time...HA! That didn't last, unsurprisingly. Looking forward to hearing from you all. Happy 4th!
  6. Began posting in 2013, now it's 2019....

    Hey kids, well the good news is I can honestly say I am proud that i haven't taken adderall or any stimulant since 2013. I had to move countries and begin my life again in order to do that. And that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But as we know the world is small now and if you want anything bad enough you can find it, so I'm not sure my own story is even relevant these days. I think about how much I hated myself back then, though; or at least had no idea what I wanted or deserved. I was a shell of a human. Today, I have a relationship with a good man, and plans for my future. And I'm hopefuo that if I stick to the program, my dreams will come true. Why? because they have so far! One other trick of the trade: I to Narcotics Anonymous and AA meetings at least 3 times a week. I can tell you, it didn't cure me, but it saved me. I suggest maybe try it. Amphetamines lie, only you can know your own truth. Only you can aset you free. My prayers are with you. Fiona.
  7. Stand with me and quit. It's toxic not only to you but to your family and friends. At first, it's an amazing drug but at the end it's hell. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. This story tells it all!!
  8. Hello everyone, I came here for some desperately needed help and advice, I've hope my story gives you a little bit of context to what I'm going through. Here's a little about myself, I'm a 16 year old in the midst of a Sophomore year with an immensely rigorous course load, and I've relied heavily on Adderall, Focalin, and Vyvanse to get through it, I just found this website for the first time after getting busted by my parents for taking several Focalin pills from their lockbox, this is the third time I have been caught, and I think it will likely be my last. Here's my story: The Honeymoon Stage: My journey began in 8th grade, believe it or not. I took my sister's Focalin after hearing a brief conversation about ADHD drugs and their remarkable effects, I had no idea the addictive potential, nor anything else about the risk of these drugs. I felt unstoppable, I practically got two-weeks of work done, which was fairly insignificant when considering it was 8th grade, but I felt like I had found a miracle pill. Another side note, throughout my whole life I have been generally lazy and rarely self-motivated, I had a painstakingly hard time concentrating but I always scraped by in school, so this was a solution to my problems. I took a pill a few times a month, and I had great results, I thought if I could have access to my own prescription I could set myself up for major success throughout high school and beyond. I would continue to sparingly take the Focalin into my Freshman year as I slowly fell in love with the drug. The long process of getting a prescription culminated in June of Freshman year, by that time I had increased use to 2-3x per week, and I would not do work on days without the pills. It got me through midterms with fantastic results, and projects/papers were done with ease in a single night. I got a Vyvanse and Adderall prescription, and I have been a slave to the drugs ever since. I aced all of my finals, enjoying every moment of studying and every moment of taking them, I was clearly consumed by the euphoria. The Moderated Stage: Even though school was over I continued my use in the summer, where I used it to work tirelessly on my athletic career, where I also found success. I was taking one (20 mg Adderall), then one and a half, then sometimes two, but I thought I had things under control. This year school started, and I hit the ground running, I got perfect grades in the first two quarters, but I was consistently taking double my dose now. The side effects remained minimal, however, and I did not run into any issues. When Shit Hit The Fan: Basketball season marked the beginning of my spiral, I couldn't take the Adderall during practice, because my heart would nearly pop (my coach was a stern advocate for extensive conditioning) when I took it before, and if I waited until after I would be up until 3 am. At this point I was also extremely psychologically addicted, I had not done work without Adderall or Focalin since eighth grade, and whenever I tried, I would just give in to my urges to abandon my studies. So I tortured myself, taking it after basketball and getting barely if any sleep each night. I quickly had to make more and more, as sleep-deprivation greatly hindered its effectiveness. I would run out of my script, then take my sister's Focalin in much larger doses. At my peak, I would take 60-80 mg of Adderall, and the same dosage of Focalin when I would run out. I wasn't even getting shit done anymore, my grades dipped, and I was showing up to basketball games with 50 mg of Adderall in my system, unable to function. Busted: I was spared by my parents when they found my empty script bottles a week and a half after refill, I denied having an issue, but they took them away, "forcing" me to take Focalin instead. I took far too much Focalin, as my dopamine system was pretty messed up and I was still sleep-deprived. Again, they popped me after there was clearly a large portion of the pills missing. They hid the medication, and I panicked, I could hardly keep my eyes open, and I felt like I need the Adderall even to start my work. I felt like a complete addict, I spent hours searching every nook and cranny of my house, convinced that I must have misplaced a pill at some point. After this bust, they took me to my pediatrician and he gave me my prescription back except my parents were to store it in a lockbox. My tolerance for both medications are through the roof, and I need more than one pill. I am so desperate that I find a way to pick the lock with a paper clip, I take large doses on a few occasions, pretending to consume my single pill on days where I didn't have much work, putting it back so I can binge on multiple on occasions instead. When I stole too many Adderall pills, I stopped using them altogether to avoid the risk of getting caught. Instead, I would take the Vyvanse out of the capsules, mix it into water, then fill the capsules with salt and return them to the box. When I ran out of Vyvanse, I did the same for Focalin. Where I am Now: I am clearly an addict. I just don't feel like I am capable of doing work without it, I am falling in and out of sleep when I am off it. Today was my third confrontation with my parents. The only reason I got popped was that I held onto the empty capsules after taking them this afternoon, planning to fill them up later tonight but my mom checked the lockbox and noticed some were missing in the afternoon. The consequences are going to be dire, and I think I won't have a script, nor access to any medication. I don't know how I will be able to survive my lazy and unmotivated self in my several AP classes. I have relied on these drugs to do 5-6 hours of work outside of school every day, and now I can hardly concentrate for more than two minutes. I do feel that I genuinely have ADHD, I cannot stop myself from spacing out every minute or so in each of my classes. I cannot redo my high school years, and I am on pace to go to a fairly prestigious school, but I think things are going to crash without these drugs. I love my motivated, focused, and organized self when I am on the pills. I came to this website to look for help and advice, I am very tempted to purchase the pills just to maintain my grades. Thanks in advance for hearing me out.
  9. 8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse

    I found this online in another forum a while ago and recovered it recently. I've put it in the announcements because it feels more like a "sticky" than a discussion doc or question or personal tale. I found it really accurate. Hope it's helpful. Stage 1 of Amphetamine Use - During this stage, amphetamine will be at its hedonic peak; the pleasure of taking amphetamine will not get any higher from this point on. The most notable feelings are a "lovey" feeling, powerful euphoria, increased motivation, deep philosophical thinking, strong feelings of "lust", etc. Length of phase: 1-3 days with binge usage; 5-10 days with daily usage; About 5-15 uses total if used sparingly with atleast several days inbetween doses. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Powerful euphoria - Empathy and socialability - Overwhelming amount of increased motivation Stage 2 of Amphetamine Use - During this stage, the "lovey" and empathetic feelings of amphetamine quickly fade, although the "pleasurable" feelings of euphoria and increased motivation are still present. The decrease in empathetic feelings is likely responsible from a depletion of serotonergic vesicles. Most users note that it is impossible to transition back to "Stage 1" at this point, no matter how long of a break a person takes from amphetamine. This suggests that a permanent tolerance develops for the empathetic effects of the drug - whether this occurs from a psychological acclimation to the effects, or from physiological reasons, I don't know. This is the stage which doctors aim for when prescribing amphetamine for medicinal use with ADD and ADHD. This stage can be prolonged for quite some time (and if the dose is low enough, some medical professionals say that this phase can be prolonged indefinitely) this is assuming of course that the user continuously maintains an adequate amount of high quality sleep (7+ hours a night), proper nutrition, and a non-sedentary lifestyle. Length of Stage: 1-7 days with binge usage (note that binge usage is defined by immediately taking another dose once the effects of one dose wear off or begin to wear off, interrupting sleep in the process). 2 Weeks to 6+ Months if used daily (and maintaining a healthy lifestyle). Indefinitely if used sparingly (with 3-5+ days inbetween uses). Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Increased Motivation - Slight Euphoria Stage 3 of Amphetamine Use, the "Tool" phase - At this point, most if not all empathetic effects of usage have diminished. This point is characterized by the fact that amphetamine becomes the sole motivator for tasks, hence the nickname "The Tool Phase" because amphetamine is now used as a Tool for accomplishment. The negative physiological effects (the "body load") become more prominent. Length of Stage: At this point, it is hard to define the length it will take to transition from one stage to the next. Some users will find that if they take breaks from their usage or just lower their dose, they can go backwards to earlier stages. Some binge users may even rapidly progress through the stages, possibly even skipping to the final ones or developing psychosis. Characteristic Effects of this stage: - Period of 'positive effects' and period of 'negative effects' from taking a dose begin to merge. (usually, if negative effects are present they only follow after the positive effects wear off) - The user needs amphetamine to stay at/above a baseline level of motivation, and when amphetamine is not in effect the user is below a baseline level of motivation. -In order for a task to be done effeciently, the user finds that they need to be on amphetamine. - The level of euphoria decreases to a point where it is no more significant than the level of euphoria which most people get from daily life without amphetamine. Stage 4 of Amphetamine Use, "The Decline" - The efficiency of amphetamine as a "Tool" begins to drop significantly, and this stage is characterized by the "comedown" (the period of negative effects after the drug begins to wear off) becoming much stronger. The "comedown" may even begin to merge in with the period of positive effects. At this point, the body load may begin to become painful. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Painful body load (Muscle Pain, High Blood Pressure, Inadequate Circulation, Dehydration, Malnutrition, deterioration of the skin and other tissues, etc). - Depression - Severe Anxiety Stage 5 of Amphetamine Use, The Procrastination - This Stage may or may not be experienced by amphetamine users. In this stage, the positive effects of amphetamine are almost absent if not completely gone, and the "coming up" of a dose of amphetamine is subsequently followed by an immediate barrage of negative effects (both physiological and psychological). The reason this phase is called "The Procrastination" is because the user forgets how unbearable the negative sensations are (due to amphetamine compromising the brain's ability to efficiently make memories, especially goal-orientated memories); by the next day, even though the user may have told himself to not take amphetamine, he takes amphetamine again anyways (due to the brain not being able to make a goal-orientated memory, the brain was unable to produce counter-motivation to stop the user from taking more amphetamine the next day). This might possibly be the most psychologically painful and strenuous phase for the amphetamine user, since he is unable to figure out why he keeps taking amphetamine even though he clearly knows it only causes him pain. Characteristic Effects: - Repeatedly taking amphetamine despite knowledge that it no longer gives the desired effects, and only causes negative effects. Stage 6 of Amphetamine Use, Irritability and Pessimism - This phase is characterized by extreme irritability. The user begins forgetting the drug is responsible for his negative feelings, and begins to blame things in the environment around them instead. The user begins to think that other people are responsible for how poorly he/she feels. The user might show hostility, or social withdrawal. The user also begins to develop an extremely pessimistic attitude towards life. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Acute Depression - Severe Anxiety - Irritability, even when the drug is out of the user's system - Psychosis - Inability to Sleep - Severe Restlessness - lack of willpower - Inability to find "the right choice of words" - Obsessive Thinking Stage 7 of Amphetamine use, Nihilism and Dissociation - During this phase, incidences of psychosis begin to emerge (if they haven't already) even if the drug user has been maintaining an adequate amount of sleep. The user usually becomes nihilistic, thinking that nothing in life matters or has meaning. Some users may even become solipsistic, which means they think that they are the only things which are real in the world. Solipsism is often accompanied by paranoia, or thinking that others only have the intention of harming the solipsistic individual. If the user had obtained any philosophical or metacognitive methods of thinking during the earlier stages of amphetamine use, those same metacognitive methods begin to eat away at the person's psyche. They feel as if they are helpless to do anything besides sit back and watch their mind become unravelled. Even if the user realizes that his irritable attitude towards other people isn't how he truly feels, he is unable to manage his irritability (most likely due to a complete diminishment of serotonin, as well as the brain's ability to make memories being compromised). The individual's ego may begin to deconstruct itself, and the user may have a feeling that they completely lack any willpower to do anything. This stage is also accompanied by a large amount of confusion. Characteristic Effects of this stage: - Confusion - Paranoia - Unbearable Depression and Anxiety - Delusions - Increased Incidences of Psychosis - Increasingly Painful Body Load - Lack of willpower - Cognition become confusing and incoherent. Users often claim things like their mind is "too loud", "jumping to false conclusions", or "doesn't make sense" and the user feels helpless to control this. - Panic Attacks become very prominent - Feelings of Deja Vu - If weight loss was experienced in beginning stages, it may come to a hault or even reverse into weight gain - Inability to experience pleasure - Akathisia - Feelings that an individual no longer has "free will" - Difficult to form coherent sentences and speak properly. Similar to "Clanging" or "Word Salad" experienced in schizophrenics. Stage 7b "Letting Go / Giving Up" - This stage is not always experienced, but in some instances after the user has experienced an excruciating and unbearable amount of anxiety and mental stress, he may experience a period of "Letting Go" in which the brain gives up on constructing/maintaining its deluded psychological structures. The negative effects of the drug temporarily fade, and the user has a "moment of peace". This temporary phase usually only lasts several hours (if not less) before the user returns to phase 7. Since the brain during this phase has completely abandoned any attempts to make goal orientated behaviour, the user may find it difficult (or simply not want to) to take care of themselves. However, during this phase, the user will find that they will actually be able to get to sleep, and they should take advantage of this temporary somnia to get sleep. I do not know what neurological mechanisms are responsible for this phase; it is almost as if it is the brain's last resort - to enter a careless and stressless stupor. Perhaps the brain releases endorphins in response to the unbearable anxiety? Characteristic Effects: - Stupor - Irresponsiveness - Carelessness - Ironically, if effects of "word salad" or "clanging" were experienced in stage 7, they are no longer as present in stage 7b. Stage 8, "The Stupor", Brain Damage - In this stage, amphetamine no longer gives effects, and the brain's desire for taking amphetamine (even if taking it has become a habit) begins to drop. As long as amphetamine use continues, the user makes no progress towards recovery of any sort. The individual is unresponsive and disconnected. Amphetamine has a tendency to make the user put too much effort into anything/everything, and this gives the brain not a single moment of psychological "rest" (where the individual doesn't think deeply). However, during this phase, it is quite the opposite - the individual's mind is in a prolonged state of resting and won't even follow through with the very act of thinking if the thought takes too much effort to think. During this phase, the user may have a steep decline in intelligence. Characteristic Effects: - Prolonged episodes of stupor and carelessness - Lethargy - Diminished Intelligence and mental efficiency - Irreversible Psychological Damage - Possible brain damage - The individual may develop a "permanent stuttering" which persists even after amphetamine has long since been ceased. - In a similar way that the stuttering develops, an individual may develop a possible permanent difficulty talking, using correct grammar and sentence structure, or expressing thoughts to others. In severe cases, this may even resemble a schizophrenic's clanging or word salad. - Essentially, the mind at this point is irreversibly compromised. The user's personality might have changed permanently. The individual may be much more easily irritated for the rest of his/her life. Cognitive functioning will never work the same as it used to. Although the user may make improvements and greatly recover, it will almost always seem like something "isn't right" in the mind, or that something is "missing". Individuals will still be able to lead fulfilling lives, and some may make amazing recoveries where they feel normal again like they did before they ever began using. Unfortunately, in severe cases, the individual may never be the same again.
  10. Trying to figure out if this is a mental health disorder induced by Adderall or a mixture of things. Or Adderall addiction? My husband and I’ve been together for 14 years and my life completely changed on me 4 1/2 months ago. My husband has past and present addiction issues. He was diagnosed as a child with ADD and has not been on any medication for many years. Then about 1 year ago. Adderall came into our lives and, it changed him. Within a year and a half, I have dealt with severe mood swings, extreme anxiety, panic attacks, easily irritated. When he got angry he would sometimes say self harm comments.= and was sleeping very little. We began fighting more once he got on Adderall and we really did not fight much the last few years. This past year I felt I was walking on eggshells in my house. I told him that I felt this medication was not right for him and he needed to talk to the doctor, but he defends it. He says it has more pros for him like super confidence, focus and weight loss. I know he would take more than prescribed. There were weekly morning anxiety fits if nothing went how he wanted in the morning. It got so bad that my dogs would come by me whenever he did anything passive aggressive. His daily cocktail consists of energy drinks, high potency marijuana, cigarettes, Adderall 30 RX and a bit of an excessive spender. In the middle of July, my marriage abruptly ended. The night before a big fight , my husband did not sleep at all and he really had not slept the last couple days since refilling his Adderall prescription and had some drinks the night before. I has stopped at home after work before I went to an appointment and I could tell his mood wasn’t good and he didn’t sleep the night before. When I returned it was like all hell broke loose. My husband really wanted to start a family and I did too. He was upset because he had found out his friend was going to have a baby and we were not pregnant and he felt I wasn’t trying and their was no intimacy. I wanted to start a family, but did have concerns about his recent behavior since being on Adderall. I know the last two months were not as active in the intimacy department, but we always were intimate every month. I will admit there were times I just didn’t feel like it, and as I talk about it to my Therapist I believe it was because everything that was going on. My husband spent more time to himself and I felt I was taking on more responsibilities around house. He felt that I wasn’t wanting to have kids and wasn’t trying which was not true. Sure, I could have done more I agree, but to say I wasn’t planning on having children is not true. Then a few days later, after I am asking him to come back home, apologizing trying to figure out what happened we had an angry phone call for about two hours. He yelled horrible things, called me names. Not something he would do. He said things that did not make sense to me at all. So within a few day of the fight, he filed for divorce and then no really type of communication. While he still had not let me know his decision regarding marriage counseling, I was informed about him being on a dating websites and didn’t even try to attempt to save the marriage. He never told me that he did not want to do counseling, just told me he needed time to think. He was still angry about a fight we had a few weeks back. I had said some mean things to him out of anger and frustration; I didn’t help I had some drinks before hand. Left the house and all his responsibilities and I have not seen him since. Is this Adderall behavior or addiction behavior or maybe something else? Once on Adderall his personality changed and he just isolated himself . We would argued with him about how he was not present in the house. Increased anxiety and panic attacks become very noticeable after getting on Adderall. I was thinking about divorce back in November. I was so tried of the fights and passive aggressive behavior, but decided on marriage counseling instead. We barley attended couseling and never got to any issues. We stopped going but agreed to continue in the fall. I know I was not happy about this, but since he went and said he would continue in the fall I agreed. I'm left wondering is it possibly some type of manic episode? Or the Adderall or a mixture of everything has brought this on? From what I have read if someone taking Adderall or any stimulant, it can increase the risk of manic type behavior if medications are not monitored. His personality did change a lot in a year and a half. This was all very confusing to me. I spent 14 years with him and have forgiven and rebuilt trust on many occasions, and now he is gone. My heart has not caught up with my mind yet. Everything is still raw with the pain of losing a person you loved so much. My future was just ripped out under me. I was really trying so hard to get us to marriage counseling because this could have been easily worked out and we really could have acquired new skills of interacting. Instead of having kids now, I am getting a divorce trying to figure what happened. It just is very shocking and hurtful when it is all of a sudden gone. I had lengthy discussions with my therapist about the behavior displayed, and the rants. Her comment was until he got completely off everything he really could not be diagnosed. He has treated me very cold and with such disdain and I never once in a million years would have saw this from him.
  11. depression Life ruined?

    I have been lurking this website and this forum for over a year. I have contemplated sharing my story for so long but couldn't make myself do it-maybe because being honest would make everything real- but at this point, I know I have a problem. I never thought that I would end up here. I started taking Adderall in 2012 because the nurse practitioner thought I had legitimate ADHD and I did as well. For the first year, I didn't abuse the drug. I only took it when needed and every month I usually had at least ten extra pills. Slowly, over time I gradually increased my dosage. Sometimes it was a little bit extra here and there- nothing too extreme but somehow I ended up here- prescribed 30 mg IR a day and taking up to 60 mg IR, maybe even more. I lost weight, became really irritable and lost sight of who I was. I ran out early all the time and would just sleep it off for those few days, lie about how things were going and then pickup my script. Over time I needed benzos so fall asleep and to take the edge off of the crash. My prescriber got so frustrated with me that she cut off both prescriptions. I found a new psychiatrist and told him I had trouble with it in the past (a somewhat sanitized version) and he agreed I could take it as long as I was honest with him and didn't any extra. Of course, I fucking blew it. But this time, instead of lying, I decided to be honest. I came to his office and told him I was taking way more than prescribed and that my life had gotten out of control. I'm on the "taper down" method. I should be off altogether in a month. I'm currently taking one 20 XR a day and I wish I could say that I only felt mildly uncomfortable but the truth is it barely affects me and feels only slightly less better than not taking anything at all. I'm tempted to take more but I can't lie to this guy. It's hard for me to articulate how truly alone I feel. It's not the fact that I let this get so out of control (ironically, I thought the Adderall was the only thing holding my life together, until it was ruining it), it's just the path that lead me here. A good portion of my life I have been so deeply and profoundly depressed and this was the only thing that helped. But something deep inside of me knew that I couldn't fix the underlying issues that lead me here without being sober. I'm just worried that I ruined my life. The brain fog, the tiredness and the crushing depression are so intense that sometimes I'll just sit with my head in my hands, as if I can't even contain these feelings. I rarely cry, but there are times when I start crying and can't stop. I realized that this is probably the tip of an Everest sized emotional iceberg that I've ignored for so many years. I'm so afraid. And beyond feeling afraid, I have never, ever felt so alone. I know that no one sitting on the other end of this and reading this could ever really say that I will be "ok", but to know that someone else knows what it's like to not only be deeply intertwined with a drug they thought saved their life and lose it, but who knows what it's like to feel like there was something deeply and pathologically wrong with you that lead you down this road in the first place would feel comforting. Or that someone out there read this.
  12. ATTN: All those who hate the pharmaceutical industry and feel they would never have started using ADHD medications if they'd been properly informed of their harm (my law firm McEldrewYoung will talk to you and get your consent and verify my words before you officially join) , I have never used ADHD drugs myself, but lost my fiancee to Adderall addiction three years ago. Since then I've been researching the vested interests who have caused these controlled substances to be recommended as supposedly "safe" and "beneficial" for even toddlers. This continued to bother my conscience for 3 years day and night, during which I've conducted extensive research. The facts I've compiled (including personal communications with the FDA and Health Canada who have admitted to the alleged misrepresentation) have convinced a large law firm (MCELDREW YOUNG, ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW) to start a class action lawsuit on contingency, alleging the violation of the public's right to informed consent about Adderall, Vyvanse and Daytrana, Strattera, Concerta, Ritalin or Focalin. YOUR HELP IS NEEDED TO SUCCEED AT GETTING THESE HARMFUL MEDICATIONS OFF THE MARKET, please keep reading.this about what you can do to help. I'll be an expert witness in this lawsuit, and to guarantee its success, we are looking for principle plaintiffs (also called class representatives) who are trusted members of this forum who want these drugs recalled as badly as i do, who would do everything humanly possible to represent the best interest of every other class member (possibly thousands of damaged parties who can document side effects such as depression, heart disease, etc. including documentable addiction/abuse). These principle class representatives will get a larger compensation (can be up to $30, 000 more than everyone else), their names will be publicly disclosed but not any information from their medical records (the rest of the class members will neither have their names nor damages publicly disclosed). I have read about class action suits whose class representatives were paid-off to agree to settle for almost nothing with a non-disclosure agreement preventing the press from hearing anything. I have also read about class representatives who have agreed to settle for a huge sum for the law firm and negligible amounts for the injured plaintiffs themselves. This is why I don't want to take chances with just anyone the law firm may assign, but want trusted members of this forum who will promise here that they will not let any such thing happen to this lawsuit. You can read more about the responsibilities of class representatives here: So if you'd like to do this, I hope you are as outraged as me me to have been a victim of pharmaceutical fraud, wanting as much as me to end it. Again, I'll be asking these people to promise here to do everything they can to negotiate a huge settlement from the drug manufacturers or let the case go to trial if the drug companies refuse to comply, never signing a non-disclosure agreement and allowing us to create a huge public stink about this fraud ruining millions of innocent lives each year. To see if you qualify to represent this class, please read the top part of this questionnaire: and then fill it out if you wish to participate (will only take 5 minutes to complete, my law firm McEldrewYoung will talk to you and get your consent and verify my words before you officially join). Then my law firm will get back to you. When the law firm contacts you, I may get compensated for my 3 years of hard work if you'd kindly let them know that this essay ( helped you realize the full extent to which ADHD drugs have been misrepresented as "safe" and "beneficial" (you don't have to read all of this, but please keep reading until you see how badly you all have been defrauded by the pharmaceutical industry -- trust me, you will end up as furious as I am before you finish the first page or two, you can verify every statement instantly with clickable references). My law firm may also ask you when was the first time that you realized that your right to informed consent was violated. People who realized this sometime in the past may not qualify to participate as the lawsuit has a statute of limitations for 2 years. But the statue of limitations starts now for all those who have realized that their informed consent was violated after reading the facts I've presented to them: Thanks again for your much appreciated contributions to help prevent future generations from falling prey to increase drug company profits. Asli Theobald, M.S., Information Systems Analyst
  13. Guilt Ridden

    Hi Everyone, I've been off Adderall for about 9 months and I'm doing fine, but before I quit I gave about 10, 20mg pills to a friend who was showing his film at a major film festival and I though he needed it to keep up. He was really overweight and low energy and needed an extra burst of energy to keep up with all the screenings/press stuff and parties for networking. He doesn't and has never suffered from ADD. Fast forward a year and he has become addicted to it, has lost about 120 pounds and has alienated most of his close friends, seriously compromised his relationship with his family and has burned bridges professionally. He is someone who has had panic disorder and narcissistic traits for as long as I've known him but both have become much worse since he started taking adderall. He also never shuts up and seems unaware that other people have their own lives to live. I won't abandon our friendship since I feel partly responsible for what is happening to him, but I'm not sure how to help him. I quit adderall because of the horrible side effects and I took a very low dose. He has asked me this week to help him, because, ironically he has become very scattered and can't seem to get his shit together and needs someone to help him get some stuff off his plate. I'm wondering from all of you if you have had symptoms like his where the drug backfires and makes you less organized? I'm also wondering if there is anything I can do to convince him that he is not a better version of himself that he seems to be convinced of. Does this happen to people who abuse adderall who don't suffer from ADD? Any general advice on how to move forward?
  14. So Ive been craving adderall all day long and my work that im doing requires me to sit still and concentrate Its almost like I cant even get my hand to move and open up the program to work. Like I know that If I wrote this I can do that and maybe it is all placebo but does anyone have any advice? Thank you!!
  15. So I just quit adderall a week ago after taking it for 5 years, Its very hard for me to write so I made a quick youtube video that will motivate and inspire yall. You guys can do it, if I quit you can also. Youtube -
  16. I am sure something to this extent has been posted about before, but I am wondering if anyone out there has managed to quit while maintaining responsibilities. It seems like the easy way out would be to quit work, run away from daily responsibilities, but what if you can't. I know I have done it in the past, but after relapse my addiction is at the point of spiraling out of control. In the past, I used to be able to taper off with a minor crash. Now I just crave taking them all and hoping that some miracle will happen and I will be able to work through WILL. Naive, I believe. I am also curious to see, who has been successful, in getting off of Adderall from a high dosage. And what was the dosage? And what actions did you take?
  17. I feel that it is finally time to tell my story. I have been on Adderall for 13 years total. With a 3 year break about 5 1/2 years ago. I was first prescribed Adderall in college, it started with 10mg 3 times a day. I felt the best I ever have when I quit for three years, but when a stressful job entered my life, I decided to go back on to Adderall. My new prescription became 20 mg IR 4 times a day. I would often run out in 2 weeks and the doctor would write me another prescription, of the same amount, for the next two weeks. So in reality, I was taking 20mg 8 times a day for a total of 160 mg a day. And I am sure there were many days I took more. I am currently on 40 mg IR and I need help. I have nowhere to turn. I have been inconsistent at work, suffering from major fatigue. I have thought of suicide. I want to be free from this again, but I feel that I have done so much damage to my brain and body. I feel like when I stop taking my medication all I want to do is sleep. When I quit for 3 years, I actually felt okay without medication. It was a struggle and I gained weight. I had low self confidence, but there still seemed like there was hope and I was overall happy. Now I don't know what to do. I was the primary earner in my family and we can't afford to have me quit. So, in the end, I suppose I am writing this to see if there is any hope or if I have completely ruined my life. I feel that I have completely ruined my life and I am worthless to society. Any advice on quitting and being able to get out of bed would be much appreciated. For all of you who are only a few years in-THERE is HOPE. Quit now, don't go down the road I did. You will get better in time. Same for all of you on low doses, you can overcome it. Anyhow, that is my story. I had to get it out. Just in case there is still a chance at a normal life.
  18. Losing Touch with Reality....Again

    Hi! I am new to the forum and am not ready to create 'My Story'. But I will soon. The condensed version is that I went to a psychiatrist in 2014 and because I am a master manipulator was able to obtain an ADHD diagnosis and a prescription for 3 x 30mg per day Adderall. So 90mg right out of the gate. The reason I wanted it? I watched a friend completely transform her life and her body with those oh so tasty orange footballs. She accomplished everything and more and lost thirty pounds. And, she gave 100% of the credit to her new best friend, Addie. I fell in love instantly with the drug about an hour after my first pill. I liken it to the first hit of crack I smoked. I thought I found heaven. Until I was pulled into Hell. Quickly. Addie was different, or so I thought. I did not have to roam the streets and put myself into extreme danger to get high. I was losing weight, I was working like a superhuman. My apartment has never been cleaner, down to the tile caulking (each tile, thank you very much!) in the entire bathroom. I, also, lost weight very fast. Though I knew I looked tired, I played off the whole 'heroine addicted model' role and loved every minute of it. From 2014 through today my dosage is approximately 90mg up to 120mg when I have pills. I come down using Xanax. I talk to myself, I do not go out of the house when I am high, I still do a ton of 'work' but it mainly consists of the equivalent of herding cats all day. My Master's degree program is going great because I can sit for hours and hours and study (I have a tendency to read out loud to myself at this point). I am pissed because it seems my body has adapted to knowing the substance is going to cause what it thinks to be starvation, so my body compensates for it. No more rapid weight loss...suck. Fast forward to 2017. I am losing touch with reality. I run out of pills very early in the month, and absolutely dread the crash that is going to take place, but now I look forward to it. If I can brace myself for a hard, painful landing, I can laugh again. I can watch my Sundance Doc Channel and enjoy lounging on the couch, remaining in one spot long enough to relax and take in the show from beginning to end. I sleep so well. I dream. (I never dream on Addie and only get four to six hours sleep max when I do my Addie Run). I want to break free of this cycle, but then again, I don't want to. I mean, I get three months worth of work done in the 15 days I have the pills, then rest for 15, then the cycle starts all over again with the next bottle. The party's over I am afraid....
  19. Hellooo! I need a bit of advice/support/whatnot on an issue I'm having currently. To say that I was addicted to Adderall is an understatement. I was taking 200-300 mg per day at my heaviest use. It was utter hell, but I got things done. I've toughed it out, and celebrated one year off of Adderall on Jan. 19th. As proud as I am of being off for this long, I'm growing very frustrated with how little I get done during my day. I will sit down and write a list for things that I want to accomplish the following day, only to sleep until 11am, putz around all day long, and then end up feeling guilty about not getting a damn thing done all day long the next evening. I do a pep talk "tomorrow will be different....I'll wake up and work out and clean the house, and blah blah blah" make another list, and then repeat. I'm so frustrated at myself. We own our own business, and I have plenty of time to get stuff done, since I'm a work at home mom. But, I rarely get things done in a timely manner, and my poor husband has had to hire someone else to do my end of the job to make sure it gets done. My house is a disaster. I've gained a ton of weight. I've gotten depressed. I just want to be a productive member of society-- why can't I do it?!? I'm hoping someone will tell me that this is normal, and that it's what happens right before you actually get up off your behind and start living life to its fullest. Please tell me that this isn't what I've become forever. Any ideas on how to kick this? I know part of my problem is social media, so I'm trying to not go on as often. (Unsuccessfully, thus far.) I am at the point where I'm debating if I was wrong to not use medicine to help me. I really hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and that I don't have to go back to medication for relief of symptoms. Thanks!
  20. My community college offers personal counseling (including substance abuse counseling) and today I scheduled my first apointment for tomorrow morning. I have struggled with substance abuse for quite some time (I am turning 21 next month). I've never been to counseling (outside of seeing my psychiatrist for 5 minute meetings every 4-6 months) so I don't really know what to expect. Hoping to get some idea from people here who have done counseling before. I also have a couple questions about couseling. Basically any advice or tips at all is very appreciated. 1.) Can a counselor contact my psychiatrist and tell her that I abuse my medicine? 2.) How reserved or open should I be for my first session? Is it safe to just come clean about ALL drug misuse experiece? Even about other pill abuse? Or even illegal substances like cocaine which I did a bit too... Getting drug abuse couseling is obviously very new for me and I just want to kinda prepare myself as well as I can. I don't wanna say too much not knowing the next day my doc will stop my meds, put me in rehab, maybe even tell my parents since I am on their health insurace.. Thanks everyone
  21. As I have documented, I have been a severe stimulant addict for many years, and many recovery attempts. I practically grew up reading posts on this website. Many times when I tried to quit, I would read this sub-forum for new drugs to take. I just wanted more of the same effects. When I ended up relapsing, I continued my "regimen" of various expensive nootropics and supplements. The reality is if you take this route, ​you will be unhappy, and you will inevitably fail. You need to change your mindset. As articulated well in an article on this site, Adderall is actually BAD for your focus and ADHD. Not just in addiction, but actually at all. It changes your whole mindset about getting things done. This distortion is exactly what causes the problem. Don't replace one stimulant with another. The so called "flow" is what you do not want at ALL costs. You can't stop your addict mindset by switching substances, even if one is less harmful than the other. But you can use your addictive tendencies to your advantage. Remember when you were running out of pills and desperately avoided social encounters so you didn't waste your supply? Well you can utilize that same mentality, but with real, good habits, instead of bad ones. Lets say you had a great day; you didn't take adderall, you got up early, you had a great workout...whatever it is. All that is important is that is is in limited supply-you don't do it often. Now take the same mindset you developed with adderall and apply it to this situation. You don't want to waste your good day. So use that as motivation to study, not drink, write a blog post. Whatever it is. Just Do It. And don't waste it.
  22. Terrified

    Hi, I'm a single mom. I have a great career and, on the outside, look like I have it all together. But, I'm addicted to something new and nobody knows. I've struggled with Percocet addiction for three years. I've been on suboxone three times, this time for 4 months. Never went to rehab or joined any support groups. I did go to a 3 day detox 1.5 yrs ago when I wanted off and didn't know I could get suboxone from a Dr. Those 3 days were hell. My family and best friend knew about that and they all think I've been sober since. But I had fallen off twice and been off and on subs. They have no idea I'm on subs right now. My life is falling apart financially. I make good money. My job performance is struggling and I'm very talented at what I do. Two days ago I was placed on a warning. If I don't improve then I'm fired. I have a company car too so I won't have a vehicle. I was actually doing very well on the suboxone and things had improved for me. Then, 2 months ago I decided to ask my psychiatrist about treating my ADD. She knows I'm on suboxone. But, she prescribed me vyvance. The first couple of day I hated the way I felt. Nervous, pain in my feet, terrible. So, she switched me to adderall. I immediately fell in love. But, after 3 days, I had to take 2 pills to get the same effect. So, my psychiatrist saw me at the 2 week mark and increased my adderall. Same thing for the next 2 weeks and next two weeks. I was ripping through my 30 day scripts in 2 weeks, then getting a new, higher dose filled and the pharmacy had to because it was a different script. Now, I'm at a 30mg xr and one 30mg ir. But, I take double. Some days I even take up to 210 mg. My body just gets used to it so quickly and I can't feel the effects. Well, 3 weeks ago my psychiatrist said okay no more adjusting every 2 weeks, see you in a month. I ran out a week ago. My appt with her is in 5 more days. My sister takes one 20mg xr a day and has for years. Well, she's been on a vacation and I have her keys. She left a bottle of the 20mg capsules in her cabinet. When I first ran out last week I took Bronkaid (contains ephedrine) and caffeine pills for 3 days to stave off full blow withdrawal. Then I realized my sister had those adderall and I could sneak some. At first, I took one. I thought, just one to make me feel better. Bronkaid and caffeine work but it's fucking aweful, jittery, shaking, not pleasant. Well here I am now. Took all of her pills this week, 3-4 a day to function. I saved the capsules and filled them with vitamin c beads. I am a terrible person. I was sobbing last night as I filled up those capsules. I put them back in her cabinet. My sister is my best friend and trusts me. And I'm a monster. She gets back Sunday. My plan is to go back into her house wed after I get my script, while she's at work, and dump the vitamin c, then fill them with the beads of my adderall. I took the last ones this morning knowing my kid is at her dad's this weekend so I can sleep for 2 days. And I'll take Bronkaid/caffeine to get me through work until my Wed appt. I'm about to take a 2 week vacation to back to the Midwest with my daughter. Staying with my grandma so would be perfect time to quit but I'm terrified. I'm so fucking scared. But I hate who I am on the adderall. On one hand I love how much energy it gives me but I have a very short temper. I find myself yelling at my daughter and she doesn't know how to even react because I've never yelled at her. I see her happiness fade from her precious, innocent face when I yell and I then I hate myself. My parents always yelled at me and I promised I wouldn't do that. My daughter doesn't deserve that. She's the most innocent, beautiful, perfect little creation of God and I strive to be the best mommy in the world for her. I want to tell my sister what I did and that I have another addiction and cry in her arms and have her help me find outpatient rehab. I can't do in-patient for a month or I'd lose my job. I am so pissed at myself for thinking I could take another mind altering pill and not get hooked. I barely drink alcohol. Prescription pills are my devil.
  23. Not gonna lie guys, this is a bit long. I have a lot to say but I promise that if you endure this wall of text you will feel a rejuvenated sense of why you decided to quit in the first place. I've taken adderall steadily for the past 6 years of my life. I was 19 when I took my first dose and I thought that I had finally found a way to get ahead and utilize my full potential. In case you're super shitty at math, I'm 25 now. Everything was so clear, I was able to focus on tasks for ridiculously long amounts of time, I suddenly had this "inspiration" in my everyday life that I simply didn't have before, I was losing weight (mainly due to forgetting to eat as often) and I was looking great. My skin was glowing and my eyes radiated resolution and confidence. All of that sounds pretty rad right? Unfortunately, there was one problem; it was all completely synthetic and artificial. This is not to say that I didn't have the potential to be an efficient powerhouse without the drug, but I wasn't learning how to do it on my own. I was relying on a pill every day to do it for me. I justified my continued abuse in literally any way that I could whether it be "I don't even take that high of a dose" or "my doctor prescribed this to me for a reason right? I need this." Three years in to my drug fueled lifestyle and I realized that I hadn't accomplished shit. Adderall had gotten me hyped up every day but I somehow ended up falling in to the same cycle of not doing anything to better my life or to get ahead. I continued to waste the high on playing video games or going on youtube tangents for several hours at a time, and usually ended my days by binge drinking myself to sleep. Adderall's euphoric effects simply made me content with achieving nothing. It was around this same time that I noticed something; my pills didn't seem to be working anymore. I would take my XR at the same time I did every day, but I just seemed to be fast-forwarding through the feel good and arriving at the crash landing. My thought process had become foggy and I didn't enjoy activities that I normally adored (writing/playing music, going to the gym, and in general socializing with others.) I started to develop symptoms very similar to bipolar disorder and was seldomly ever actually happy. My girlfriend of 4 years decided that she couldn't deal with my constant mood swings and unenthusiastic attitude anymore and left me. Not even for another guy; she just preferred being single over having to deal with someone who had lost all confidence and sense of self-worth. This threw me in to a mild depression, but I never actually dealt with it properly because I didn't have to. I didn't have to, because I had the ultimate fallback, the ultimate safety net; my adderall. I began to become even more reclusive and shit on a few relationships that I had cherished since I was like 8 years old. My personality had shifted from the happy-go-lucky life of the party fun-factory to the strung out pathetic malnourished loser that overcompensated for his lack of substance by getting buff and trying to fuck random girls. I'm trying to keep this as short as possible guys, I PROMISE you, just bare with me for a little while longer. Fast-forward to about a month ago. I was on my way home from school (something I should have been finished with 3-4 years ago) when I caught a glimpse of myself in my rear-view mirror while stopped at a red light. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. My eyes sported enormous, symmetrical unsightly bags underneath them and were bloodshot and exhausted looking. My skin just seemed pale, lifeless and dry. I forced a smile to maybe alter the image of whoever I was looking at, but it looked forced and to be blatantly honest, rather creepy. Creepy? Me? When did I become that type of person. Everyone loves me. Or at least they used to. I pulled over, killed the engine and just sat in my car for about 45 minutes. I didn't cry, I didn't listen to music or call anybody; I just sat there and reflected on what the fuck I had been doing for the past 6 years. What the hell was I doing with my life? Why was I so unhappy? It was at this moment that I made quite possibly the best decision of my life. I headed straight home, grabbed my pill bottle and emptied the contents into the toilet. Before I even had time to contemplate rescuing them from their watery grave, I flushed and walked away. I won't lie, the first two days sucked. I was pretty sapped of energy and ambition, and was getting agitated over the littlest things VERY quickly. I fought back with lots of caffeine and exercise, and once day 3 arrived I woke up with a feeling I was not familiar with at all. I woke up feeling RESTED. I woke up feeling like I had actually slept the night before and that I was naturally motivated to get up and cook breakfast for myself. It was on this same day that I genuinely laughed until I cried at some random stupid shit I saw on the internet. I'd forgotten what that was like, and it was like this warm wave of happiness that rushed over me. After the first week, I began going to the gym again. Only now, things seemed to be different. I was making eye contact with other gym goers and employees there and even struck up a few random conversations. I caught a couple girls smiling at me as I walked by and thought to myself "holy shit I'm happy." I felt like I was radiating positive vibes and that everyone could tell. The best way I can describe the feeling is that I was finally on the same wavelength as everybody else, and was surfing it like a fuckin pro. And so here I am; a month after quitting amphetamines and I feel like I'm myself again. My appetite has returned to normal, I'm genuinely excited to see people and I'm hardly ever at home. The best part is that the functionality and efficiency that I had experienced on adderall is now permanently embedded in to my brain. I was able to focus while on the drug, and I now remember how to do so even though I'm off of it. Quitting Adderall is hands down the best thing that I could have done for myself. I feel more sociable, more approachable, more attractive and a whole hell of a lot healthier. I really hope that anyone who reads this has decided to do the same because nothing but good can come from it. Thank you SO much for reading this and feel free to share your story with me as well.
  24. Hi, I'm starting this thread to share some of my experiences with quitting and running into problems with alcohol, I would love to hear your experiences and/or advice. I quit adderall cold turkey in March 2015. I was using mostly as prescribed, my dosage was 5 mg 3 times a day, at times I would take one extra for a total for 20 mg a day. The day I quit I felt no different than when on it, but I began to really feel the difference by the end of the week, I couldnt focus, was jittery, irritable, on edge, couldnt do any writing or reading, this continued for about 2 months. Around the 2 months mark I began self-medicating with white wine. I now drink daily, about 2-3 glasses. I am beginning to realize that alcohol may be a bigger problem than Adderall. I have ABSOLUTELY NO desire to ever go back to adderall, but I dont know how to manage without my daily wine intake.
  25. Hi everyone, It is about time I started participating on here, as I’ve been stalking these forums for years! This community has given me so much hope and comfort that I am not alone. I am so grateful to Mike for creating this amazing website, and I hope I can make a useful contribution that will help others as well as lean on you all for support when I need it. So here is my story… I am 34 years old and have been taking dexamphetamine for 12 years. It started in my last year of university. I had an eating disorder (bulimia) and saw a psychiatrist who specialized in this area. The first thing he did was prescribe dexamphetamine, which is apparently used as an ‘off-label’ treatment for eating disorders here in Australia. He also said I probably had ‘a touch of ADD’ (WTF?!?). I had taken dexies before as a party drug, so I was like yeeeah bring it on! Thinking I will just use it for a short time to get over the bulimia addiction and then have access to a party favor I could share with my friends. Big mistake. Although my eating disorder was cured overnight, it was merely replaced with a different addiction… to stimulant meds. My dose was quickly increased to 10x 5mg pills per day (the max prescribed dosage is 12/day or 60mg for adults). I only took this much (or sometimes more) to party on the weekends, but on average I would say for about 8 years I was taking 8 pills per day (40 mg). (I think the conversion to Adderall is 10mg addie = 7.5mg dex) Over the past 4 years I have wanted to get off this horrible drug and started trying to take less. Although I tolerated it very well for most of that time, and it greatly helped my confidence, mood, motivation, productivity, just about everything! I realize it is unsustainable, and is holding me back from moving forward with my life. Eg maybe I want to get married, have kids, travel the world?? I can’t make plans because I don’t know who I will be when I’m not on this drug. And Im too busy going about my daily activities like a freaking robot! In the last few years it has also become less effective, yet the side-effects are worse, especially the insomnia. So I also take regular sleep aids and this viscious cycle has to stop! My first step was to confess everything to my boyfriend, who has been amazingly supportive. I had been living a lie for the first 18 months of our relationship, I thought he would be so disappointed in me, but he has been very understanding. That was about 9 months ago. From there I started to cut down my dosage further – however found I stepped back up again. Finally I had a ‘break down’ moment a few months ago. The reality of my situation slapped me hard in the face... Full blown, rocking back and forth mental patient moment... Holy shit! I realized I have a big challenge ahead and I made the decision to be accountable and face up to it. I had been living in blissful denial for too long. While I was aware I was taking pills to get through the day, I was able to shut that part of my mind off and just get on with it. So for the past few months I started to get serious about tapering. Though I am doing it very slowly – reducing my dose by 5mg (1 pill) per month. So far I have been strong and stayed on track – 1st month 5 per day, 2nd month 4 per day. I’m now into my first week on 15mg / day (3 pills per day). I’ve had really bad anxiety, which has made my sleeping issues worse. But for the most part, I am functioning well on the lower dose. Makes me realize I was on way too high a dose before! Of course, this is nothing compared to completely quitting. I know that lies ahead. I have just started seeing a psychologist who is doing a brain rewiring program with me, and hopefully this helps (will tell you all about it in another post!) I’m also having 1 – 2 coffees per day since tapering my dose, this helps with work. And I take magnesium twice daily – this helps my bowels, which have also slowed right down since reducing my dose. I’ve practically stopped socializing altogether lately too. I find if I make plans, I get so anxious about not being my excited bubbly happy self (ie highly medicated) I completely freak out and panic. Then I have to let people down. I’m content with being a hermit for a while – work, eat, couch, sleep. Luckily my partner enjoys a good couch-fest too! And I’m already enjoying down time with family more than I used to when I was too wired. I’m still smoking cigarettes (one demon at a time!), which I want to quit eventually… and I also smoke weed most nights too, which I really enjoy, but will give that up too if its making me too foggy during the day. Phewwww!! So there is my story. Sorry it is so long!! I look forward to sharing my journey with you. I hope this will relate to others in Aus as there is not much info out there on dex addiction. And it is prescribed like freaking paracetamol over here. Thank you all SO MUCH for your support and giving me HOPE J PS I chose my name as I want to be RESILIENT (and need to be!) and I also dream of being a CAT so I can sleep 18 hours a day!