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  1. Hello, This is my first post. I gave up Adderall as my New Years resolution. Previously I was prescribed up to 90mg a day of Adderall (60mg XR, 30mg IR) and I felt that I was spinning out of control on it and also had a lot of questions about the health of long term use. I have to say I am generally okay now, 31 days out, the initial withdrawal was horrific (1-2 weeks). However in the last week I have been experiencing severe insomnia and anxiety, very similar to when I was on Adderall, however I am not taking it at all. The anxiety is so bad it wakes me up in the middle of the night, usually around 1am and I can't sleep at all after that, I have the worst case of crippling anxiety. I don't want to mention this to my doctor because I know she would try to put me on anxiety meds and I really want to be off of meds all together and not just take meds to mask symptoms. Has anyone had any issues with this? Most posts I have found have been people stating their anxiety goes away when they stop using Adderall. Should I be concerned? Has anyone else had these symptoms?
  2. My first thought as I write this is "how do I keep this short enough? Nobody gives a shit about my life. My struggle is no worse than any of the millions in a similar situation" The dealer that got me hooked, a downward spiral ensues (2014-2017) I graduated college in 2013. Early in my college days I tried adderall - I loved it so much. I didn't take it regularly and was functional without it. I graduated, got a sales job, and was miserable. Being a salesman, I knew all it took was saying the right things to the Doctor: acting clueless about adderall as if I never had heard of it. Explaining how hard it ws to concentrate and that it was effecting my job terribly (it wasn't). I pretended to be apprehensive about taking it - but finally "relented" "I guess it couldn't hurt to try, Doctor." Bam. 1 20mg per day turned into a script for 60mg in a month. I went 3 years in the corporate rate race fueled by the stimulant - and I performed extremely well. Only to end up being fired because I blew up at my boss. Obviously addy induced. It threw me into a horrible depression that would get worse by a factor of 20. I pushed away every friend I had and immersed myself in programming software (I have an insatiable desire for peopl to think I'm "smart"). Hours flew off the clock - even days. But the escape was inescapable. Depression hit it's peak, binged adderall and stopped sleeping for days intermittently (2017-2018): It was incredible. Adderall + sleep-deprivation creates the escape from anxiety and relief from depression. The weirdest part: I made 10x more progress in programming after 2 days of no sleep that after sleeping every night for weeks. Completely addictive. I held better conversations, I was relaxed. So very odd. I began living at home with a VERY conservative Pastor as a father, I was demonized. I was labeled a drug addict. And I believed it when in actuality I was lonely, depressed, and lost. I used the adderall to escape the pain. My anxiety was constant and physically painful without a second of relief. Binging adderall and apinkillers, I went into a hypmotic state where I thought it would be cool to carve a design into my arm with a razor blade. Literally. Off to the psych ward for a week. I can't tell you what this does to self-esteem and self-image. Finally, started getting back to work, held a labor job - but my refusal to quit Adderall got me kicked out. I was homeless. I slept on a bus stop bench one night. A shed floor on other nights. I was ready to die by my own hand. But the adderall kept me going. I didn't have to worry about where to sleep some nights because I could just pop an addy. From homeless to working for a fortune 500 company making 6 figures in 6 months (2019 - present). My cousin took me in despite believing I was a drug addict - ultimately saving my life. I picked up a temp factory job. I was content. But in classic fashion, I made an issue with my boss out of something minor - fired again. A week later I get recruited by a Fortune 500 company and somehow get the job. I stayed up all night several different times faking pay-stubs to pass the background verification. It worked. Making $90k a year now. In meetings with corporate executives every day. Succeeding by every indicator. Quite the shift over 6 months. I "owe" that to Adderall. I am proud of it to an extent. But I am worse off mentally than I was when I was homeless and working at a factor. Full circle (today): I run out of my meds 1 week early every month. Been that way for years. Each week is a week from hell. During that week, I drink beer the second I wake up to the time I go to bed just to be able to write emails. I don't drink when I'm on Adderall. Last month I decided to get another script from a psychiatrist on top of my primary care script to fill in the gap for the week I run out. Obviously, I was caught. There is a very real chance I will be cut off. And it may save my life. And I'm scared to death I've lost myself. I have no one in my life. By choice. I pushed my family, including my 5 little sisters who adore me, out of my life. I was in a frat in college, I had many friends. I have none now. By choice. The Adderall is the serum from all of the shame, guilt, loneliness that together create a pain that is so deep. It's almost like it's worth the cost of my soul. Time to quit. But I cant: The void of my own soul is so clear to me. I know it is lost. But the escape I get from work keeps me from doing anything about it. And I cannot face what the stimulant blocks from my consciousness. I made my bed. And now it's time to wash the sheets. I couldn't be more lost.
  3. Hi everyone, It has been nearly 3 years since my original post on here, declaring my plan to quit dexamphetamine after being on them for 13 years. I imagined myself being on here a lot through the journey, but it turned out I preferred to leave the whole thing behind and move on entirely. Now I am ready to share my story in the hope it can help others. I stuck to my plan and weaned down my dose over a period of about 6 months (from 6-7 pills per day down to 2 per day) then quit completely. (I was prescribed 10 per day and for some earlier years was taking this much, yikes!) To actually quit, I took a month of annual leave and started with a weekend meditation retreat, highly recommend this if it is at all possible. Great way to start to enjoy the feeling of slowing everything down and being in the moment. I thought in this first month I would want to sleep all the time and get really depressed, but I didnt. I meditated and exercised everyday to get some healthy habits going, and realised natural endorphins are amazing! Oh and I also quit a daily weed smoking habit at the same time. My partner at the time was very supportive cheering me on, which helped a lot. It was like I was getting to know my true self for the first time, which was actually a beautiful experience (and still is!). Going back to full time work was not as hard as I had imagined it would be (I work as a dietitian). Nobody seemed to notice. It hasn’t however been without some immense challenges which I am still dealing with, and Im sure would be different for everyone. One thing to bear in mind is that I was put on dexies as a treatment for bulimia at age 22. I was told I may have also had ADD but I don’t think so. So my biggest challenges since quitting have been anxiety and insomnia. I had been self-medicating with weed for many many years and stopped that cold turkey. I had also been taking sleeping pills, mostly over the counter but also prescribed, for many years while on the dexies. So I really messed with my sleep wake cycles. Looking back, it is unbelievable how much I was able to function with no sleep and no dexies! So many days I just managed to get through the day somehow, it was almost like I was a robot superhuman I would have 1 coffee in the morning, that was it. Now it has been 2 1/2 years and I haven’t looked back. I have moments where I am filled with joy everyday and just so grateful to be able to function without drugs. The only things I take now are melatonin and L-tryptophan, which both help with sleep. Although I don’t think it is bad if you do need other meds to get you through this process, whatever it takes it will be worth it! I still struggle with sleep and anxiety but it is overall improving. I wake up every 1 - 2 hours, but now I am often getting back to sleep more easily. I see a craniosacral therapist every 3 weeks who is amazing and helping to repair my nervous system. The other thing I have to admit is that I completely stopped socialising for about a year. This was necessary for me, I had to simplify my life as much as possible, and working full time took most of my energy! On weekends I would actually enjoy meditating and doing housework and cooking and just being in a relaxed state, and of course Netflix helps enormously I still get anxious if I make plans so my close friends know I am better with deciding to catch up on the day. I then also had a relationship break up - I left my partner as I had become such a different human. Once I had a clear head off all the drugs, I slowly realised I couldn’t picture a future together (I was also paying for everything for our whole relationship of 4 years and it became clear this was never going to change). So for the past year I have been living alone and actually loving my independence. Not having any social responsibilities attached to a partner has been a relief for me too. This is still something I need to work on, as I don’t really have much desire to socialise, especially not at night, as I am quite tired by then and I like going to bed early! But I have reconnected with a few very close friends and left the masses behind. I also really enjoy time with my family now, which I didn’t before because I was always hiding something! So I know this is a long post, I would just like to mention the tools that have helped me throughout this process. 1. Donna Eden 5 minute energy medicine routine - I do this every morning - it makes you feel so good. Sometimes I do it after lunch at work as well. I have read her books and did one online course but you can just follow along with the 5 min routine on you tube til you learn it. 2. Yoga most days at home - I love Yoga with Adriene on youtube, she is great! 3. Daily exercise - so important to get the endorphins flowing and feel empowered and energised - I love walking and listening to a good podcast (highly recommend WTF with Marc Maron) 4. Qi Gong - I did this almost daily for the first year - on youtube Lee Holden morning and evening qi gong sessions are great. Still go back to this when I feel anxious or stuck in my head, its like hitting a reset button. 5. Meditation - I use the Insight Timer meditation app - it is amazing so many great guided meditations on there. 6. Listening to self-help podcasts - I love Tara Brach and listened to her podcasts a lot while going for walks in the first year. Her meditations are great too and all are available on her website for free 7. EFT tapping - when I get into a bad patch - I use tapping as it seems to shift my energy quite quickly. Heaps of tapping videos on youtube - I really like Brad Yates. 8. Healthy eating - I did find my appetite increased off the meds (but not as much as I expected). Regular healthy snacks and proper balanced meals - loads of veg/salad, 1/4 plate carbs 1/4 protein with lunch and dinner to help feel full. I have put on about 2-3 kg since I quit, and am working on adopting a healthy body image and accepting this. 9. Ecstatic dance - I started this about 1.5 years in when I was yearning to connect with people but not feeling up for socialising. You go to a class and you dance your heart out and connect with all these people without having to have a conversation, suits me perfectly! Helped a lot when I started feeling very lonely and isolated. 10. Finally I have recently discovered epsom salt baths are a really nice way to relax if you are anxious, and a lovely way to unwind after work, or just to pass the time and nurture yourself So you can see I have really devoted my whole life to my healing for the past few years, it isnt easy but I truly love doing all those things. And it was necessary to use every tool possible after being on the meds for so long. I really hope this brings hope to anyone still contemplating quitting or those going through the process, if I can do it after 13 years on meds, anyone can! I honestly cant express how much better life is off the meds. You can truly connect with yourself and others on a much deeper level, it is beautiful. And I am accepting this is a slow process, I still have a long way to go but I will eventually find my way back to living a more social life again. If you made it this far, thanks for listening All the best to you all, Vanessa
  4. Struggling. 5 months out.

    I just want my life back. I am more depressed than I ever knew was humanly possible. Full of anxiety about things that I've never had anxiety about before. This is not who I am...
  5. Hearing Things

    Does anyone get anxiety to the point where they can hear things that arent really there?
  6. Only Two Pills Left

    I am not able to see my physician until June. My toes, hands, (occasionally) crotch have been having the cold sweats. Is it my body telling me to stop? I look inside my medication bottle everyday and see the amount decreasing. Little orange pills leaving. I've decrease my dosage over the past months from 30mg to 15mg a day. Now I should be doing 10mg a day because I look inside my pill bottle and there are only two pills left.
  7. Hey Everyone, I just want to tell my story and I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks... Basically, I have built a fraudulent life based on my use of adderall. I used it to get through college, but the real thing is that I used it to create a booming business. I won't get into all the mundane details of my story but basically I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 3rd grade so I know that I have some kind of attention disorder... But I hated taking the ritalin and so I got through high school by the skin of my teeth without any medication... I am a fun loving goofball of a person and I always HATED homework, studying, anything tedious etc... Anyways.... after years of recreational drug use... opiates, marijuana, alcohol, benzos, (of which i became addicted to opiates) I started taking adderall while I was recovering from opiates One night while high on adderall I downloaded an illegal version of photoshop and started playing with it for the first time. I became somewhat obsessed with photoshop and graphic design, so I decided to buy a camera so that I could edit my own pictures. I would take suboxone and adderall and the crash of adderall never really bothered me... I was going a mile a minute... creating elaborate photographs and digital imagery... I started posting my work online and immediate got a job doing photography, people wanted to buy my photographs and I thought hey! I could finally have my own business, be my own boss and make great money doing what "i love"... It was a dream come true... Over the next 3 years, I continued to use adderall with and without a perscription... taking whatever dose I felt like at the time and what the job called for... I learned how to make websites, do accounting, marketing, sales, and branched out my business to also do films and video editing... I decided to specialize in Weddings... because "thats where the money is" ... my business grow quickly and I began working for myself full time... eventually buying a brand new car and saving more money than I had ever in my life... I knew somewhere in my head that this adderall was unsustainable... and I told myself that one day I will be able to stop taking the adderall and the business will run smoothly... I would do things I enjoyed without adderall like meeting with clients, shooting the photos at the weddings, talking on the phone etc... but when it came to sitting at the computer to edit thousands of pictures and put together elaborate wedding films I knew I had to take that ADDERALL to get the job done right and quickly. I would binge on adderall and stay up all night and into the next day and then when the crash came calling I would do anything to take it away... alcohol, weed, xanax (which caused me to do a lot of dumb things) .... I would feel terrible for a week or so after my binge... but then when the time came it was back to the adderall to get the work done... Fast forward to January 2014 I was at the top of my game (or so I thought) ... I had booked 50 weddings for the year and I was on vacation in colorado, then in February there was a wedding in Key West, FL ... During this time I was extremely happy ... almost too happy... I felt more confident than I had ever in my life, I met and had sex, relationships with more women in 6 months than I had in 2 years... However, I would drink alcohol with or without adderall and would become obnoxious, I would binge on adderall, smoke weed and I scared away basically every woman I had met during that period. I knew something had to change, I couldn't live this reckless lifestyle and become the man I always wanted to become (I am 28 years old, still living at home with my dad, I don't pay rent, no girlfriend) I thought that maybe it is time for me to grow up and stop the adderall This was right at the beginning of my wedding season. I knew it would be hard to continue my success without the adderall but I was not prepared for what has come to fruition. depression, anxiety, uncertainty, low self esteem, obsessive thinking ... Maybe I really can't do this without adderall? Maybe I need adderall to function? I got through this summer without adderall except maybe once... it was truly a miserable experience... I don't know if even like the career or business I chose. I hate sitting at a desk, I hate editing videos, I hate being in an isolating job all by myself... I have way to much free time to lay around and do nothing... I believe that I never would have started this business without adderall I am now at the point where I don't know wether or not I want to continue to run this business, I care about the money but I don't want to live life as an adderall zombie... I have been extremely anxious and depressed about my life situation... I have tried to take adderall at lower doses, but I just feel so miserable when it wears off that I just can't bear to be on it... but then after a few days I say I need to take it to get my work done or i'm going to be a nobody in life. I truly don't know what to believe anymore, I see some people take adderall and have no issues... I wish I could live a full life without adderall but I feel deep inside that I will never be as successful and that I will regret quitting my career and business. I have had periods where I can't even get out of bed to shower, never mind go to work everyday. I have become so accustomed to making large amounts of money for minimal work and using drugs to achieve everything that I don't know how to function normally anymore. I may have to start my life over from scratch If you made it this far I sincerely thank you for listening to my story. -Mike
  8. this is so hard

    -I've used a LOT of adderall ever since I began attending law school over a decade ago. I heard of other students taking it to get and stay ahead in a highly competitive environment, so I jumped on that band wagon. Since then, I have had periods where I have stopped taking it. About three and a half years ago, I went through a really bad break up and changed jobs. I got back on Adderall. At first it helped tremendously with my mood, losing weight, being able to work and not think about my broken heart. About six months ago, however, I began burning through my perscriptions really, really fast. Like two weeks early. And then I would be in withdrawal til the next script day--which was like Christmas. But even with those scripts, the first couple of days would be good and productive, but more and more, i felt less and less like I did anything besides sit around and think. So, eventually, when I had burned through a script really fast, I decided not to keep taking them--figuring that the worst of withdrawal was over and they had become counter productive anyway. For several weeks I did feel like I had a new lease on life. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, shopping, household projects were all fun and I was doing them all because it just felt good too--not because I was in absolute dire straights to get them done for the first time in i can't remember how long. But that feeling seems to have worn off too. now I just feel tired, and a lot of anxiety. I know it is work related, but it is so hard for me to get any work done. It's been about 30 days since I quit. I also used to be a big pilates buff and I cannot even seem to get the easiest workouts completed, but when I feel that anxiety I try really hard to exercise to help relieve it. I'm glad I'm not living on adderall, but I still feel miserable. How can i get myself into good work habits? how can i get myself in to good eating/exercise habbits? how can i manage this anxiety/depression? thanks all for listening.
  9. Note: Mostly writing this if anyone has a similar experience. I know my is unique. I don't think many people get enophthalmia (extreme sunken eyes) from adderall. If you have, let me know by responding on this form considering it ruined my face, I would at least like an answer to wtf I did wrong. M/27/14 Term: 2 years, ~5 days a week sometimes 6 days a week Dosage: 20 mg IR Diagnosed: ADHD Possible Side Effects Experienced During and After: Autoimmune Disease resembling lupus/SLE, enophthalmia , Depression, Anxiety. Other diagnosis possibly unrelated: Kyphosis, Lordosis, Long Thoracic Nerve Palsy, Degenerative Disc Disease throughout Thoracic Spine Reason for quitting: Depression, Anxiety, refusing to up dosage, dependency. Medications Prior to Adderall: Bupropion (3 weeks, quit due decreased cognitive function a.k.a feeling like being on NyQuil) Concerta (3 days) My story starts like anyone else introduction to adderall at a later age. A friend gave me one of his 20 mg pill I took it to help with my studying because throughout my life I always had a problem with motivation and concentration. Now looking back on it, I was probably depressed, been depressed for a while after I dropped out of college at 21. At 25, I was clinging on to the hopes of just finishing classes without any sense of direction. After I took this single pill, I felt as though it opened up a whole new world for me. My perception of everything changed. I felt like a normal person, I could study, I could write, I have discipline, and I am finally happy! I can laugh again, it felt good to be a human being. It felt like I have been in the dark all this time but as soon as I took adderall I felt the warmth of the sun, energizing me, giving me hope for my own purpose once again. My anxiety just disappeared, my thought process quickened, and the euphoria was pretty awesome. I could actually start conversations and actually be charismatic! Holy shit! I never once in my life had that ability. I had no idea medications did this. It improved every aspect of my personality and mind without side effects?! (well, there as the crash, but to be expected form a stimulant. Caffeine has the same thing) After this, I thought getting a prescription would be good. I knew when I went on a mission to get prescribed, I didn't have ADHD, I might have ADD/ sleep apenia/some other disorder, but I felt it would be easy just to waltz on in and say I have adhd. Less expensive too I was 25 at the time without health insurance or much money. They asked me some questions and bam! got some... Concerta? Err... okay. Tried Concerta like lack luster results, I had energy and focus, but it was very erratic and unrefined. It felt like I was tweaking and it increased my anxiety 10X. I hated it. It felt like an introverted adderall, it helped some areas, but made others way worse. I couldn't afford to be like that. I waited 3 days, went back, got adderall. Easy peisy lemon squeezy. Within a year, I got a new job, moved out into my own apt, was doing good in school again. Shit, every time I look back, I wish I just stopped after the first year, but how did I know that it would lead into such a disaster. Second year, was losing it's effect. I got caught up in the cycle of being slightly depressed, but I didn't think it was the adderall. It happened after quitting smoking, so this has got be just a side effect. Kept blaming other things, vitamin deficiency, not enough sleep, diet. Yet, it just kept getting worse and worse. I started not even bothering to leave the house on the weekend unless it was worth it. Anxiety raised again during this time, it contributed to me not going out to socialize anymore. After a while, I started getting health problems, my eyes were sinking into the back of my head. My left shoulder was slumping forward more than my right. My friends and family said I looked sick and different (accused me of doing drugs). I withdrew from society even more and isolated myself. After that, I quit adderall hoping things would return to normal. 3 months later, now depression and anxiety are a constant thing now, I have trouble sleeping, trouble with classes, I thought of quitting my job more than once, doctor has diagnosed me with Lupis, long thoracic nerve palsy, degenerative disk disease and god knows what else. My facial structure has changed, I look like I aged 20 years in 6 months time. People say I look 35 years +. I look like a rat now. My eyes are permanently sunken in and it makes me feel embarrassed to look people in the eyes. Lets just say I no longer get complimented on my looks. Whenever I look in the mirror I don't see the same person either. Things haven't changed much since I started. You still reach a dead-end, at least I am in a better situation financially, but not by much with all the medical bills though. I sometimes wonder if Adderall expressed whatever disease/gene I was suffering from early, I seriously doubt it caused it, but probably triggered the gene expression sooner. I also think this is another reason why long term adderall users cannot last. After overclocking the system for so long, something just goes wrong. Adderall is the trigger, but your body would have expressed it sooner or later. Shit sucks. But I now have my mind back. I feel calmer and like I am whole again. I no longer question my decisions. I have less anxiety than before and my depression has dulled. It's still there, but now I know for sure Adderall made it worse. I am still isolated from society and I am not sure what to do. I think I might just join the military truth be told. Navy sounds good, Air Force would have been better (too late about to turn 28). With School debts, medical bills, shitty economy, I have nothing to lose, all my friends are abandoned me and my family has done the same. My motivation is crumbled yet again and I stand here wondering... wondering... being 27, the prime of my life, what is it that I should do?. After having the sense of drive so long, you kinda miss it. For now, I will take comfort in being sober again standing on my own two feet without any crutch, I may not walk any better, but at least I know I can try to run without having to carry it all the way through life. Such is life and so it goes...
  10. There is just no one to talk to about this I've always been a hair puller, but as the Adderall addiction gets worse, so does my trich.. I was used to coping with it somewhat and hiding it almost completely, but it has become so severe that I consider my body destroyed. My eyebrows are lopsided, my hair that has finally growing in from constant pulling in highschool is disappearing once again, and I ended an amazing relationship because I ran out of excuses as to why I refused to be even remotely intimate. If he saw under my clothes and make-up any longer, we wouldn't have been together much longer anyway. The worst part is that if it came down to quitting adderall as the only way to control the urges, I know I would choose the drug. I hate myself without adderall and it seems like the rest of the world does too. I guess there will be suffering either way. If there is anyone out there who can relate even to the slightest..... It would add some brightness to my life just to know that i'm not alone, and maybe even that suffering isn't inevitable. ~Thank you all dearly~
  11. This is a question for anyone that was abusing adderall with a history of depression, but found something that filled the void after coming clean. Was there something specific that changed in your life or that you did to change your life to keep you HAPPY {for the most part} and off adderall? PS this goes for whether you were or were not a.d.d. Im finding it hard to be sober and honest with myself and say I would NEVER do that stuff again even though I rationally know it's stupid. I admire the shit out of people that stay clean. Im just wondering if there was some awesome thing that took it's place for lack of a better expression.
  12. Hi, my name is Matt and last Wednesday (Oct. 2, 2013) I took my last dose of adderall (5mg). I received a prescription for adderall to help out with my ADHD a few years back. Well, actually I started out on Focalin and switched over to adderall because it was cheaper as my doses were increasing (no generic Focalin available at the time). I'm one of those people who really didn't need to drug, but felt that I needed it because it made me feel good, which motivated me. Likely, I would have been better off taking an SSRI instead of going down the stimulant route, but hindsight is 20/20. At my worst, I was taking 50mg of adderall a day. I knew that I was in over my head with the "addy" after I didn't take it one morning and I felt like absolute crap (physical pains and aches). Also, I felt extremely tired no matter how much I was taking. I felt very distant and and socially isolated. I couldn't accomplish anything without taking a dose beforehand (especially workouts). My life revolved around timing the effects of the pills. I couldn't take it anymore and decided that it was time to quit. I found this website and decided to follow the "weaning off" procedure. Luckily for me, my doctor worked with me to help me wean off of the stuff. While off the pills, I'm still working out regularly, but am finding it difficult to become motivated some days. I'm taking Zoloft (have been for awhile), and that helps, but I can't put as much on my plate anymore. I'm a graduate student and some people have told me that I picked a bad time to quit, but I think that I made the right decision. Does anyone have any tricks that help improve motivation?
  13. I am 38/male and from the USA.. I started this over a year ago and the doctor has me legitimately on 50MG a day. I didn't realize how addicting it is and I didn't realize that I was driven at times to the manic side since I am also on Prozac 80MG a day and Neurontin. Last month, I refilled an extra prescription that I had because the doctor wrote me one ahead of time because I was about to be discharged because I wasn't seeing a therapist. Got the second one filled at a pharmacy that I never got any medication from and paid cash.. Over the past six weeks or so I have taken anywhere from 60MG - 100MG a day. I pop 2 20MG when I get out of bed and take with Monster Energy. I had a friend get some more from me from a hookup. I have been using them as a crutch to get thru bad situations just pop the pills like a candy. I never feel that Euphoric effect I once had and I really need to charge the SSRI because I flip out at the tiniest problem.. All these medications have done more harm than good. I have NO job and I have a BA degree & MS degree in fields that are in demand and after over two years of interviewing, temp jobs that just 'ended' with a phone call for a vague reason and no full time job I have no motivation. I own a business absentee but that is a whole other story.. I am trying to taper down slowly. Is insomnia & trouble sleeping common side effect. I cannot get more than a few hours of sleep and some times I am constantly starving. I workout doing high intensity boxing conditioning at least 5 days a week so I am still (thank god) within normal range for weight.
  14. I remember years ago in my 20's (when I was abusing alcohol) seeing an advertisement which said: "I drink because I hate myself." That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks because it was so true and is still true now with my new addiction to Adderall. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would get caught on this roller coaster again. I managed to get through my 30's and most of my 40's drug and alcohol free and never imagined I would be so stupid to go down this road again. I am trying to decide if i should do something drastic like quit my part time job which pays very well or fully retire and stop all these stupid drugs and be free once and for all. I have anxiety and social phobia and take meds for those conditions along with Adderall just to get through the day and then crash after work. Right now I would rather have less money than to keep on hating myself more each day. I've tried easing myself off the anxiety drugs and adderall but felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. Needless to say, dealing with a lot of people at work was very difficult. This site is very inspirational - just reading all the success stories gives me hope. I'm not looking forward to the deep depression, crying jags and weight gain, but I think if I don't have to deal with coworkers or the public it might be easier to take my time to heal emotionally and physically. Has anyone here taken a long break from life to heal from this terrible drug?